The Bachelor Brad, Take 2!

You might want to read my preamble first. Interesting note before we begin: I reread my post about The Bachelor finale during Brad's last stint, and that episode was 1 hour long. For the finale! We haven't seen anything less than 2 hours in 3 years, even for that crappy Jillian season.

Okay, here we go:

Chris says that when Brad was on last time, it was "one of the most controversial Bachelor finales ever!" Ah, we're back.

Wait. Why is Brad doing this? If he doesn't like any of these girls, he's seriously, seriously screwed.

They are portraying Brad as a tortured man. After the Bachelor, his life was in shambles. He developed panic attacks. In no part of this does Brad say "I should've asked DeAnna to marry me".

When Brad is depressed, he likes to get shirtless. Brad is very beefy.

Hey ladies, it's a commitment phobe with daddy issues! Come and get some!

Uh oh, Brad has another brother, Wes. And they are almost as identical as Brad and Chad!

Oh my God, we even hear from Brad's therapist. "Hey Dr., I'm so depressed, this reality show manipulated me and ruined my life, what should I do?" "Go back on that show!"

Before we get to the limos, they make us meet some of the girls. For some reason, a lot of them have "funny" jobs, ie mortician.

Oh shit. Last season we had a dead mom, this year, it's dead dad time. Her name is Ashley...she should go out with that Chris Dead Mom guy!

A divorced girl with cats. She hates the "games guys play". Especially that game where they see that you have cats and run for their lives.

Michelle immediately tells us that she's not here "to make friends". Going to the Bachelor handbook early.

Madison is a model who likes vampires. The Bachelor is hitting on the trends!

Emily is hot as hell. Good Lord. They are stepping it up this year. Finally, someone to match Brad's beefiness. Her boyfriend died in a plane crash. And then she found out that she was pregnant. Sorry, dead dad lady, you've just been trumped.

Cancel this season: I'm proclaiming Emily the winner. She is the best looking girl they've ever had on this show. Damn!

Brad has a one on one chat with Chris. And then...he brings Jenni and DeAnna out! What the hell? Is there no shame? Of course there isn't. Jake proved that. I'm embarrassed for all involved right now.

DeAnna looks good. She's lost that snowboarder weight. Jenni somehow looks even more like that Silver Spoons chick.

I guarantee you that this entire 40 minutes to open the show is because of a giant network note by ABC: make Brad likeable. Make the audience want to root for this guy. We don't need it. At least I don't, then again, I love Brad.

There's lots of boring apologies. And blinking. The girls are skeptical.

AT LONG LAST, LIMO TIME

The girls supposedly don't know who the Bachelor is. So this is a "surprise" when they step out. One of the girls, while still in the limo, sees him, and goes "huh! Womack!!!"

CHANTEL O. - Okay, first of all, does the "O" mean there's going to be two Chantels? Second, they are not giving us the ages this season! What the hell? This is an outrage. I guess we're going to have to assume that all of them are 29 years old, as usual.

Another thing, Chantel is hot! Wow. I am impressed thus far. She's the girl who slaps Brad for all "the girls in America" - obviously, the producers set this up. But still, props to them. She looks like Summer Glau. Look it up.

KIMBERLY, 29. Blonde, from North Carolina. She's all right, definitely not her real age though.

ALLI, 29. She's from Ohio, with fake cans and a bad face.

ASHLEY S., 29. She's young and cute, and grabbed Brad's butt.

MEGHAN, 29. She is a fashion marketer from New York, and she's wearing obnoxious pink heels. Proving once again, people in fashion suck at fashion. She is very unattractive.

MARISSA, 29. She's a sports publicist from Florida. She's pretty, don't like her body though. She's already trying to be that girl who says she loves sports. That's always a lie.

LINDSAY, 29. A teacher from Texas. She has red hair and big shoulders.

ASHLEY H., 29. She's a dentist. She has a giant head. Holy cow. Like a Rosie O'Donnell head.

RAICHEL, 29. She's a manscaper, and quite possibly a man, baby. And yes, that is how she spells her dumb name.

MADISON, 29. The vampire. She has fangs. And she's trying to "act". Never a good sign.

MELISSA, 29. A waitress from Florida. She's spunky. She has an Anne Heche thing going on, but in a bad way. Wait, is there any other way to have an Anne Heche thing?

RENEE, 29. She's a nanny, and is in the running with Meghan for homeliness. Sorry, that's just real talk.

CRISTY, 29. An attorney. She has that look of an actual real person who probably shouldn't be on a reality show, but her friends pressured into it until finally she was convinced that she could compete with the Chantel's of the world. She can't. You have a real job, you're an attorney, you're walking into a lion's den of nannies and pharmaceutical reps! They'll eat you alive!

JACKIE, 29. An artist. Yeah, I'm sure she makes her living painting or some shit. She's all right.

SARAH P, 29. She might be 49. She makes Brad get on his knees and say "will you marry me?". Oh boy, put her in the "my ovaries are rotting" category.

LACEY, 29. An insurance agent from Florida. She kinda looks like Sammy from Days of Our Lives, except for skinny. And yes, I am straight.

LAUREN, 29. A high school teacher. She's got a little vibe to her, I kinda like it. She's top 5 material.

LISA P, 29. A young, disturbing mess. Think Tara Reid.

SHAWNTELLE, 29. A funeral director. Okay, this is our 2nd Chantel, but she spells it differently.

BRITNEE, 29. Oh parents, you and your wacky names. People who talk shit about black people's names need to watch this show. Because there are some weird ass spellings, and there are definitely no black people. So next time you're making fun of a Dwyane or a DaBrickashaw, remember Britnee and Raichel.

STACEY, 29. A bartender from Boston. She doesn't know who Brad is. He is stoked. She looks good right now, but you can tell things aren't going to hold up well for her.

JILL, 29. From Texas. She says "I'm ready to get married" with desperate eyes. Is no one teaching girls anything? Why don't they know how to talk to men? There's a reason you're not married, it's because you walk up to men and immediately say "I'm ready to get married". That has never worked.

LISA M., 29. She's from Kansas, and really, really tan. They do have tanning booths in Kansas. She's pretty cute.

REBECCA, 29. As tan as Lisa was, Rebecca is white. She is not good. She immediately kisses Brad on the mouth. Hey, I know this may rock your world, but not every guy in the world wants to kiss you.

J, 29. Seriously, J. That's her name. She's pretty hot - she looks a lot like Anna Faris, but with black hair.

KELTIE, 29. A dancer. Yes, Keltie. She's a monster. Like Melissa Rivers. And that's the biggest insult I can give to anyone.

SARAH L., 29. Bangs alert! Gross. It's not just the bangs, I am not liking her.

EMILY, 29. She doesn't look quite as good as the opening, but still pretty damn fine. She just keeps repeating "I'm so glad it's you, I'm so glad it's you" to Brad. Sorta weird. Brad is clearly impressed.

BRITT, 29. A food writer. She's semi-adorable.

MICHELLE, 29. And out steps a ridiculously good looking girl and Brad's mind (and my wiener) is blown. She says to Brad "you are exactly who I wanted to see right now" and Brad is stunned and says "you are exactly who I wanted to see right now!". It's so funny how much more confident she is than just about everyone else. She knows she's the shit, so do the producers, and they make her the last out of the limo. Good call.

Michelle is the new front runner.

COCKTAIL PARTY TIME

I really hope this doesn't devolve into a talent show as it usually does.

Brad gives a speech about his "past". Oh God. This is a little much. He didn't want to marry those girls, is that a crime? Neither did every other Bachelor.

All the ladies ask Brad the same exact question. But Ashley S., little sweet genius that she seems to be, takes a different tact and says "i don't care about that, if you ever need a friend and an escape, I'm here". See ladies, that's what men want to hear. FYI "escape" = blow jobs.

Poor Alli. She wore a green dress, the same exact color as Chantal's dress, and Chantal just destroys her in it.

And here comes the talent show. Raichel is a "manscaper", and waxes Brad's wrist. At least she didn't whip out a guitar and start singing.

And just as I type this, Jackie starts singing for him. Oh God. Where's Frog voice when you need him? Doesn't anyone watch this show? Singing with improvised lyrics is a terrible way to go.

Alli tells Brad that she was once broken up with because the guy told her that her ass is too big. And there's number 2 on the list of things guys love to hear. She asks Brad if she can handle her butt and Brad lies.

Alli says she's 24! She must not be counting the '90's.

I don't like Jill. She's the typical girl they pick. She's tall, and in person they get impressed by her tallness. But it doesn't work on camera.

There are a couple of really good looking girls on here. I wish there was some diversity, but Brad is a racist so what are you gonna do. But I have to say, I am mesmerized by Chantel. She might be this season's Moanna. And if you know me, you know that I never use Moanna's name lightly.

Madison the vampire weirds Brad out. He sees that she's "acting" and it pisses him off. He demands to know if she's here for the right reasons. You mean fame whoring? Then yes.

Michelle - the last girl out, the hot one - when she's in a certain light, looks like Ali Landry's mom. It's weird, there's something spectacular about her, but she might be pushing 45. That's not an exaggeration. She announces that she has a 5 year old son. Remember when this type of info would be saved for a third episode shocker?

Brad gives the 1st impression rose to Ashley S., the girl who knows what to say. Seems more like a 2nd or 3rd impression rose, seeing that the show is almost over, but whatever.

Call the cops, someone stole Ashley S's upper lip.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

MICHELLE - of course. Our early leader.

KIMBERLY - 2 for 2 on picks.

MADISON - the vampire. Someone's been reading a little too much "Twilight"...and every other book and tv show and movie.

EMILY - yes. We've never had a clear 1-2 race, but she's firmly in the 2 hole. And I'm sure Brad wants to be in her 2 hole.

RAICHEL - yikes. The first awful pick. But when you have to keep 15, you have a bite a few unattractive bullets.

KELTIE - ugh, Melissa Rivers.

ASHLEY H. - giant head.

MEIGHAN - this is a brutal stretch right now. After Michelle, Kimberly, and Emily, we've gone south.

LISA M. - okay, back on track. It's weird that Brad likes her though since she's the blackest girl on this show.

LINDSAY - token red head. I guess she qualifies as the lone minority.

ALLIE - giant ass!

SARAH P. - how old is she?

MELISSA - don't remember her at this point, but pretty cute.

BRITT - I'm okay with her.

STACY - I would've been disappointed if she was not chosen. But why no Chantel yet? This is stressing me out.

SHAUNTELLE - not the other Shauntelle! Nothing makes sense.

JACKIE - the singer. Let's hope we witnessed her last performance.

MELISSA - blonde girl, not good.

CHANTEL - huge sigh of relief in the Handleman household. That would've been the crime of the century. Even I would've had to turn on Brad.

I can't complain too much about his picks, but I am disappointed that Lauren didn't get a rose. She seemed solid. Maybe even worthy of a hometown visit.

The "this season on" is compelling. Michelle might be a star. But it's crazy how different she looks in every shot, she has an Eva Mendes quality about her.

Thanks for reading this crap. See you next week. Goodnight!