Bachelor Brad, His 2nd Most Dramatic Finale Ever

This is gonna be a long one. And before we begin, I've been going back and forth on these two ladies, so let's quickly review what the producers have thrown at us:

Chantal and Brad seemed to have the best connection early on.

Emily and Brad love the way each other looks, but there hasn't been a lot of substance there.

Chantal has told Brad she loves him a million times, but he hasn't said it back. Emily has told him she loves him once, and he said it back.

They keep teasing something going horribly wrong between Emily and Brad in the finale, but they teased something very similar for the episode where he met the kid. It has to be an editing manipulation.

I'm stalling. Basically, in my opinion, it's been Chantal the whole time, and that's why she's been crying and freaking out - because she knew it was her, and yet Brad had to go through this whole charade.

However, can Brad really reject a ridiculously hot trophy wife with money and a sob story? Wouldn't he be scared of the wrath of the American public after last time? It seems impossible. And yet, I'm sticking with my gut, and saying he chooses Chantal, and Emily is the Bachelorette. Let's see what happens...

South Africa. Brad has always wanted to visit this city. Yes, Texas and South Africa actually do have a lot in common, except in South Africa, apartheid has ended.

Brad's family shows up, and there he is, it's Chad (or is it Brad?)! It's like Brad is looking into a mirror...one of those fun house mirrors, where you look completely different.

They are identical twins who don't look at all the same, but I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say Chad might be even better looking.

Finally, Brad cries. A lot. Something about seeing his family has broken him. Paging, Brad's therapist.

Brad says he is 100% ready to propose, and that Chantal and Emily could not be more different. This is true. One has a kid, one doesn't. One has a dead fiance, one has an alive ex husband. One comes with a lot baggage, and the other has Chantal's butt.

Chantal meets the family first. She's that girl who is good with meeting parents, like, so good that it's a little suspicious.

God damn Chad is dreamy. Can we get a peek at shirtless Chad? He has a Jesse (from Bachelor Pad) vibe to him. I feel bad for the ugly brother. He's shorter and wider, but he does have the good family hair.

I feel like if there was a reality show on the Logo network called "Brad and Chad (or is it Chad and Brad?)" it would be hugely successful.

Chantal and Brad's mom are instantly besties. Between Chad and Logo and using the word "besties", I might need to reevaluate my life.

If you were judging just by that, you'd say Chantal is the winner. But now it's Emily's turn...

She looks as sweet as usual, but she's nervous. You know who should be nervous right now? Chad's wife. Cause Chad is just a little too interested in Emily's story.

Emily breaks the news that she is tainted with a child. They are taken aback. Brad's brother, the ugly one, asks if the baby daddy is gonna be okay with her moving to Austin. And Brad gets super awkward with it. Like, really awkward. It's uncomfortable.

But Emily is cool, and eagerly tells the whole story because it's the only thing she's able to talk about.

Emily is throwing the "y'alls" around like candy at Halloween. She knows what these rednecks want to hear, and it's lots and lots of y'alls.

Brad says that he loves that Emily is a "real lady". See, this is the problem. He wants a lady. That should be last on the list of things you want. Ladies don't work. And ladies aren't fun to have sex with. Ladies just lay there and don't want things to get messy. Sluts love messiness.

Uh oh. Chantal's "bestie" starts crying because Emily called Brad her "angel". She's fallen into the dead fiance trap. That's all she has! Stop falling for it!

Commercial for Shark Tank! Can't wait for that.

Brad's family huddles up to talk about the 2 girls. The ugly brother says that with Chantal they can run around and "sow some oats". He's 38! The oats are stale.

Ugly brother's wife says that Emily really "understands our world". What did I tell you about those y'alls, y'all? Ah, stupid southerners.

The family seems to like Emily more. Especially Chad. Can't wait 'till he sympathy bangs her.

And now, they're making it seem like it's Emily.

Final date time. First up, Chantal. She meets Brad in a field and they run towards each other and she jumps in his arms. He goes down in a heap, his lower back couldn't take the weight.

They go on a boat, see a shark, so of course they're going swimming with them. Yeah, I'm sure the good people of South Africa keep this completely safe. Third world countries are all about safety.

Brad says Chantal is adventurous, and she might get in there and even wrestle one. Ironically, I hung out with my little nephews this weekend and they said a shark would lose in a fight with a killer whale, so maybe he's right.

In the wetsuits with the masks, you can't tell which is Brad and which is Chantal. I was admiring her breasts, and it turned out to be his gorgeous man boobs.

By the way, there's no way in a million years that Emily would do this. I don't fault her for it, but Brad might. He does say danger is a major factor in good relationships.

"When I look at Chantal, I see a lifetime of a excitement, and I love it"

Interesting to note the similarities between Chantal and DeAnna. Both were tough on Brad, both have a chubby gene.

They spend their last night together before decision time. Chantal writes Brad a nice note, and Brad calls her "Shanny". Chantal says she'll be crushed if he doesn't tell her he loves her. And they linger on a shot and with some music, they are really setting it up like, "she's screwed".

Next, Emily's turn. And of course, they go on the Bachelor Copter.

Brad says their relationship has come slowly but it has come so far. Not really. "I'm attracted to you" "My fiance died and I have a kid" "Come here to me, please". End of relationship.

Emily starts telling Brad all the bad things about having a kid. Brad shivers in disgust. I can't have beers whenever I want! This is madness! It is, Brad, it is.

But later that night, Brad goes on and on about how he's gonna be a great father. And he all but says he's gonna pick Emily. She says, "what do you think that means? what do you think being a father means?"

Brad stops in his tracks, and says some bullshit about loving and protecting and stuff. Guard and protect your heart! He thinks he knows what being a father is, but how could he? His father ditched his ass. He doesn't know. He and Chad fended for themselves.

Emily keeps repeating, "being a parent isn't always fun". Man, she hates her kid. No wonder she ran off and did this show, she just wanted the alone time.

Brad freaks out. He doesn't like to be questioned! A real lady does not question her man.

Well, this sucks. It's obviously Emily. Brad is laying it on the line here. He's saying he wants to be a dad, and even he can't believe he's saying it. And he can't understand how she isn't blown away by this, because he's been the anti-father his whole life. But regardless, it's clear. Chantal is going to cry her fat little heart out. Can't help but think she ate her way out of this.

Brad picks a ring, just like he did the last time he did this show. Somewhere, DeAnna's vagina just dried up...and she blinked.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

And the first lady out of the limo is...

CHANTAL

Man, I just don't see what he has with Emily. I think he's making the same mistakes. He's all about looks. They don't have anything real. She wasn't doing the fun stuff with him.

But I have to say, the dress Chantal is wearing...you don't wear that to the final rose ceremony and win. You just don't. There are feathers involved. Once again, I blame the Bachelor caterers for her loss.

Brad gives Chantal the big speech, and then lays the boom "I have stronger feelings for someone else". And finally, Chantal cries when she's supposed to. Brad gives her a sympathy "please".

It was obviously over when he told Emily he loved her and didn't tell Chantal. But I was holding out hope. But if life has taught us anything, it's that big is not beautiful.

Nothing worse than getting dumped and then getting on a plane for 20 hours. I hope Chris Harrison is there to pick up the pieces.

After seeing this, you really get that DeAnna never had a chance. The man needs a trophy. Where is that God damn therapist?!

"This has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do...since the last time I had to do it...twice"

Emily pulls up. She wears the right dress. He can barely kiss and hug her! It's like she's a fragile little doll.

Crazy that he's 14 years older than her. Makes me think I need a 20 year old.

Brad gives Em the big speech. And I think she's right, he's gonna be sorely disappointed about what being married and a dad is really like. Cause it has nothing to do with the flowery shit he's saying.

He gets down on one knee, and she says yes, and then he says..."COME HERE TO ME, PLEASE!!!"

It's like he knew that's his catchphrase.

I would not be surprised if this doesn't work out and Emily dumps him. No one can compete with that dead fiance.

I'm sorry, but it's pretty funny that the two best looking people in the world have a kid with that face. It's like Christie Brinkley and Alexa Ray Joel.

All right, that's the show. I really enjoyed this season, I hope you did too. For whatever reason, I enjoy Brad and I think they did their best casting job in years with the ladies. Please discuss.

Now it's time for After the Final Rose...