Ben the Bachelor No One Wanted, Ep 2

Ben says he is "flying the girls up" to Sonoma, so they can understand a big part of his life. Maybe before you do that, you should talk to them once or twice, have a dinner or something. Oh, the producers are trying to spice this turd up? Got ya.

To understand Ben's life, the ladies are staying in a giant house with a pool instead of Ben's studio apartment.

The first date is a one on one with Kacey B. She's already thinking of their wedding day. Hold on, lady, you're not even his favorite Kacey.

There's wild speculation in the Handleman household that Kacey B. might be half black. That is unconfirmed, but if I can get a better look at her ass the rumor might pick up steam.

By the way, this could make for the greatest Bachelor finale of all time. She makes it to the final two and then Ben finds out she's half black, he cries uncontrollably on a balcony overlooking the ocean, and then proposes to the girl with pure Aryan blood.

It's not that Ben is bad, it's that he's nothing. If I wanted to watch average nobodies fall in love I'd have friends.

Ben gives barely white Kacey the rose, and then they go to a theater and watch old videos of Kacey. I have to assume she knew this was coming unless ABC somehow broke into her parent's closet. Then they show home movies of Ben as a kid. We get a look at his dead dad. Ben cries. Okay guys, now that you're all depressed, it's time for you to fuck!

Kacey seems like a nice gal, I have no objections to her. But I think they're setting us up for "our first date was amazing and I thought you were the one, but now after these group dates I don't feel special anymore and I don't know what to believe". I've seen it a thousand times.

Group date. 12 women. That's about 6 too many. Blakely's fake boobs (didn't notice those before) are successfully distracting me from her crazy Fire Marshall Bill teeth.

They are going to have to perform a play. First, they have to audition for a bunch of kids. The women seem horrified by this. There's a creepy Asian girl who is ordering them around. Ben must hate her cause she's Asian. And also because she's a girl with self esteem.

A little dude asks Blakely to jog in slow motion, which is awesome because of her tits. Next they should ask her to chew in slow motion.

I should note that psycho ass Jenna is on this date. I should also note that she's probably the prettiest psycho the show has ever produced. It makes her nuttery all the more entertaining.

The play is a fairy tale about Ben as the prince who as everything except for a princess. It's worse than that sounds. I feel bad for the girls. I think that one ugly blonde girl (Jaclyn) is playing the part of Shrek.

Ben says the play is something that "Sonoma won't forget for awhile". Not a lot going on in that town. I think the last noteworthy thing that happened in Sonoma was when Detective Linden finally moved there after solving the Rosie Larsen case.

Blakely and Monica are on this date together but they've seemed to drop the lesbian lover routine. Very disappointing. Oh, I almost forgot, big shout out to the commenter who informed us that Blakely actually works at Hooters. That's awesome, "VIP cocktail waitress". Ha. Get me my chicken wings, bitch.

Nicki is the two face of the group. I'm so confused, sometimes she's cute, sometimes she's not. I can't keep track. Whoa, she's ugly again...

Jennifer, the red head who I loved last week, gets some alone time. Ben sneak attacks her with a smooch. I don't like the way she kisses, she's a pecker. He might be awful too. I swear, 25 seasons and they haven't found a solid kisser yet.

Then Blakely gets Ben in the pool and sneak attacks him with a kiss. Return fire! Unfortunately, Jennifer sees this and doesn't know what to believe. Believe that this is the Bachelor, and you're on a date with 11 other sluts.

In a minor upset, Ben gives the rose to Blakely. Never underestimate surgically enhanced breasts and the manipulative skills of a Hooters waitress. That food ain't that good.

Jennifer cries over this. "I just hope he gives me time". You could do so much better! The winery is a lie! Look at his hair. Come on. You're an angel!

Sort of hard to understand, but I think someone (maybe Samantha) calls Blakely a candy striping hooker. She says everyone hates her, and her face is horsey. Can't argue with that. But you may remember Samantha last week by her given name, Sam the Sash.

The last date, a one on one, is with Courtney the model. I actually thought he was just going to ignore her and assume she was advancing to the final two. I would've been fine with it. Why even waste anyone's time?

When the girl reads the date card that says Courtney's getting the last date, Courtney says "how'd that taste coming out of your mouth". Whoa! That's some hood shit right there, where's my half black girl at?

Kacie B without makeup and her hair undid is not a pretty sight.

Ben brings his dog Scotch along and takes Courtney to the woods to rape and murder her, I mean, have lunch. Ben says it "feels like a normal thing, hop in the car, go out, it feels like a Saturday". I don't think I've left the house on a Saturday in 6 months.

Courtney is trying a lot harder than she needs to. Ben calls her "the full package". I think he thinks she's a car.

Shark Tank commercial! January 20th.

This date is the perfect example of "when you go on a date with someone, you're not meeting them. You're meeting their representative". She's not being herself. She's being who she thinks Ben wants her to be. She keeps saying "tell me more about you..." and then trying to stay awake as he rambles on.

I hate her.

By the way, everyone on this show is pretending like they've known each other for months. People are saying things like "I'm seeing a whole other side to you". You just met! You know no other side. This is the only side you could possibly be aware of.

While giving her the rose, Ben notes that Courtney has trust issues. She also has mouth issues.

Cocktail party. Some of the girls didn't get a date at all, and they are nervous. One of them is first impression rose/rode in on a horse Lindzi. Not to be confused with horse face Blakely.

Lindzi brags about driving a truck and how normally "dirt is my makeup". Shut up. You need to try actual makeup.

Blakely has come out of nowhere tonight to steal the show. Everyone wants to murder her. Well, except for Courtney, who calmly sips her wine and drawls "it's like a war out there". Models don't give a shit.

Jenna, at long last, tries to make her mark on this episode. She gets alone time with him and drops her coat on a candle. Maybe she only shines at cocktail parties. Uh oh, she's starting to lose it. She says she's like a guy. And then stammers and stutters and blurts out "I'm not a girl!"

I don't know. She's barely functional. Another girl comes out, which normally is a bad thing, but I think she saved Jenna from further humiliation.

The ladies all start talking shit about Blakely, which causes her to crawl into the fetal position next to some luggage and cry. Ben magically happens upon her. It's awkward, and he quickly leaves...only to find Jenna lying on a bed crying! It's funny, this is probably what it's really like to date multiple women. Just different rooms of tears.

THE FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

JENNIFER - yes, thank you

EMILY - didn't speak this episode

ELYSE - did speak, but only to bash Blakely

JACLYN - I'll say it again, the most unattractive person ever to appear on the show (Vienna is second)

ERICA - a member of the anti-Blakely faction

RACHEL - she's 50 years old with bangs, and still a thousand times hotter than Jaclyn

LINDZI - she's fucking lame

NIKKI - what face will show up next week?

KACEY S - the all white Kacey

SAMANTHA - leader of the anti-Blakely faction

MONICA - leader of the I want to lick Blakely's VIP area faction

JAIMIE - I dig her look, but she's not getting a lot of attention thus far

BRITTANY - I really don't like her face, but she hasn't said much

So Jenna is gone, as expected. She was only around because of the producers, and then she didn't produce too many fireworks this episode so there was no point in her sticking around.

A blonde girl also got eliminated, but I have no idea who she was. But the fact that she got booted and Jaclyn is still here is a national travesty.

As she leaves, Jenna remains calm and poised and dignified, and actually seems kinda cool. Just kidding, she cries hysterically and says "are you kidding me?" over and over. She also thinks she deserves love and has "always been trying to find it".

Next week: they go to San Francisco, which Ben also calls his hometown. How can you run your made up winery from San Francisco? Also, Ben's mysterious ex girlfriend returns and the girls lose their minds. That should be good.

Goodnight.