The Bizarro Joe Paterno

I've hated Joe Paterno for the last 10 years. I hated Bobby Bowden too. I hate any coach who can't retire and holds on just to set meaningless records and preserve their "legacy".

An 80 year old man cannot possibly be in charge of 100 college athletes. Heck, a 50 year old man can barely do it. That's an unmanageable amount of personalities, and it's actually 3 times that amount when you count their parents, who are even worse.

My hatred for Paterno really picked up steam when he began "coaching" from up in the press box. Then I found out he didn't even go into the locker room at halftime to talk to the team. Sorry, but you're not the coach. You're an old figurehead that the team feels sorry for.

Maybe it's because I would retire tomorrow if I could that I have such a thing about old people not quitting, but obviously it came back to bite Paterno on the ass. Perhaps the same motivation that drove him to hang onto that job is the same one that ended up being his undoing. But it turns out, the best thing he could've done was leave 10 years ago. You can only screw things up by hanging around and being alive, just look at 2pac compared to Snoop. 2pac is one of the greats of Hip Hop, Snoop has a sitcom in development with NBC.

Well, there's another 80 year old who doesn't want to give it up. But in this case, he is being forced out without a scandal necessitating it. His name is Regis Philbin.

Regis is leaving this week. I know this because I've been watching Regis and Kelly ever since Soap Net had the nerve to switch Beverly Hills 90210 from its 8am & 9am time slot. Assholes.

Has anyone been watching Regis and Kelly lately? It's pretty fascinating and I'm surprised it isn't being discussed more. The reason:

Regis doesn't want to leave. And even more interesting, it seems like Kelly can't wait to get rid of his excitable ass.

There's a weird tension every morning. Regis talks about what he's going to do next, and Kelly gently tells him he'll be fine. Normally, the person in Regis' situation would be talking about spending more time with his family or relaxing, but no, he clearly wants to keep working.

Unlike Paterno or Bowden or most 80 year olds who don't know when to let go, I'm actually rooting for Regis. He's not hanging out in the press box picking up bullshit wins while doing nothing. He's still got it.

And I don't like Kelly. She was a natural at this morning talk show thing, or at least she used to be. But I think that the every day grind has ruined her. She's faking it now. Her energy is fake. Her stories are fake. She's run dry, and now she's acting. And if any of you watched All My Children in the early '90's, you know that acting is not her strong suit. It's just too hard to come in every morning for an hour and talk about the wacky stories from your life. No one has that many wacky stories.

But Regis does!

Have you met any 80 year olds lately? They shouldn't be driving, much less be on TV. But Regis is an exception. If he was really done, he'd be too tired to fight it. But ever since it was announced that they were getting rid of him, he's made it uncomfortable for Kelly and the fat, 40 year old female audience every day and I like it.

Maybe it is time for him to leave. You don't want to go out too late. But Regis is still throwing fast balls and he's meant to do that show. He's great at it. I just hope that 90210 goes back to its old time slot so I can go back to not caring.