Hot Yoga

I tried hot yoga recently. Someone told me it's a good idea to stand near the windows, especially if you're new, so I did. And that's when I realized how old I am.

Cause I'm standing by the windows, doing the yoga, it's all well and good. But here's the problem: I have absolutely no attention span. And this shit is BORING. It's so stupid hot that all of the movements are all minimal and slow. I'm not a details man. I need movement. And someone yelling at me for more movement.

This was all quiet and focused. My mind was racing. Thinking of a million things OTHER than my breathing and if I should push myself to get my nose to touch my dick. Finally, the dude comes over and opens the windows to let some air in. 

Now, I recently had some work done at my house. Replaced some windows. So as he's opening the windows, this is what's going through my brain:

"Are those Milgards? The Tuscany? Gotta be the Tuscany. Double paned. Wait, no, single paned. No, they're definitely double paned, for sure, the Tuscany. That's a good window. Must be cause of the heat and keeping the place quiet. Any good window man would've recommended the Milgard Tuscany in this situation. Strong choice".

That's when you know your youth has died. When you're thinking windows in a room full of half naked women, it's time to contemplate burial plots.

But anyway, I'm not gonna go back and do hot yoga again. It's not because of the windows. It's not because of the heat. Hell, I used to live in Arizona, it actually felt a little chilly in that room to me. Nope, the reason I'm not going back is for one simple reason:

The Hot Yoga Teacher's body.

The Hot Yoga Teacher was a dude, a little younger than me. And we're all doing this class in basically our underwear. There's nothing to hide. And this guy, who is an expert, and presumably does this yoga every day, and can do all of the poses perfectly, his body just ain't that good.

He wasn't fat. It was just a lot of nothing. Girls aren't fucking this guy for his body. Maybe for his flexibility, I'll give you that. But not for the body. 

So if I do a million classes, the best I'll do is this guy? No, thanks. I'll think about windows on my lying on my couch, like any respectable old person.