Bachelor Brad, Take 2: Ep 5. Widow Torture

So tired. Let's do it anyway...

This is the vaunted 2 on 1 date episode, where 2 girls go out on a date, only 1 comes home! Also, they are leaving the house and going to Vegas. Why? I think the lease was up or something. Actually, I'm pretty sure they just get these Vegas businesses to sponsor the whole show, it's the "Undercover Boss" model of financing. That's TV talk.

Brad says "admittedly I haven't gotten to know some of the girls that well yet". Yeah, like what's her name, and that other tan girl, and that one who doesn't talk.

And just as I say that, they let Marissa talk! Hey there, forgot about you. She's that sports girl. She loves sports.

The first date card is for Shawntel, and reads "let's end the night with a bang". Immediately, all the other girls are jealous because they wanted to be the first to get banged.

Brad takes Shawntel to a mall, and she is overly impressed with it. Brad says "this is one of the nicest malls in the world". I'm gonna need some statistics to back up that claim.

Shawntel is from Chico, Ca, and despite what she is saying Chico is not fucking Siberia. They do have stuff there, including white girls with black girl names.

Shawntel buys a lot of things, or at least buys a lot of bags. Then she brings the bags back to where the rest of the girls are, cause that's gonna go over well.

Brad goes to pick her up at the ladies hotel room. Shawntel comes down the stairs in her dress, and I think it makes her body look weird. She hugs Brad in front of the other girls. It's strange to see Michelle sitting next to Emily on the couch. Pure evil should not be that close to pure goodness.

Shawntel nervously tells Brad about her career as an embalmer. Let's just say the word "leakage" is used a lot. I would actually be interested in that. At least it's different, the last thing you want to do is hear more about pharmaceutical sales or real estate or whatever it is that Michelle claims to do besides married NBA players.

Brad giggles at the ridiculousness of the whole thing. I don't think he's too pleased by her job. It's just so outside of his realm that he's like, whatever, I guess I'll keep her around until I get rid of that girl whose name I don't know yet. He gives her the rose.

Speaking of being overly impressed: fireworks go off and Shawntel and the rest of the girls in their hotel room freak out. I think I've gone on a previous rant about fireworks during a recap, so I won't do another. But seriously, fireworks. Anything that's crafted and perfected in Mexico, can't be all that awesome.

My prediction for the 2 on 1: Marissa and Lisa. Because one of them has gotta go.

They announce who is going on the group date, and realize that the 2 on 1 is going to be an epic Ashley vs. Ashley showdown! That's even better. Finally, we can get some clarity on this Ashley issue.

The group date is at a race track. Why would they do this to poor Emily? So lame. She's dealt with enough in her life!

By the way, it can't be stated enough how tiny Emily is. She is really, really little. Even the girlfriends in NASCAR have to be midgets.

There is some confusion here. I don't know if this was shown out of order or what, but Brad does not appear to know that Emily's fiancee was a Nascar dude. It's annoying to everyone watching, because he keeps going "I don't know what's wrong with Emily" and I have to yell at him through the TV.

He takes Emily away from the girls and talks to her and she tells him again. In fact, the fiancee crashed on this exact Vegas track and it ended his career. Brad feels like an asshole.

The girls race. It would've been awesome if Emily did about 200 mph and smoked them. Instead, she gets in the car and starts bawling. Brad goes "you don't have to do this". Emily goes, "no, I'm so excited!" through tears. Kinda funny.

After rubbin' and racin', they go to a hotel pool. Brad pulls Emily aside again, and this is the last straw, particularly for Alli. She goes "so if you come here with the worst story you get the most time?!" Yeah, Emily's stoked her baby daddy died in the horrible plane crash so she can talk to Brad two more times than you.

Emily pulls a first: she ends the one on one time. Nice.

Then it's Alli's turn, and she...cries. You and your weird chin suck, lady.

Chantel's turn. She brings up Emily, but says that it "makes me love you--". She stops, "not love you! That's the wrong word".

Brad says let's get back to this love word, and she, in a very adorable way, says "don't go there!". Clearly, these two are together. The show is over, people. They are on a completely other level than everyone else. And p.s., she's great.

Crazy Michelle gets alone time. Her boobs are bulging, but then again, so are Brad's man bosoms. Brad says that Michelle has a way of making him forget everything else, and focus on her. But he says it like it's a good thing.

Emily gets the rose. Important note: Marissa, Lisa, and Jackie did not get alone time that we saw. And they barely said a word. We didn't see Britt either, but at least she's had screen time in the past.

When Brad gives Emily the rose, he says all the exact right things. It reminds us of why we fell for him in the first place.

Brad takes the 2 Ashley's to a Cirque Du Soleil Elvis show. My prediction: Ashley S. stays, but only because Ashley H. is the worst and it's bizarre that she's even on this show. She's gonna be on Bachelor Pad and everyone else isn't going to believe she was ever cast on this shit.

Ashley S. doesn't look like someone who would have crazy fake boobs, but she does.

From the looks of it, the guy running this Elvis show is Kurt Rambis. How come Cirque can do this with dumb Bachelor people, and that Spiderman on Broadway thing can't do it with professionals?

I hate how Brad has to pretend that he doesn't want to let one of them go, when he obviously chose them as the participants in this scenario.

Brad compliments Ashley S.'s eyes. Then he acknowledges Ashley H.'s help with making him realize he's changed, but thinks her eyes are "eh". But...

He gets rid of Ashley S.! No! Terrible decision. That's just insane. No clear thinking man would ever make that choice, he hasn't changed. Get that therapist on the line, stat. Did he travel with him to Vegas? I hope so.

Ashley S. cries way too much. Nevertheless, I look forward to seeing her in a bikini on Bachelor Pad.

Brad and Ashley H. get ready to perform in the show. On the door to their green room, it says "Brad" and "Ashley H.". A small detail, but a funny detail.

The Bachelor has a history of over dramaticizing this 2 on 1 situation, and tonight is no different. Elvis' "Are You Lonesome Tonight" plays as we watch Ashley S. cry in the limo.

There's the therapist! He didn't come to Vegas, but he is available on the head shrinker hot line. He tells Brad not to give a shit about the girls feelings, it's all about "the mission" of finding a wife. That sounds healthy.

I'll tell ya, Lisa never looks that good to me until the final rose ceremony, then she brings her A game. Maybe if she did that during the dates, she'd get some alone time. This is particularly annoying when you consider how much time Alli gets. Enough with her and her strange head.

Marissa alert! Oh my God, she just strung two sentences together. She seems to recognize her lack of talking by giving Brad a note. Hey Bill Shakespeare, this isn't summer camp. Try talking.

I feel like I'm watching this show from Chantel's eyes now, and it's pretty frustrating to watch Brad with everyone else when he's so clearly in love with me. I mean her.

Michelle gets Brad alone and puts some more moves on him, the kind that worked with Carlos Boozer, I'm sure. Have you seen Carlos Boozer? The man is a mutant. That's how good it is to be in the NBA, you get Brad level girls with a Boozer level face.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

MICHELLE - say what you want, but it's better for her to be here than the people who haven't spoken. That is, if you like drama.

ALLI - stop it with Alli! I despise her. Give Lisa or Jackie a chance, anyone but her.

BRITT - I like Britt, disappointed with her screen time tonight

JACKIE - who?

CHANTEL - like there was any chance it was anyone else.

Lisa, dear Lisa, and Marissa the Scrivener are gone. That's about right. It really is a shame though, because Lisa is cute. Is her personality that bad?

We are starting to get down to it. But there's really no point in keeping Jackie and Alli around, especially because of how crazy Alli's face looks.

Next week: more daredevil stuff.

Read More

Oh How Far We've Come

These are the people we get the news from.

Read More

An Overnight Success Story, Chapter 2

Here's Chapter 1.

So it's 7 am, my boss has left a message telling me that my screenplay is the greatest thing since sliced bread and I'm freaking out. I can barely contain myself. But there's one problem: it's 7 am. I've never been up this early. So now I have to wait for everyone else to wake up, which is a new experience. Now I know how my dad feels when he's itching to call me and has to wait 'till 11. Just kidding. He never waits.

To kill time I immediately went to Kinkos and made all of the copies she requested. Then I probably played Goldeneye on Nintendo 64.

Finally, it was after 10, and I called her. And the message wasn't bullshit, she was just excited on the phone with me, and I quickly drove over to her house to discuss everything - with the copies in hand.

I used to write everything down that happened to me. You might call it a diary, I call it...well it's a fucking diary, get over it.

So here's what I wrote:

March 28, 2002
...It was so hard waiting to call Cheryl (my boss) and go over there. I made five copies and went. We sat down and talked. She went on and on about how great my script was. I mean, I’ve never heard praise like this. And it’s coming from the person I most want to hear it from. She called it “innovative, original, brilliant”. She also said “it would be almost impossible for you not to get an agent off of this.”

She sent the copies off to her people. I also sent a couple to the few people I knew that might be able to help. This was a short list, it included an agent at a small agency where I used to work as an assistant. And I waited, and waited...

I remember I was playing volleyball in Santa Monica. My cell phone rang and I ran off the court to get it. Ever since I gave her the script, I thought every time my phone rang it was most likely an offer for a million dollars.

At long last, this call was about the script. It was Cheryl's agent, Jay Sures, at UTA. Jay Sures is a pretty big deal. He's a partner there, and pretty much the big TV literary guy. He's the man. And he was talking to me.

He read the script. And he loved it! He said he read it twice. It was weird, he kept asking me if I had written it by myself. I said yes, of course. He kept on, "you didn't get this idea from anywhere? This is all you?" I'm like, yeah. It's not the cure for cancer, it's a dumb movie idea.

He goes, okay, well, I think this is amazing, and I'm going to get it to our film people and we'll go from there.

Holy shit, I thought, was this actually happening? Needless to say, I resumed my post in the front line of that volleyball game with renewed vigor and hammered some more balls down.

More waiting. And then...

I remember this phone call like it was yesterday too - I was at Jiffylube in Hermosa Beach, waiting for my oil to get changed. My phone rang, was this it? It was my boss, Cheryl. I knew immediately.

"I'm sorry, Irwin. There's nothing they can do with it. And I'm a TV person, I don't know where else to go".

It was amazing, just like that it was all over. I cannot describe the level of frustration. What happened to "you're guaranteed to at least get an agent off of this?" It stunned me how quickly she was done with it, there wasn't even an apology for getting my hopes up. But that was probably my fault.

I scrambled. I emailed that agent that I used to work for, to see what she thought of the script. She goes, "script? what script?" I swear to God she acted like she never got it, which was quite funny, because I HAND DELIVERED it to her the week before.

I understood what it's like when Hollywood turns its back on you.

"The Target" was dead. And then my phone rang again.

It was Jay Sures. He called me, without prompting, to tell me how much he loved the script, and how he didn't understand it either, but the film people thought it "wasn't big enough" or something. But that he had read it multiple times and I really had something with it, and that I shouldn't stop, I should keep at it and he knew it would sell.

I kind of laughed and I said, "Jay, it is so nice of you to call me and tell me this. But I have to be honest with you, I don't know how I'm going to get this thing out into the world on my own. The only person I really know at this point is Cheryl, and I'm just alone here with this script with no one to give it to".

It was a last ditch effort, a not so veiled attempt to get him to go: "I hear ya, Irwin, so I'm going to take you on as a client and we're gonna take over this town together!"

But instead, he started rambling about "cold calls" and "query letters", which is what everyone who will never sell anything does. And that was that.

I tried those things, and I've given the script to people over the years, but nothing has ever come of it. Sometimes I look back at that script, and I still don't fully understand it or why anyone would think it was particularly great.

And at this point of the story, I made a decision that was completely stupid and wrong:

I wrote another screenplay.

Clearly, I didn't learn my lesson. My hookup in Hollywood was a TV lady and a TV agent. I should've written TV stuff. But that was never "the dream". The dream was to sit on the beach, write movies, send them in, and not be bothered.

Supposedly I already had a good script on my hands that I couldn't do anything with, why write another?

Well, I had an idea burning in my head that was going to be even bigger than "The Target". It was (NOTE: these are the loglines and summaries as I wrote them back in the day):

"Freedom Island"

LOGLINE: The tale of a rebellious young man raised on an island that believes World War II is still being fought, who breaks out in search of the truth – and ends up finding love and freedom.

SUMMARY: Deemed the last of the resistance during World War II, a tiny island has awaited word for fifty years from a General on news of the fight for freedom. The island is run by a no-nonsense COLONEL who rules over the citizens and Nazi POW’s with an iron fist. His rebellious Grandson can’t sit by and wait for word any longer. He wants to get off the island and find the truth. Inspired by the beautiful Granddaughter of one of the Nazi prisoners, he sets off to America to contact the General. To his amazement, the war is over and the good guys won. He now must return to the island and convince the residents that the world is safe

"Freedom Island" was going to be the one they couldn't deny. It was going to be my coming out party.

Chapter 3 will be the party pooper...

Read More

Not Surprising Bachelor News

BACHELOR CONTESTANT MICHELLE MONEY: I HAD AN AFFAIR WITH MARRIED NBA STAR CARLOS BOOZER

Style can exclusively reveal that Bachelor contestant Michelle Money, had an affair with NBA star Carlos Boozer - while he was married. Opening up about the scandal for the first time, Michelle tells Life & Style, "Yes, I was in a relationship with Carlos while he was still married. What I did was wrong."

Michelle, actress and single mother to 5-year-old daughter Brielle, has quickly established herself as one of the most controversial contestant's the show has ever seen. In her quest to win Brad Womack's heart, her aggressive antics - like storming off the set and forcibly dragging Brad away from other women - have angered and upset many of her fellow housemates. But off-camera, her personal life is even more shocking.

When Michelle first met Carlos, she was a recent divorcee living in Salt Lake City, and he was a star forward on the Utah Jazz. Michelle implies that Carlos led her to believe he had separated - though he didn't file for divorce until March 2009, while he and Michelle were involved. Michelle tells Life & Style she regrets any part she played in Carlos' split from wife Cece. "I should never have been so naive to assume what I was told was true," Michelle says now. "I'm not trying to shy away from the fact that he was still married. I don't put that on Carlos. I don't put that on anyone but myself. I feel terrible for Cece for that pain she's had to go through and that I am a part of it."

Despite Carlos' split with his wife, he and Michelle ended things in June 2009. "All I can do," Michelle says, "is try to do better with my life. I screwed up. But I can only try to do the best I can."

Read More

Pretty Creepy

These two continue to prove my theory, that just like Patrick and Don Swayze, two people can look exactly alike even though one is gorgeous and the other is gross.

Read More

Bachelor Brad, Take 2: Ep 4. The Rise of Chantel

Let's get into it...

Michelle has woken up with a black eye. Despite the promos, none of the girls punched her. There's no explanation given, other than it could be "stress". Uh, what? That's not a thing. Ike Turner never even tried to claim that Tina was just stressed out. That's weird. But we'll move on.

Chantel gets the one on one date. Guess what is picking them up? The Bachelor Copter! Oh thank God, it's been an entire episode without a helicopter ride.

They go to Catalina island. And Chantel is the truth. She is top 3 material, and that's only if you count crazy Michelle. The only problem is that she's got that God Damn kid, but then again, Brad is 38, so deal with it.

They are going scuba diving. That water must be freezing cold, I will be looking for nipples. Chantel was very scared to do it, but she says that Brad is "worth it". Really? I don't care if Megan Fox wants to go out with me, I'm not going scuba diving, I'm not getting a dog, nothing. There are just some things no one is worth. But maybe if it were for Brad it would be different.

Interesting to note: they never have one on one dates with someone that Brad is obviously not interested in. For example, Meghan isn't getting a one on one, we all know she's gone at some point, and yet, she's still on the show. It's the process, people.

Michelle claims that if she doesn't get a one on one date, Brad might get "his own black eye". What are you gonna do, stress him out?

Chantel was married for 4 years, and was with the guy for 10 years total. Let's start doing the math on that...yeah, she's damn near 40. So she's the same age as Brad. But I don't care, I like her face. And also, her boobs.

Michelle cries and complains some more, and says she has heart burn. Just imagine, there is a guy somewhere in the world that will actually marry this some day. Poor bastard.

Chantel apologizes for slapping Brad. Well that's helpful.

Brad says "it really is like having a girlfriend, she puts me in check". Cause that's what girlfriends do, they criticize you and bring you down.

I'll say it: Brad and Chantel seem like an actual couple. And strangely, you don't see that too often on this show.

How bummed is Chantel that there's a Shauntel? I was at Von's yesterday, and my checker's name was "Qrystina". I don't know what that has to do with anything, but seriously, Qrystina.

Group date. They go on Loveline. And it's official, Dr. Drew is on every single show. It really says something about TV that a boring psychiatrist could be on this many shows. I guess it's that people who go on reality shows are psychos.

Brad says that these guys on Loveline "solve people's problems about love". Actually, they just talk about STDs.

Emily and Michelle are like White Swan/Black Swan. Maybe Michelle's black eye is from stabbing herself in the face.

Dr. Drew asks if any of them have cheated, and Stacey does the dumbest thing in the world and raises her hand. Brad pretends that he appreciates her honesty, and then plans to not give her a rose. Then Brad pats himself on the back for taking them to Dr. Drew like it was his idea.

Britt starts talking and I don't even recognize her because her hair is covering her crazy ears.

It's weird, Alli has all the elements of a good looking girl, but it doesn't quite add up. Might have something to do with her Chelsea Handler shoulders.

I know the other girls aren't great at bringing the drama, but I'd rather hear from them and not Michelle. Enough already.

Great moment happens: back at the house, the one on one date card comes. It reads "Dear Michelle, let's hang out together". And Michelle is stoked. But then Chantel, dear Chantel, goes "that's weird, all the other date cards had the word love in them". Michelle immediately flips out. That's how you psych your opponent out. Chantel's in her head!

Apparently, Ashley H. annoys the crap out of everyone. She pulls the "until you've had a one on one date with Brad, you don't know how it is" routine.

Britt has emerged as a monster dark horse. And she should. She's cute and sweet and she loves to make out. Ashley H. sneaks up on them, then gets her own time with Brad and completely blows it by being a typical girl. Man, it is really hard to know what someone is really like on a first date. You're up in the Bachelor Copter and all reason goes right out the window.

Brad should've been in that movie "True Grit", because he talks like everyone in "True Grit".

That really tan girl once again gets no time. Does she talk? Was she born without a tongue, Clark?

Brad takes Britt out of the hot tub to give her the rose, and as she steps out her butt almost falls off. I mean, she has no butt. Her bathing suit was sagging off like a gangbanger. She has a non-butt, an un-butt. There is no there there.

Brad comes to pickup Michelle, but first pulls Ashley H. to talk to her about last night. Of course, Michelle doesn't take this well. But what does she take well? Chantel calls her out on her shit and it's awesome. Chantel is in beast mode this episode. She's like Blake Griffin right now.

I'm not sure why Brad is paying so much attention to Ashley either, she's lame. She looks like the girl at the bar who is your backup plan a half hour before closing time.

Brad takes Michelle to his "place" - the mansion the Bachelor has put him up in. Michelle says "this is my style". Really, the multi million dollar mansion is your style? Maybe you should've stuck with Ziering.

But just as she says it, the Bachelor Copter shows up! Isn't she pissed that she's getting sloppy Copter seconds?

They land on a tall building, and they're going to rapel down the side of the building to the pool below. Michelle, you guessed it, freaks out. She's afraid of heights. She's also afraid of being friends with girls and night punching.

This is the reason I couldn't last 2 seconds on this show. The only physical challenge I signed up for is back to back to back nights in the fantasy suite.

I've said it a thousand times: you shouldn't have to risk death for love. Hanging out with Michelle and her magical black eye is risky enough.

For some reason, in mid-rapel, they start making out.

Brad has a habit of jumping into pools fully clothed.

Brad calls her a "mature" woman. Well, she's immature, but she is old, so it is confusing.

Say what you want about Michelle, but she knows how to manipulate men. You can't blame Brad for going for this girl, she is very careful with what she shows him and how she is in front of him. And girl knows how to flirt. She's containing the crazy, but at some point it will reveal itself.

Oh, brother. More therapist time! Brad is like Tony fucking Soprano, except with guilt and quieter breathing.

Is Chris Harrison still on this show?

At the cocktail party, Brad starts babbling some head shrinker mumbo jumbo to the women. He's all about "owning the moment" and shit.

Then he pulls out some champagne and a blanket for alone time with Emily, right in front of the other girls. Not a good idea. Meghan is shocked that Brad is so into Emily. Have you looked at her lately? More importantly, have you looked at you lately?

Predictably, the other girls are pissed. Ladies, Emily didn't get a date, you did. The girls that should be pissed are the girls - Shawntel, for one - who didn't get a date and then didn't get this special treatment. Oh who am I kidding? They're right, they are all just here for second place.

Chantel is ruining her night for me right now. Stop with the crying. Emily's fiance was in a plane crash, understand? Let her have a little picnic right now.

There's a girl on this show who I honest to goodness have never seen before. This is episode 4! She's brunette, and she has not spoken a word. I will find out her name at the rose ceremony.

Chantel gets alone time and calls out Michelle without saying her by name. And then Brad says that he used to date needy girls and he loves that she isn't like that. I'm in love with these two. Her only drawback is that she kinda is DeAnna 2.0. Does it make too much sense?

It feels like they're gonna end up together, and Emily is going to end up being too perfect and not over that fiance. It doesn't seem like she's a real person, or that she's really moved on. We shall see. Emily is fantasyland, Chantel is real life.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

ASHLEY S. - man, I really get the Ashleys confused. But she's the non-annoying one.

ALLI - just a space filler at this point

EMILY - duh.

SHAWNTEL - she gets better every episode

LISA - she seems like she'd be great, if only she had the ability to speak. There's potential here, but Michelle is cutting into her time.

JACKIE - in any other season, she would be solid.

MARISSA - THIS IS HER! Who is she? Did she just show up this episode? This is crazy.

ASHLEY H. - don't know what he sees in her.

This means that the red head, Lindsay, who also has never spoke, is gone. And guess who else? Stacey, the cheater! Yeah, he really respected that honesty.

Meghan is gone as well, thank God. She is not good.

Brad has a weird line that he always uses with the ladies, it's "come here...to me...please".

I have to say, we are down to some pretty good candidates. The only girls that have no business being here are Alli, Marissa (though maybe she's a genius or something), and Ashley H. - I'm not a fan.

Next week, they go to a race track to race cars, and in a shocker, Emily cries. You got your wish, evil Bachelor producers.

My friend emailed me a ranking of the girls after last episode, so here are my own rankings after watching this.

1. Emily (it almost feels like ABC doesn't want Brad to pick her so she can be the next Bachelorette)
2. Chantel (should be #1, but Emily is too fantastic to ignore at this point)
3. Michelle
4. Britt
5. Shawntel
6. Ashley S.
7. Lisa
8. Jackie
9. Marissa
10. Alli

Read More

An Overnight Success Story, Chapter 1

I always planned to write this series of posts after the first time I sold a script. Since that hasn't happened, I figured I better write it now before I forget too many of the details. So here goes...

There's nothing that makes me more angry than reading a story about a writer who has "come out of nowhere" to sell a script for millions of dollars. Not because I'm jealous of their success, though I am, but because those stories never, ever make any sense. There are so many details missing that it's nonsensical, and encourages the idea that people just walk into LA and get a meeting with Spielberg.

How'd they get the agent? How many scripts did they write before that one? Who is their dad?

Sure, there are a few, rare stories of overnight success, mostly from people who went to USC. But for the most part, it's bullshit. So herewith, is a real story of some success but mostly failure, with all of the details (and half baked script ideas) included...

I was in my last year of graduate school for screenwriting at Loyola Marymount University, and just lucked into a job as an assistant for an Emmy winning comedy writer. I was working on my "thesis", which was a feature length screenplay.

I was pretty proud of it, but it's fair to say that the professors at Loyola didn't get it. This wasn't that disconcerting however, as the best credit anyone of those idiots had was "Hawk", the great spin off of "Spencer For Hire".

I worked away at the script - there were many, many rewrites. Even to this day, I don't really know if it's finished. But at some point it was "good enough", and I tried to figure out the exact right time to give it to my boss. This was a very sensitive thing. I mean, up until that point, she had respect for me. She thought I was smart and funny, and we enjoyed hanging out together.

But what if she hated the script? Then everything gets uncomfortable, and even though this is my first real script, I never get a chance with her again.

She had a 2 year development deal, so I decided to wait until it was closer to that 2 years to being up - less time for awkwardness. Finally, at the preselected date, I gave the script to her, and waited...

That wait, ugh. It's like waiting for your AIDS test results. Except instead of finding out you have an awful, most likely fatal disease, it's even worse.

The script was:

"The Target"

Logline: An everyday Joe who’s been targeted for death his entire life seeks to find out why.

At the time, I was dating a girl who would later end up in jail. I don't remember exactly what drama she was concocting at that time, but I know that I was outside of her apartment all night, and then drove home at 7 am - and I probably haven't been up at 7 am since.

I got back to my apartment and checked my messages - and I heard my boss's voice. A pain shot through my stomach. She had called the night before and I missed it. She read the script...

And she fucking LOVED IT.

I don't mean she liked it a little, or thought it was pretty good for a first time writer, I mean she head over heels lost her God Damn mind over it.

She left a message that was 5 minutes long, saying that I needed to make 10 copies of the script immediately to send out to the most important people she knew, and that I should demand that Tim Burton direct it. And she was dead serious.

It was insane. I woke up my roommate and made him listen to the message, that's how good it was. That morning, and that message, remains the high point of my "career".

The reason why is that up until that point I had no idea if I could be a writer. No one had ever singled me out for any kind of talent. There was still a thought in my head that I might have to try something else. It was the first validation that I had as much a shot at this as anyone else, and there was no going back. I was going to be a writer.

I started calling family members, telling them the tale of this voice mail. And I'll never forget, my sister said to me "wow, you're an overnight success!"

Now, at this point in the story you may have noticed that you don't own the DVD of "The Target", I'll explain why soon in Chapter 2.

Read More

I Finally Did Drugs

I have never done drugs in my life. Well, unless you count alcohol. No cigarettes, no weed, no nothing.

But yesterday, I did some honest to goodness drugs. I am no longer pristine. I can't tell you what it was, but if you watch Tosh on Tuesday at 10 on Comedy Central you will see the effects.

That's all I can say. If that isn't must see TV, I don't know what is.

Read More

Here's Something...

I stumbled upon this article about 1980's sitcoms. If you like TV, you may want to check it out.

I enjoyed the shout outs to "Night Court" and "Bosom Buddies", but I didn't agree with a lot of it. For example, I consider "Growing Pains", especially in the early seasons, to be a legitimately good show. And I think Tony Danza is the only reason "Who's the Boss?" worked, whereas this dude argues the exact opposite.

But then again, I find it hard to judge TV that I watched as a little kid. There are people a few years younger than me who think "Full House" and "Saved by the Bell" were actually good, rather than "so bad that they're good", which they are. So who knows?

Sitcoms were dead in the early '80's, and then there was a complete turnaround. Hopefully, that will happen again, if only for my future employment sake.

Read More

Bachelor Brad, Take 2: Ep 3 "I See Dead People"

I had to work today, now I'm doing this, but I meant no offense to black people. Although Brad is a noted racist (just kidding, but he does hate non-white women).

Okay, this is supposed to be the "most dramatic/controversial bachelor in the history of this season so far". Someone walks out of the rose ceremony, the smart money is on Michelle - most likely because "dead fiance" Emily is getting too much attention because of her dead fiance.

Although there's a chance it's Madison because Emily's story freaks her out and she wakes up and realizes she's here for the wrong reasons. Let's see...

First date is with Ashley S. and it's one on one. This is the girl who got the first impression rose and has a dead dad. Michelle announces that she "hates" every other girl there. I'm confused: is she there to make friends or not?

Brad takes Ashley to a recording studio, and we know from commercials that another date is making an action movie. Why has every single date had a showbiz component? Is this to entice fame whores? Cause judging by Michelle it's working.

Brad and Ashley are going to sing "Kiss From a Rose" by Seal, which freaks Emily out because her and her dad use to sing that and it was "their song". I'm freaked out that she's freaked out.

They are awful, and Brad apologizes to "Mr. Seal". Then they go to another room and Seal is there and sings for them. Wow. Mr. Seal's career is not going great. And he's got a ton of half good looking/half terrible looking children to support.

Ashley tells Brad that her dad died. Just wait, Brad, you're gonna be hearing about more dead people by the time this show is over. It's gonna be like the god damn Sixth Sense up in this motherfucker.

It's very sad about the dead dad, no doubt. But how would Brad possibly not give her the rose right now? This may be setting a dangerous precedent for smart, desperate ladies with made up dead dads in the future.

And she gets the rose.

Group date. Michelle is pissed cause she hates groups. And sanity. They go to some lame set, and as Brad tells them they are going to film "an action adventure movie", he gets "attacked". A horrible action adventure scene then follows where Brad beats up the bad guys. And it's as bad as it sounds.

Maybe it's Brad who wants to be an actor. Is the bar business in Austin not all it's cracked up to be? If Brad does become an action adventure star, I wonder who they'd be able to get to be his stunt double...fine, I'll say it, Chad!

Back at the house, the date card shows up. Ashley S. retrieves it while in a bikini, and she has crazy fake boobs! Gotta be honest, didn't see that coming.

While shooting the action adventure movie, we discover that Shawntel is a beast! Seriously. She can legitimately kick some ass. Also, she's into "rape kissing", that's where you rape someone with a kiss.

Michelle is out of her fucking mind. But still, I tolerate it because she's good looking and causes she went out with Ian Ziering.

Other Chantel gets Brad alone and starts crying because her lack of Brad time. Chantel says "I don't do this". And Brad says, "neither do I". And just as I'm about to write, "you've done it before!", Brad goes "Well, I've done this once before". You see, this is why Brad is a good Bachelor. Dude is somewhat self aware.

Chantel cries some more, why? Because her dad died too! I think the lesson is clear: single parent households do not work. You wanna keep your kids off of reality shows? Stay alive, it's the only way.

Back at the house, Emily tells the story of her fiance dying. And it is really, really sad. More crying, this time at my house.

Side note: I went out with a girl after her last boyfriend died. Not a good idea.

Michelle gets some alone time, and she cries! Jesus, ladies. That's not what men want to see. Poor, Brad. At least he has an action adventure movie career to look forward to.

Brad totally fulfills our confidence in him and resists Michelle and gives the rose to Shawntel. His therapist must be so proud.

Michelle is not pleased. And she says that she knows in the end it will be her and Brad in Tahiti "practicing making babies". I'm guessing Michelle has had a lot of practice. Somewhere Allen Iverson is going, "practice! she's talkin' about practice!"

Time for Emily's one on one. A girl describes Emily as a tiny Barbie Doll with the soul of Mother Theresa, and you can't really argue that. For their date, Brad has a great surprise for Emily - they're getting on a tiny airplane! That's like taking Sarah Palin on a date to a science museum. Does that make sense? Just go with it.

He's gonna feel real stupid when she tells him the secret.

They go to Napa. Emily tells us that she's scared because guys have shut down when she's told them in the past. See, I go the opposite way. I turn it on and get all loving, and then crush them 6 months later.

Emily is doing a terrible job dodging Brad's questions. I don't think she's ready for this. She is a bumpkin, albeit a hot bumpkin. Also, her teeth are insanely white and perfect. She must do pageants, you know, those very popular single mother pageants.

Finally, she hits him with it. And Brad is like, "can't any of these chicks just be a good time?!" Actually, Brad goes my way with it! He pretends it's the greatest thing he's ever heard. Well played, sir.

So let me get this straight: Brad goes on two one on one dates, and right before he's deciding on the rose each time: both girls cry and tell them about a death. Sounds about right.

Emily is adorable. Hard to know what's beyond the plane crash stuff though.

What the hell? The next day Brad has an impromptu therapy session with his therapist. Bizarre. ABC is basically trying to tell us that anyone who doesn't want to be with Blinky DeAnna has some sort of mental problem. He doesn't need Dr. Drew, he needed someone hotter.

At the pre-final rose ceremony cocktail party. Alli forces Brad to tell her that he's never cheated on anyone before. Then Brad uses his therapy session to apologize to Chantel, and there's a funny camera shot where it pans down to see Brad's hand on Chantel's knee, but really it just looks like a zoom into Chantel's ample bosom. Thank you, Camera A.

Michelle breaks up the Brad/Chantel/boob party. Never go out with an actress, people. They're number one on that list, number two are girls whose last boyfriend died tragically.

Michelle accuses Brad of kissing both Ch/Shawntels. He readily admits to that. And his excuse is that last time he was on the show he was closed off and barely kissed anyone. Uh, let's check the record on that, cause there's no way that's true.

(NOTE: I just went back and looked at my recaps and it turns out: Brad ain't lying! He didn't kiss that many people, mostly it was Jenny and DeAnna and a few sympathy kisses when girls were, yes, crying. This guy is like peeling onions, he makes ladies tear up)

Brad gets Madison alone, and she says she's thinking about leaving. Why? Well, obviously Emily's story blew her mind, and she was only on the show to do that vampire stunt in episode 1, and she can't believe she's still here when she just wanted to get TV time with the fangs.

And now Ashley H. wants to bail too. People are looking at Emily like she's Nazi Germany, there's no point in even trying, just wave the white flag.

Brad makes out with her for the sole reason of making her think she has a chance.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

MICHELLE - say what you will, but she's the only girl who knows how to flirt with him. She flirts like a dude, and it's effective.

CHANTEL - my favorite of the Ch/Shantels.

At this point, Madison just walks off. She doesn't even say anything, even though Brad was pretty cool about telling her to just not accept the rose if she didn't want it.

She cries. And says "I'd have a really hard time taking one of these roses from the other girls..." My theory is totally right. She was just on here for the vampire bit, and had no intention of really being on this show.

She looks like Charlize Theron, if Charlize ate blood and was a liar.

Oh Brad, stop it with the psycho-babble.

We resume...

LISA - literally did not see her this week. Not once.

JACKIE - she barely had any time either. Michelle and Emily dominated the action, and there was little time left for anyone else.

ASHLEY H. - he had to do it.

MARISSA - it's like we're seeing these girls for the first time.

BRITT - Donna Martin graduates again!

ALLI - she of the gratuitous boob shot.

LINDSAY - sneaky red head two face who is hanging around. But really, aren't all red heads two faces?

MEGAN - unbelievable, she is the least attractive of the bunch by a lot.

STACY - seriously, did not see her the entire episode.

This means that an Irwin favorite, Kimberly has been eliminated. Surprising. Why Megan over her? Or Alli for that matter? That's annoying.

Also eliminated? This 50 year old blonde girl I kept seeing in the background and getting confused by. I have no idea what her name is, but she's awful. She looks like she could be one of Mark Wahlberg's sisters in "The Fighter".

So far, it's all about Chantel and Emily, with Michelle being the obvious wild card.

Holy shit, next week they talk to Dr. Drew! I am good.

I didn't get any good scoop from my wardrobe friend. I apologize for my lack of response on the comments, I'm back in full force from now on. See you there.

Read More

Some Good News For a Change

Ratings are unfair, they don't make sense, and the system is completely flawed. But that doesn't change the fact that when that bullshit number is printed for the world to see, you either get blamed or praised.

For whatever reason, our show is getting extremely lucky right now and I have no idea why - but it most likely is my genius writing.

Here's some bragging, courtesy of deadline.com...

'Tosh.0' Makes Record-Breaking Return
By NELLIE ANDREEVA | Thursday January 13, 2011 @ 9:40am PST

It's a new season, new time slot, and the same red-hot Tosh.0. After posting a string of ratings records during its summer run, the third season premiere of the Comedy Central series in its new Tuesday 10 PM slot drew 3.6 million viewers, eclipsing its previous series high of 2.7 million set in July by a whopping 33%. Tosh.0 also set series highs in adults 18-49 (2.8 million or a 2.5 rating) and men 18-34 (1.2 million or a 4.4 rating). In fact, in 18-49, Tosh.0 finished No.1 in all television, ahead of CBS' The Good Wife (2.3) and NBC's Parenthood (2.2)

But let's put this in perspective: the premiere of "The Game" on BET got 7.7 million viewers.

Regardless, suck it, The Good Wife!

Read More

Bachelor Brad, Take 2: Ep 2

Before we begin, I thought of an important issue we need to keep in mind while watching: which of these crazy ladies will be strong contestants on "Bachelor Pad"? Adds another dimension to the viewing. Here we go...

Uh oh, shit's gettin' real for Brad. I know cause he said so. Maybe he should tell his therapist.

Melissa, a not good looking, older lady tells us all the crazy stuff she did to be here. She says that she's been "thinking about doing this for 8 years"! Uh, then maybe you want to be going out with the first Bachelor Alex, cause that was his season. Wait, 8 years? How old is she claiming to be?

She adds that she's spent a "fortune on gowns". That's so funny, "gowns". Oh, and she quit her job. Where is she getting this fortune? Will she have to return the gowns?

Ashley H., the dentist with the giant forehead, gets the first date. She's not to be confused with Ashley S., the nanny who got the first impression rose whose dad is dead.

On their date, Brad "surprises" Ashley (H.) with a carnival. Her dress is very inappropriate for a carnival, unless that carnival involves pimps and hos. It's rose or go home on this date, and Ashley is trying way too hard.

Brad says "let's face it, this girl is the entire package". I'm not sure about that package's eyebrows.

They make out and Ashley suctions her lips to his and refuses to let go. Well, at least this package puts out.

Ashley reveals that her dad is a crazy drug addict and she doesn't know where he is. Brad freaks out, because his dad is the same way! Ashley says that she's scared that Brad will feel obligated to pick someone because of what happened last time. Amen. If I was Brad I'd be scared that Ashley researched him and made up that very coincidental dad thing.

There's a group date with 15 women. Michelle is involved. And it's her birthday. She's turning 30 today. Maybe since she went out with Steve Sanders, she's using his aging timeline. So he was 28 while playing a high school kid, so by my math Michelle is actually 42 today.

Melissa, the desperate girl who claims to have been plotting her appearance on this show for the last 8 years, says that she is going to bring it. She looks like Gwyneth Paltrow, if Gwyneth was on crack, then went to rehab, then got hooked on heroin, then went back to rehab, and then became anorexic.

For the group date, they are going to give blood to the red cross. This seems like a terrible idea. Some of that blood ain't clean. And also, the vampire girl is on this date! She's going to go on a feeding frenzy. This is like a bad episode of "True Blood", but I think every episode of "True Blood" is bad.

Fyi: it's crazy how much better looking Michelle, Chantel, and the blonde girl whose fiance died (Emily) are than everyone else.

They're also filming a PSA for the Red Cross. Melissa doesn't want to play the role of the cougar, so she's going to play the role of cougar.

Shirtless Brad!

Melissa once again says she quit her job to be here, "for Brad". Um, you didn't know who Brad was 8 years ago.

My friend Alison! Holy crap, my friend Alison is on this show right now. She's a wardrobe person, and she's dressing the girls. I will email her and see if I can get any scoop.

Michelle keeps saying that she's turning 30 today, she thinks that if she keeps saying it will be true.

There's a lot of acting involved on this date. Maybe they promised the hotter girls a showcase if they'd come on the show.

They keep doing takes of Brad kissing the girls over and over again (like previous seasons). Michelle doesn't feel special. You're kidding, you're a super hot girl who doesn't like being on a date with 14 other girls who repeatedly kiss the guy you like? Happy birthday!

Back at the house, the girls hate on Michelle. I can't believe it, I thought they'd absolutely adore her.

Britt is a food writer and a big, big prude. She's the Donna Martin of the show, if you will. Except with a normal face and boobs. Speaking of that, Chantel has huge knockers.

It's funny, just as I make the Donna Martin comparison, Britt decides to go all out and fully make out with Brad in an over the top way to overcompensate for her prudiness. Just like Donna used to do with her slutty outfits.

Michelle mentions that it's her birthday, in case you were wondering.

When I was a young man, in my early '20's, I would've thought going out with a Michelle type of woman would be super awesome. But man, in my old age it looks like a horrific nightmare. Give me an overcompensating plain Jane Britt any day of the week. I thank the Bachelor for that realization.

Chantel says that Michelle "is the type of girl who knows how to get attention from a guy". Using your ridiculously good looks doesn't take a brain surgeon.

Breaking news: it's Michelle's birthday.

Melissa is the early front runner for "Bachelor Pad" breakout star.

I'm warming up to the other Shawntel.

Brad gives the date rose to Michelle, cause apparently it's her birthday or something.
She proceeds to taunt the other girls with it, and they hate her like Steve hated John Sears.

Jackie gets the one on one date. And Brad says he's gonna treat her to a Pretty Woman experience. You mean paying her for sex?

Are there no other movies for this show to mine? Cause they've the done the Pretty Woman thing about 50 times. I'd like to see a "Sleeping with the Enemy" date where Brad makes the girl turn the labels out on everything in the pantry and slaps them if the towels are hung at different lengths.

They record an awkward call between Emily and her daughter. There's crying. If she doesn't win, she might be the next Jason Mesnick. And by that I mean she's a terrible parent.

They go to the Hollywood Bowl. Jackie says she's "heard of this place". It's a concert venue, lady, not the Temple of Doom.

Brad is concerned that Jackie's only been with 2 dudes, but he gives her the rose anyway. Then Train performs, and they sort of dance and it's uncomfortable for everyone - including that lead singer for Train who is way older than I thought he was.

Emily and Brad have a sweet talk, but I just keep thinking about how they immediately need to procreate and I need to watch.

Melissa and Raichel get in a fight about nothing. Melissa is so crazy that she starts crying about it and starts to make vampire girl cry in sympathy.

Pretty funny moment as Brad walks up to Melissa and you can tell that the last thing in the world he wants to do is talk to this bitch. He lets out a sigh, and she goes, things aren't going well, and he's like, oh, okay. I bet Brad wishes it was Chad instead of him right now.

As she's crying, she breaks out into a maniacal laugh about how she ate onions and is afraid she has bad breath. Yikes.

Right before the rose ceremony, Ali and Roberto show up. Ali is wearing an awful dress and her hair is jacked. It's amazing how much time women spend on this stuff and yet get it wrong so often.

Ali and Roberto interview the girls to see which one is best for Brad. The girls hate on Melissa, and Ali and Roberto choose Emily. Duh. Ali can't pick an outfit, but even she can see Emily is the shit. She gets a rose.

There's only one hang up here with Brad and Emily: their future children are going to be slow, twangy talkers.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

Only 3 will go home. this is ridiculous.

CHANTEL - a no brainer.

SARAH - she is an old lady. I saw her at one point and was like whose mom is that? Even she can't believe she's getting a rose.

ALLI - I barely remember her, but she has a giant face.

KIMBERLY - forgot about Kimberly, she's all right. I'm good with her.

SHAUNTEL - both Ch/Shauntels are in!

STACY - she has her moments. Sometimes, she's good, other times, I don't recognize her.

ASHLEY S. - no surprise there. She's just as good as the other Ashley, maybe better.

MADISON - the vampire! She's turning into a dark horse, virtually unseen this episode.

LISA - oh wow, she steps out from the back row looking really hot. My bad. She's the one from last episode who was really tan. Now she's just the right amount of tan.

MARISSA - it's a numbers game, she'll be gone next week.

MEGAN - I hate when the ugly girls go "you gave me a heart attack there", uh, you weren't a foregone conclusion, and you'll be eliminated soon enough.

LYNDSAY - the red head, didn't have a line tonight.

BRITT - Donna Martin graduates!

Both Melissa and Raichel are gone. You don't cry at a ceremony and be unattractive and get away with it. Also, the unfortunately named Keltie is gone too. She says that she "may be meant to be alone". Yeah, maybe.

She cries and claims this was probably her last chance at dating. Ha!

Melissa cries too. After this appearance, it might actually be her last chance at dating. And poor Raichel, I blame the unnecessary "i" in her name.

Next week, more acting! Maybe I was right. Also, Brad calls Seal "Mr. Seal".

Goodnight.

p.s. I hate Keltie and her stupid jazz hands...

Read More

Just Another Day in LA Traffic

Read More

This is Interesting

A very nice person in the comments section informed me that the Bachelor website has the ages of the women on the show. What a gold mine. As expected, it is filled with lies.

The oldest age listed is 32, and every one else is 30 or under. Michelle, who I predicted was 45, is supposedly 30.

Well, this sent me off on a google mission, and I found something even greater than her real age. I found something that will not only send me on a joke flurry for as long as she is on the show, it also neatly ties together my two favorite shows.

Here is what I found...


Sanders, you sly dog.

Read More

The Bachelor Brad, Take 2!

You might want to read my preamble first. Interesting note before we begin: I reread my post about The Bachelor finale during Brad's last stint, and that episode was 1 hour long. For the finale! We haven't seen anything less than 2 hours in 3 years, even for that crappy Jillian season.

Okay, here we go:

Chris says that when Brad was on last time, it was "one of the most controversial Bachelor finales ever!" Ah, we're back.

Wait. Why is Brad doing this? If he doesn't like any of these girls, he's seriously, seriously screwed.

They are portraying Brad as a tortured man. After the Bachelor, his life was in shambles. He developed panic attacks. In no part of this does Brad say "I should've asked DeAnna to marry me".

When Brad is depressed, he likes to get shirtless. Brad is very beefy.

Hey ladies, it's a commitment phobe with daddy issues! Come and get some!

Uh oh, Brad has another brother, Wes. And they are almost as identical as Brad and Chad!

Oh my God, we even hear from Brad's therapist. "Hey Dr., I'm so depressed, this reality show manipulated me and ruined my life, what should I do?" "Go back on that show!"

Before we get to the limos, they make us meet some of the girls. For some reason, a lot of them have "funny" jobs, ie mortician.

Oh shit. Last season we had a dead mom, this year, it's dead dad time. Her name is Ashley...she should go out with that Chris Dead Mom guy!

A divorced girl with cats. She hates the "games guys play". Especially that game where they see that you have cats and run for their lives.

Michelle immediately tells us that she's not here "to make friends". Going to the Bachelor handbook early.

Madison is a model who likes vampires. The Bachelor is hitting on the trends!

Emily is hot as hell. Good Lord. They are stepping it up this year. Finally, someone to match Brad's beefiness. Her boyfriend died in a plane crash. And then she found out that she was pregnant. Sorry, dead dad lady, you've just been trumped.

Cancel this season: I'm proclaiming Emily the winner. She is the best looking girl they've ever had on this show. Damn!

Brad has a one on one chat with Chris. And then...he brings Jenni and DeAnna out! What the hell? Is there no shame? Of course there isn't. Jake proved that. I'm embarrassed for all involved right now.

DeAnna looks good. She's lost that snowboarder weight. Jenni somehow looks even more like that Silver Spoons chick.

I guarantee you that this entire 40 minutes to open the show is because of a giant network note by ABC: make Brad likeable. Make the audience want to root for this guy. We don't need it. At least I don't, then again, I love Brad.

There's lots of boring apologies. And blinking. The girls are skeptical.

AT LONG LAST, LIMO TIME

The girls supposedly don't know who the Bachelor is. So this is a "surprise" when they step out. One of the girls, while still in the limo, sees him, and goes "huh! Womack!!!"

CHANTEL O. - Okay, first of all, does the "O" mean there's going to be two Chantels? Second, they are not giving us the ages this season! What the hell? This is an outrage. I guess we're going to have to assume that all of them are 29 years old, as usual.

Another thing, Chantel is hot! Wow. I am impressed thus far. She's the girl who slaps Brad for all "the girls in America" - obviously, the producers set this up. But still, props to them. She looks like Summer Glau. Look it up.

KIMBERLY, 29. Blonde, from North Carolina. She's all right, definitely not her real age though.

ALLI, 29. She's from Ohio, with fake cans and a bad face.

ASHLEY S., 29. She's young and cute, and grabbed Brad's butt.

MEGHAN, 29. She is a fashion marketer from New York, and she's wearing obnoxious pink heels. Proving once again, people in fashion suck at fashion. She is very unattractive.

MARISSA, 29. She's a sports publicist from Florida. She's pretty, don't like her body though. She's already trying to be that girl who says she loves sports. That's always a lie.

LINDSAY, 29. A teacher from Texas. She has red hair and big shoulders.

ASHLEY H., 29. She's a dentist. She has a giant head. Holy cow. Like a Rosie O'Donnell head.

RAICHEL, 29. She's a manscaper, and quite possibly a man, baby. And yes, that is how she spells her dumb name.

MADISON, 29. The vampire. She has fangs. And she's trying to "act". Never a good sign.

MELISSA, 29. A waitress from Florida. She's spunky. She has an Anne Heche thing going on, but in a bad way. Wait, is there any other way to have an Anne Heche thing?

RENEE, 29. She's a nanny, and is in the running with Meghan for homeliness. Sorry, that's just real talk.

CRISTY, 29. An attorney. She has that look of an actual real person who probably shouldn't be on a reality show, but her friends pressured into it until finally she was convinced that she could compete with the Chantel's of the world. She can't. You have a real job, you're an attorney, you're walking into a lion's den of nannies and pharmaceutical reps! They'll eat you alive!

JACKIE, 29. An artist. Yeah, I'm sure she makes her living painting or some shit. She's all right.

SARAH P, 29. She might be 49. She makes Brad get on his knees and say "will you marry me?". Oh boy, put her in the "my ovaries are rotting" category.

LACEY, 29. An insurance agent from Florida. She kinda looks like Sammy from Days of Our Lives, except for skinny. And yes, I am straight.

LAUREN, 29. A high school teacher. She's got a little vibe to her, I kinda like it. She's top 5 material.

LISA P, 29. A young, disturbing mess. Think Tara Reid.

SHAWNTELLE, 29. A funeral director. Okay, this is our 2nd Chantel, but she spells it differently.

BRITNEE, 29. Oh parents, you and your wacky names. People who talk shit about black people's names need to watch this show. Because there are some weird ass spellings, and there are definitely no black people. So next time you're making fun of a Dwyane or a DaBrickashaw, remember Britnee and Raichel.

STACEY, 29. A bartender from Boston. She doesn't know who Brad is. He is stoked. She looks good right now, but you can tell things aren't going to hold up well for her.

JILL, 29. From Texas. She says "I'm ready to get married" with desperate eyes. Is no one teaching girls anything? Why don't they know how to talk to men? There's a reason you're not married, it's because you walk up to men and immediately say "I'm ready to get married". That has never worked.

LISA M., 29. She's from Kansas, and really, really tan. They do have tanning booths in Kansas. She's pretty cute.

REBECCA, 29. As tan as Lisa was, Rebecca is white. She is not good. She immediately kisses Brad on the mouth. Hey, I know this may rock your world, but not every guy in the world wants to kiss you.

J, 29. Seriously, J. That's her name. She's pretty hot - she looks a lot like Anna Faris, but with black hair.

KELTIE, 29. A dancer. Yes, Keltie. She's a monster. Like Melissa Rivers. And that's the biggest insult I can give to anyone.

SARAH L., 29. Bangs alert! Gross. It's not just the bangs, I am not liking her.

EMILY, 29. She doesn't look quite as good as the opening, but still pretty damn fine. She just keeps repeating "I'm so glad it's you, I'm so glad it's you" to Brad. Sorta weird. Brad is clearly impressed.

BRITT, 29. A food writer. She's semi-adorable.

MICHELLE, 29. And out steps a ridiculously good looking girl and Brad's mind (and my wiener) is blown. She says to Brad "you are exactly who I wanted to see right now" and Brad is stunned and says "you are exactly who I wanted to see right now!". It's so funny how much more confident she is than just about everyone else. She knows she's the shit, so do the producers, and they make her the last out of the limo. Good call.

Michelle is the new front runner.

COCKTAIL PARTY TIME

I really hope this doesn't devolve into a talent show as it usually does.

Brad gives a speech about his "past". Oh God. This is a little much. He didn't want to marry those girls, is that a crime? Neither did every other Bachelor.

All the ladies ask Brad the same exact question. But Ashley S., little sweet genius that she seems to be, takes a different tact and says "i don't care about that, if you ever need a friend and an escape, I'm here". See ladies, that's what men want to hear. FYI "escape" = blow jobs.

Poor Alli. She wore a green dress, the same exact color as Chantal's dress, and Chantal just destroys her in it.

And here comes the talent show. Raichel is a "manscaper", and waxes Brad's wrist. At least she didn't whip out a guitar and start singing.

And just as I type this, Jackie starts singing for him. Oh God. Where's Frog voice when you need him? Doesn't anyone watch this show? Singing with improvised lyrics is a terrible way to go.

Alli tells Brad that she was once broken up with because the guy told her that her ass is too big. And there's number 2 on the list of things guys love to hear. She asks Brad if she can handle her butt and Brad lies.

Alli says she's 24! She must not be counting the '90's.

I don't like Jill. She's the typical girl they pick. She's tall, and in person they get impressed by her tallness. But it doesn't work on camera.

There are a couple of really good looking girls on here. I wish there was some diversity, but Brad is a racist so what are you gonna do. But I have to say, I am mesmerized by Chantel. She might be this season's Moanna. And if you know me, you know that I never use Moanna's name lightly.

Madison the vampire weirds Brad out. He sees that she's "acting" and it pisses him off. He demands to know if she's here for the right reasons. You mean fame whoring? Then yes.

Michelle - the last girl out, the hot one - when she's in a certain light, looks like Ali Landry's mom. It's weird, there's something spectacular about her, but she might be pushing 45. That's not an exaggeration. She announces that she has a 5 year old son. Remember when this type of info would be saved for a third episode shocker?

Brad gives the 1st impression rose to Ashley S., the girl who knows what to say. Seems more like a 2nd or 3rd impression rose, seeing that the show is almost over, but whatever.

Call the cops, someone stole Ashley S's upper lip.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

MICHELLE - of course. Our early leader.

KIMBERLY - 2 for 2 on picks.

MADISON - the vampire. Someone's been reading a little too much "Twilight"...and every other book and tv show and movie.

EMILY - yes. We've never had a clear 1-2 race, but she's firmly in the 2 hole. And I'm sure Brad wants to be in her 2 hole.

RAICHEL - yikes. The first awful pick. But when you have to keep 15, you have a bite a few unattractive bullets.

KELTIE - ugh, Melissa Rivers.

ASHLEY H. - giant head.

MEIGHAN - this is a brutal stretch right now. After Michelle, Kimberly, and Emily, we've gone south.

LISA M. - okay, back on track. It's weird that Brad likes her though since she's the blackest girl on this show.

LINDSAY - token red head. I guess she qualifies as the lone minority.

ALLIE - giant ass!

SARAH P. - how old is she?

MELISSA - don't remember her at this point, but pretty cute.

BRITT - I'm okay with her.

STACY - I would've been disappointed if she was not chosen. But why no Chantel yet? This is stressing me out.

SHAUNTELLE - not the other Shauntelle! Nothing makes sense.

JACKIE - the singer. Let's hope we witnessed her last performance.

MELISSA - blonde girl, not good.

CHANTEL - huge sigh of relief in the Handleman household. That would've been the crime of the century. Even I would've had to turn on Brad.

I can't complain too much about his picks, but I am disappointed that Lauren didn't get a rose. She seemed solid. Maybe even worthy of a hometown visit.

The "this season on" is compelling. Michelle might be a star. But it's crazy how different she looks in every shot, she has an Eva Mendes quality about her.

Thanks for reading this crap. See you next week. Goodnight!

Read More

My Bachelor Brad Preamble

Okay, before we get into recapping the episode tonight, I must say a few words about Brad.

People have been asking me if I'd be watching this season, as if that's even a question. This, for me, and I think Chris Harrison would concur, is the most anticipated Bachelor season of all time!

Why?

Well, because Brad was a great Bachelor. And no one has ever gone twice. He's bringing baggage to the table. Oh, and one more thing, in case you didn't know: he happens to have an identical twin brother who looks exactly, and I mean, identical, to him. So there's a very good chance that this entire series could be a ruse, and the Bachelor might secretly be Chad. We will not know for sure until the final episode because these two are identical.

The weird thing about this is that this thing is being played like Brad is some kind of villain. We've all seen the promos of the girl making him get on his knees, or the girl slapping him across the face. Um, why exactly? Let's recap what happened on Brad's season:

He got to the end with Jenni, the cheerleader for the Suns, and DeAnna, the eye blinker from Georgia. He rejected Jenni, and then...he rejected DeAnna. He chose himself. For this, he is evil.



But wait...he's not the first person to do this on this show. As you Bachelor historians will note, Jen Sheft chose herself too! She rejected two guys at the end, and yet, that is forgotten. And Brad is the bad guy.

I think he's a victim of editing. The producers did too good of a job making it look like Brad was going to pick DeAnna. We knew Jen Sheft had no interest in any of those dudes. America got it's hopes and dreams wrapped up in the Brad/DeAnna love affair, but it wasn't really there. Let's be honest, Brad was too good for DeAnna.

So I'm not really sure what the issue is here. Would you have rather Brad proposed to DeAnna and then broken it off 2 months later like every single other Bachelor? At least he had the guts to ruin DeAnna's life right to her face on national TV.

I like Brad. And I'm even pretty cool with Chad. So I'm excited. So let's get on with the show...

Read More

27 Hours 'Till Bachelor Brad (Or is it Chad?!) Returns!

There will be a rage filled preamble before the recap that you won't want to miss, and I'm pretty sure it will be the longest post of the year. Or at the very least, the longest of 2011 so far.

Who's coming with me?

Read More