I Went to the R. Kelly Concert With My Mom

Last week I traveled up to Oakland to attend the R. Kelly concert with my mom. As you know, I am something of an R. Kelly connoisseur. I have been to many of his shows, so I was excited when my mom, an R. Kelly virgin (good Lord I hope that's true), got tickets and asked me to come up.

As a veteran, I had many expert tips to provide her in preparation for the show. Actually, it was just one: be ready to see a lot of fat black ladies.

We went straight from the airport to the Oakland Coliseum. The parking attendant directed us to some VIP parking right next to the arena, we're not sure why, but we assumed it had something to do with my mom being the only 60 year old white lady there.

When we walked in, my mom was stunned. Even though I had adequately warned her, she could not believe how right I was about the fat black ladies. But it wasn't just them, it was the outfits they were wearing. Tiny outfits. They are perfectly happy to let their third lady lump - their gut - stick out. Good for them.

We got to our seats and watched Keisha Cole and her awful wig do her thing. She's an Oakland native, so the crowd was fired up. After the 10th song about a man dogging her out, I started to get depressed. "Keisha Cole has a nice voice, but she is depressing as shit", I believe I said. Can't men just be good to the ladies? Damn!

Finally, it was R. time.

A black and white video played of R. in a 1950's style bar. An ex girlfriend approaches and begs him to take her back. He refuses. I'm not sure what this whole thing was about, but I think it had something to do with the fact that this was the "Love Letter" tour. You see, for R.'s latest album, he went retro. No bumping and grinding, no sex in the kitchen, no peeing on the face, it was good, clean, old school style love songs. And this girl was begging him to go back to his raunchy ways.

And R. had to put his foot down, he simply would not do it.

Then R. came out to thunderous applause. He did 2 songs from the Love Letter album, and then, much to everyone's delight, he completely abandoned the entire premise of the video and just started doing all of his old hits.

The thing is, R. has so many hits that he only does like a verse of each, which kind of sucks but is also kind of awesome, because you at least get to hear your favorite song, whichever that may be.

But as the show continued, and I stood next to my mom, it really started to set in that a majority of R. Kelly's songs involve eating a woman out. That's not something you want to sing along to with your mom next to you.

At one point, he was encouraging the ladies to toss their underwear, and I felt relieved that my mom wasn't making a move.



We pressed on. And R. did not disappoint, putting in 2 hours of hard work. He was sweating up a storm, probably because of the giant jacket he was wearing. He needs something that can breathe.

Anyway, it was a great night. Thanks to Mrs. Handleman, and more importantly, Kellz.