The New Real World, Featuring "The Beast"

The new Real World started tonight. They're in San Diego. That's how long this show has been on, they've been to San Diego twice. But it's a totally different part of San Diego!

This always brings up the question: why do people even live in cities where the Real World refuses to go? They'll hit New York or Chicago 10 times before we see a Real World Cleveland.

As you know, I'm a bit of a Real World buff. I've seen every season (except for that gay one in Brooklyn that we don't count as a real season because they refused to cast any attractive straight people that I could live vicariously through. Don't forget your straight audience, assholes). And lately, very quietly, things have been pretty great. Casting that guy who never wore a shirt and used to do gay porn really breathed new life into the franchise.

Also, it has exposed the weakness of Jersey Shore. Jersey Shore is basically the same show except with fake Italians and a cast of roommates that never changes. However, The Real World has a different cast each time. So while Jersey Shore features the same shit - Ronnie and Sammie fighting, Snookie's pussy - every episode, The Real World allows us to see different people fighting and different people's pussies. It refreshes itself, and that is a good thing.

And there's another thing that makes The Real World especially fun to watch these days: The Real World/Road Rules Challenge. We know that after the season ends, some of these people will be graduating to The Challenge. So it's like watching college basketball, and imagining who will go on to dominate the pros.

Well, it just so happens that this season of The Real World features the equivalent of Magic Johnson at Michigan St., Michael Jordan at North Carolina, or Lebron James in high school. I think his name is Zach, but I just call him, The Beast.

The Beast is, quite literally, a beast. He's enormous. Maybe 6'4", 225 pounds. He's an ex football player, with the body of an Adonis. Oh, and one other thing, he's as handsome as the day is long.

Who the hell is this guy? Where did he come from? Why don't they always cast people like this if they're available? The man is beautiful. He's like Tom Brady, but with abs of steel and a better taste in women.

In short, I love The Beast.

But now I want this show to hurry up and be over so I can see him on The Challenge. We've all dreamed of a future CT vs. Ronnie smackdown, but this might offer us something even better.

Obviously, CT is the clear favorite, because of his resume and also his inability to reason. But we've got a whole season to watch and analyze The Beast, and who knows, he may prove to be a formidable foe. I look forward to finding out.

There's another guy on this new season who might actually equal CT in insanity. Unfortunately, he's not built like The Beast. If there was only a way to combine his mental illness with The Beast's size and beauty. But I guess God already did that, and he called him CT.