About a month went by, and then my agent, Blumberg, got me a meeting for a new show on Comedy Central. Immediate dividends! Maybe this agent thing really does help.
I went to meet with the Executive Producer of the show - who is sort of a legend in show business - and he had no idea that I was coming or who I was. Sweet. Then we started talking about the show, and as we're talking his phone rings and he picks up!
So I sit there as he's yapping away on the phone, and finally he hangs up and we continue. Then the phone rings again, same thing. He was barely paying attention to me. My prospects were not looking too hot.
But at the end, he said "Look kid, I don't know you. You seem like a nice guy, but who knows? Write up a packet for this show, if it's any good, maybe we'll do something".
Wise words. It was then that I realized that while this was my first meeting ever, this guy had probably sat in a room and met about a thousand wannabe douchebags exactly like me. He probably forgot who I was before I left his office. But at least I had a chance, I just needed to hit a homerun with that packet.
It was a sketch show starring a latino comic I had barely heard of, Carlos Mencia. I went to Tower Records (Tower Records! I'm so old) and bought one of his comedy albums, sat on my bed, and listened to it.
Now, I had a dilemma. I'm about as white as you can be. There was not a single latino in my high school. And though I had been to Mexico a few times and enjoyed the movie "Stand and Deliver", how was I supposed to write for this guy? But that wasn't the real dilemma, it was this:
How do I write ideas for him that don't seem like I'm a racist?
I plowed ahead anyway, here are some ideas that were in the packet:
"Desperate Gardeners"Yeah, you get the idea.
Desperate Housewives is a huge show right now, and one of the most talked about story lines is the affair one housewife has with her gardener. Carlos goes to some big houses in Beverly Hills and talks to some real gardeners. He gets the dirt about their steamy affairs with desperate housewives.
"Racial Slur-tionary"
There's a dictionary with a very thorough list of racial slurs (http://gyral.blackshell.com/names.html). It is so thorough in fact, that I'd bet many people would not even recognize a large portion of the "slurstionary". So is it offensive if no one knows what it means? Carlos goes to different ethnic neighborhoods and asks the locals if they can figure out what slurs like "Buckethead" or "Bruised Banana" mean. Before Carlos reveals what the word actually means, the people from the neighborhood put their own spin on why they think a certain word would be an insult to a particular race. This could also be done with people in the audience. (incidentally, according to the slurtionary, a buckethead is a Korean, and a Bruised Banana is an asian who acts black).
"Mexican or Arab?"
Carlos goes to the street with pictures of the Mexican National Soccer team and the hijackers from 9/11. He holds them up to random people on the street and they have to guess: Mexican soccer player or Arab terrorist?
"Karaoke Next to a Black Guy"
Carlos tells the audience it's time for karaoke, and pulls a white guy and a black guy from the audience. He makes the white guy rap a song that features the repeated use of the N word. If he doesn't say the N word, Carlos calls him out for being a pussy. If he does say it, Carlos respects him, but says that he's a racist.
I showed some of my friends this and asked if I would be accused of racism, and they said yes, but this is what you have to do. So I turned it in, got a second meeting with Carlos, then a third meeting with the Head Writer, and then I got the job. Incidentally, we actually shot that "Desperate Gardeners" idea in season 1.
So I have to give Blumberg credit - he made this happen. He got me the meeting. There's no job if it wasn't for him. But here's the amazing part:
He never got me a meeting for a job ever again.
Ever. That was his one! I guess that was enough for him, because he proceeded to take the next 3 years off. It's so funny, because after that first meeting, I was like, this is great! Agents really do make a difference! And then it was over.
As time went by, I started hearing stories about Blumberg. Other writers weren't happy. Others had already fired him.
But Blumberg had got me a job, a job that lasted and paid well. I stood by my man. The problem was that Blumberg was just a TV guy, and no one was representing me in features. And yet, I had a produced feature about to be released on 3,000 screens.
It was the weirdest thing, it was like Blumberg didn't believe that I had written this movie. Finally, I got on the phone with him and got pissed. I remember the conversation well, it was basically "why don't I have a feature agent when I have a feature coming out? How many feature writers do you have over there who even have a produced credit?"
I'm not even sure why it was an argument, aren't agents supposed to work FOR you? Well, I got my feature agent. We had an introductory drinks meeting. And guess what? She was just as good at kissing ass as Blumberg.
But this time I was ready for it.
I wasn't a young amateur anymore. I knew what was coming. And I did something that I still enjoy thinking about to this day.
She was in the middle of kissing my ass, when she does the classic agent line:
"If you have a feature idea, I can get you in a room with Will Ferrell"
ME: "Really?"
HER: "Yep"
ME: "So if I have a great feature idea, I could pitch it to Will Ferrell?"
HER: "Totally!"
ME: "Well, that's great, cause it just so happens I have a great feature idea that would be perfect for Will".
HER (WORRIED): "You do? What is it?"
ME: "It's called 'Part Time'. It's about identical twins who share a life. One has a wife and a boring job, and the other just parties all the time. But on the 1st of every month, they switch places and the partying one has to go to work and deal with the wife, while the other gets a nice vacation".
HER: "Uh...well...I don't know. I'm not sure about...maybe flesh it out more...and then we can see..."
Yeah, agents are dickheads.
So what happened? She did nothing for me, and I swear to God, about 6 months later:
New Line Cinema has bought the feature pitch "Sprung". The story revolves around identical twin brothers -- one a straight-laced family man whose wife and kids walk all over him, the other a hardened criminal in prison for armed robbery -- who switch places during visiting hours. Mike Karz is producing the project, which is being overseen by Kathy Busby and Sam Brown at New Line."I emailed her this news, and wrote: "guess my twins idea wasn't so bad after all".
We never spoke again.
Time was going by, and I couldn't get another job. Production on Mencia lasted about 20 weeks, so the rest of the year I wasn't working. I was getting more and more frustrated. And then the bottom fell out...
I sent him 2 TV scripts, and he never responded to them. Like, didn't say anything, just pretended that they didn't exist. And then he gave me the wrong submission date for a packet for another show, so I missed it. When I called him about it, he didn't call me back.
That was enough. I told him he was fired. He tried to "win" me back, but it was over. I was without an agent, and happy about it. At least, for the time being...
About a year later, I was writing for an awards show. During the taping, I saw one of the writers looking at me and talking to someone, clearly they were saying something about me. Finally, she half runs over to me, very excited.
HER: "Your agent was Blumberg?"
ME: "Yes"
HER" "And you fired him?"
ME: "Yep"
HER: "Oh my God! You have to tell me how you did it! He's the worst! I'm so nervous to do it, but I can't take it anymore. I know three other people who have fired him!"
That is Blumberg. To this day I still hear stories about him. It's amazing how many people have fired him, and it's even more amazing that he still has a job.
Sorry, really wanted to do the whole thing in this post, but it got too long. Next time: I get a manager, and another agent, and then the manager treats me worse than Blumberg.
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