The odd part about the finale of Bachelor Pad? None of it takes place at the Bachelor Pad! This is all done in studio, where the Pad contestants gather to decide who wins it. Just a reminder: this is down to Nick and Rachel vs. Lipless and Sarah.
As Harrison introduces all of the other eliminated people, the crowd cheers wildly for everyone...except for the twins and Jamie. Brutal! There's twin level hate for Jamie.
We quickly realize that at least the first hour of this is going to be less a finale, and more a "The Guys/Girls Tell All" type episode. There's a lot of recap videos. Um, who is watching this who hasn't been watching the entire time? Holy shit, I just realized it's been entirely pointless for me to watch any of the previous episodes! I've wasted my life! Damn.
Kalon and Lindzi are still together...sorta. It actually doesn't sound like they really are. Erica warns that she's seen Kalon in Houston (Houston social scene!) with other girls. Lindzi doesn't seem to care and again, I'm pretty sure they're just fuck buddies.
Michael sits with Harrison in the hot seat. Rachel isn't out there yet, but he tells us that he has broken up with her. Jaclyn butts her ugly face into it and says Michael did Rachel dirty. He says she liked him more than he liked her - he thought it was a "summer camp" relationship - and then broke up with her. Sounds reasonable. I mean, the only person I had sex with at summer camp was myself, but still, I get it. We'll be hearing more about this later...
You know the Pad is a fucked up place when Tony and Blakely are the only couple with staying power.
Jaclyn is next on the hot seat, immediately making it the disgusting seat. She destroys everything that has ever been hot! She tells us that she thought she was going to win, for sure. Strangely, the whole Ed situation is not mentioned at all. What?! Seriously though, did I miss it? Isn't that the first question you'd ask? Is anyone out there? Hello?!
Now Blakely is on the hot seat. Jesus, this is amateur hour. These are people who couldn't even get screen time when they were on The Bachelor, now they are "stars". I still love that quote from her though: "I'm a Scorpio and I will sting the fuck out of you...in retrospect". I love "in retrospect". It's like when Joey on Friends had "word of the day" toilet paper. "Ooh, retrospect, I gotta work that in!"
Blakely appears to have a new, crazy person tattoo on her arm. She breaks down when talking about Tony, "I don't know what I did to deserve him". You served beers in a tight Hooters shirt. That'll get you a Tony 7 days a week.
The lamest thing just happened: they set it up to make it look like Tony was going to pop the question. Instead, he announces that they are moving in together. Whoa! Hey guys, don't know if you're aware of this, but you're in your 30's! Not that big a deal at this point.
Blakely exclaims, "he's got cable!". Oh my God. Trailer. Trash. Yet even Trailer Trash has cable. I've seen the dishes on those things.
Oh, then it actually happens. Tony proposes. Does he not know that he has a kid? She says yes. The kid's future just said no. You can't have Blakely as a step mom and come out normal.
At long last, the final 2 couples come out. Rachel quickly brings up the Michael stuff. Michael was saying a lot of nice things when they were on the show, then got cold afterwards. Rachel is confused. Michael says he meant it, but then he realized he wasn't falling in love with her. Meanwhile, Nick just sits there like a goof.
Turns out, Michael's whole excuse about not wanting to have a "long distance relationship was bullshit. Cause he started dating a chick in Chicago. Whoops.
It doesn't seem like Michael did anything that wrong, he just didn't like her enough. How do you break up with someone and not look like an asshole? On the Pad, it's impossible. Then again, maybe this is all just a ruse to gain sympathy votes for Rachel so she wins the money. The ultimate game playing!!!
Nick explains his strategy of not being interesting at all.
Lipless feels bad for being an jerk, cause his family and friends watched the show, and now they think he's a jerk. Chris says "that's not what I intended to do". Really? Cause you seemed to really intend to do it a lot.
Jamie pulls the Steve "Ricki" Zahn card! Lipless would not make a good father. Ouch. It's always a risk to bring up Ricki on this show, but she pulled it off. Luckily, she didn't mention the word "baggage".
It should be written that Sarah looks like shit. She might be having a nervous breakdown, and what's breaking down is her face.
Lipless: "I can't regret it cause I can't change it". You don't understand regret.
Lipless keeps playing the parents card. He says he's had enough. Did he not know that this whole thing was being filmed? That's the only explanation that makes sense.
The eliminated people now get to vote for a couple to win. It seems like it has to be Nick and Rachel winning, just because of the Lipless factor.
Of course Kalon votes for Lipless. That's what he does.
A Reid sighting! By the way, the twins have not uttered a single word. And there's 2 of them!
Nick and Rachel win, 9-3.
Now here's where it gets interesting. The producers have come up with an ingenious little device. Nick and Rachel now have to hold up cards. They each have to decide to "share the money" or "keep the money". If they both pick "share", they share the money. If one takes "share" and the other "keep", the person who chose "keep", keeps the money! If they both choose "keep", the rest of the competitors get to split the money.
Pretty cool idea.
We know there's drama here tonight. Is it possible Nick chooses "keep"? If so he would propel himself instantly into the Bachelor Pad Hall of Fame! And this is a guy who has done nothing ever. That's how bold a move it would be.
If Blakely gets a share you know what she's getting...a DVR! Oh my God it's a magical box that records things! Off cable! Which I now have!
THE FINAL REVEAL
Rachel chooses...SHARE
Nick gives a long, rambling, serial killer style speech, and then:
Nick chooses...KEEP!!!!!!!!!!
He did it! Nick did it! I have to think his association with this blog was the difference. Nick, if you're reading this, you have to do an interview. We believed in you when no one else did!
Rachel is pissed, Nick is defiant. The rest of the cast is blown away. Nick starts walking around the stage, talking shit, just turning into a cocky motherfucker. It's genius.
This reminds me of that movie "Primal Fear" with Ed Norton. You think Ed Norton is a quiet, shy guy for most of the movie, and then all of the sudden he reveals himself to be a psychopath. That's the switch Nick has flipped right now.
His reasoning is that no one believed in him, Rachel didn't even want to be partners with him, he got no love from anybody. And guess what? By the end, the studio audience is sorta on board with him!
Kalon is the only person talking sense! He says "none of us 'deserved' the money, it was just a game and we were lucky to be here". Yes! He then gives Nick credit, because previously he thought Nick was just an idiot. Ha.
Lipless, and some others, start giving Nick credit for winning the game. Holy shit - Nick is some kind of muscular wizard. And Rachel has now been dumped twice.
By the way, this adds awesome stakes for next season. It was assumed in the past that both people would always pick "share", and now you have to really think about it.
After Harrison signs off, Nick walks backstage. Rachel follows him. She says they had a conversation about this. They spoke on the phone and they agreed they'd both pick "share". It's like an episode of Jerry Springer. Actually, it is an episode of Jerry Springer.
I want to make love to Rachel so badly right now.
Funny end sequence of all the Pad contestants, while they were still in the house, talking about how dumb Nick is. Suck it, losers!
I'll leave you with with the first email Nick wrote to me months ago:
Just wanted to drop you an email and say you got a funny blog man. There's a million Bachelor bloggers out there and naturally I read them, but most aren't near as entertaining as yours! The blonde is gone and the soul patch has been shaved so you can't wear me out about that anymore haha. Keep it up dude and I'll be looking out for your blog if I'm on the Pad 3 next season!
Nick - The frosted tip blonde personal trainer guy
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