2010 TV Season So Far

In September, I wrote about the shows I planned on watching this season. Let's see how that went...

The show I was most excited about was "Lone Star". Whoops. Strike 1.

The thing that's pissed me off even more than it getting canceled is when people write that this show "sucked". Um, just because something gets canceled doesn't mean it sucked. Bad ratings can mean a lot of things - sometimes it's that the show is bad, other times it's the time slot, promotion, wrong network, etc.

There are a thousand things, But in this case, it's that sometimes retards don't know what's good for them. I miss "Lone Star".

And then there's "Boardwalk Empire". The warnings that it took awhile to get going proved to be true. But much like "The Wire", it was just setting things up and about midway through things started clicking. I love this show. It has just the right amount of boobs and just the wrong amount of disfigured faces.

People have complained about Steve Buscemi playing the lead. But he's not supposed to be a Tony Soprano type. He's more of an intellectual dude. And they play up that difference between his dumb brother. Not every "bad" criminal guy is a big bruiser, and that's okay.

Next, I wrote about "Hawaii 5-0". It's been as good as advertised. But it took about 2 episodes for me to realize, "hey, I don't watch procedurals". I haven't watched it since.

It's good at what it is, but I just have no interest in those types of shows at all. I'm a soap opera man, always have been.

"The Event". I've been waiting every week for this show to completely fall apart like "Flash Forward" did. It hasn't yet. That's not to say it won't, but it has been surprisingly good.

Unfortunately, NBC is doing the same thing ABC did to "Flash Forward" - they're splitting up the season and new episodes won't come back on for 3 more months. Has this strategy ever worked in the history of TV? I don't think so. But I'll be watching when it comes back, and I might be the only one.

"Better With You". My good friend writes on this show, so thank God it's good so there isn't any uncomfortableness. Much of the staff used to work on "Friends" and it shows in a good way.

I did a list of "3 Shows I Will Not Be Watching". And guess what? 2 have been canceled - "Undercovers" and "Running Wilde". The other one is still on the air, but still stars Jim Belushi and Jerry O'Connell.

"Running Wilde" means yet another failure for failed TV pilot extraordinaire Mitch Hurwitz. I guarantee you he will have at least 3 more pieces of shit for us to hate next season. For 99.9% of everyone in Hollywood, it's impossible to get even one chance. This guy gets a hundred every year. Yes, I'm bitter.

I was on the fence about "My Generation" and "Chase". I never watched either, but "My Generation" got canceled and "Chase" is universally hated.

And finally, a show that just started up that I didn't mention - "The Walking Dead" on AMC. I started watching it even though I'm not a big zombie guy. It's actually pretty good.

It's getting great ratings (for AMC) and is a critical darling. However, this show has the most amateurish moments I've ever seen. There are times when the writing is simply awful. It's weird.

It's like they're working off first drafts and there's no time for rewrites.

For example, there was a scene with a stand off between a group of survivors and a group of gang member survivors. Just as they're about to kill each other, one of the gangbanger's "abuela" comes out and the tension is relieved and all of the sudden they become buddies. It was so bad.

But still, they do some cool things. I'm enjoying it. And it's probably good for a show to do a couple of things that make me angry. They better be careful though, because it is definitely straddling the line and could quickly become awful. We'll see...

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Happy Whore Thanksgiving

I drove to Palm Springs for Thanksgiving last night. I was listening to Sirius/XM, and I started flipping the channels around. One show came up on the receiver that said "Whore Talk".

Well, I love whores and I love talk, so I decided to check it out. A girl was speaking in a very sexy voice, but she was just talking about her Thanksgiving dinner. She's like, "oooohhhh yeah, blackberries. ummmmmm, cherries. and pie".

I was pissed. That's not whore talk! That's food talk! I don't like mixing whores and food, except when I watch "9 and 1/2 Weeks".

But it reminded me of a very special Thanksgiving I had some years back.

About a week before, Joel McHale (name dropper!) took me to a wrap party for some crappy straight to video movie he had just shot. It was at the White Lotus in Hollywood (remember that place, LA people?). We were hanging out, and Joel was very kind to introduce me to an actress who had a bit part in the movie.

She was very attractive, and we had a nice time and I got the digits. It just so happened that we were both going to be in San Diego for Thanksgiving. She asked me if I wanted to hang out after turkey. I said okay.

So after the Thanksgiving feast I put on some jeans and my best sweater and met her out at a bar, along with 2 of her friends. We were hanging out, drinking, having an okay time. And then she goes, "hey, let's go to the strip club!".

This seemed odd, but am I really going to say no to the attractive yet obviously insane actress that's been drinking and wants to see some boobs with me? The short answer is no.

So we go to the strip club. And this may shock you, but a strip club on Thanksgiving is just about the saddest thing you've ever seen in your life. I guess it's the kind of place you go if the only thing you can possibly be thankful for is tits.

The place instantly kills the mood, if there was ever a mood to begin with. I say "fuck it", and just go up to the stage and plop myself down. A black stripper was up there, doing something that Bristol Palin would call dancing but the rest of us would call walking.

She comes over to me. I have no idea what qualified her to be a stripper, other than the fact that she was willing to show that worn out body to strangers. She may or may not have had a bullet hole scar on her hip.

She kneels down to me, and goes "hey baby, how's your Thanksgiving?" I foolishly engage her in this conversation. I say foolishly because then she starts telling me everything she just had for dinner.

"And then my grandma brought her famous apple pie over..."

Keep in mind while she's telling me this she's bent over with her boobs on the floor.

And then she moves on to what her kids had for dinner. Not only did it ruin my Thanksgiving, it ruined my boner.

After that, we went home. I never saw her again. I never saw the actress again, either.

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I Think About This Every Day

I was listening to Howard Stern interview Jerry Seinfeld the other day. He was asking Jerry what a typical day is like for him these days, and Jerry laughed and said how we all wonder what these celebrities do all day. He told a story of meeting Paul McCartney and asking him "so you have eggs with your breakfast, then what do you do?"

This struck a chord with me because I always wonder what odd celebrities are up to during the week. Sometimes I delete tweets because I get so repetitive with this thought.

Just as an example, what does Freddie Prinze Jr.'s week look like? What's a typical Tuesday for him? He doesn't have a job that I know about. His wife doesn't work anymore. That calendar can't be booked.

Do you know how long it takes to film a guest spot on "Psyche"? Half a day, tops. The rest of the time probably isn't that different from The Situation or Pauly D - gym, tan, laundry.

I literally spend at least a half hour on this a day. Does he cook? Read? Does Freddie Prinz own a Kindle or an Ipad? How soon before he has to dip into the Buffy money?

Then I was thinking that this should be a reality show. Just follow Freddie Prinze Jr. around. Then I realized that that is every reality show on E! Or at least what these reality shows are striving for.

But of course the problem with these shows is they aren't real. The producers have no confidence in their subject matter. Thus, they have to make up conflict and trips to the zoo and marriages to Lamar Odom. Once they choose someone to follow around, their job becomes being on a reality show.

I don't want that.

I want to watch Freddie Prinze Jr.'s Tuesday. His uninterrupted, untainted, Tuesday. If it's him on his couch on his laptop, I will watch every second of that. Is he a Huffington Post guy? I mean, seriously: what is he honestly up to? Because you know he still wants to be famous. You know Freddie thinks he could still easily be Tobey Maguire or Shia Labeouf. After all, the man was in "Summer Catch". The potential is clear as day.

And he doesn't have to audition. You either want Prinze or you don't, there's no in between on that guy. You've seen what he can do. You can't be convinced by a screen test. Rent a copy of "She's All That" and you'll get the gist.

I honestly don't know whether to admire Freddie and Sarah for so completely staying out of the public spotlight, or laugh at them for the public spotlight wanting nothing to do with them. Either way, they are God Damn invisible. And that's fine with me.

Full disclosure - I only hate Gellar because of her short stint as Erica Kane's daughter Kendall on All My Children. But hey, she really was a bitch on that show.

No matter what, I can safely say I will never know what Freddie is up to. But I am very confident that once he gets over the age of 40, his career will blow up again. Cause my theory has never failed.

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There Are People Dumber Than Sarah Palin

I made a huge mistake recently and went over to the Drudge Report. As usual, there were a number of insanely titled links. One was "Like Mother, Bristol Palin Wins Over Public". The link sent me to some awful story from a website in France.

Another headline was "Sarah Palin's Happiness Is What Really Irks Liberals". Glutton for punishment that I am, I went to see what weird blog from what foreign country this was written from. But no, it was written by someone right here in America. A woman named S.E. Cupp, who I have seen a couple times on Bill Maher's show on HBO.

So I read the article, and I honestly believe it is the dumbest thing ever written on the internet, and I'm counting youtube comments.

This isn't just some random moron on the internet, although it is, this is someone who gets to write books and appear on TV. This boggles my mind. Do you know how many miracles had to happen for me to get my job? How is someone like this being paid to write things?

But more important than being dumb, it's actually the perfect example of how misguided, demented, foolish, and naive fans of Sarah Palin are.

Here's her thesis:

It seems everyone wants a piece of Palin these days. Some are fans, some are hostile foes. But regardless, we just can't stop talking about her. Will there ever be a time when we decide that we've figured her out and there's nothing else to say?

And then it hit me. The reason Palin has become such a lightening rod, a kingmaker and a punching bag, a celebrity and a power player, is simple. It's because she's so gosh darn happy.

Yes! That's what it is! Her happiness. That's what is so annoying to so many people. That's the same reason everyone hates Santa Claus - dude is so fucking happy.

She expands on this brilliant shitstorm:

But for her detractors, nothing raises the ire of cynical liberals more than a happy-go-lucky, totally unburdened, freethinking and self-assured conservative woman who has everything she wants and then some. And without anyone's help.

And Sarah Palin, more than almost any other public political figure, represents the "can do" rugged individualism and self-reliance that liberals fear most. She's not just running her household. She ran her state! And in her new documentary series, we see that independent streak clear as glacier water. Whether she's casting for salmon or scaling the rockface at Denali, she's smiling - and just won't quit.

I'm gonna have to quibble with some facts here. She kind of quit running her state, so I don't think you can count that. Also, her home? Her 17 year old got knocked up by an idiot, and her 14 year old hates "faggots". So I don't know if we can count that either.

And not to nitpick, from all accounts Sarah isn't always smiling. She seems to do an awful lot of whining - about the lamestream media, about John McCain's advisors, about her neighbors, about how hard it is being a Governor, about Levi, about the lamestream media again.

I think maybe SE doesn't understand that reality shows aren't real.

If Palin's critics really want her to go away, they don't have to worry about her politics, her faith or her folksy rhetoric. They need to worry about her boundless happiness which, like her favorite hunting weapon, is poised to be a warm gun for anyone who dares cross her path.

The crazed Palin conservatives are always looking for the reason that the majority of Americans dislike Sarah Palin. They argue that the reason is that she's too awesome for us.

I guess the real reason is too difficult to grasp:

She's not smart enough to be our President.

That's right, some of us non-believers might be making this decision on the merits, or demerits, as it were. How many gaffes can you ignore? How many lies is someone allowed? How many times can a politician quit the post they were elected to in order to be on TV for a living?

I don't get why these aren't factors.

"No, it's not that she quit being Governor, or not being able to answer simple questions, it's that she's so darn happy!"

Sorry. S.E., you're wrong. We don't care that she's happy. In fact, there's nothing we'd like more than for her to be happy and content with her life. Just as long as she doesn't run for president.

I'll leave you with a quote from Sarah I read today. It's from an interview she did with Sean Hannity that airs tonight. This was her explanation of why she won't do another interview with Katie '"What do you read?" evil liberal bias' Couric:

"I want to help clean up the state that is so sorry today of journalism”

I want to help too, so can we start with SE Cupp?

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The Current Team Handleman Administration

(Continued from yesterday...) So as I was saying, I fired my manager. But before that happened, he did help me get an agent - I had fired my (dickhead) agent at CAA a year before. And the agent he helped me get is the one I still have today and I actually love him.

The best part about my agent now is that he knows of my treatment by the manager and the guy I had at CAA, so he constantly overcompensates. When it's been awhile and he calls to check in, he goes "I don't want you to think I'm like that asshole manager!"

I'm glad that thought is in his head. I don't want him to be like that either. And I'm just waiting for the day when he slips a little and I can hit him with "you know, this is exactly how that asshole manager used to treat me". It would crush him. I love having my finger on that trigger.

And I have to say, being on the show I'm on now is helping a lot.

To be honest, these shows don't make that much of a difference to me. I always feel like I'm doing the same thing, writing jokes that I think are funny, etc. Obviously, the end product is very different for the audience, but to me it's all similar.

So this has been a strange phenomena for me. Our show is doing pretty well, and people are treating me differently. It's very confusing. Am I a better writer now? No. I just completely lucked into a good situation with a show that people like.

The phone calls from Team Handleman have dramatically increased. Now he buys me cocktails and dinner. He acts like the scripts I give him are good and important to him.

It sorta makes me depressed. Why?

Because now I see how shabbily I was treated before when I was even more of a nobody. And I'm pretty sure I'll go back to that status when I leave this show and get hired to write for Chelsea Lately. Which is almost guaranteed to happen at this point.

Until then, I'm enjoying the attention.

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The Previous Team Handleman Administration

About 5 years ago, I was unhappily writing on another show. I started to think "what kind of show would I like to be writing on right now?" I realized that what I'd most like to be doing is something with sports and comedy. Maybe a show like The Soup but with sports.

Obviously, this wasn't a revolutionary idea by any means, but I was oddly passionate about it and had a ton of ideas. I started working on it a little bit and trying to put it together.

The key to the thing, as all these types of shows are, is the host. Who would be the host? Well, there was only 1 person I'd really want to do it with who I knew could do it right. And that was Norm MacDonald.

Norm is a comedy God to me. Plus, he's a sports fan. If I could get him involved, I might have something.

Phone calls were made to the people around Norm, trying to gauge interest. But I couldn't do it on my own.

Luckily, I had a manager. We went to dinner. I told him the Sports Soup thing I wanted to do, and how it was the only thing I really wanted to do. And that Comedy Central was always looking for a sports show and they had yet to find one.

He kind of just smiled, shook his head, and he goes "you should do politics! Politics is huge, that's where it's at. Forget sports".

That was it. The matter was dropped, and he did not help me. The show never happened.

Today, I am sitting in my office. And people from Comedy Central have come by. They are borrowing our stage to shoot a pilot. It's called "The Sports Show with Norm MacDonald". It's a soup style show about sports.

I am in no way saying this was stolen from me. What I am saying is that I had a good idea, and Team Handleman completely dropped the ball yet again.

But worry not, I fired him 2 years ago.

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I Found 2 Black Hairs Growing From My Shoulder

This is a pretty accurate artist's rendering of what I might be turning into...

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Handleman's Book Club

I just finished reading Bill Carter's new book "The War for Late Night: When Leno Went Early and Television Went Crazy". I don't know why, but reading about late night is way more interesting to me than actually watching late night.

I don't watch these shows, and don't really understand why other people do either. But then again, I'm the idiot who watches 2 episodes of "Friends" every single night that I've already seen a thousand times.

I keep seeing how all of these great comedic minds grew up watching the late night shows and consider Dave Letterman their idol. This is so odd to me, because I grew up at the same time and never, ever watched Letterman, yet was obsessed with SNL.

I was always impressed with myself for being a little kid and yet somehow watching a show that started at 11:30pm. But these motherfuckers somehow were able to watch Letterman at 12:30am on school nights? What terrible parents they must have had.

Bill Carter also wrote "The Late Shift", which was about Johnny Carson retiring and the subsequent struggle to replace him. This is a sequel of sorts, and he actually started writing the book when Leno moved to 10pm, not knowing the craziness that was about to erupt. He got so lucky. I mean, who would've guessed that Jeff Zucker would do something else stupid?

At the end of the book, Jerry Seinfeld weighs in. I'm not sure why, other than the fact that he's Jay's friend and has some sort of TV czar status.

Anyway, I think I've written about this before, but Jerry has gone Eddie Murphy on us. He's crossed over from funny to dad funny (no offense, dad). And also kind of mean and snobby.

I think we all know why he has become this way. He was brought down by what many great men through time have been brought down by: a woman.

Come on, you can't invent "The Marriage Ref" unless you're married to a woman and she tells you to do it. That's the only explanation.

So Jerry, and some other old timers, have this whole thing at the end of the book that Conan should've just done whatever NBC told him. "Just show up" is Jerry's motto. He says that Conan should just be grateful he gets to do this for a living.

Well yeah, I guess, on some level that's true. But also, why get shit on when you don't have to? Why work for people who are dicks and who have dicked you around?

This argument of what everyone "should have done" goes around and around in circles, with some on Team Jay and some Team Coco. But really it all comes back to the same point that to me seems very obvious:

When NBC decided to replace Jay with Conan, Jay should've gone somewhere else and destroyed them. That was the only thing to do. It's what anyone else - Letterman, Conan - would've done.

Instead, he went along with their hair brained scheme to keep him and Conan, and set up everything that happened. It's Jay's fault for thinking anything NBC thought of was a good idea.

I recommend the book, but I still don't recommend late night.

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The TV Show Softball League

A couple of months ago, some people in the office thought it would be a good idea to put together a softball team. We have a couple of good athletes, and a couple of willing girls, so we joined the TV Show Softball League.

We received the schedule and quickly checked what, or rather who, we'd be dealing with. On paper, it looked like a bunch of cupcakes - "Grey's Anatomy", "Desperate Housewives", "The Tonight Show"...

Our first game was against "Brothers and Sisters". I was looking forward to it. I was really picturing myself breaking up a double play as Sally Field tried to make the turn from short. Or maybe barreling home as Calista Flockhart blocked the plate, and taking her out like Pete Rose did to Ray Fosse, or George Costanza did to Bette Midler.

But when we showed up, there was no Sally and definitely no Calista. There was only large men. Very, very large man. And they wore baseball pants and batting gloves, and horrendous goattees.

And that's when I realized that we were in big, big trouble.

Because these are real TV shows. Real TV shows have crews - bulky guys and bulkier girls, who carry lights and cameras, and have job titles like gaffer and grip. That's who we were playing against.

And just in case you didn't know, we are not a real TV show. We don't really have a crew. We don't have any large men whatsoever. We have little wispy nerdy men, and women who aren't giant lesbians.

Well, we went out there and gave it our best shot anyway, and lost 29 - 4.

There were casualties. Our third basemen broke his wrist. Our first baseman took an unruly hop to the eye. And even more tragically, one of the most gung ho members on our team, a nice, older woman, took a line drive to the shoulder that made the most sickening thud I've ever heard. You don't know true horror until you hear softball on shoulder socket.

That was 6 weeks ago, and I literally have not seen her since.

The losses continued - NCIS killed us, so did NCIS Los Angeles. "Lopez Tonight" took us out with a strong lineup with names that sounded like they belonged on the Florida Marlins - Guillen, Lopez, Cabrera, and Ramirez.

We thought we had a chance against "The Middle", but their defense was tighter than Patricia Heaton's face.

But this tale has a happy ending. Because last weekend, we took on a spirited "Castle" squad and destroyed them, led partially by an opposite field home run ball by yours truly.

We were triumphant. We didn't let the fact that we brought in 4 ringers and stopped inviting the people that sucked detract from the celebration.

One win. And a lesson learned - the TV Softball League is for real TV Shows only.

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I Have an Announcement: My Name Isn't Irwin Handleman

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My 20/40 Actor Theory

My 20/40 theory is that good looking actors can't work after the age of 20 and before the age of 40, but are wildly successive in the period before and after.

When they're near 20, they play teenagers. When they are over 40, they play handsome love interests. In between those ages, they don't get work. Why? I don't know. They're not young enough to be "young", and they're not old enough to be taken seriously.

This has resulted in many actors getting famous young, then disappearing, then magically making a comeback when they get near 40. For example:

Jason Bateman
Patrick Dempsey
Anthony Edwards
George Clooney
Scott Wolf
Mathew Fox
The guy who played Vinnie Delpino on Doogie

But sometimes, actors slip through the cracks. Usually it's because they are too famous to simply disappear.

Look at Leonardo DiCaprio. Is any of us comfortable with him playing adult roles? Cause I'm not. He's the reason for the entire theory! It works. He should've gone away and come back when we can accept him as a man. Same goes for Tobey Mcguire and Hilary Swank.

Of course, sometimes actors don't get famous when they're young. Thus, they are stuck in 20-40 actor purgatory until they reach the appropriate age:

Blair Underwood
Steve Carell (can you even imagine him in his '20's?)
Michael Chiklis
George Clooney
Wil Arnett
James Gandolfini
Phil Hartman
David Duchovney

And then there are the actors that got famous young, and who are still waiting to be men...

Fred Savage
Adam Brody
Jaleel White
James Van Der Beek
Topher Grace
Brian Austin Green (beginning the 40 year old resurgence)
Every Boy Band

In fact, this is why boy bands die and never recover. They can't go past their 20's, and then no one wants to hear dudes in their 40 harmonize.

30 year old actors are like 40 year old actresses. They're worthless.

My only regret is that Corey Haim died before I could tell him the theory - he was about to become very successful again.

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This Just In...Steroids Work

I just watched ESPN's documentary series "30 for 30" about Marion Jones. The beginning of the end for her was when the Feds invaded Balco - a company that made steroids - and discovered the names of Barry Bonds, Jason Giambi, and Marion Jones.

What do these 3 names have in common? Well, Barry Bonds is the greatest home run hitter of all time. Marion Jones is the greatest female sprinter of all time. And for a few years (while he was doing steroids) Jason Giambi was one of the best hitters in baseball.

So the message is clear: steroids work. And Balco steroids work even better than that.

And yet, we're not supposed to use them. Why? Well, because Lyle Alzado died one time. But shouldn't we be looking into this a little more?

The steroids at Balco were concocted by some body building dude slash chemist. Imagine if we put the chemists slash no other hobbies besides chemistry on this. If they could just take some time off from perfecting the ultimate boner, I'm pretty sure we could come up with something good.

And incidentally, if Barry Bonds took as much boner medicine as steroids, it would be just as harmful - although he probably could've hit even more home runs with that rock hard cock.

We're devoting so much time and energy and testing and busting steroid users, supposedly because they are harmful. Well, I guarantee you that playing in the NFL has caused more people to die young than steroids. Yet no one goes to jail because they lied about playing in the NFL.

Brett Favre has a couple broken bones in his foot. They gave him a shot that numbs that pain for 6 weeks, now he walks around and plays and doesn't feel a thing. That's okay, but steroids aren't? You think that shot is great for your body? Doubt it. Yet for some reason, because it doesn't have the word steroid in it, it's fine. Same goes for cortizone shots and whatever other drugs pregnant women aren't allowed to get near and may cause anal bleeding.

Yes, steroids are dangerous. So is just about everything else, especially playing sports. But instead of crying about them and throwing people in jail, why not improve on them and give them to everyone, like they try to do with prozac, xanax, viagra, levitra, ambien, vicodin, ritalin, lipitor, plavix, wellbutrin, valtrex, cymbalta, symbicort, detrol, cialis, allegra, advair, nexium...

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Election Overload

Oh my God, I have watched way too much election coverage tonight. After awhile I came to two important realizations:

Politics is truly a soap opera. There's a lot of noise, a lot of drama, but nothing really happens, and everyone at some point gets amnesia.

Realization #2:

Eugene Robinson and Deaf Frog Voice guy from The Bachelor have the exact same voice.



I voted. Weed lost, abortions won.

As everyone predicted, the Republicans dominated the night. They now have control of the House, but not control of the Senate.

So going back to my soap opera thing, after all the theatrics, how exactly does this change things?

According to the internet, in the past 2 years the House has passed 420 bills that the Senate has completely ignored. That's a shit load of bills. So what's this new Republican House gonna do, pass a thousand bills that get ignored?

Well, the one thing that's different is now the Democrats can't cram through those few bills that didn't get ignored. Okay. That's a big change for the better if you're a Republican. So really it's "yey for gridlock!"

So it is a win, for sure. But it seems like it's more about what they can stop the Democrats from doing, then what they can actually accomplish themselves. Which I'm sure for a lot of right wingers, is more than enough to be happy.

There is a drawback to that though. It's really easy being the guy on the sidelines saying no to everything and complaining. The Republicans have to do stuff now, and as my life has proven, that's a lot harder than doing nothing.

But that's just what everyone on TV told me. I'm sure it was a different story over on Fox News.


On a side political note, my friend @taraariano tweeted about something last night that I'm sure is going to be talked about. Apparently, George Bush told Matt Lauer that the worst moment of his Presidency was that whole Kanye West saying Bush hates black people thing.

Here's her tweet:

"I'm sure George W. Bush was hurt by Kanye or whatever, but worst moment of his Presidency? Does he know he was President in September 2001?"

But you know what this means, right?

Kanye's number 1 again, motherfuckers! He beat 9/11! I'm a let George Bush finish, but Kanye had the worst moment of all time!

He's on top of Billboard, Itunes, Bush's worst things ever list. He's taking down all haters, Jay Z, Eminem, Al Queda. You can't stop him.

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Vote Tomorrow

It's time to vote again. Hardly anyone votes during Presidential elections, so I can't imagine how many do for mid-terms. But I'm one of them.

Here's what I'm voting for this election:

Weed
Abortions

That's right, marijuana and abortions, that's my entire agenda. Here in California, we have an amendment to legalize pot. It's weird, because it was really popular like a year ago, and now all of the sudden it's looking like it's going to lose. Not sure why.

Oddly, I've never smoked weed in my life. In fact, I've never smoked anything in my life. But I think other people should be allowed to. Then again, I think other people should be allowed to do whatever drugs they want. Then I'll just be the one sober guy getting shit done.

Also, abortions. A friend of mine (and I believe a reader of this blog), is a big supporter of the Republican running for Senate against Barbara Boxer. I asked her if this candidate is pro-choice.

The answer: no.

Well I can't vote for that. I'm for abortions. Anyone who is pro-life has obviously never had their life almost ruined by a baby. Pro-life is anti-reality. And I'm sure this is a hacky thing to say, but isn't it just a little insane to be pro-life and pro-death penalty? Maybe if they just thought of all kids as potential pre-meditated murderers we'd all be cool.

Her argument was that abortion wasn't going to be changed so it shouldn't matter. I'm not so sure. Have you ever heard Sarah Palin talk? Or Michelle Bauchmann? I'm pretty positive these people would make anal illegal if given the majority.

These conservatives who want government out of our lives sure do like to be involved in our lives when it involves cool stuff like drugs and lesbians and abortions.

But Republicans are gonna have a big night. This always happens. Remember in 2008 when the Republican party was pronounced dead? Well, tomorrow we get to hear how the Democrats are finished. It all goes in cycles. We don't like whoever is in there, because all of these people suck. But you always have to remember, Sarah Palin sucks the most. Just awful. I'm super excited for her Presidential run though, that's gonna be awesome.

Anyway, I think voting is a good thing, no matter which side of the fence you're on. It doesn't matter if you're a Democrat or an Independent or a Retard, make your voice heard!

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