Bachelor Brad, Take 2, Ep 6. Chantel Thinks It's the Finale

This seems like a superfluous episode: 2 hours just to see Jackie and Alli get the boot. But let's enjoy the heck out of it anyway...

We start with a shot of the Bachelor Copter! It's hovering over Costa Rica. God's country. Or something. Brad is there in a collared shirt looking at waterfalls and shit. Stuff is wearing heavily on his heart, and he's hoping "Costa Rica will provide some answers". Costa Rica isn't your therapist, Brad.

Brad shows the girls the resort, which is pretty sick. It overlooks a volcano, which seems like a terrible idea. It's like living in tornado alley, or New Orleans.

Chantel gets the one on one date. Michelle prays that "Chantel gets attacked by monkeys...or apes". She's right, she is so much more mature than the other girls.

Let's be honest, Chantel has the chubs gene. She's not there yet, but she will be someday. But for now, we should just enjoy her boobs.

Brad takes Chantel to the Bachelor Copter. I don't want to get presumptuous, but I'd assume they're gonna get a closer look at that volcano. This isn't my first rodeo.

Brad says "I don't think Chantel knows what I have planned for her". Yeah, Brad, I'm sure you planned this whole thing. You'd have better luck convincing me that you and your brother Chad are identical twins.

They're going zip lining. Ugh. I hate this daredevil shit. I can't help but think that young girls in this country are going to grow up thinking they must risk their lives to find love. You don't have to do it, ladies! Just dress nice and be cool, that's enough.

Brad and Chantel freak out when they see a monkey. Oh no! It's one of the killer monkeys sent by Michelle. She wasn't kidding.

Chantel says "I'm feeling things I dreamt of feeling one day, but haven't until now". Really? What about the dude you went out with for 10 years? Your baby daddy? Nothing? But 3 weeks with Brad and 2 dates got the job done, sounds realistic.

It starts raining on Chantel and Brad, so they take the party to a hotel room. Sometimes rain is God's rape drug.

Michelle speculates that the rain has ruined their date and Chantel might not be coming home. Cut to Chantel emerging from the hotel bathroom in Brad's shirt and nothing else. Yeah, I think she's gonna get a rose...and a wiener.

Chantel says "I'm crazy about you, do you know that?" Uh, I think he does, you told him you loved him yesterday.

She adds, "I want more of it, every day, forever". Yikes. Chantel, settle down. Let Michelle handle the crazy portion of the episode.

It is revealed that Alli is getting the other one on one date. That settles it, she's going home. He hasn't sent anyone home on a one on one yet, and it's time.

Group date. More risky behavior. No, not unprotected sex, they are going to repel down a waterfall. Michelle is pissed. She says her and Brad "made a pact never to repel with anyone else". Oh, one of those "never repel" pacts. Those are in just about every romantic comedy.

Brad says he just wants to find a woman "he can have a little adventure with". How about a woman who you can sit on a couch with? Cause that's what I like. Hey babe, how about a little less repelling and a little more passing the popcorn?

All the girls but Michelle go. Brad confirms to her that he remembered the pact, and they are going to repel together. How insane is this? Who has a repel pact? That's not something that people have.

And how does Brad know that Michelle didn't have a repel pact with Carlos Boozer or Steve Sanders? She could be some kind of repel slut.

Just saw a commercial for that show "Secret Millionaire" and had a brainstorm. They should combine the Bachelorette and Secret Millionaire. One of the 25 guys vying for love should be a millionaire. Who's not watching that?

Next, they all take a dip in the hot spring. Michelle says "seeing Brad without his shirt on makes you wanna go home and masturbate". They bleeped masturbate, so that's a guess. An educated guess.

Jackie gets alone time and hates on Brad for repelling with Jackie. Holy crap, how many times can this be brought up? The repel pact is ruining lives!

I don't know why, but I seriously have a crazy, uncontrolled hatred of Alli. Just the idea that she thinks she's getting a rose tonight enrages me. I think it's her teeth or her mouth in general that does it.

Emily gets alone time. She says she likes him and it scares her. And adds that she normally sabotages good relationships. If she's with someone she likes, she runs away. Just what every guy wants to hear. I have a feeling this is going to come up later and she's going to run right off this show.

Back at the house, there's a beetle on the table. Alli freaks the fuck out. Chantel calmly puts it on a magazine to take it out of the house, but also taunts Alli with it and Alli screams and throws something. Brad, in a hot spring with Michelle, can hear the screams and is like "what the hell?" Just a funny moment.

Meanwhile, Michelle hates on Chantel. Then Brad busts on her, like "you have to let my decisions be my decisions". Nicely done. Then she gives up and just starts making out with him. Even nicer.

Britt is getting no air time. Not looking good for her right now.

Brad doesn't give a rose on this date, frankly because no one deserves one.

It's Alli time. They get on horses. And Brad reveals that they're going spelunking. Yes, spelunking. Typical first date stuff. Don't worry, Alli, I'm sure there aren't any beetles in the dark cave.

Brad points out a spider and she freaks. She's like how Indiana Jones was with snakes, only with a really weird mouth.

Next, they come upon some bats and she freaks out even more. This show is just devolving into fear factor. Next she's gonna have to eat Brad's testicles.

They have dinner and make small talk. Brad tells us that the conversation sucks. It's sucked the whole time with her, but now he's bringing it up because it's time for her to go.

Alli tells Brad about breaking up with her last boyfriend, and she doesn't realize that she's describing exactly how Brad feels about her. And after she's done, Brad goes "I know exactly what you mean". Ha.

It's staring her right in the face and she does not get it! It's so sad, in a way. But also not, because I don't like her.

Brad breaks her heart, and she says "I feel stupid right now". Uh, yeah. You should.

I'm very pleased with myself for this prediction, even though it was obvious.

Brad goes home to digest all of this. Normally, it would be therapist time. But that's an expensive international phone call, so Brad has to work out his issues on his own. Hopefully Costa Rica will give him the answers he seeks.

And then Costa Rica knocks on his door! Actually, no. It's one of the girls, she says "hola". Cut to commercial.

And of course it's Michelle. My sidekick here claims that Michelle's hairstyle is almost impossible to mess up, and yet right now on Michelle "it's a disaster". There's a single braid in the front, I don't know.

Brad doesn't seem that pleased to see her, and yet makes out with her anyway. Then Michelle tells him he needs to get rid of Chantel, and tells him the order in which to eliminate the girls:

Britt, Jackie, Chantel, Emily, and Ashley. She may be crazy, but that's not that far off.

Cocktail party. Brad takes Emily to a hammock. She earns some cool points by admitting that telling him she sabotages every relationship was the stupidest thing to say and who would want to hang out with someone like that? Amen. And yet, it was the truth so this will end badly.

Chantel is in a leopard print get up, and she's lucky she already has a rose. It's not good.

Brad gets Michelle alone, and lays down the law. It is nice. He tells her they've taken 10 steps back. His shrink, and the island of Costa Rica, would be so proud.

Michelle is a little slutty genius. Any time there is conflict between them, she just launches herself at his lips. Fight resolved.

Brad tells the girls that some of them were giving him grief about not giving a rose on the group date. Suddenly, Chantel turns into Joseph McCarthy. She leads a witch hunt and forces people to name names. Finally, Michelle admits that she went over to Brad's room the night before. She's the pinko.

Chantel gets Brad alone, and tells him she loves him. Jesus, woman! Hold back a little bit. You haven't even been to the fantasy suite yet. The fantasy might be small, if you know what I'm saying. Might want to get a look at it first.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

Only one person is getting eliminated, which sucks. He could easily get rid of 3 and it would be fine. I'm sticking with my prediction of Jackie. Could be Britt though. Michelle will be getting the last rose, that's a lock.

ASHLEY - ugh, she's gone next week.

EMILY - so adorable and fragile

BRITT - sorry, Jackie.

SHAUNTEL - this is an easy, predictable week. I wrote her name before he said it.

MICHELLE - yep.

Oh Jackie, we hardly knew ya. I'm seriously, we barely knew your name. Don't know who you are or what you do, but goodbye. When he didn't break his repel pact to help you out even though you were the most scared, the writing was on the wall. Everybody knows repel pacts are non binding in international waters.

Brad is very sweet as he walks her out. I know there are a lot of complaints about Brad, many of which I agree with, but the reason he was a good bachelor last time is because he excels at these moments. The dude just knows what to say, and he doesn't make me uncomfortable, and that's why I like him.

Next week, Anguilla. Chantel breaks down, Emily sabotages things, and Michelle makes out. Business as usual.

Good night!