Bachelor Pad. Season 3, Ep 3

I'll be honest, I'm barely doing these recaps at this point. Hopefully I will feel better about this show after the closing ceremonies.

Reid is scared his plot to eliminate Ed is going to get back to him. Sarah still doesn't understand how she voted for Ed. You see, you took his picture, and dropped it in the box. That's how it happened. Pretty simple, really. Watching this, I feel bad for the Obama and Romney campaigns - these are your voters, and even they don't know who they vote for and why.

The competition today is an obstacle course. It is a couple's event. It's called Hot Sludge Fundae. They have to climb through ice cream and hot fudge and whip cream. Erica should kill this event!

But there's a catch: they don't get to choose their partner. It's assigned randomly. Jamie is bummed cause she got stuck with Ed the drunk.

Kalon is partnered with Erica, and he steals my joke. He says he feels confident because Erica can probably just "eat her way through it, Pac-Man style". I'm telling you, guys, Kalon is growing on me! Let's be real here, pure evil plays much better on the Pad.

The girls go first, then hand it off to the guys for the closing leg. Predictably, Jamie is first, leaving Ed to try and finish it off. If they made this ice cream Irish, Ed would win for sure.

In the end, it comes down to David and Michael, and it's too close to call. They have to review the tape. I think they should just declare Allyson Felix the winner (Olympic trials joke!).

Somehow, Ed takes the lead Jamie gave him and finishes in LAST PLACE. Wow. He might as well have been Ryan Lochte out there.

Ed says "this is the worst thing that ever happened to me". Seriously? Dude, there is way worse suffering in the world, which you should know since you had sex with Jillian.

They review the footage in the truck and declare David and Rachel the winner. Everyone is now concerned about David being a "threat". Jaclyn says he studied the game "for 10 years. Before it even existed!" Oh, Jaclyn. Please shut up. And stop looking like that.

Blakely immediately tries to work David, and claims that she hooked him up last week. Sorry Crazy, but you didn't give him the rose so you really didn't do shit. But he goes for it and picks her for the date. He also chooses Erica (!), even though she hates him. Strategery. And finally, he picks Jamie, which is stupid because she and Blakely are mortal enemies. Then again, he has studied this for 10 years, so maybe he's just doing it for drama.

This got me thinking...who would I choose for a date? Obviously, Donna is a number one pick, for "physical reasons". I think I would choose Blakely, just because you know she would give me a hand job for a rose. Every other girl is tied for last after that. Wait. Sorry. Rachel is in, definitely.

Their date is at the prom. Jamie is so happy because she didn't get to go to her prom. She knows it's not a real prom, right? And Blakely is there.

Back at the house, Reid attempts to "play" Ed. And he does. Which is about as impressive as USA basketball beating Nigeria.

For some reason, Sarah is shocked to see Ed hooking up with Jaclyn. Um, they've been hooking up the whole time, you can't miss Ed's victory screams when he bangs her. Or maybe that's just his reaction when he sees her naked.

On the date, all the girls want the rose. But Jamie is willing to go the extra mile. She cries. And stupid ass David gives her the rose. But he studied this!

Blakely keeps saying David "owes his loyalty to me". NO HE DOESN'T! She is bat shit crazy. Maybe the hand job isn't worth it. But that's why it's a hand job, you can't worry about the arm attached to it.

For Rachel's date, she picks Michael, Tony, and my boy Nick. They go to a wax museum. Tony tells us he's from Portland, so he can't believe he's around all of these celebrites...made of wax. And also, he has a kid. Never forget that, Tony has a kid.

They have to get dressed up as wax figures and fool Bachelor fans. The best part is when the fans don't know who Tony is and call him pathetic. But then they remember that he has a kid.

Back at the house, in a sad and completely awful display, Jamie embarrasses herself while talking about how much she likes Chris. It's really, really bad. Then she finds Chris in bed, and he goes "not tonight". Ha. Sad.

Jamie yells at Chris about how much she's pursuing him. I don't think she understands what is happening here. He doesn't like you! I know it's hard to believe, but a lot of people don't.

Jamie: "I could've made it happen, that's what I've done my whole life..." WHAT?! Then she cries, "I really want a family". How does a girl as attractive as Jamie get this pathetic? Strange. She's really terrible.

For the second week in a row, in an act of pure insanity, Sarah TELLS Ed that the alliance, including her, is going to vote him out. Out of nowhere, her and Jamie have emerged as captains of the all stupid team. This is nuts. Bitch, he slept with Jaclyn the night after sleeping with you!

No genius himself, Ed immediately confronts Reid about this. All of these people should've gotten into their pajamas, drank some wine, and studied all of this with David for the last 10 years.

Blakely says she's a "Scorpio, so I will sting the fuck out of you...in retrospect".

The dueling alliance's are telling their people that they are completely safe. One side is telling Blakely she is fine. The other side, my precious Donna. Someone is wrong. It's weird how confident both sides are, but it appears that Kalon is the swing vote.

Donna laments leaving without fucking someone first. So she grabs the first guy she sees - Nick - and makes out with him. You see?! This is Bachelor Pad behavior. This is what you're supposed to do. Bravo, Donna. Bravo.

Kalon enjoys all of this, because he "holds people's fate in his hands". Okay, he might be a serial killer. "I can enjoy the rest of the evening and watch people's lives crumble before my eyes". Okay, he's definitely a serial killer.

Jaclyn has a bruise on her leg that is bigger than my head. That's how big the bruise is, and also how big her leg is.

They're trying to make Ed sympathetic, and Reid a bad guy. But let's face the facts: Ed sucks. He cheated on Jillian a thousand times, every week he starts with a vote against him - making him the obvious target to get voted out. You can't root for the idiots in this show. It's all about the smart sluts. But at least Ed has the slut part locked down.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

It's Ed vs. Reid, and Donna vs. Blakely. 

Going home are...

DONNA and REID.

Shit. This show just got a little less interesting. I hope that the lesser alliance realizes that Kalon and Lindzi are assholes, and can do something about it...in retrospect.

Reid: "Bachelor Pad is a sick and deceptive place". That's coming from the most deceptive guy. 

Donna: "I would never thought a guy would vote me off. When I'm not around in my bikini they're gonna be pissed". I concur.

Next week: everybody hates Chris.