The Characters in the Writer's Room

Right after college, I moved out to Los Angeles. I had 6 months until film school started, so my plan was to get as many internships as I could, and I got 3. One was on Mondays and Wednesdays, and another was on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

My cousin was a Production Assistant on "Dharma and Greg" (yes, I'm aware of how old I am), and he got me an internship there for Fridays.

This is when I first heard the legend of "the writer's room".

The way my cousin would talk about the writer's room at "Dharma and Greg" gave it a very cool mystique. He probably felt that way because they wouldn't let him in there. He just wanted to be close to the writing process (as most PA's do), but Chuck Lorre is a huge dick and wouldn't let him.

SIDE NOTE: My first day interning there, I was sitting in the kitchen. Chuck Lorre comes walking by, talking to three different people. They're having this whole conversation, and Chuck stops in the middle of it, looks at me for a split second, then looks back to them, and goes: "Who the fuck is this guy?!"

For the record, I didn't know who the fuck Chuck Lorre was either, but let's move on...

So anyway, this writer's room seemed like the place to be. But it was so far away from my situation that I didn't really think of it. And I haven't really thought of it since, probably because I was very lucky in getting a job where I was just in there, working. I never had that job as a PA on a sitcom, hoping for a chance to be let in.

But I imagine when you're not in there, it seems like a big deal.

It's an interesting place because when it comes down to it, there is something very awkward about a group of people tossing out jokes that 90% of the time are bad, and other people have to tell that person that they are bad. It's uncomfortable.

Every room has their own way of dealing with shitty jokes. Usually there's someone who is blunt and will say something like "wow, that was awful" and everyone laughs and it's fine. Or the offending party, responding to the lack of laughs, will say something self deprecating that is funny, and the search for the right joke continues.

People say to me "you're job must be so much fun, you just sit in a room all day and tell jokes and laugh!" I guess there is some of that, but there are also a lot of unfunny things going on. It's a job like anything else, but occasionally I have to see people get murdered on the internet and make fun of them.

I've been in writer's rooms for many different shows, and there are always certain "types" of people in there. Not everyone fits perfectly into these types, many are a combination of some or all.

Let's go through them:


THE SILENT BUT DEADLY

The silent but deadly writer is the one who doesn't talk that much, but when they do, it's usually gold. You start wondering if that person is ever going to contribute, and then they finally speak up and have the funniest line of the day that makes the room crack up.

This is a good thing, but it's also a bad thing. Because sometimes a healthy part of the process is just talking things out, or saying a completely bad idea that other people in the room can turn into a good idea. Talking things out is important, and the quiet person can lead to nothing happening.

However, I'd rather have no talking than...


THE REPITCHER

This is the person who thinks every idea they have is gold, and no matter how many times it gets rejected, they keep pitching it thinking that this time will be the time we all think it's genius. It never is.

There is a certain amount of repitching that needs to happen - sometimes a good idea was forgotten about and needs to be brought up again, or something in the news comes up that makes an old idea relevant again.

But for the most part, repitching is annoying and it needs to stop.


THE RACIST

Every good comedy show needs a good racist. Well, not an actual racist. But I think everywhere I've worked there's been a person who loved pushing the envelope on racial humor. And you need that. Because people love racist jokes.

For the record, the only writers I've worked with who were real racists were Mexicans. Dirty, dirty Mexicans.


THE NON-COMEDY NIT PICKER

This is the person who only has negative things to say, usually about everything other than the jokes, and offers no solutions. Don't tell me what's wrong if you don't have the fix. Otherwise, you're just creating problems for the rest of us.

Often their "notes" have to do with grammar and other non comedy related bullshit. The object is to make things funnier, not worry about ending sentences with a prepositional phrase.

There is something valuable to making sure we don't come across stupid, and you have to correct mistakes, but that shouldn't be ALL you do. So if you're fixing punctuation, you also better be coming with strong jokes.


THE FILTHY FEMALE CHAUVINIST

You know that joke that was really misogynist or the one that included the words "smelly pussy"? Yeah, a girl wrote that.


THE JOKE MACHINE

There are mutants in this world who I like to call joke machines. They can spit out jokes relentlessly and endlessly. It's an amazing skill, and not that many people have it. And it's great to have one on every show. More than one? No, one is more than enough. Because you know what? Sometimes it's enough with all the jokes.

It's like they were born without a soul or something. They can just pitch, and no matter how many times they are rejected, they will keep pitching and never stop. In theory, this is how all comedy writers are supposed to be. Unfortunately, most of us were born with hearts.

The downside is that there is a point where the jokes need to stop and we need to have things make sense. Also, their pitches can lend themselves to being impossible to do production wise. "What if Tom Cruise lands in a spaceship and says watchya talkin' Willis?" Well yeah, that would be funny, but I don't think we're gonna be able to get a space ship much less Todd Bridges.


THE WRITER'S ASSISTANT WHO THINKS HE SHOULD BE A WRITER AND DOESN'T UNDERSTAND WHY HE'S NOT BUT CONFIRMS WHY HE ISN'T EVERY TIME HE OPENS HIS MOUTH

I think this is pretty self explanatory, but there's always a writer's assistant in the room taking notes. They are allowed to occasionally pitch something. But they should be like the silent but deadly writer - only talk when you have something you know is great.


THE CERTIFIED LOON

Every writer has doubts about his or her ability. Sometimes you wonder if you belong. Are you really that funny? But then you look around at the others and realize that you do belong and you are funny. And then you meet him (or her):

The certified loon.

The writer who makes you realize you are not funny at all, and there is a completely different level that you are not on.

The loon is a psychopath of comedy. They are not normal. Everything they do and say is hilarious. Every idea they have is better than any idea you have. If you're lucky enough to work with one, don't feel bad about yourself, just sit back and enjoy.

However, mere mortals do have certain advantages over the loon. Loons are not organized, they do not show up on time, they don't know how to talk to the talent without freaking them out, they don't know how to produce things, and they don't bathe properly.

For example, I worked with one once. And the show made the mistake of making him the head writer. Well, he was certainly funny enough to be the head writer, but he could not run a show. He could not be in charge. To even put him in charge would be a waste of his powers. You don't want the loon haing non-joke responsibilities, you just want him writing jokes.

They come in and hit homeruns for your show, and you do everything else.


THE DECISION MAKER

Every room has to have a person who makes the final decisions. All of the writers will pitch jokes, and everyone will have an opinion about which line works best. Sometimes there is a consensus, but many other times, multiple lines will be as good as others, and someone just has to pick one. That's where the decision maker comes in.

On some shows, it's the head writer. On others, it's the host/star. But hopefully that person knows what they are doing, and has the respect of the room. Otherwise, you're probably working on Chelsea Handler.