Bachelor Pad: Episode 5

Happy Labor Day. For the record, this will be the only labor I do today...

Old ass Gwen feels like her days are numbered, because everyone else is coupled up. And cause she's old. Not sure how everyone is a couple though, since there are 7 girls and 4 guys left. And just as I type this, Chris comes out and announces that "the numbers will be evened up. 3 ladies will be leaving this morning".

Yikes. Closeup of Elizabeth on my HDTV is not good. She's got Lindsay Lohan's skin, and future job prospects.

Chris announces the "game" that will be played to eliminate the girls. And it's...spin the bottle! Oh, that old elimination game. And I thought it was just for making out.

The guys stand around a table with a bottle on it. They spin the bottle and whoever it lands on, he gets to go pick a girl and she stays. The girls who don't get picked have to leave.

It's time to spin the bottle, only the bottle doesn't spin, instead they have a Lazy Susan! This is a big budget network show, people.

It lands on Kiptyn. He picks Tenley, of course, saving us from her water works for now. Kovacs gets chosen, and he selects Ugly Lohan. Though he does interview to us that she is "unstable". To say the least.

Note: Kiptyn and Kovacs each pretended for a second like they weren't going to pick their girlfriends. It was really, really suspenseful.

Handsome Jesse goes next. This is an actual toss up, although we have to assume it's Payton. And it is.

Wait. What in the hell was the point of spinning the bottle, er, Lazy Susan? Just to choose the order? That was insane. I guess every game has to have some element of whoredom attached to it.

Dave is last. He picks Natalie - speaking of whoredom. That means Gwen is gone, as is Crazy Eyes, and Nikki. So in the end, it was actually important to be a couple. Just like the real world, if you're single, you have no reason to live.

As the losers depart, Elizabeth says "I could be like Gwen, in my 40's, still looking for love". Wait, you're not?

The couples try to guess what "game" is next. They theorize it might involve knowing things about your partner. Kovacs goes through Elizabeth's entire life. He knows everything. He says "my mind is a steel trap". So is Elizabeth, and you can't get out.

Elizabeth doesn't know anything about him. Not because he hasn't told her, but because she's a moron.

Kiptyn and Tenley make out, and Tenley is so excited that they can "freely be with each other". Last week, I speculated as to what they would name their kid. I wrote: "What would Kiptyn and Tenley name their kid? Tentyn? Kipten?" Well, Tenley announces that together they are "Kip-Ten". I kinda called their lameness.

In other couple's news, Payton officially hates Handsome Jesse's guts.

The next competition is...the water balloon toss. What is this, summer camp pad? I can't believe this is on real TV. Next week they're gonna compete to see who can best roast a marshmallow.

Payton drops the first balloon. Then the second (you get 3 for some reason). And the third. Her and Jesse are out. Payton sits down and goes all Tenley with it.

Team Kip-Ten breaks 3 in a row. Melissa totally steals Harrison's thunder by announcing "Kiptyn, Tenley, this is your last balloon".

Ugly Lohan lets 3 splash. Natalie catches one from Dave, and they win. They're safe from elimination. In a related story, Dave has a really good body. His shoulders are insane. They're huge. I'm talking Chelsea Handler huge.

Dave and Natalie now get to go on a date. Boring. The problem with this show is that there are no cross hook ups. All of these people are couples now, and there's nothing worse than a reality show with people who are in monogamous relationships. I don't want to watch Dave and Natalie have boring, relationship sex.

"If a girl catches a bad case of the Kovacs, so be it". And if you catch a bad case of Elizabeth's herpes, so be it. She's old, it'll probably be the clap.

Dave and Natalie's date involves driving a yellow lamborghini. The other people act like this is the greatest thing ever. When Elizabeth was 30 years old back in 1987, this was her idea of cool.

They go to a cliff overlooking the ocean. Natalie thinks it would be a good idea to pose Tawny Kitaen style on top of the lambo. Oh, sluts. I seriously expect Samantha Fox to come out and start singing.

Oh boy. Instead of a wild night, Craig gives us and Natalie his sob story of growing up in a broken home. Look at the bright side, it has got you here. If your parents had stayed married, you'd probably just be some shlub with a good job and great family and a cool life.

Natalie says that she and Dave connected on a deeper level than she ever imagined. That's her way of saying that he has long penis.

Elizabeth convinces Kovacs to go the fantasy suite with her. Of course, before they can have sex, she complains that she wants "romance" and not just "railing". Instead, he just starts kissing her and the railing commences.

Afterward, Elizabeth complains "I feel like a stupid girl. I don't see you going out of your way to do romantic things with me". Jesse replies "what did we just do?" And she goes "you got laid". Oh my God, fuck you, bitch. He got laid? What about you? Weren't you in that bed when the laying happened? Oh, I hate her so much. She is the absolute worst human being. But at least she is going to die alone.

There's lots of strategerizing. Which we know at this point not to listen to. No one has voted how they've told us they were. Payton and Jesse try to convince people to vote off Kovacs and Lohan, because they are "the biggest threat". All reality shows are the same.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

Chris announces that they will be voting individually and not as couples, which shocks everyone. I'm not sure why since there was no reason to believe any different. No one ever said they were voting as couples.

And the couple eliminated is...Jesse and Payton. You know what that means - Tenley cries. Then she suggests a pajama party! I wish this could be less predictable.

Time to go back to work...