Anyway, here we go...
If I have to hear "dot dot dot" one more time, I'm gonna slap the dick out of Ames' mouth.
I don't know what's more pathetic, Ashley liking Bentley while he trashes her behind her back; or the fact that she thinks she's this in love with him after one week on a TV show.
Chris comes in and tells Ashley that Bentley is in Hong Kong. Ashley freaks out. And Chris says "dot dot dot", fuck me. Then he encourages her to "push him for details". Ashley has to be told how to talk to a guy by a TV host.
She goes to his hotel room and knocks on the door, he goes "who is it?" Ha.
Bentley continues his lying, and says "I told you if it doesn't work out you could come to Salt Lake". What a sweetheart. Yeah, if it doesn't work out with the 10 other guys you're free to come to the worst state in America.
Ashley pours her heart out to him, and he responds "I think you know where I'm at". And she so clearly doesn't. She gets a funny confused look on her face. He realizes he has to spell it out for this dummy, and tries to in the nicest way possible: "it doesn't look good for me and you".
She goes "so this is our period?" Stop it with that! Finally, she tells him to be a man and just tell her that he's not interested. Why would he do that when he takes such pleasure in mocking you?
Ashley asks him why he traveled all the way out there, he stumbles out a weak "I wanted to see you", but she says "you just wanted a vacay?" Duh.
Well, this sucked. No fireworks. At all. No big admission, no shit talking, just Bentley being a complete pussy.
And by the way, he reminded me of me. His whole speech is the exact way I used to break up with girls. It's the nicest way of saying I want nothing to do with you. But it's a real let down here, I mean, why, if you're the producers, would you not show her all the stuff Bentley had said. Then you'd have a real moment, with yelling and drama. They really, really dropped the ball on this whole thing, I cannot stress that enough.
Then, to make it even worse, they have Ashley interview to us that Bentley's "such a player...he disrespected me...fuck you, Bentley, I'm done with you!" I guarantee you that was filmed after she found out the real truth much later. Nothing Bentley said would cause her to say any of that, so fake, very upsetting. Fuck you, Bachelorette, I'm done with you!
Oh, no I'm not. Dammit. There's more show...
The first one on one date is with Lucas, the 50 year old street fighter. Have you noticed how bow legged Ashley is? Here's a picture of her:
They walk through a market, then go on a boat. Ashley asks if she's the type of girl he'd date. He says no, he's just here for the boat trip. Careful buddy, I don't think she's picking up on sarcasm at this point. Cause other dudes are literally saying she's not the type of girl they'd date.
Apparently, God has a plan for Lucas, and it involves getting divorced and all his family members dying and not getting a rose next week.
Since the good looking guy dumped her, Ashley tells Lucas that she's now looking for someone who is honest. Smart plan, lower those expectations.
Lucas asks for permission to kiss her. That's heat, people!
Group date. They are dragon boat racing. No idea what that is, but Ashley puts them in teams. And guess who partners up: Constantine and Ben, the identical twins. Where's Brad and Chad when you need them?
There's a whole lame thing where they have to go recruit people to help them row. It's best if we don't talk about it.
Ames takes Ashley into an elevator and delivers the most awkward kiss...in Bachelor history! Well, that oughta put those straight rumors to rest.
I'm so uncomfortable by their kissing I can barely stand it. He's clearly not used to kissing a beard, or kissing someone who doesn't have one.
Holy crap! That's followed up by another bad kiss, this time delivered by Ben. Jesus, he weirdly leaned in, hesitated, then leaned some more. You'd think by the age of 30 people would figure out how kissing works, but not on this show.
Here's my lock of the week: when Ben gets eliminated, he will cry like a baby. He thinks he's the one right now, and he so isn't. She's dumping him as soon as she realizes he's not Constantine, which might be never.
It looks like they stole some of those quotes from the guys that we though were about Bentley showing up, and were actually about how much everyone hates Ryan.
Ashley gives Ryan the rose on the group date. I'm sorry, but Ames' gayness has overshadowed him the last few episodes, but Ryan is highly questionable. Just the way he hopped off the couch and said "Shush!" when she brought the rose. He makes Ryan Seacrest look like John Wayne.
Final one on one date is with JP. Another solo date for him? What's the point? It should be with someone who is on the fence. Why aren't I producing this show? At minimum I should be a consultant. Someone get Team Handleman on the phone.
There's no way in hell that JP is 4 years older than Lucas, it's not possible. He hints at the prospect of getting down on one knee, and Ashley, poor, low self esteem no confidence at all Ashley, says "is it because you feel something or you're putting up a front?" Who let ya down, Ashley? Oh yeah, Bentley, and William, and America.
Ashley finally wakes up and realizes that JP is the best guy there, or at least the best guy she can get. Well it's about time. So what does she do? She attempts to sabotage it by immediately telling him that she saw Bentley. Self destructive one, she is.
She puts a whole different spin on her and Bentley's meeting to JP, it's none of that "fuck you, Bentley" talk. It's more about closure. Exactly. She doesn't hate Bentley...yet.
JP appreciates her honesty. These two are made for each other, but only because they both don't think very highly of themselves. I mean, JP actually believes this is the best he can do.
Cocktail party. Ashley says "I feel good about telling everyone about Bentley since JP took it so well..." I feel like that statement is going to completely backfire.
And right on cue, she gives a big speech about Bentley, and really lays it on thick about how much she loved him, and surprisingly, the guys don't take too kindly to that. Jeez guys, what's the matter, you don't like hearing about how the girl you love totally loves someone else and isn't even thinking about you? Get over it, jerks.
The guys turn on her, and it's glorious. Lucas asks "why didn't you tell us sooner?" And Constantine "you said you left your past relationships behind!"
Blake does some quick math and basically says "well, obviously he dumped you, so..." Nice.
She did not expect that. Finally something enjoyable this episode.
Ashley gets upset and walks away. The guys start talking amongst themselves about how Bentley definitely dropped her ass, and now she's coming to them because she's been completely rejected.
Constantine and Lucas are the most pissed. Constantine keeps saying "she's wasting our time!" Blake: "she's saying Bentley was my first choice, but now he's gone so i'll pick from you guys". Yep.
Not a good dress for Ashley. The word is boxy.
Blake makes her cry. Ah, girls. Their ultimate weapon in all fights. She's the asshole, then she sheds a tear, and suddenly you're the asshole. Tough to combat that.
Mickey gets her alone and says "you lied to us". This sorta feels like it's more about some of these guys (Blake and Mickey in particular) realizing that there's no way she likes them. The guys who are feeling the love - JP, Ryan - couldn't care less about this Bentley reveal. The only different one is Lucas, who isn't happy for the right reasons.
Mickey tells her he doesn't want to be there and just walks the hell out! That had nothing to do with Bentley, that was a saving face move. The last person you want dumping you on national TV is Ashley.
She cries some more.
Constantine says something kinda funny, basically that "it's a tough pill to swallow" when you're a Bachelor and people walk out on you. Yeah, that's not supposed to happen.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
BEN - and he also won at Wimbledon today
CONSTANTINE - I'd say she has a type, and it involves long flowing locks
AMES - her instincts are still spot on
Well, looks like Blake was too hard on her. He should've pulled a Mickey and taken the first paddle boat out of there.
Next week: it's all downhill from here, but at least Ames is still around for laughs.
My prediction: Ryan gets eliminated and then shows up for the finale to win her back and is rejected. JP and Ben in the final 2, with JP the "winner".
Goodnight!
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