The guys are flying to a different city in Thailand. Ryan says the excitement isn't wearing off and it never will. Yeah dude, that's kinda why everyone hates you.
Meanwhile, Ames tells us all about the new city they're going to and how it's the perfect place to go on dates. Okay Ames, but I don't think Ashley is gonna like the same places that 12 year old boys do. But it's nice to see that we've picked up right where we left off from last episode.
Oh, this is the vaunted "2 on 1" episode - where 2 guys go on a date with Ashley and only 1 returns. The Bachelor always builds this up. But before we get to that, the first solo date is with...
Constantine. Just kidding, it's his identical twin, Ben F. Many are claiming he is a dead ringer for Rafa Nadal, but I think he's more like a young Constantine.
They go look at ruins together, which might as well represent Ashley's self esteem at this point.
Ashley claims that she just wants to "jump on him". Then she says "everything with Ben is so comfortable, it feels like he's been my boyfriend for a long time". Ooh, nothing spells passion like "comfortable" and "long term relationship". Put Fabio on that book jacket and you've got a summer read to masturbate to.
Ben starts talking about his wine making and picking grapes in the field...so basically he's a migrant worker. But didn't he admit a few episodes ago that he's like, an assistant or something? The point is, he's not Francis Ford Fucking Coppola. He gets coffee for a living, and in his spare time picks a few grapes just so he has something cool to tell girls.
Also, his dad died.
Ben gets the rose, and then a bunch of Thai girls come out with fire and finally we get some hotties on this show! Joe Torre should be able to walk out of the dugout right now, tap his right arm, and have one of these asian girls come in and relieve Ashley of her Bachelorette duties.
Group date. It looks like it will involve some Muy Thai boxing. Good thing there's no chance of Ashley getting hit in the boobs. That is an impossible small target.
The rest of the guys look like their ready for Rocky 7, but Ames has no idea how to fight. He kicks a punching bag and falls. It's sad. Then they flash to the guys doing push ups with little Asian men straddling their back, it's a quick shot but I swear Ames was erect.
Then they pick out their boxing gear, and Ames gets stuck with pink shorts, pink gloves, and pink socks. And by gets stuck I mean gets the exact ones he wants.
The guys have to fight each other. And they don't look too bad. Lucas, who earlier claimed he's been in his share of "street fights", gets his ass kicked by Blake. I think Blake's been in his share of real fights.
Next up, Mickey vs. JP. JP gets whooped, and then in an incredible turnaround, loses his mind and goes upside Mickey's head. It's awesome. JP is the million dollar baby.
And then it's Ryan vs. Ames, gay vs. even gayer! Ames' fighting style can best be described as floating like a butterfly, stings like Ricky Martin. Ames gets rocked with a bunch of right hands, those aren't the shots to the face he's used to taking in Thailand.
Finally, it's Nick vs. Constantine. They don't show us much, because everyone is concerned that Ames might be seriously fucked up (though they show that Constantine won, which is surprising because Nick is a monster).
An ambulance is called and Ames goes to a hospital. Well, thank God, if there's one thing that Thailand is known for, it's health care. That, and man/boy anal love.
Ames rejoins the date later that night. He's okay, but he does have a lisp. Was that there before?
Funny scene with Ashley and Lucas. She keeps trying to get him to show her how to swing a golf club. She turns around and backs into him, and he's like, "no, turn around and watch me". And she keeps trying to get him to do the "put your arms around me" thing, and seems completely uninterested.
Then Ashley says "Lucas is pretty smooth with the ladies, he gave me a golf lesson tonight and I was pretty turned on". Um, you initiated the whole thing. He wanted nothing to do with it.
She's still talking about Bentley.
Ashley gives Blake the rose. I guess she's looking for guys who are good at hitting other guys. Jim Lampley would be proud. Blake is kind of a weird dude. Seriously, the only guy that seems normal to me at all is JP. Everyone else has major question marks.
The two on one is with William and Ben C. Yeah, bye bye, William. You don't come back from telling the girl you wish she was someone else. But at least your comedy career is on its way!
William tells Ashley "I'm not gonna throw Ben under the bus or anything..." and then, of course, throws him under the bus. He claims that Ben is ready to go home and that he's looking forward to "the dating websites when he gets out of here". I don't even know what that means. He can't wait to go on eharmony? No one gets excited for that, that's what you do when everything else hasn't worked.
Dumbass Ashley tells William "I know you're not saying that out of malice". I'm telling you, my Costanza theory about her holds up. Everything she thinks is the opposite of right.
And what does she do? She just immediately tells Ben to leave without asking him about the accusations. She walks him off, and he is clearly pissed. He's very worked up, and tells her that it's very upsetting, and he's been betrayed, and he was joking around. And I believe him. Ashley gets even more defiant and tells him to leave. God damn, this idiot.
William is an evil bastard. But keep in mind, many of the great standup comedians have personal problems.
What did people say before they said "a whole new level"?
Whoa. Ashley announces that she doesn't it feel it anymore for William. Ah, so she was using this date to get rid of him, and then he flipped it on Ben, and now she has to get rid of both. And the Bachelor loses another comedy legend.
On William's trail of tears to the Thailand airport, he basically says that he's going to kill himself. I'm not making that up. He might be dead right now.
Poor Ashley, she's depressed. She thinks the process isn't going to work. Why? Because her perfect man, Bentley, the guy who finds her repulsive, isn't there. She hates all of these guys, probably because they like her.
And right on cue, Ashley talks to Constantine and tells him she likes him because he was honest and said "I don't like you as much as the other guys". Ha! Then she asks him, "do you feel closer to the guys than me?" And he goes, "naturally". She eats it up.
Ashley says she needs closure with Bentley. I think the closure was when he left the show. She tells Chris Harrison, "I know you're not gonna be happy with me". Makes you wonder what else has been said. Like the producers have been yelling at her, "forget about Bentley! He's gone! Stick with Ames! You have so much in common! You both hate who you really are!"
It's so funny, she keeps going, "something is telling me there was something so real with Bentley!" How has she not killed herself while watching these episodes yet?
Chris asks "how do we put this to rest for good?" Um, how about you just tell her how Bentley hates her and left cause he couldn't stand looking at her anymore? You have the answers! Just tell her. Shit.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
CONSTANTINE - I thought she already gave him a rose, oh yeah, that was Ben
LUCAS - he'll stay as long as he doesn't have to touch her
JP - you're too good for her, man!
AMES - her instincts are on fire, as always
MICKEY - he's strange
RYAN - the excitement hasn't dimmed!
The buff blonde guy, Nick, is toast. No surprise there. His biggest downfall was that he likes women. That's a no no with Ashley.
Next week: Hong Kong. And the confrontation with Bentley (which they teased was this week, in a bullshit move). And the guys revolt! Now this is something to look forward to. Finally!
Good night.
FYI: I'll be at the Chuckle Hut next week opening for William.
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