Bachelor Pad: Episode 2

Last week, crazy ass Michelle and heartless Juan were eliminated. This week, Dale Earnhardt Jr. realizes he had a horrible strategy and now Non Blonde Elizabeth has him by the balls. Can he untangle his balls?

Natalie and Jesse have a heavy makeout session. Natalie acts like she's in love. They probably should bang just for the good looking kids they'd make. The world needs more dumb, good looking people. If nothing else to populate all the reality shows.

All right, let's sort this mess out really quick. Apparently, the girls are in 2 factions. The outside girls are: Peyton, Gia, Krisily, Gwen, and Nikki. They don't go on the reunion cruises, etc., and don't seem to have prior relationships with people.

Pie eating contest. And no, I'm not referring to what the guys are trying to have with Natalie.

Krisily tells Chris that she doesn't want to cry, even though she is, but she had her gall bladder removed so she can't do the competition. Hey, Frog Voice had his hearing removed, that didn't stop him from singing.

The girls remove their shirts for some reason. Holy crap, that butter face girl (Jesse) has a great body. Well, at least she paid to make it great.

I hate pie eating contests. I hate all food related contests. It's gross. Elizabeth throws up in her hands and then tries to dump the remnants in a trash can. That's good manners.

It comes down to Gia and Tenley. Something tells me Gia has more experience going down on things with no hands. And she wins!

The guys turn. Craig the Hair guy dumps his hair into the pie first. He explains: "my hair is a multi-purpose tool. It looks good, the ladies love it, and it can suck up some pie". You can't argue with that, except for the looking good and the ladies loving it part. So I guess the suck up some pie thing is what you can't argue with.

But then, with all these big guys, the Weatherman takes the lead. And Harrison beats me to the line: "the Weatherman is forecasting a victory". And the Weatherman wins! You know what that means? He'll be going on his first date in many a solstice.

Here's some more info on cliques. The "inside girls" aka "the cool kids" have certain boys that they are protecting. They are: Kovacs (Non blonde's pretend boyfriend), Kiptyn, and David. Um, why would anyone like David? Everyone remembers Crazy Hair Craig being a dick, but David was just as bad on his season.

For his date, the Weatherman chooses: Ashley (bug eyes), Peyton, and Gwen (again!).

Kovacs actually says: "I think the Weatherman is more of a threat than I thought". No, he's less.

Ashley could almost be pretty...but she's not. The date involves body paint. It might just be another excuse to get the Weatherman back in a speedo. I think I can see the outline of his Doppler 5000.

The Weatherman is all about strategy. He thinks he's successfully "flipped" Ashley and Payton to the "outsiders" side. He calls himself the puppet master. Oh Lord. BUT, he doesn't want to attempt this with Gwen because she's "the kind of girl you can get romantic with". You mean she's easy?

What the hell is going on? Gwen? Really? I guess he figures she's the only one he could possibly have a shot with. If you want the tornado to come, might as well hang out in tornado alley, am I right?

Gwen gets the rose. She interviews to us: "A lot of people in the house think that the Weatherman likes me...but that's not gonna happen, not in a million years". So you're saying there's a chance!!! Well, I guess she's not saying that, at all.

Weatherman and Gia meet up to discuss more strategy. In a tragic twist, Gia has figured out that the guy who needs to get a rose is...Crazy Hair Craig, his arch enemy! That's a cloudy situation, if you know what I mean.

For her date, Gia picks Craig, Wes, and Handsome Jesse. Gia tells Craig he's choosing him and they want him to be a part of their "crew". How in the hell is Gia the mastermind in this whole game? The uglier people should be ashamed of themselves.

Handsome Jesse is very handsome, but he looks like he's been hit with a brick. You can see the dumb on his face.

Elizabeth claims that she's a "dumb smart girl". It must have been the dumb half that picked the new hair color. I'm not sure which half bangs Kovacs in the shower, but it was one of them.

Wes gets Gia alone and tells her she's the greatest and that he's in love with her. Sorry, southern accents, you're often confused with retarded. Gia likes Wes and he's totally different than she thought. Hey dummy, that's how assholes operate. They charm your pants off and then screw you over. Hence the term, asshole.

(AUTHOR'S NOTE: I've eaten 5 peaches today)

Somehow, Wes completely tricked Gia, and she goes back on her word and gives him the rose instead of Craig. Stupid! She just blew their whole strategy. So much for Gia being the mastermind.

Girl Jesse flatly states that the reason she likes this game is because she can whore herself out to stay on. She says it so I don't have to. To prove it, she kisses gross David.

Side note: I'm so confused: how is the new Jen Aniston movie different from that J.Lo movie? Also, weren't we done with artificial insemination story lines in the late '90's?

Handsome Jesse asks Natalie how big of a slut she's been. She says at one point she liked Kovacs. He doesn't care, he's done with her ass.

At least with Natalie, Jesse is here "just to be friends". Now he's turning his sights on Gia. Not smart. But as they say, the grass is always Gia.

Before the voting starts, Chris - in a terrible shirt/polka dot tie combo - opens up a little dialogue. Elizabeth says her relationship with Kovacs is like Kiptyn and Tenley's. Tenley responds, "it's different physically", and then starts crying like a God Damn 5 year old. And I laugh my head off.

What a baby. Has she hit puberty yet? Jesus. Just think, someone married her. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say the guy was justified in cheating on her. But then, he's also not because he married her in the first place.

The Outsiders want Kiptyn gone. He tries to flip Nikki, and she starts crying because it's "so hard". Has she read a newspaper lately? Cause I don't think Bachelor Pad is up high on the "so hard" list.

It's never explained, but Natalie is wearing a fucking tutu.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

CRAZY HAIR CRAIG is gone. Brutal!

GIRL JESSE is gone.

This doesn't make sense. Craig is from the outsiders, Jesse is from the insiders. If one side has the majority, they should get their way on both.

Well, Nikki got "flipped" by Kiptyn's charms. His ears hypnotize women.

I'm sad to see Craig go. He's pure entertainment. I will also miss Jesse's body.

Next week: Natalie says she'll kiss everyone in the house for $20 dollars, and Gia calls Wes the modern day Shakespeare. You cannot make these things up.