Bachelor Brad, Take 2, Ep 9. Fantasy Sex

I had a very bad day today. Let's just say, Team Handleman is up to its old tricks. But I'm going to persevere with this recap...

New York. Brad packs. He says he has no clue what he's doing right now. I just assumed that's how he went through life. Call the therapist! This is when you need him most.

He flies to South Africa, and while on the plane he looks out the window and contemplates his lot in life. I prefer to think he's day dreaming about Chantal, the slightly less fat days. Those were good days.

Brad says he hopes South Africa will give him the clarity he needs. That's what South Africa is known for: clarity when choosing between 3 women, and also horrible, horrible racism.

He settles in at his ridiculous resort, which seems to be located in a game reserve. There's monkeys, rhinos, a hippopotamus...wait, no, that's Chantal.

It's funny, whenever I talk about this show with people, the Chantal/fat issue is the first thing that gets brought up. Usually my sister is the most sensitive about calling girls fat. She'll be like, "that's healthy!" Or "that's what I look like!". But even she isn't defending Chantal.

The first date is with her. They go on a--wait, try to guess what their date is. I'll give you a hint, they're in Africa. Yes, it's a safari. They immediately drive up on a bunch of lions. Brad and Chantal seem perfectly comfortable with this, even though their tour guides look like they could do nothing to defend themselves. "Sure, there's 6 full grown lions 10 feet from us, but I'm sure these 2 little black guys know what they're doing".

It should be noted that Brad is wearing one of those dumb safari hats.

Brad says "this date is very fun, but it's also dangerous. I think a lot of relationships need to go through a test of some sort - whether it be fear, danger, whatever".

Uh, what?! Yeah, you can't have a real romance unless you almost get eaten by a lion or get into a hostage situation together. It is what saved John McClane's marriage in Die Hard.

Chantal says that "after tonight, I'll be able to prove I'm in love with him". You know what that means: anal.

Chantal says she's ready to marry Brad right now. Let's take a step back: she's known him for 3 weeks, tops. She's been married before. These are warning signs. Also a warning sign: she just asked for another helping of prime rib.

I hate how the Bachelors always say the fantasy suite card is "from Chris". That's always emphasized. Like they're just hookers and Chris is the pimp.

Holy shit! The fantasy suite has done the impossible! It has made Chantal say "I think I don't want anymore dinner". He needs to get a contractor to put a fantasy suite in his tiny downtown Austin loft.

And it turns out the fantasy suite is actually a tree house in the middle of the jungle, the mighty jungle. No thanks. I guess this is that fear test that Brad needs. He's gonna be doing some wild kingdom banging tonight. I'm pretty sure this is the same tree house where Simba was conceived.

2nd date is with Emily. Brad gets the goofiest look on his face when he sees her. Can't blame him, she looks God Damn adorable.

Brad leaves her alone in the jungle, and then comes back riding on an elephant. That's funny because he also rode an elephant last night.

Emily says "this is my dream!" Really? Your dream was riding an elephant? That seems unlikely. Maybe her dream should've been the ability to find a man without abandoning her daughter.

If Brad and Emily have a kid, I guarantee you it ends up in community college.

Emily asks Brad if he's ready for a 5 year old over and over again, and Brad finally squeezes out a very unconvincing "yeah". Poor guy. He's like, why does the best girl have to also be the worst girl?

Brad and Emily kiss and they show the animals whooping it up around them. It's like he's motherfucking Tarzan.

Brad loves wearing blue. He seems very nervous around her. Weird. What do these two talk about other than him being nervous and that kid? The answer is nothing. But maybe pretty people just need to be pretty and we should accept their ways. It's like how Middle Eastern countries can't have democracies, good looking people can't have solid communication skills.

He gives her the fantasy suite card. Thank God that kid is on another continent so Brad will feel okay with banging the crap out of her on national TV.

She says she wants to set a good example for her daughter, so even though she'll go with him, sex is off the table. She will, however, allow him to finger bang her. It's for the kids.

At the suite, which isn't a fucking tree house, Emily tells Brad that she's falling in love with him. And here's where it gets interesting:

Brad says "I didn't expect that...and I'm falling in love with you too". And then he adds that he's not gonna sit here and let her say that without saying it back. Hold the phone. Chantal has told him she loves him a thousand times and he's never said it back. Whoa. Rude.

3rd date is with Ashley. What a let down. Why is she still here? I wish it was Shawntel. Despite the fact that she's brainwashed and might be in a cult with a gay dad, she's pretty cool.

On this date, Brad has decided to switch it up and wear blue. They walk together and Brad reveals: The Bachelor Copter. Ashley freaks the fuck out. Because that's her response to everything.

And also because she's scared of flying, I guess. Brad says "you know how many times I've flown and nothing has happened". Something kinda only needs to happen once. I would've been like, "what about that time with Emily's fiancee? And also flight 800. And 9/11".

They land in a particularly scenic spot. Brad says "the locals call this God's window". Then he says "it is beautiful. It is by all definition God's window". Oh, Brad. Dumb, dumb Brad.

Ashley looks at the view and says "is this real life?". It makes sense that a dentist would quote David After Dentist.

Brad asks Ashley where she sees herself living and she answers incorrectly. He was looking for "Texas", and she said "southern Maine". Then he goes "what happens when you settle down, start your career. Do you think you can allow yourself to live while you're trying to achieve?"

Trying to achieve?! She's a dentist. What's she trying to achieve? Perfect smiles?! I think you can do both.

Brad is going on and on about how she reminds him of how he was ten years ago. And she is completely missing his point. She thinks she's having a wonderful day with Brad, and he's telling her why she's not getting the rose. I've been on many dates like that, not fun. Then when the dumping comes, she thinks it's out of the blue. And you're like, "I told you it was coming!" Stop fantasizing about our wedding and see the I'm about to dump you signs, lady! But I digress.

Ashley says like a lot. Like, a lot.

At dinner, Brad (in a different blue shirt) brings it up again. He has to just say it, "when I asked where you wanted to live, not one time did you mention Austin". Her excuse is that she's never been to Austin. Sweetie, you really have no clue what the other girls are throwing out there and you're blowing it.

Brad thinks there's a lot of misunderstandings between them, but no, she's just an idiot.

Ashley tells Brad that she thinks he's just looking for a wife and for someone to fit in with him. Which I guess is kinda true. He's really emphasizing her big bad dentistry career, implying that she won't have time for him. And I guess that's why Emily fits, because she doesn't have a job and is just sitting around waiting to be someones trophy wife.

They make their way to the fantasy lodge. It's the most nonsexual fantasy lodge I've ever seen. They've lost their mojo. Apparently, a woman with a career ruins Brad's boner. Hey, he's from Texas. Women aren't allowed to work in Texas. Fact.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

Chantal has stepped up her game a little bit, at least compared to the debacle that was last week's Final Rose Ceremony dress. I mean, she's still huge, but at least the dress isn't making it worse.

Brad gets nervous, and then asks Ashley to talk before he starts handing out roses. He says "our date did not go well at all...I'm so, so sorry". Ashley starts crying. I hate that she even thinks that she's in this.

Ashley goes, "I wanted you to ask those questions..." and Brad just about loses it, "then what the hell happened then!" But he remembers his therapist's training, and holds it back.

God, Ashley never says anything smart or good at any time. She must be getting edited badly, because she can't be this dumb. After all, she has a high fallutin' career cleaning teeth.

Brad is being way too nice.

Finally, thank the Lord, he says "I need to tell you goodbye". Jesus. She is the worst. She can't talk. He really seems to have something for her, and yet she can't do anything about it. Sad. At least she has healthy gums.

Once again, say what you want about Brad, but he could not have been cooler about that. I would've slapped her.

Wait...Chantal's gonna be on Dancing with the Stars? Oh, that's Kirstie Alley.

After leaving Chantal and Emily waiting for about an hour, he comes back, makes a nice speech, and gives out the two roses. They accept.

And then there were two. And it's exactly who we'd thought they'd be. Chantal vs. Emily. Based off this episode, it's Emily. But I still feel like there's love for Chantal in his heart. And also, he's never spoken with Emily about anything. That has to be a factor, right?

Brad says he thought Ashley would be one of the last 2 women, which could be taken that Chantal shouldn't even be here right now. Something to think about.

Next week: the girls tell all. Or rather, it's the Michelle show.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Goodnight!