Ben the Bachelor No One Wanted, Ep 5

Is this season over yet? It basically is, but they're forcing us to sit through 10 more episodes. The crazy thing is we're 5 episodes in and there are still girls who have no business even being here. I'm looking at you, Kasey S, Blakely, and that one girl whose name I don't even know.

We are in Puerto Rico - home of Jennifer Lopez, Ricky Martin, and every player in the Major Leagues. Nicki gets the first one on one date. She wants to know "what it would really be like to be alone with him without 10 other girls waiting to talk to him". Um, boring?

Bachelor Copter! It's out early. Oh, I forgot that Nicki was married before. I probably didn't remember because Nicki hasn't been mentioned in the last 3 episodes.

Nicki says she's with the man of her dreams. I don't know if he's the man of anyone's dreams, but he definitely puts me to sleep. Jokes!

Nicki is thick! She's fitting in a little too well in Puerto Rico. It starts raining and it looks like a commercial for the new Fiat.

She says that Ben is muy, muy, muy caliente. Caliente means "hard to look at", right?

If you saw Ben and Nicki from behind I honestly don't think you could tell which one is which. I actually think Ben's hair is getting shorter in the back and longer in the front. Maybe he's like Pinocchio and every time he tells a winery lie his bangs grow.

Nicki is 26 years old, she was married for 3 years, and now she's on this show with the man of her dreams. I'm no math major, but she's either lying about her age or she was in an arranged marriage.

In other hair news, you can actually see Kacie B's hair curling right in front of your eyes. It's like one of those werewolf movies, but instead of turning into a wolf she's turning into Buckwheat.

Before:

After:


Nicki gets the rose.

The next group date is announced, and they realize that Elyse will be getting the final one on one. She's gets excited, not sure why, it's obvious she's getting her ass sent home in the most humiliating way possible: by Ben.

For the group date, they go to a baseball stadium. I believe that's Kenny Powers' home park. They're gonna play baseball and Blakely is "super excited" because she's good at baseball. Apparently, she has a lot of experience from playing with the balls on her chest.

Chris appearance! He tells the ladies that there's gonna be a beach party with Ben..."but not all of you will be there". You can hear one of the girls say "that's meeeeaaaaannnn". You're on a reality dating show! There is no mean! There's no crying on reality shows. Okay, yes there is, that's kind of the whole point.

They have to play baseball against each other to decide which team gets the beach date. Too bad that lesbian is gone, one of these teams could've used her softball experience.

The Blue team throws up 5 runs in the first, and then the Red team puts up 3 on a throwing error...by Ben. Leave it to this asshole to even suck at this.

The Blue team starts shutting shit down though because Blakely is catching everything. She then does a chest bump with Jennifer in celebration. I'm surprised those two rocks didn't put holes in Jennifer's chest.

Courtney on Blakely: "Who knew that strippers could play baseball?"

The game goes to extra innings. The Red team needs one out. Jennifer gets down to 2 strikes, and the Ump makes a very questionable ball call. But then mighty Jennifer strikes out. That means the winners are Kacie B, Courtney, Kasey S, Lyndzi, and the one girl whose name I don't know.

Blakely is so pissed that she accidentally lets her trashy southern accent slip out. She's kept that thing hidden like the thousands of abortions she's had after getting knocked up by VIPs at Hooters.

The Bachelor Copter lands and takes Ben and the ladies off on the rest of their date, causing the Blue team to break down in tears. Calm down, it's just Ben.

Ben says this to Kacie B: "All of the women that I've really fallen for in my life...have not loved me back". There's a shocker.

Kacie B gets called away and told she will be starring in a remake of Lady of Rage's music video, "Afro Puffs". She also gets the rose.

Then after Kacie gets the rose, Courtney "steals Ben away" for some extra alone time. Courtney: "Those girls have no idea what I'm capable of". Actually, I think they're pretty aware of it.

Courtney's side boob gets blurred. She then suggests to Ben that they go skinny dipping later.

Kasey S is the best looking girl with the least amount of air time in this show's history. And my credentials as a Bachelor historian cannot be questioned.

It's time for Elyse's date of doom. There's no way she's coming back from this. There's a better chance of Kacie's hair straightening out, of Kasey speaking two sentences in a row on camera, of Blakely's boobs being real, of Courtney having a pretty mouth, of Rachel being in her twenties...

Ben and Elyse go on a yacht. Bachelor Yacht! Ben is like Leo DiCaprio in Titanic, only the exact opposite.

Elyse says she's "done everything" in her life. That's because she counts "living on my own" as doing something.

She gave up her job to be here! She must have thought the Bachelor was going to be Brad again. HOLD THE PHONE, I just realized that Elyse is a personal trainer. So she gave up nothing.

Later, they have dinner. Ben brings up the obvious red flag "um, earlier you said you've accomplished everything you wanted to accomplish?". And then Elyse says the dumbest thing a single girl can say: "I'm sick of being single". Ben's testicles immediately shrink into his stomach.

Ben is so uncomfortable during this date it's hilarious. He has to dump her and he really has no nice excuse to do it. It just isn't there. He was praying she would do something stupid so he'd have an easy out but it really never came. He launches into his lame speech and does the deed.

Elyse wants to know what she did wrong. Ben tells her that it's her face. No, he tries to be nice. Then he forces her onto a dingy and she motors off, much like Michael and Walt at the end of season 1 on Lost.

I guess women always want to know what they did wrong because they've never had to compete against other women for a guy. It's usually pretty simple in the real world - just say yes. Guys love that in the real world! So it's completely foreign to her that he could just like the other girls more.

The girls are stunned by Elyse getting eliminated, but Courtney theorizes that "maybe she drank too much and the Jersey Shore came out". I love that hypothesis. Courtney also mentions that Elyse leaving "blew her panties off". Also blowing her panties off: any chance at more screen time.

Courtney decides to make good on her skinny dipping plan. She says "I don't know if he's ever skinny dipped with a model before". Oh, I hate that she calls herself a model, and as if this is some sort of weird naked swimming trophy all guys want. By the way, I don't think hand models should be allowed to call themselves models.

She's wearing a robe and Ben invites her into his place. They drink wine, and Courtney not so subtly shows him her tits. Literally. That's not a joke. SHE IS GOOD. This is what guys want to see. It ain't tricky.

After a lot of babbling, Courtney finally drops trau, they go in the ocean, and she jerks him off. She's playing for keeps, people. And by keeps, I mean keeps for a month to help her modeling career before she dumps him and sells the story to In Touch Magazine.

Blakely is nervous about possibly getting eliminated. I have to say, she has really turned herself around. I'm suddenly rooting for this plucky little slut.

It's funny, these girls get so nervous and then they finally get Ben alone and say exactly the wrong thing. Blakely: "I'm 33 and still single".

Blakely wisely goes back to her skanky instincts and gives him a full thrashing with her tongue. This hypnotizes Ben into forgetting about her age.

Courtney brags about her "secret" with Ben, and then proceeds to hint to all of the girls about skinny dipping. Poor Jennifer goes on and on about skinny dipping, not knowing what happened. Poor, sweet, innocent, dumb, fake red headed Jennifer.

Oh, Emily, No! She gets Ben alone, and apologizes for talking shit about Courtney. She wants him to know she's not thinking about her anymore and she feels awful about bringing it up. AND THEN, she goes, but Courtney is such a weirdo. I'd hate to see you end up with her, and on, and on. Unbelievable. And she has a PHD? In what, shooting herself in the vagina?

Courtney is very similar to Dr. Michael Mancini from Melrose Place.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

LYNDZI - she's sort of just floating by, almost an unknown quantity at this point

JAMIE - speaking of unknown, this is the girl whose name I never know

RACHEL - it's her 40th birthday!

COURTNEY - she acts all surprised

KASEY S - an enigma

BLAKELY - one more week

EMILY - WHAT??!

Shockwaves have just gone through the Handleman house. What the fuck? Jennifer gets eliminated? Really, Ben? Jamie is still here, but Jennifer is gone? That is madness. Complete madness.

Kasey S is a mute! She was born without a tongue. And she's still around? Nothing makes sense. Oh shit, Jennifer just asked what she did wrong.

This is really weird. Not because she got sent home, but because of who is still left.

If Ben were in the real world, Jennifer wouldn't even give him a second look. I am upset. That was hurtful. Fuck Ben.

Next week: Kasey S finally gets her moment, but someone had to die for her to get it. And later, there's a mutiny on the Courtney.

For the record, here is Ben making out with Jennifer moments before eliminating her:


Huh?

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Demi Moore Has Always Liked Younger Dudes

This is pretty amazing...

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The Challenge Is Back!

I'm not sure what my favorite ongoing reality series is, but in the top 3 would have to be The Real L Word on Showtime, Bachelor Pad, and of course, The Real World/Road World Challenge on MTV.

This show has morphed from a little Battle of the Network Stars type experiment involving cast members from The Real World and Road Rules, into the entire reason those shows even exist. Now they are a mere farm system for The Challenge.

Part of what sets this show apart is that the "stars" are reality show careerists. They have no other lives but this show, and desperately need the money to survive until the next season. Making matters even more difficult, they blow their cash on drugs and boob jobs. So you don't have to worry about them not bringing it.

Imagine the Olympics if the contestants were encouraged to take steroids and fuck each other. That's the beauty of The Challenge.

There are 2 drawbacks to this season: No Kenny, and no big beautiful, incredibly handsome and beefy Zach.


A Zach vs. CT matchup is the Mayweather/Pacquiao of The Challenge. Two monsters going at it.


But it was not to be. I'm hoping cooler heads will prevail and that happens at some point.

On the plus side, CT is in the building this year. As is Dustin, the straight guy who used to do gay porn. He has to team up with the girl he went out with until she found out he used to suck wieners on camera.

They're a team because it's the "Battle of the Exes". It's pretty easy to pull off because everyone on this show has had sex with everyone else at some point. The CDC should probably be aware of this situation because they're probably creating some kind of super strain of herpes. If an epidemic does break out in America, I wouldn't be surprised if Paula is patient zero.

Wes is back after his embarrassing performance in last year's finale, where Kenny had to carry him on his back up a mountain. Johnny Bananas is back as well, fresh off his lawsuit against Entourage over the name Johnny Bananas.

Overall, it's shaping up to be an enjoyable season and I encourage you to get on board.

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Ben the Bachelor No One Wanted, Ep 4

Who are the Bachelor producers going to pull out of their ass to claim they love Ben this week? Chantel? Shawntelle? Ames?

We are now in Park City, Utah. Why? Ben says he "wants them to experience the outdoors. The outdoors are a big part of my life". Not part of his life: hair maintenance.

The first date is with Rachel, the girl with bangs who says she's 27 but looks exactly like Cheryl Tiegs looks right now. This makes Kacey B cry, because she wishes she "could just be going to the grocery store with him right now". Man, she really loves produce. And also, boring guys.

Bachelor Copter! I could've made them millions if they would've listened to my idea of buying their own helicopter 10 seasons ago. You could start a whole side business, where real couples could pay to use the Bachelor Copter and go on Bachelor dates and then 10 other girls come along too and then the couple fights and breaks up and he doesn't give her a rose and ends up with a fame whore who dumps him 3 weeks later to go on the Bachelor Pad, fucks Wes, then gets cheated on and has to settle for Frog Voiced Kasey.

They fly to a river or something, and go on a boat. It's funny because they both say how romantic and peaceful and perfect it is and then they cut to a shot of 500 flies flying all around them and that trash filled river.

My guess: Rachel smokes 3 packs a day.

She has nothing to say and it's awkward. She's out boring Ben. I didn't think that was possible. Ben: "It's not that my guard is up with Rachel, there's just something, I don't know, something I can't put my finger on". Yeah, her pussy.

They try to make it seem like Rachel turns it around, but she totally doesn't. She seems like a huge dummy. He gives her the rose in a pure pretty play. In other words, her hot body and face saved her ass. Her personality is ugly, but that never trumps boobs.

Group date. Ben is poorly riding a horse. He looks like Billy Crystal in City Slickers but with a mullet. They are going fly fishing. Just what you want to see hot girls wear: waders. Although I guess there's something in them tugging on poles.

No surprise, Courtney is the best at it, tugging on poles, that is. I know it's not a popular opinion, but I kind of enjoy Courtney. She's embracing the evil. She knows who she is on this show and she is not shying away from it. I also like how aware she is that everyone else hates her and even tries to make them hate her more. Hey, in a season of Ben and Kacie B's, you take what you can get.

We have a Casey S. sighting! I don't think she's spoken a word until right now. She's kind of attractive to be so hidden away all this time. And of course we get two words from her and stupid Nikki interrupts. I want to get to know Casey S!

That's not an elephant in the room, that's Nikki's giant nose.

Sam the Sash gets alone time, and we haven't seen much of her either. But she says: "I have such crazy feelings for this guy, I feel like I should already have a ring on my finger". Easy there, it's Ben, not the Miss Palisades pageant.

Ben completely swats her down. She must be acting nuts when the camera is not around because Ben is as animated and mean as I've ever seen him. He goes "on the group dates you're very emotional and I wonder if you're here for me". So she makes this face:


Then Ben says it's time to end this right now. I really wish they would've shown what actually happened here, because we barely saw this girl and now Ben is straight going off on her.

Also, if he felt that way, why not dump her last week and keep Shawntel? Oh that's right, cause Shawntel was a plant.

It's kinda feeling like he could end the show now and just propose to Kacie B. They are a perfect match, probably because of their matching hair.

Courtney gets her alone time and screws things up by bumming Ben out with talk of "the process". No one wants to hear that! Stick to pretending he's attractive, he likes that.

Aw, but it was all a trick! She is the master manipulator! Because her pouting causes Ben to give her the rose to make her feel better. Wow. Courtney, I will never doubt you again. I will never doubt how pathetic Ben is again either.

It's so funny when Ben goes to get the rose for her, and she's just sitting, sipping her wine in that evil way that she does, so fucking proud of herself. God damn bitches.

The final one on one date is with Jennifer, the cute, yet possibly slightly chubby and friend zoney, fake redhead.

They go hiking. And then repelling down a crater down to water. I don't know why they have to get practically naked to do it but I'm fine with it.

Ben says that relationships are all about trust and falling into the unknown, and then as they drop into the water he completely lands on top of her. Well, I guess in a certain way relationships are about that too.

Jennifer is a sweetie.

This statement by Ben just made me yell at the TV "fuck you! who are you?!" He says to Jennifer: "You think you'd be able to handle a crazier lifestyle. The days aren't the same, I never really know where I'm gonna be or what I'm to be doing, I have to be very flexible with a relationship that's flexible".

What do you think you're God Damn Brad Pitt or something?! What does he think he's up to that's so crazy? He should be on his knees begging Jennifer to live his boring life with him.

As Ben is giving her the rose, he says some nonsense about how he wasn't sure about her. Again, he gives off the vibe that she's this boring accountant and he's this wild man with all this stuff going on. You fake own a winery, you're not the most interesting man in the world.

Afterwards, Clay Walker, who Jennifer informs us is "a superstar" is "playing a concert just for them", except there's a hundred other people there.

I have to admit, I've never heard of Clay Walker, superstar. But I think he's the guy with the cowboy hat on.

Cocktail party. Emily gets alone time and rats out Courtney. She starts to do it and Ben goes "I don't know who you're talking about, I know you're not gonna throw anyone under the bus". And then Emily throws Courtney under the bus.

And this angers Ben! He hates when girls talk shit. Ben: "It's probably gonna end up in your own demise".

Demise? Jesus, someone thinks highly of himself. Ben is morphing into a big headed, big haired monster. Hey dickface, don't let all these girls go to your head, they're here because it's a TV show.

In a surprise twist, Kasey S. reveals that she's on Team Courtney! She loves her, and tells Emily so. Kasey S. is a fucking wild card, people. We need more of her.

Kasey S. immediately goes and tells Courtney what Emily said about her. This is so crazy, it's like Kasey S. hasn't even been on the show until right now. And she may not have been, I have to check the tapes.

Courtney commences "Operation Mindfuck" on Emily, and it immediately pays big dividends. Emily is a single A player and has found herself in the bigs with an inability to hit the curveball and little to no self esteem.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

LINDZI - in case you forgot, crazy face is still with us

JAMIE - she's venturing into Kasey S. territory with her lack of screen time on this show

NIKKI - she's the wannabe Kacie B

KACIE B - and she's the real thing

ELYSE - another girl without a speaking role this week

BLAKELY - remember when everyone hated Blakely? Courtney's evilness has turned her into just one of the gals

KASEY S - welcome to the party! By the way, she might be the hottest girl there, how has this happened?

EMILY - she's still in the game and a catfight is sure ensue next week

Finally, Monica the Lesbian got eliminated. Amazing that she lasted this long after saying very loudly in episode 1 that she had no interest in Ben and wanted to fuck Blakely.

Luckily, she's from Salt Lake City, so this limo is actually just driving her home. Judging from her tears, I think when she's sober she doesn't know that she loves poon.

Classic moment: Ben says "we're going to Puerto Rico!" All of the women cheer, but Courtney, under her breath, says "I was just there 2 months ago". Ha! It was just like that Kristen Wiig character, "I'm the President of Puerto Rico, so..."

Next Week: Courtney throws down the gauntlet. And by that I mean she shows Ben her beaver.

Goodnight!

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I Have Been Successfully Rebutted

Yesterday I wrote a little bit about Newt and his 3 marriages. Today, Fox News has made me look like an idiot.

Dr. Keith Ablow has written an opinion piece about why Newt's marriages actually might make him a good president.

If you don't want to click, here is part of his reasoning:

I want to be coldly analytical, not moralize, here. I want to tell you what Mr. Gingrich’s behavior could mean for the country, not for the future of his current marriage. So, here’s what one interested in making America stronger can reasonably conclude—psychologically—from Mr. Gingrich’s behavior during his three marriages:

1) Three women have met Mr. Gingrich and been so moved by his emotional energy and intellect that they decided they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with him.

2) Two of these women felt this way even though Mr. Gingrich was already married.

3 ) One of them felt this way even though Mr. Gingrich was already married for the second time, was not exactly her equal in the looks department and had a wife (Marianne) who wanted to make his life without her as painful as possible.

Conclusion: When three women want to sign on for life with a man who is now running for president, I worry more about whether we’ll be clamoring for a third Gingrich term, not whether we’ll want to let him go after one.

4) Two women—Mr. Gingrich’s first two wives—have sat down with him while he delivered to them incredibly painful truths: that he no longer loved them as he did before, that he had fallen in love with other women and that he needed to follow his heart, despite the great price he would pay financially and the risk he would be taking with his reputation.

Conclusion: I can only hope Mr. Gingrich will be as direct and unsparing with the Congress, the American people and our allies. If this nation must now move with conviction in the direction of its heart, Newt Gingrich is obviously no stranger to that journey.

Is this for real?

I've heard Dr. Ablow on the Howard Stern before. He did some normal sounding stuff. Then he came on again, complaining about Chaz Bono and how kids were going to see him and want to cut their penis's off. Because of that, I have to assume this is not satire.

It says that he is a psychiatrist and member of the Fox News Medical A-Team. But you may know him by his given name, BA Baracus.

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I've Got Nothing

I have nothing interesting to write about. I'm gonna do my Nicholas Fehn impression and just give you my skewed view of things.

I'm glad American Idol's ratings weren't that good. It's amazing how long America's fascination with singing competitions has lasted. Is this the beginning of the end? It has to be, right?

I saw the year end ratings top ten recently, and it was something like this:

1. American Idol
2. American Idol Results Show
3. Dancing With the Stars
4. Dancing With the Stars Results Show
5. America's Got Talent

That is a sad, sad list. I never would've imagined that America would be this interested in watching mediocrity. It's also interesting to note that this has coincided with the decline of the music industry as a whole and the rise of Lana Del Rey appearances on SNL. Nothing makes sense!

I watched the debate tonight. I'm hoping for a Newt march to victory. He proposed to his second wife while still married to his first, he proposed to his third wife while still married to his second. He broke up with the first wife after she got cancer, and broke up with the second after she found out she had multiple sclerosis. And this is the best the Republicans have to offer! Fascinating.

My question is: what does the job of governing Texas entail? It can't be much. I'm sure that's been said before but it can't be emphasized enough how dumb Rick Perry is.

The 49ers somehow are in the NFC Championship game this weekend, and I'm conflicted. I love them, I want them to win, but I don't really understand how this has happened. Also, I feel the same way about Alex Smith that I feel about Tim Tebow. He's not an NFL quarterback. So this winning season is great, but I fear it will mean 5 more wasted years with Alex Smith.

It's so odd how winning makes all the weaknesses disappear. The media can't fathom that a team wins despite someone sucking. And that's what the niners have done. They have the 29th ranked passing offense in the league, and they are the league's worst in the red zone. And yet, you know, because of how far they've reached, they're gonna go with the same crap ass QB next year. That's hard for me to stomach.

I've been back working on season 4. Hard to believe we're on the 4th season. This is now officially the most episodes of one show I've ever worked on. It's gone by in a blur of nut shots and puke.

I'm really enjoying "Revenge". I don't know if it's good TV, it's probably rather stupid, but it keeps me entertained. They're finally realizing the fact that the guy who plays Conrad Grayson is only good at playing a bad guy. He has no range except for "evil". He has to be a dick in real life.

Why is NBC doing that thing in the "Smash" promos where they go "and introducing Katharine McPhee". Yeah, um, she was on the biggest TV show in the world. Smash is going to get a quarter of those ratings. You're not introducing her, you're ruining her career.

Okay, have to go to sleep now...

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Ben the Bachelor No One Wanted, Ep 3

In honor of Ben and the producers of this show, I'm gonna do a half assed job tonight.

The gals head to Ben's "other" hometown of San Francisco. There are a lot of people who live in San Francisco while operating their own winery in Sonoma: they're called liars.

Ben meets up with his sister to chat. They look exactly alike, except for his sister has less feminine hair.

Emily gets the first one on one date. It's hard for me to remember who she is, but it says she's 27 and getting her PHD. She's gonna be a Doctor of going out with boring motherfuckers.

For their date, they are going to climb on top of the Bay Bridge. As a Bay Area native, I will tell you I had no idea that this was allowed. There tends to be quite a few earthquakes, so this seems like a terrible idea. I seem to recall one time where the earth shook and that whole bridge almost came down. I recall it because I was shitting my pants at the time.

As they walk up, Emily panics. She should be applauded for having a survival instinct. Ben gives her a kiss on the bridge and thinks that solved all of her problems. The only problem it solved was that it switched her fear from heights to a fear of having to spend the rest of the day with this dude.

Just like the time Ben had a bottle of wine once, he's now gonna tell people he climbs bridges for a living.

Later, they have dinner. Emily tells a story about online dating and being matched up with her brother. Ben doesn't let her finish the story but I'm gonna have to assume she ended up banging her brother. He gives her the rose.

Ben announces: "I could very well spend the rest of my life with her". This guy would propose to a fucking cheeseburger if it touched his lips the right way.

Group date. 11 women, 1 douche in need of a haircut. In one of the worst product placements ever, the girls tell us about the all new Honda CRVs. A crap car for a crap season.

Ben keeps saying "my leap list". Apparently one of the things on his leap list was to fill a street up with fake snow and ski down it with 11 women in bikinis. That one probably seemed like a long shot when he was jotting down that ol' leap list.

Rachel gets some alone time with Ben. She's really sticking with those bangs, but her body is quite nice. However, if she's 27 then I'm too cool to be blogging about the Bachelor. And we all know that is clearly not true.

Brittney gets the next one on one date, but she's "torn and confused" about it. Uh oh. She wants to go home! This never used to happen until Ashley showed up. Now it's a string of Bachelors who people are openly rejecting. Amazing. No one ever said no to Brad, I'll tell you that!

I've seen enough and will be making predictions at the end of this.

Lindzi the awful horse girl gets Brittney's sloppy seconds for the date. Lindzi sort of looks like Rachel, but in that same way that Leighton Meester looks like Minka Kelly but Minka is so much hotter. Lindzi isn't good, and secretly has crazy face.

They go up to City Hall and the door is locked. Ben pulls out a key and opens it. Lindzi: "I don't know who this guy is, but he's kind of amazing". Bitch, he doesn't actually have a key to City Hall. You are on a television show!

They go in and some terrible band is playing, and they dance and kiss. Then they head to Ben's "favorite speakeasy". It has a password to get in and it's "horse, of course". Too bad he wasn't with horse faced Blakely cause that would've been even more appropriate.

Lindzi tells Ben that she was dumped by her boyfriend of 1 and a half years via text that said "welcome to Dumpsville, population you". Sorry, but either you did something really bad to deserve that, or you chose to spend a year and a half of your life with an absolute dick. Either way, you suck at least a little bit.

On this date Lindzi's hair is constantly in a state of just been riding in a convertible for 6 hours.

CUT TO: mysterious footage of a car driving on the freeway. A girl speaks to Chris on the phone, telling him she's almost there. She says butterflies are starting to kick in. Who is this mysterious girl the producers have introduced into the mix to try and add a sliver of intrigue to this show?

We hear the girl say "I was on Brad's season of the Bachelor". Um, that doesn't narrow it for me, Brad has been on the show 12 times. Shit. Who is this?

And finally they reveal it's...

Shawntel!

Whoa. Didn't see that coming. I like it. I wish it was Chantal, but beggars can't be choosers. She says she has "very strong feelings for Ben". Do they know each other? I don't know what's going on.

Before the night started, Courtney toasted to a "drama free" night. Then she proceeds to start a bunch of drama. The girls start to notice that she might be a psychopath. I give her a pass, only because she delivered the best moment last week when she sipped her wine and said "it's like...war out there".

Courtney tells Ben "we'll make cute babies". All right, that's a little much. She might have a case of the rotting ovaries and now she's forcing herself to be proactive for the first time in her life.

God damn Kacie B has some hair issues. Holy shit. She has to be part black. If Chris Rock does a sequel to that hair movie, she should star.

Very funny moment as Shawntel walks past all the girls wearing her dress. At first they don't even notice, then they're all "who was that?" And then the freak out begins!

Ben finally sees her and says "holy shit!" Again, do they know each other?! Please, someone tell us. Maybe Ben's side gig is at the funeral home.

Elyse has to be dragged away from Ben for Shawntel. She's so angry it's awesome. This is the face she makes...


Ben and Shawntel talk. Shawntel says "we've talked before". When? At one of those Bachelor cruises? At the Bachelor Pad auditions? There's too much going on behind the scenes in the Bachelor universe. We need a channel. Oprah's not doing shit with hers, hand it over, bitch.

By the way, this is not unprecedented. During Byron's season (which I'm sure no one watched but me), they introduced two girls from a previous season. One of them was Mary who ended up winning. And by winning I mean getting punched in the face by Byron and repeatedly getting arrested for domestic abuse.

After talking to Ben, Shawntel has to go hang out with the girls. And of course, they start yelling at her. It's amazing. "She's uglier in person", is one of the comments. "You fucking loser", is another. Women hating other women for no real reason? Say it isn't so.

Jaclyn, the monster face, feels like she's better than Shawntel. Uh, no you're not.

Courtney: "If Ben gives Shawntel a rose, I am out". Oh Courtney, I used to respect you.

Some of you ladies are going to have to comment below and tell us why exactly they are crying about this, because I am at a loss. It's a game show! There are still 15 other girls there!

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

COURTNEY - she hesitates before accepting, and wants him to know that she saw him talking to "what's her butt" and it was "a lot". Ben has no idea what she's saying and just gives her the rose without responding

KACIE B - a frontrunner

ELYSE - I am not a fan, especially after seeing the face pictured above

JAIMIE - she got no screen time tonight

JENNIFER - her star is fading

KASEY S - she's blonde and I forgot she was still here

BLAKELY - neigh

MONICA - ???!!!!! How is she still here? Disturbing. This is the longest a lesbian has ever lasted on this show, not counting Jerry O'Connell's brother

NIKKI - haven't seen much of her

SAMANTHA - Sam the sash

Before he hands out the final rose, he attempts to say a few words. Erica freaks the fuck out and basically falls down. One of the girls tells her to "put her head between her legs". The reason she's freaking out is because she didn't put her head between Ben's legs and now she's outta here.

The girls blame Erica's situation on Shawntel. I don't think it was Shawntel feeding her tequila and Xanax.

After things get settled, Ben declares that he's not handing out the final rose, and all 3 of the remaining girls (Shawntel, Erica, and Jaclyn) are eliminated.

Dude! You kept Monica over Shawntel? That's madness. Erica breaks down into tears. Jaclyn storms out.

The most maddening part of this whole thing is how mad and defiant Jaclyn is. Has she looked into a mirror lately?


It's pure insanity that she thought that she had a chance. She makes Vienna look like someone that's attractive.

Ben walks Shawntel out. The rest of the girls are pleased he got rid of her, cause they know and fear the dangers of new pussy.

I'm not sure what Ben was thinking, or what happened with him and Shawntel in the past, but I'm guessing he sensed the animosity from the rest of the girls and didn't want to cause trouble. Probably the right thing to do. But some of the girls still left are ridiculous.

RANKINGS

1. Kacey B
2. Lindzi
3. Courtney
4. Emily
5. Rachel
6. Jennifer
7. Nikki
8. Jaimie
9. Kasey S.
10. Elyse
11. Samantha
12. Blakely
13. Monica


Goodnight!

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The Real Mysteries of the Dragon Tattoo

I haven't read the Dragon Tattoo books. Awhile ago, I was dragged to the theater to see the Swedish film version of it. And much to my surprise, I really liked it. It's a great movie, very well done all around.

I finally watched David Fincher's version of "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo". It's a good movie, and though I'm probably biased because I saw the Swedish version first, the Swedish version was better.

But that's neither here nor there.

The interesting thing for me is the ability to compare two movies, made around the same time, about the same book, from different countries.

That's probably happened a bunch of times, but I can't really remember some examples except for "Vanilla Sky" (though that wasn't based on a book). However, that's not as fun to look at because both versions of that movie are piles of shit.

In this case, the movies are actually good, and now the people in the American version are up for a bunch of awards.

This seemed odd to me. Yeah, Steve Zaillian did a great job of adapting the book, but some random dude in Sweden did the same thing a few years ago and did just as good a job. Did he get any Golden Globes?

And sure, Rooney Mara was great as Lisbeth Salander, but so was Noomi Rapace, where's her trophy?

The point is, doesn't it take away from the greatness of the acting, directing, writing, etc., if some Swedish people have already done it, and done it just as well if not better?

There's an even bigger factor to this: David Fincher was somehow able to pull this movie off using a budget of:

$90 million dollars.

The Swedish version managed to do it with:

$13 million dollars.

$13 million dollars! And I liked that movie better! Where does that extra $77 million go? It's gotta be the damn unions fault. Wait, sorry, I've been watching too many Republican debates.

But still, that seems pretty crazy. And if I was the head of a studio I'd be scratching my head, and moving to Sweden. Shouldn't there be a degree of difficulty here? Imagine what that Swedish director could've done with $77 million more dollars.

One other thing that bewildered me about the American version:

Swedish accents.

I was pretty surprised by this and wasn't expecting it. I was expecting the American version to have American accents. Does this story have to be set in Sweden? Does it matter?

And if it does (because of the ex Nazi thing), do people in Sweden talk to each other in Swedish accents?

And was Daniel Craig even doing one? How come he was allowed to be British? Cause it's not American and we can't tell the difference? Did the script say "all actors will speak in Swedish accents?"

These are questions I want to know.

Let me conclude with a quote from David Fincher himself, on his movie vs. the Swedish one:

"I thought it was wonderfully done, but when I read the book it was a different story I saw in my head to the film that I saw."

Really? Cause it looked a lot like the same exact story, just a lot more expensive.

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Team Handleman Expands

The decision has been made, and I have signed with an agency. Team Handleman now includes an agent, a manager, and a lawyer! Who am I? Trust me, I do not generate the kind of income that deserves this many leeches fighting for my scraps. How do they live? I don't know, they must have a million idiots like me for it to add up to any kind of living wage.

If you're a little surprised about this decision, well, so am I. Team Handleman has never really produced results. Actually, the only thing Team Handleman has ever produced is good stories for this blog. Another agent? What's the point? Why?

Well, here's my reasoning.

The argument against having an agent and a manager is the percentage of your income you have to fork over. That's really it. Other than that, there's no downside. But obviously, that's a really big downside.

Thus, the reason I decided to get an agent is because I don't care about money.

Okay, that's a lie. Of course I care about money! I'm not a dirty hippy. No one wants to be a part of the 99% if they have a choice. There isn't a person living in a tent who wouldn't trade places with Mitt Romney in a second. Heck, I'll throw on some magic underwear and praise Brigham Young right now if it means I get to live like Mitt.

But what I mean by not caring about the money is this:

I'm trying to have the best career I can possibly have. I'm trying to create my own shows and run them. I'm trying to be Jason Katims/Steven Bochco/David E. Kelley up in this bitch. Is that going to happen? Probably not. But I might as well give myself every opportunity to make that happen.

So the percentage taken out of the little money I make now isn't that big a deal...if it can lead to me making the big bucks in the future.

Again, probably not going to happen. But I'd rather not risk it and end up regretting it later.

And if it doesn't work out and they're taking 20% of my measly paycheck for writing one liners on MTV's "Teen Mom" dating show (which will inevitably happen), well then I will fire Team Handleman. It didn't work out, no harm done. At least I gave it a shot.

But if it does happen, and I'm running shit, maybe it will seem worth it. Maybe they made it happen. Or better yet, once I get there, I'll fire Team Handleman and keep all that cash for myself!

They'll either help or hurt or do nothing, and then in every scenario I can get rid of them and that 20% was just the price of playing.

So there you go. For my sake, I hope you never hear about Team Handleman's follies again, but I highly, highly doubt it. They are agents, after all. It's in their nature to fuck with me.

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Ben the Bachelor No One Wanted, Ep 2

Ben says he is "flying the girls up" to Sonoma, so they can understand a big part of his life. Maybe before you do that, you should talk to them once or twice, have a dinner or something. Oh, the producers are trying to spice this turd up? Got ya.

To understand Ben's life, the ladies are staying in a giant house with a pool instead of Ben's studio apartment.

The first date is a one on one with Kacey B. She's already thinking of their wedding day. Hold on, lady, you're not even his favorite Kacey.

There's wild speculation in the Handleman household that Kacey B. might be half black. That is unconfirmed, but if I can get a better look at her ass the rumor might pick up steam.

By the way, this could make for the greatest Bachelor finale of all time. She makes it to the final two and then Ben finds out she's half black, he cries uncontrollably on a balcony overlooking the ocean, and then proposes to the girl with pure Aryan blood.

It's not that Ben is bad, it's that he's nothing. If I wanted to watch average nobodies fall in love I'd have friends.

Ben gives barely white Kacey the rose, and then they go to a theater and watch old videos of Kacey. I have to assume she knew this was coming unless ABC somehow broke into her parent's closet. Then they show home movies of Ben as a kid. We get a look at his dead dad. Ben cries. Okay guys, now that you're all depressed, it's time for you to fuck!

Kacey seems like a nice gal, I have no objections to her. But I think they're setting us up for "our first date was amazing and I thought you were the one, but now after these group dates I don't feel special anymore and I don't know what to believe". I've seen it a thousand times.

Group date. 12 women. That's about 6 too many. Blakely's fake boobs (didn't notice those before) are successfully distracting me from her crazy Fire Marshall Bill teeth.

They are going to have to perform a play. First, they have to audition for a bunch of kids. The women seem horrified by this. There's a creepy Asian girl who is ordering them around. Ben must hate her cause she's Asian. And also because she's a girl with self esteem.

A little dude asks Blakely to jog in slow motion, which is awesome because of her tits. Next they should ask her to chew in slow motion.

I should note that psycho ass Jenna is on this date. I should also note that she's probably the prettiest psycho the show has ever produced. It makes her nuttery all the more entertaining.

The play is a fairy tale about Ben as the prince who as everything except for a princess. It's worse than that sounds. I feel bad for the girls. I think that one ugly blonde girl (Jaclyn) is playing the part of Shrek.

Ben says the play is something that "Sonoma won't forget for awhile". Not a lot going on in that town. I think the last noteworthy thing that happened in Sonoma was when Detective Linden finally moved there after solving the Rosie Larsen case.

Blakely and Monica are on this date together but they've seemed to drop the lesbian lover routine. Very disappointing. Oh, I almost forgot, big shout out to the commenter who informed us that Blakely actually works at Hooters. That's awesome, "VIP cocktail waitress". Ha. Get me my chicken wings, bitch.

Nicki is the two face of the group. I'm so confused, sometimes she's cute, sometimes she's not. I can't keep track. Whoa, she's ugly again...

Jennifer, the red head who I loved last week, gets some alone time. Ben sneak attacks her with a smooch. I don't like the way she kisses, she's a pecker. He might be awful too. I swear, 25 seasons and they haven't found a solid kisser yet.

Then Blakely gets Ben in the pool and sneak attacks him with a kiss. Return fire! Unfortunately, Jennifer sees this and doesn't know what to believe. Believe that this is the Bachelor, and you're on a date with 11 other sluts.

In a minor upset, Ben gives the rose to Blakely. Never underestimate surgically enhanced breasts and the manipulative skills of a Hooters waitress. That food ain't that good.

Jennifer cries over this. "I just hope he gives me time". You could do so much better! The winery is a lie! Look at his hair. Come on. You're an angel!

Sort of hard to understand, but I think someone (maybe Samantha) calls Blakely a candy striping hooker. She says everyone hates her, and her face is horsey. Can't argue with that. But you may remember Samantha last week by her given name, Sam the Sash.

The last date, a one on one, is with Courtney the model. I actually thought he was just going to ignore her and assume she was advancing to the final two. I would've been fine with it. Why even waste anyone's time?

When the girl reads the date card that says Courtney's getting the last date, Courtney says "how'd that taste coming out of your mouth". Whoa! That's some hood shit right there, where's my half black girl at?

Kacie B without makeup and her hair undid is not a pretty sight.

Ben brings his dog Scotch along and takes Courtney to the woods to rape and murder her, I mean, have lunch. Ben says it "feels like a normal thing, hop in the car, go out, it feels like a Saturday". I don't think I've left the house on a Saturday in 6 months.

Courtney is trying a lot harder than she needs to. Ben calls her "the full package". I think he thinks she's a car.

Shark Tank commercial! January 20th.

This date is the perfect example of "when you go on a date with someone, you're not meeting them. You're meeting their representative". She's not being herself. She's being who she thinks Ben wants her to be. She keeps saying "tell me more about you..." and then trying to stay awake as he rambles on.

I hate her.

By the way, everyone on this show is pretending like they've known each other for months. People are saying things like "I'm seeing a whole other side to you". You just met! You know no other side. This is the only side you could possibly be aware of.

While giving her the rose, Ben notes that Courtney has trust issues. She also has mouth issues.

Cocktail party. Some of the girls didn't get a date at all, and they are nervous. One of them is first impression rose/rode in on a horse Lindzi. Not to be confused with horse face Blakely.

Lindzi brags about driving a truck and how normally "dirt is my makeup". Shut up. You need to try actual makeup.

Blakely has come out of nowhere tonight to steal the show. Everyone wants to murder her. Well, except for Courtney, who calmly sips her wine and drawls "it's like a war out there". Models don't give a shit.

Jenna, at long last, tries to make her mark on this episode. She gets alone time with him and drops her coat on a candle. Maybe she only shines at cocktail parties. Uh oh, she's starting to lose it. She says she's like a guy. And then stammers and stutters and blurts out "I'm not a girl!"

I don't know. She's barely functional. Another girl comes out, which normally is a bad thing, but I think she saved Jenna from further humiliation.

The ladies all start talking shit about Blakely, which causes her to crawl into the fetal position next to some luggage and cry. Ben magically happens upon her. It's awkward, and he quickly leaves...only to find Jenna lying on a bed crying! It's funny, this is probably what it's really like to date multiple women. Just different rooms of tears.

THE FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

JENNIFER - yes, thank you

EMILY - didn't speak this episode

ELYSE - did speak, but only to bash Blakely

JACLYN - I'll say it again, the most unattractive person ever to appear on the show (Vienna is second)

ERICA - a member of the anti-Blakely faction

RACHEL - she's 50 years old with bangs, and still a thousand times hotter than Jaclyn

LINDZI - she's fucking lame

NIKKI - what face will show up next week?

KACEY S - the all white Kacey

SAMANTHA - leader of the anti-Blakely faction

MONICA - leader of the I want to lick Blakely's VIP area faction

JAIMIE - I dig her look, but she's not getting a lot of attention thus far

BRITTANY - I really don't like her face, but she hasn't said much

So Jenna is gone, as expected. She was only around because of the producers, and then she didn't produce too many fireworks this episode so there was no point in her sticking around.

A blonde girl also got eliminated, but I have no idea who she was. But the fact that she got booted and Jaclyn is still here is a national travesty.

As she leaves, Jenna remains calm and poised and dignified, and actually seems kinda cool. Just kidding, she cries hysterically and says "are you kidding me?" over and over. She also thinks she deserves love and has "always been trying to find it".

Next week: they go to San Francisco, which Ben also calls his hometown. How can you run your made up winery from San Francisco? Also, Ben's mysterious ex girlfriend returns and the girls lose their minds. That should be good.

Goodnight.

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This is Great

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And the Best Picture Oscar Goes to Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol

Is this the worst year ever for "Oscar" movies? And by Oscar movies I mean the movies that are made to try and win Oscars and are released at the end of the year and send out screeners. Cause I've watched a bunch of them and they all suck.

Tonight I saw "Carnage". Sucked. Last night I watched "Tinker Tailer Soldier Spy". Sucked. "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close"? Extremely sucked and incredibly sucked. "War Horse"? I don't give a crap about a horse. "Tree of Life"...fuck you!

Maybe people weren't that far off when they were touting "Drive" as a Best Picture candidate. I didn't like it, but in comparison it's looking pretty good. Same goes for "Young Adult".

I'm seeing "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" tomorrow. I'm sure it will be fine, but it feels a bit anti-climactic since Sweden already made a pretty damn good movie out of it. "The Descendants" was okay at best. So what are we left with?

Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol.

Should it win Best Picture? No...not in a normal year. But this year it should be considered. It should definitely get Best Screenplay. Why? Because who could think of that shit?

I don't understand why people who write small, intimate character studies always win the awards. That just doesn't feel that hard to do. But a robot/computer that can simulate a hallway so Tom Cruise can sneak around behind it? Not too many people are coming up with that. That is creativity. That is good writing.

Of course, 20 different people probably rewrote it a thousand times, but still...

The only drawback I can think of in the movie is Michelle Monaghan's bangs. The one thing they don't fix with CGI! Huge mistake.

I was trying to think if there was anything else I loved. The past couple years, I had a dark horse candidate that I thought were perhaps the best films of the year that weren't considered for anything. Both happened to be Russell Crowe movies - State of Play and The Next 3 Days. But I think Russell sat out this year doing Weight Watchers, so I have to look elsewhere.

"Bridesmaids"? I guess that's up there for me. And "Crazy Stupid Love". But those are comedies, so they must be spat upon by the Academy.

It's gotten so bad that people are even starting to act like "Midnight in Paris" was a good movie. It sucked! Stop it with that lazy ass crap.

But then I remembered there was a beacon of light. A ray of hope that dazzled me at the theater this year, perhaps more than all others.

So without further ado, my 3rd annual/Russell Crowe dark horse, would be considered for Best Picture if it was released later in the year is...

Rise of the Planet of the Apes.

This was a pretty great movie. And I say that as a man who hates apes. And I'm not just referring to James Franco.

I don't know how they pulled it off, it should've been terrible. It had every right to be. And yet, with apes and James Franco's lack of any discernible talent holding it back, it was awesome. More people should be talking about it when it comes to awards. And also Ghost Protocol.

In any other year, there would be no way. But this year? It's hard to believe there are 5 other movies that are honestly better than those two.

Let's just hope the serious films can get their act together and not ruin our holidays next year.

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Ben the Bachelor No One Wanted, Ep 1

Before we begin, let me complain some more about the choice of Ben as the Bachelor:

The show is stuck in a horrible pattern. Every season they are feeding us these rejects. Look dummies, it's a given that the public will feel sympathy for the person who is dumped during the season before, but that does not mean we want them to be the next Bachelor. We feel bad, yes, but in our hearts we know that those people are damaged goods. The Bachelor should be a rock star. The type that men want to be and women want to be with!

The American people don't know what they want, and they definitely don't know what is good for them. Tell us who is awesome, and we'll probably follow. Create stars, don't recycle people who weren't good enough to be stars in the first place. This guy got rejected by Ashley! Do you understand...Ashley!

Okay, on with the show...

I'm already getting ready for scenes of Ben with his shirt off to try and convince us that he's appealing. Ben has moved back to San Francisco. Wait, what about "his" "winery"? Oh, he tells us he goes to Sonoma 4 or 5 days of the week building the winery. I have no idea what that means and I'm sure it's a lie. Pretty sure he works at Starbucks.

Look, there's Ben on a tractor. There's Ben carrying a 2x4. There's Ben standing on a porch. There's Ben walking through the winery. This all takes place with his shirt on, that probably means he doesn't have the goods underneath.

Ben: "I've never juggled 25 women". You haven't been with 25 women combined in your life, shut up. The only thing you're juggling are the lies about your winery business.

Wait, topless Ben on a kayak! Hard to tell, but the abs weren't encouraging. Let's just have it be Brad every season. His body never disappoints.

Because this is a 2 hour show, they fill time by pre-introducing us to a few of the girls before the official limo meet and greet. The only promising thing is how crazy they spell their names.

I love how they do these stereotypes for the professions - the nurse is in scrubs holding a baby, the blogger in New York is sipping wine outside while typing on her laptop, the business lady is staring at stock quotes and ordering someone to buy and sell, and of course the girl from Texas is riding a bull. All they are missing is the slut turning tricks at the Cat House.

Hard to listen to Ben without falling asleep, but what keeps me awake is staring at his nose and trying to understand how fucked up it is. Sometimes it looks normal, then he makes a face and suddenly he turns into a dragon.

Finally, it's limo time. Let's officially meet the gals...

RACHEL, 27. A blonde, milf type from New York. She has bangs, but they don't bother me as much as normal. But let's give it time. I should mention that she's taller than Ben.

ERIKA, 23. A law student, who looks good from afar but is far from good. She tells Ben he is guilty of being sexy. Leave it to a future lawyer to lie to his face.

AMBER B. 23. A nurse from Canada with giant boobs. She has too much personality for her own good. Settle down, this isn't SCTV (Canada jokes!).

ELYSE, 24. A dark haired personal trainer. She seems like a perfectly nondescript average girl. We might have a match.

JENNA, 27. The blogger/Carrie Bradshaw wannabe from New York. I don't know if she's really tan or part black. She embarrasses herself and misquotes Ben from last season. They make it seem as awkward as possible. Guess that's why she's a blogger.

You know you've picked the wrong Bachelor when the limos pull up and the girls scream in excitement and can only say words like "cute" and "adorable". You won't hear the word "hot" used in reference to Ben.

COURTNEY, 28. A model from Santa Monica. She's actually good looking enough to be a model. She's very comfortable with herself, which is nice to see. But she should be, she's pretty.

EMILY, 29. A PHD student with awful hair. I mean, awful. I didn't know they gave out PHD's in trailer parks.

SAMANTHA, 26. She's wearing a sash cause she was Miss Pacific Palisades. There's a chance she's just a psycho who got a sash printed up.

CASEY S, 26. She's taller than Ben too. Sort of pretty, probably the best blonde thus far.

AMBER T, 29. Hmmm, another 29 year old. What a shock.

HOLLY, 34. 34! I'm sure that's not gonna come up with the other girls at all. She's wearing a giant hat, not sure why. Maybe it's because she's bald from being so damn old.

JAMIE, 25. Another nurse. Her teeth are insane. Maybe Ashley did them for her.

SHIRA, NO AGE GIVEN?! That's not suspicious at all. Love it. She's an "actress". I'm frightened.

BLAKELY, 34. Her occupation: VIP Cocktail waitress from Charlotte. And did I mention she's 34? Wow. Someone is looking for a man to save her ass, I can't believe none of those VIPs in North Carolina she serves drinks to ever stole her heart.

It's bit time:

SHERYL, 72. The old lady on crutches who you've seen in the promos. Maybe she's there to make the two 34 year olds look a little less old. But it's not what you think, she introduces Ben to her granddaughter, who is:

BRITTNEY, 26. A slightly chubby blonde. What a hilarious gimmick, but I guess if you can get a commercial out of it, you do it. I'll tell you though, I'd respect Ben a lot more if he fucked granny.

NICKI, 26. A dental hygienist. Uh oh, I think we've had enough dental types on this show. She's cute, I guess. A case of the crazy eyes though. A bunch of these brunettes look alike, I can't tell them apart.

DIANNA, 30. She might have a bit of a weight problem, my sister is not going to be happy with me for saying that. "She's normal!"

JENNIFER, 28. An accountant. Also, a redhead. She's got nice eyes and a lame accountant gimmick of giving Ben a bunch of numbers. Just go inside, fire crotch.

LYNDSIE J, 29. A Brit with an even more fascinating nose than Ben's. She's out of control. Even her laugh has an accent.

ANNA, 25. Still a student. Very blonde. She thinks highly of herself, and out of all the gimmicks we've seen tonight, she somehow makes the funniest intro of them all. She walks up to Ben, slightly cocks her head, and whispers "Hi" in the funniest way. I might have to record that off my TV and post it cause you need to understand the greatness. Then she just walks right past him without saying anything else. Awesome.

MONICA, 33. Damn these are some old bitches! At least have respect for yourself and say you're 29. She's a dental consultant! Jesus, are the producers just calling Delta Dental and asking for lookers?

JACLYN, 27. She is not attractive and will go nowhere. Of course, that's what I said about Vienna.

SHAWN, 28. She has the boobs of a woman twice her age. She gives Ben a punch to the arm before she goes inside, very odd and funny.

KACIE B, 24. Okay, she's too skinny. This is a girl they showed earlier who loves Ben and wants to have 10 of his babies already.

LINDZI C, 26. She comes riding up on a horse for no reason, maybe it's because she spells her name that way and has to be lame at everything. She's cute, another brunette lookalike.

That's all the women. Alright, this has to be mentioned again: ALL WHITE GIRLS. What the hell? Ben is a racist! That is wrong. Come on, who doesn't like an Asian girl? You can't have one? Not cool, Bachelor. We need Kanye, Ben does not care about black people.

Ben goes inside to the cocktail party to talk with them and get entertained by the talent show we all know is coming. It only took 2 more seconds for me to hate that one girl's bangs. And I don't believe for a second that she's 27. However, she's good with Ben and she's definitely gonna move on.

Nicki is one of the lookalike brunettes who loves Ben way too much. She's divorced, but not bringing up now because she doesn't want him to think she's all used up, which of course, all divorcees are.

I desperately need some magazine or website to expose this wine lie for me. Why is everyone pretending like he's really doing this? I can't see too good, is that Frank Ford Coppola over here?

Ben has to play out this grandma bullshit and talk to her and her granddaughter, who I'm pretty sure has a chin implant, or is related to Jay Leno.

That Nicki chick is up in Ben's grill every second.

There's a girl with a tattoo on her arm with a heart and the key to her heart. I think I know a frog voiced gentleman who she should meet.

Dianna blindfolds Ben and feeds him candy and he has to guess what it is. With games like these, she could be a producer on The Bachelor Pad.

Bad hair Emily says "there's a gangsta side of me". No shit, Eminem. She takes Ben aside and does a rap for him, and it's as bad as you think it would be. But what are you gonna do, you only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow, this opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo.

The model furthers her cause, but she also furthers her cause to be the girl who isn't there to make friends. She tells us she's better than the others, but the problem is that she is right.

A porky blonde girl tells Jenna that she feels nothing for Ben. She's there to party. Her name is Monica. She doesn't like Ben, but she's fallen in love with Blakely. Maybe this will be a good season after all. Wait a minute...lesbian Bachelor?! Get on it, ABC.

That being said, Jenna is being a complete crazy person about it. She must hate lesbos. Maybe she's a Republican. She starts talking like Mary J. Blige, "I'm not gonna cry, I'm not gonna shed no tears".

Jenna and Monica try to bury the hatchet but they're speaking different girl languages. Jenna: "maybe we can share a tampon sometime". Monica: "That's not classy". Nothing makes sense.

Ben has literally not been on the screen for the last 12 minutes. What a great choice!

Jenna breaks her promise to Mary J. and tears up, Ben notices and asks "are you crying?". She accidentally quotes Mary again "I'm fine, fine, fine".

Ben gives all the girls a head fake by giving the first impression rose to the horse girl, concealing his true feelings for the model. That's strategy. You don't wanna be the asshole that loves the model. Girls are not fans of that.

Funny, Blakely the VIP cocktail waitress has the worst Fire Marshall Bill teeth ever, and her lesbian lover Monica works in the dental field.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

JAMIE - the nurse with white teeth, kept her head down enough to get a rose

RACHEL - the bangs, but an early frontrunner, is secretly 40 years old

BLAKELY - let me show ya somethin!

EMILY - the gangsta rapper, congrats B Rabbit

KACEY B - she's gonna be the crazy person when we move to week 2, I feel it

KACEY S - barely spoke, she's a dark horse though

BRITTANY - Grandma comes through

ERICA - a bland brunette

SHAWN - she's gonna be in the friend zone

NICKI - another candidate for crazy status

JENNIFER - the red head, didn't say a word at the cocktail party, I'm a fan

ELYSE - brunette squad strikes again

SAMANTHA - they call her "sam the sash". Bad pick.

COURTNEY - the model, duh

JACLYN - possibly the most unattractive girl ever to appear on the show, this is an outrage

MONICA - her girlfriend is going to be so happy

JENNA - NOOOOOOO!!!

Terrible pick. Oh my God. That's the producer's call, such bullshit. He wanted nothing to do with her, but she's there for the drama. That sucks because there's a couple of girls I wanted to stay. Damn politics.

This season on the Bachelor...

Ben bores the pants off of everybody, so the producers are forced to inject drama via an ex girlfriend. Yay.

I look forward to taking this journey with all of you. Goodnight.

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