Bachelor Brad, Take 2: Ep 5. Widow Torture

So tired. Let's do it anyway...

This is the vaunted 2 on 1 date episode, where 2 girls go out on a date, only 1 comes home! Also, they are leaving the house and going to Vegas. Why? I think the lease was up or something. Actually, I'm pretty sure they just get these Vegas businesses to sponsor the whole show, it's the "Undercover Boss" model of financing. That's TV talk.

Brad says "admittedly I haven't gotten to know some of the girls that well yet". Yeah, like what's her name, and that other tan girl, and that one who doesn't talk.

And just as I say that, they let Marissa talk! Hey there, forgot about you. She's that sports girl. She loves sports.

The first date card is for Shawntel, and reads "let's end the night with a bang". Immediately, all the other girls are jealous because they wanted to be the first to get banged.

Brad takes Shawntel to a mall, and she is overly impressed with it. Brad says "this is one of the nicest malls in the world". I'm gonna need some statistics to back up that claim.

Shawntel is from Chico, Ca, and despite what she is saying Chico is not fucking Siberia. They do have stuff there, including white girls with black girl names.

Shawntel buys a lot of things, or at least buys a lot of bags. Then she brings the bags back to where the rest of the girls are, cause that's gonna go over well.

Brad goes to pick her up at the ladies hotel room. Shawntel comes down the stairs in her dress, and I think it makes her body look weird. She hugs Brad in front of the other girls. It's strange to see Michelle sitting next to Emily on the couch. Pure evil should not be that close to pure goodness.

Shawntel nervously tells Brad about her career as an embalmer. Let's just say the word "leakage" is used a lot. I would actually be interested in that. At least it's different, the last thing you want to do is hear more about pharmaceutical sales or real estate or whatever it is that Michelle claims to do besides married NBA players.

Brad giggles at the ridiculousness of the whole thing. I don't think he's too pleased by her job. It's just so outside of his realm that he's like, whatever, I guess I'll keep her around until I get rid of that girl whose name I don't know yet. He gives her the rose.

Speaking of being overly impressed: fireworks go off and Shawntel and the rest of the girls in their hotel room freak out. I think I've gone on a previous rant about fireworks during a recap, so I won't do another. But seriously, fireworks. Anything that's crafted and perfected in Mexico, can't be all that awesome.

My prediction for the 2 on 1: Marissa and Lisa. Because one of them has gotta go.

They announce who is going on the group date, and realize that the 2 on 1 is going to be an epic Ashley vs. Ashley showdown! That's even better. Finally, we can get some clarity on this Ashley issue.

The group date is at a race track. Why would they do this to poor Emily? So lame. She's dealt with enough in her life!

By the way, it can't be stated enough how tiny Emily is. She is really, really little. Even the girlfriends in NASCAR have to be midgets.

There is some confusion here. I don't know if this was shown out of order or what, but Brad does not appear to know that Emily's fiancee was a Nascar dude. It's annoying to everyone watching, because he keeps going "I don't know what's wrong with Emily" and I have to yell at him through the TV.

He takes Emily away from the girls and talks to her and she tells him again. In fact, the fiancee crashed on this exact Vegas track and it ended his career. Brad feels like an asshole.

The girls race. It would've been awesome if Emily did about 200 mph and smoked them. Instead, she gets in the car and starts bawling. Brad goes "you don't have to do this". Emily goes, "no, I'm so excited!" through tears. Kinda funny.

After rubbin' and racin', they go to a hotel pool. Brad pulls Emily aside again, and this is the last straw, particularly for Alli. She goes "so if you come here with the worst story you get the most time?!" Yeah, Emily's stoked her baby daddy died in the horrible plane crash so she can talk to Brad two more times than you.

Emily pulls a first: she ends the one on one time. Nice.

Then it's Alli's turn, and she...cries. You and your weird chin suck, lady.

Chantel's turn. She brings up Emily, but says that it "makes me love you--". She stops, "not love you! That's the wrong word".

Brad says let's get back to this love word, and she, in a very adorable way, says "don't go there!". Clearly, these two are together. The show is over, people. They are on a completely other level than everyone else. And p.s., she's great.

Crazy Michelle gets alone time. Her boobs are bulging, but then again, so are Brad's man bosoms. Brad says that Michelle has a way of making him forget everything else, and focus on her. But he says it like it's a good thing.

Emily gets the rose. Important note: Marissa, Lisa, and Jackie did not get alone time that we saw. And they barely said a word. We didn't see Britt either, but at least she's had screen time in the past.

When Brad gives Emily the rose, he says all the exact right things. It reminds us of why we fell for him in the first place.

Brad takes the 2 Ashley's to a Cirque Du Soleil Elvis show. My prediction: Ashley S. stays, but only because Ashley H. is the worst and it's bizarre that she's even on this show. She's gonna be on Bachelor Pad and everyone else isn't going to believe she was ever cast on this shit.

Ashley S. doesn't look like someone who would have crazy fake boobs, but she does.

From the looks of it, the guy running this Elvis show is Kurt Rambis. How come Cirque can do this with dumb Bachelor people, and that Spiderman on Broadway thing can't do it with professionals?

I hate how Brad has to pretend that he doesn't want to let one of them go, when he obviously chose them as the participants in this scenario.

Brad compliments Ashley S.'s eyes. Then he acknowledges Ashley H.'s help with making him realize he's changed, but thinks her eyes are "eh". But...

He gets rid of Ashley S.! No! Terrible decision. That's just insane. No clear thinking man would ever make that choice, he hasn't changed. Get that therapist on the line, stat. Did he travel with him to Vegas? I hope so.

Ashley S. cries way too much. Nevertheless, I look forward to seeing her in a bikini on Bachelor Pad.

Brad and Ashley H. get ready to perform in the show. On the door to their green room, it says "Brad" and "Ashley H.". A small detail, but a funny detail.

The Bachelor has a history of over dramaticizing this 2 on 1 situation, and tonight is no different. Elvis' "Are You Lonesome Tonight" plays as we watch Ashley S. cry in the limo.

There's the therapist! He didn't come to Vegas, but he is available on the head shrinker hot line. He tells Brad not to give a shit about the girls feelings, it's all about "the mission" of finding a wife. That sounds healthy.

I'll tell ya, Lisa never looks that good to me until the final rose ceremony, then she brings her A game. Maybe if she did that during the dates, she'd get some alone time. This is particularly annoying when you consider how much time Alli gets. Enough with her and her strange head.

Marissa alert! Oh my God, she just strung two sentences together. She seems to recognize her lack of talking by giving Brad a note. Hey Bill Shakespeare, this isn't summer camp. Try talking.

I feel like I'm watching this show from Chantel's eyes now, and it's pretty frustrating to watch Brad with everyone else when he's so clearly in love with me. I mean her.

Michelle gets Brad alone and puts some more moves on him, the kind that worked with Carlos Boozer, I'm sure. Have you seen Carlos Boozer? The man is a mutant. That's how good it is to be in the NBA, you get Brad level girls with a Boozer level face.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

MICHELLE - say what you want, but it's better for her to be here than the people who haven't spoken. That is, if you like drama.

ALLI - stop it with Alli! I despise her. Give Lisa or Jackie a chance, anyone but her.

BRITT - I like Britt, disappointed with her screen time tonight

JACKIE - who?

CHANTEL - like there was any chance it was anyone else.

Lisa, dear Lisa, and Marissa the Scrivener are gone. That's about right. It really is a shame though, because Lisa is cute. Is her personality that bad?

We are starting to get down to it. But there's really no point in keeping Jackie and Alli around, especially because of how crazy Alli's face looks.

Next week: more daredevil stuff.