Bachelor Pad 2nd Season, Ep 5

Bachelor Pad, a Labor Day tradition like no other...

If these motherfuckers don't vote off Vienna and Kasey this week, they are as crazy as Melissa's crying face.

After the last vote, Chris comes in to tell them they have to "couple up". Oh, I thought they already had to do that. He hints, "by the way, the person you choose, you might want to get to know them". Thanks to the latest developments in teaser technology, we know that they are going to do the newlywed game tomorrow.

Well, everyone already has a partner, so really it's just Erica and Blake realizing they have no other options. Sorry buddy, Holly's not going with you, I think she knows Michael a little better.

Erica claims that she's much prettier than Holly and "a lot smarter". As a rule, no one with fake lips is prettier than any girl with real lips, that's how anti-fake lip I am.

Kasey says that he and Vienna are going to win easily because "she's my girlfriend, I've known her a long time". Well, not that long. I mean, didn't she break up with Jake on TV not that long ago and cheat on him with like a hundred guys? And then he says "it's so close, I can smell it" then puts two fingers up to his nose and takes a whiff. At least one of his senses works.

The Nearly Wed game begins. First question: how many dates does your partner need before making whoopee?

Kirk guesses 5 for Ella and he's right. And then, in the best moment of tonight's show, Vienna guesses "22". 22!!! What the hell? She is truly bat shit crazy. The correct answer, according to Kasey, is 7. That bitch put out in the fantasy suite for Jake, that was date 2 at most. Date 22, fuck off.

Another question: which part of your body do you think your exes miss the most about you?

Vienna says "boobs", Kasey says "teeth". Ha! Teeth. That's Vienna's best quality, he finally got something right.

If your partner could sleep with one other person in the house, who would that be? Holly answers Blake. Michael holds up his sign, and it says "me/Michael". I don't think he understood the question. But even if it was the question he thought it was, he'd still be wrong.

Who is your partner's least favorite person in the house? Everyone says Blake. Well, except Holly.

How many people has your partner had sex with? Graham says 7. What? That seems like a small number for that dude. I wouldn't be surprised if he had 7 in that house.

How old was your partner when they lost their virginity? Blake says 16 and Erica got it right. Then Kasey says he was 21! Of course he was, and it was with a hooker or a someone who knows sign language. Or Miss Piggy.

Graham announces that he was "7". Ahhh, so that's what going on. Their strategy was if there's a number, they just say 7. Smart. Also, if it's about a guy, they say Mike, and a bunch of other "codes". Dammit, I can't believe they actually thought of that, and neither can the producers.

But on the last question, Michelle forgets the code and blows it. That's the level of intelligence I was expecting. On the tiebreaker though, Blake and Erica miss it and Graham and Michelle get it right. They win. Hooray for cheating.

The Bachelor Copter arrives to take Graham and Michelle on their date to see...Paramount Pictures in association with Dreamworks present the feature film "What's your number?", starring Ana Faris. Graham has heard it's "extremely good". Seamless integration.

Back at the house, Vienna and Kasey get in another fight. They're like the poor man's Sammie and Ronnie, and that's sad. At least Ronnie has the decency to knock people out and be entertaining. Supposedly, Vienna wouldn't have sex with Kasey so he ripped the infamous promise ring off of her finger. I guess he thought that promise involved coitus.

Vienna says "no means no!" So Kasey starts listing all of the people Vienna has banged. Not sure what that proves, but I think he means that if girls have sex with some men, then they have to have sex with all men. Makes sense.

Kasey has to beg Vienna to "snuggle" with him. He says "it's not easy dating her, but I love her". Then they cut to an odd black and white shot of them in bed, Kasey on top of her, and she says "let's just get it over with". This show has taken us from the fantasy suite to the reality suite. And that reality involves sexual assault.

Erica and Blake get to go on a date because they were in 2nd place. Their date card says "your mission is romance". Erica plans to "seduce him", and tells us that she's horny and hopes to end up in the "missionary" position. She's about as subtle as her clown mouth.

It's so funny to watch Blake, who thought he was making all of these moves, end up with Melissa and now Erica. Try to remember, dude, you were rejected by Ashley. Your game is weak, but you can root the hell out of a canal.

They sit down at dinner and discover 2 roses at their table. That would be so awesome if Chris came out and said "you will get these roses and be safe from elimination, but only if you have sex tonight". Now that would be good television.

But no, they get to save another couple from elimination, but not themselves. They think this puts them in a strategic position, but why would it? They are the only ones who are getting eliminated tonight.

I'm enjoying this awkward date. Blake is so uncomfortable. Erica is so proud in her whoredom, and I have to say, I respect it. Don't hide, girl, get yours.

Blake keeps trying to tell her that they should go home, and she keeps saying that they are going to spend the night and "bond". With girls like this, you cannot say it too explicitly.

Erica says "you need to take these pillow lips for a test run". She wouldn't be more blatant if she was holding a giant sign that said "Let me suck your dick!"

Ella is so pretty.

So many good Erica quotes:

"Blake tells me that me telling the girls that I was bringing my sexy lingerie is like if he told the guys he was bringing condoms...and I agree and I wish that he had"

"You're worried about your reputation, and that's annoying"

Erica says that she's not the one who needs to worry about her reputation. She's right, she will be known as a sex crazed, balloon lipped hooker and nothing can change that.

Blake and Erica start spreading the word about their roses. Kasey jumps all over it and says "give us the roses and you will be safe. I guarantee it". Why would they even tell him? Just go behind their backs and turn everyone against them, so stupid!

Then everyone gathers and they announce their decision. They give the roses to...Kasey and Vienna!

What the fuck?!? God dammit, I am so angry right now. Why are these people so dumb? Nothing makes sense. I could give a shit about Kasey's stupid dying grandma, Ella needs to put a roof over her son's head, and Kirk needs the mold removed from his house.

Vienna makes fun of Ella for telling her sob story, and explains that she would never tell her story, and then proceeds to tell her story.

Blake and Holly make out at the house in front of Michael, that's a little rude. But also makes Michael go talk to Graham and cry about it, and talks Graham into voting out Blake. Dumb.

Blake finds out, and goes to Holly and pleads his case, so then she has to go talk Michael into keeping Blake! Yeah, that should go well. "Not only am I banging your arch enemy, I need you to keep him here another week so I can keep banging him". There's a conversation you never think you'll have to have.

I kind of like Blake and Holly as a couple though, they seem like they really like each other.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

It's all down to Holly, she's the deciding vote because Michael has left it in her hands. Her new boy toy, or single mom Ella and disease ridden Kirk?

And the couple going home is...BLAKE AND ERICA.

Nice job, dick. The Kasey guarantee isn't what you thought it was, huh? Retard.

Next week: the season finale. And I'm guessing it's 3 hours long. That's gonna be my real Labor day. Shit.