Ashley the Bachelorette No One Wanted, Ep 3

Will this be the episode that saves the season? Howard Stern said today that he's already seen this episode and the next, and that tonight our "minds will be blown". Pretty bold statement.

At the very least, we are going to see some dickery. Let's begin...

Ben gets the one on one date, and I swear I've never seen him in my life. He's a lawyer from New Orleans. I wonder if his last name is Franklin or Bash.

Oh boy. They're hipping it up! They're going to do a flash mob, cause that's what the kids are into these days. Where's Howie Mandel, the arbiter of all things young and cool and germ free?

Before that happens, we have to watch more dancing from Ashley. We get it, she's a dancer. Except when she's a dentist and that's all she can focus on and can't have relationships.

Then they go to an outdoor mall and start doing the dance, and then everyone joins in and Ben supposedly has no idea this was going to happen. And they're all doing it and it's lame and just like Oprah except for with Far East Movement and not Black Eyed Peas. On next week's episode: Ashley gives away cars to the guys and fucks Gayle King.

And then for some reason, Far East Movement is there and they sing a different song. But they just danced to their song and they were nowhere to be found. Very odd. Not good producing.

While they're singing, Ben is totally trying to dance and Ashley seemingly has no interest in dancing at all. Maybe cause she's really a dentist.

Later that night, they have dinner on the roof of a hotel or something. Ashley asks him what he's looking for, and he says "I wanna live in a bubble with somebody, I wanna live in some unrealistic, idealistic bubble where we are convinced that we are more in love than any other couple that ever lived". Ah, youth.

And he sounds even crazier when he says it then can be translated in the typed out words. He's all intense and self helpy about it. I guess he doesn't realize that people who are in relationships like that usually end up sending photos of their penis to everyone with a Twitter account.

Ben is a tall guy with a square jaw, but a pure dork in every way. He's not normal, he's a weirdo. He's not going home tonight, but he'll get dumped in a few weeks and won't see it coming, because he is living in a fairy tale world with himself.

They do one of those kisses where they just smush their lips together for an uncomfortably long time. That's not a kiss, that's just lip bumping, subtle difference there.

The next day. Ashley comes over for the group date. Jeff the Mask grabs her for some alone time. It's so funny how everything Jeff the Mask is saying is supposedly what girls want yet it is so obviously the opposite of what girls want.

He finally takes the mask off, and they build it up in a very dramatic, semi jokey way. But the best part is right after he takes it off, he says "Hi, I'm Jeff". Like he's now a totally different person, when the reality is he looks exactly as everyone knew he looked.

On the group date, they go to the Comedy Store. Jeff the Unmasked says "behind that mask is some gutsy humor". Ha! Gutsy humor. That's the line of the night for some reason. You know what would be even more gutsy? Showing girls your face.

"Roastmaster General" Jeffrey Ross comes out and announces that they are going to roast Ashley. I've been doing that for the past 3 weeks, Jeff Ross.

Important note: Ashley is wearing a shirt that is unbuttoned at the top, and she has absolutely zero boobs. Zero. Chaz Bono style.

Oh shit, William is so fired up for this. Remember, he wants to be a standup. He thinks this is his big opportunity, and that Ross is gonna open up all these doors for him. I hate him so much.

Ames, like Robert Pattinson, has a midget head.

Lucas goes first and doesn't roast Ashley at all. Very smart. He does an Ames joke though, which was "when is your forehead going to give birth".

After some other guys, it's Jeff the Unmasked's turn. He opens with a zinger: he reaches down on the floor and goes "Ashley, I just picked up your tits". Ashley interviews "I know I have small boobs, I am aware, so if they want to make fun of it, it's fair game". Good to know, but I was doing it before I even knew I had her permission

Then the rest of the guys chime in with the small boobs jokes, very enjoyable. With that shirt, she was kinda asking for it.

Whoa, they bleep the word "douchebag"? That's a swear word now? Guess I can't write for ABC. Check another network off the list.

Finally, it's William's turn. Mr. Standup Comedian. "I thought I was signing up to be with Emily or Chantal...really, who gives a shit?" Was that even a joke? Someone yells "too soon!" Well, he's not getting Ashley now, but at least he has that big standup career to fall back on.

Bentley says about William: "I feel the same way, but that was bad".

And here come the waterworks! Ashley breaks down and cries. Bentley sees her crying and says "I'm not gonna miss an opportunity to mess with her head". So he goes over to pretend comfort her. He knows this is gonna be on TV, right?

Ashley tells him that her biggest insecurity was that the guys wanted Emily and not her. Ding ding ding. Bentley tells her she's out of her mind and she's the greatest. Of course, she falls for it hook line and sinker because she's desperate.

I love how many times Ashley has said "the small boob thing" tonight.

William gets Ashley alone, and defends himself by saying that he wasn't thinking of her and her feelings, he was just trying to make other people laugh. Good one! Women love hearing that, or at least that's what I tell myself after I make a joke that crosses the line.

I can't believe a roast hurt someone's feelings. They're supposed to encourage high self esteem.

William tells her that he can't make her feel better and she should talk to the other guys. That's a new one. Then he walks out and starts roaming skid row in downtown Los Angeles. He'll probably meet a lot of other failed stand up comedians down there. I think I see Dice Clay.

Okay, time out for a second. Do the producers acknowledge they seriously fucked this up, or do they think this is good for the show? There's never been talk on this show about "do you wish someone else is here?" It's always been about pumping the bachelor/bachelorette up and making them seem like the greatest. Isn't this whole thing exposing how stupid a choice Ashley was? Or are they pretending it's on purpose for this drama?

Ashley gets Bentley alone again. She reveals that someone told her - Michelle Money (as we suspected) - that Bentley was here for the wrong reasons. Bentley explains that Michelle knows his ex-wife and that she's not a great source of information. That's his explanation. It doesn't take much with this girl.

Ashley: "After talking to Bentley, I believe every word he says..." Good instincts.

In even worse instincts, Ashley gives the rose to Ryan, the obviously gay guy.

My copilot informs me that Ashley was wearing the same top last week. She also says Ashley has "the worst fake eyelashes ever". So make of that what you will.

The next day, Bentley decides that he doesn't want to be here anymore. But he didn't even get to promote his vaunted business! He packs up and informs the other dudes. He tells them it's because of his daughter, and the other guys say he's "a good dad". Bentley is proud of his deceit over the guys, even though there's no reason for them to believe anything else.

Bentley heads down to Ashley's house to tell her the news. "I'm going to make Ashley cry...I hope my hair looks okay". Again, does he know women around the country are going to see this? Seems like bad form. Maybe this is Wes' fault, cause he was a dick, and then Gia still liked him on the Bachelor Pad. Gia ruined this for everyone. I knew it could be her fault somehow.

Bentley: "Emily is such a standout, so breathtakingly beautiful that Ashley can only look like an ugly duckling to me". Well, after watching Brad and his gorgeous chest all last season, I feel the same way about you.

Bentley doesn't even say anything, Ashley just says "you're leaving?" and looks really upset. Then he sits down and semi cries while talking about his daughter, much like Weiner talking about his weiner today. You cannot trust men, ladies. We can cry just as good as you can, that's our secret weapon. That and not having souls.

Ashley cries and is like "I'm not going to be able to forget about you!". Oh, she is not having fun watching this at home right now.

Bentley: "It's annoying to just hold a girl that's crying...and crying...and crying. I had already checked out". Gotta be honest, I've been there.

Might be time to mention here that the Bachelor once kicked a girl out for flirting with a producer. It's interesting that they don't have the decency to tell Ashley that this dude is lying to her face. She has a right to be pissed.

For the good of the show, they should show her what he's been saying in the interviews. That would be good TV, and help the other guys out.

I hate the way Bentley talks, it's somewhere between a mumble and an even bigger mumble. Half the time I think I'm listening to Pootie Tang.

Ashley goes and cries on her bed, "why?! Why this?!"

Come on, you were told he had no interest in you. Doesn't that pop into your brain? The one guy you were warned about happens to bail when you think everything is good? You'd have to at least consider it. No boobs and no brains, not a good combination.

JP comes over for their date. Ashley is still upset and doesn't think they can have a good time. Isn't it interesting how some people have no idea what's actually good for them? She should be stepping her game for JP, because he is way better than Bentley. But instead she's sobbing over the guy who has been shitting on her for the last hour.

Ashley asks if they can wear sweats and get cozy. She comes out in sweats and bad glasses, and says "thanks for letting myself look like this in front of you". She should've said that to America in the first episode. Something has to be wrong with JP that he's accepting this behavior.

Chris Harrison gets some alone time with Ashley. He tries to get Ashley to say that it was just "the idea of Bentley" that she loved. Uh, no. She actually loved him. He's dancing around it, but dude, you know the truth! Tell her! Insane.

Ashley is like, "there's no closure, it's open ended". Chris says "that's such a guy thing to say". Ashley: "It is?" Ha. Chris is trying to tell her that Bentley isn't that good and the other guys are great. Again, fucking say it. This makes no sense at all. Are they gonna let Jimmy Kimmel get the scoop on this? Why? Put the good content from your show ON YOUR SHOW!

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

Instead of a dress, Ashley decided to wear some tinfoil tonight.

CONSTANTINE - here's to staying under the radar!

WEST - didn't speak a word this episode

MICKY - a weird man

BEN F. - let's be honest, she doesn't know the difference between him and Constantine, and neither do we

BLAKE - riding the dentist thing all way to the semis

NICK - the platinum blonde

AMES - midget head

LUCAS - will be gone next week

WILLIAM - a second chance at love...and comedy

Well, I guess this proves one thing: always leave the mask on. Your face will just ruin everything.

Chris is also gone. He was the 25 year old. So I think she just get rid of the youngest guy and the oldest guy, but I still suspect that Lucas is 50.

As a final punctuation, Jeff the Unmasked throws his mask into the fire. Aw. I'm gonna miss that mask. Not Jeff though, still glad he's gone.

Next week: Ashley is in a bathing suit a lot. Which raises the question: should she allowed to go topless unblurred? There's nothing to see there.

Good night.

Oh, and one last shot of Jeff on the toilet with the mask on. Never gets old.