Bachelor Pad, Season 3. Ep 5

I got some time tonight to finally watch The Pad! Since I'm watching it, might as well do this:

Lipless is in a world of hurt. His friends have betrayed him. And without a miracle, he's going home tonight. He yells at Kalon and Ed, demanding to know why they lied to him. Their answer: "we pretty much hate you". Sounds about right.

He dumps Blakely as his partner and goes with Sarah. Blakely is now with Tony. 

The competition this week is a race that is basically ripped straight from the movie "Meatballs". It just doesn't matter! Chris attempts a "burn" by saying that Blakely should win "cause she's worked at Hooters the last 35 years". It should be a good line, but coming from him it just sounds lame. Probably because he's lame.

They have to stack cups and saucers and walk back and forth. It's sorta like two girls, one cup, except for I'd rather swallow shit then watch Jaclyn do anything.

Sarah gets disqualified for illegally touching the cups. Cups are the least offensive thing she's been touching at the Pad. Blakely wins. But the real winner is Hooters, their training does work. And it's a double burn on Chris, because that used to be his partner.

Now the guys go. Blakely turns into Vince Lombardi and coaches Tony every step of the way and it's really annoying. But it works. Tony wins. I don't get it, just hearing her voice make my hands shake and gives me the dry heaves.

They each get to go on a date. But Blakely picks Tony to go on hers, so now a different guy gets the other date. Blakely decides. And she gives the date rose to Kalon.

Blakely says the word "overnight" makes her think of "jets and helicopters and Vegas...who knows, we could have jet packs to take us to a private island". Hey, she was a VIP waitress, don't ever forget that. 

Kalon and Lindzi go on their date, which Blakely is jealous of, and they drive a Bentley to a bridge. The bridge is shut down for them and they have dinner out there. Nothing more romantic then the smell of exhaust and commute. Only someone not in LA would think having a date on a freeway would be awesome, I spend every dinner hour in stop and go traffic and I've never once had a nice meal and a blow job.

By the way, not sure what bridge it is, but it's not the one Tony Scott jumped off of. And that reminds me, if I do anything crazy in the next few days, I assure you it's not because I have an inoperable brain tumor. So get your facts straight, ABC.

READER QUESTION: I've been bad about answering some comments, and I just remembered a question I recieved: Irwin, why do you think Rachel is hot? I don't get it. The bangs alone...

I've said it many times, the bangs are awful and a poor decision. I'll give you that. However, keep in mind her body is amazing. Easily the best at the house. Also keep in mind: everyone else at the house is horrible looking! She looks great in comparison!

Funny. Tony calls Blakely "the hottest girl in the house". He's totally into her. What the hell? Has he not been paying attention? He's clearly been thinking about his kid too much.

Also funny. Tony gets the date box, and there are keys in it. Tony throws them to Kalon and goes "hey, are these helicopter keys?" And Kalon examines them very carefully, and says "no".

The other people in the house are guessing what their date could be. And someone goes, "it's probably in the Caribbean". Um, that's a 6 hour flight away, don't think that's happening.

It should be noted how high Tony's voice is. Can't wait to see how high it'll get once Blakely gets those chompers around his nuts.

There's a "gag", and I use that term loosely, where Tony and Blakely's date involves a shitty car, and then a trip out to a trailer park. Blakely is sad...mostly because she lives in a trailer park.

Blakely pretends like she doesn't care because it's all about "who you're with". Yeah, except she hasn't even talked to Tony until she turned into Phil Jackson at the cup race.

Blakely starts blathering about how guys have screwed her over, etc. Tony says, "I think you've been with the wrong guys. IRWIN'S ADVICE: If you ever find yourself needing to say to a girl, "you've been with the wrong guys", RUN. No, she hasn't been with the wrong guys. She is the wrong girl. It's her fault. This is never not true.

Tony goes to the car and turns on the radio and guess what song magically plays? "Love Don't Come Easy" by Wes!!! Oh my God, please. Stop.

Very funny sequence as they show Blakely and Tony making out, Chris and Sarah making out, Michael and Rachel making out, and Ed passed out drunk and Jaclyn sadly rubbing his head.

Tony is about to announce who he is giving his rose to, and just before he announces it, Chris interrupts. This is his go to move. He takes Tony outside and twists his arm about giving it to Sarah.

Instead, Tony listens to his dick, instead of that dick, and gives the rose to Jaclyn. Blakely rightly calls him "a domesticated man".

Harrison comes in to talk to everyone. For some reason, Ed totally disses his partner Jaclyn. She thought they were a real couple, Ed says it's not so.

Harrison says it's time to shake things up. Tonight everyone will vote for one woman to leave. The woman who receives the most votes then gets to pick one guy to eliminate as well. Things have been shaken!

Lipless is stoked. It at least gives him a better shot than he had before. For some reason, they're all convinced that if Sarah gets voted out, she'll take out Michael. And since he's Mr. Untouchable, no one wants to do that. Not sure how he convinced everyone to think this way, but he did it.

So now Michael is trying to get everyone to vote out Erica, thinking she'll take out Chris. But if she finds out about this plan, then he will be gone. Stupidly, he immediately tells Kalon his plan.

Michael starts getting cocky about how well his plan is going. And Chris is confused as to how this is all happening. But after talking to Kalon, he gets a brilliant idea:

He takes Erica into the voting room with him and shows her that he is not voting for her.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

It's down to Lindzi vs. Erica. And the woman with the most votes is...

ERICA.

Michael is fucked. Amazing how this game can turn around, isn't it? Michael breezed through this. He was in the power position!

The boom is lowered: Erica chooses Michael.

5 minutes ago, Erica declared Michael to be her close friend. Now she is going off on him, and telling him that it makes sense that Holly dumped him and married Blake. Ouch.

Next week: the spelling bee episode! I promise this will be awesome.