Argo F--- Yourself

SPOILERS AHEAD ABOUT "ARGO"

"Argo" is out, and it is getting rave reviews. I saw it on Saturday...and I'm not too sure about it. It's a solid movie, certainly not bad, but there were things about it that just didn't make sense to me. And if I'm about anything, I'm about things making sense. That's why I can't like a movie like "The Master" or "Ted".

Before I explain my problems with the movie, let me be clear about something: I'm not trying to be a contrarian. Everyone is loving this movie, and I'm not criticizing it just to be different. I hate when people do that. I love Ben Affleck, you know I loved The Town, and I absolutely wanted to love this movie. But as I sat in the theater, there were a bunch of things nagging at me about it.

A lot of this is probably because it is based on a true story. But because it's a true story there are all sorts of real life, important details that can't be included in the 2 hour running time. So those get cut. And more of those get cut. And still more. And now all of the sudden you have something that doesn't really make sense.

What are my issues? Let's start with the plot of the movie:

Iranians storm the US embassy. They take 66 Americans hostage. 6 escape and go to the Canadian Ambassador's house.

The 66 hostages in the Embassy are tortured. The 6 with the Canadians live fairly comfortably, though they're not allowed to go outside (but neither were the 66, I assume).  And what is this movie about?

It's about saving...the 6! The 6 who are having nice dinners and hanging out and talking about politics. The 66? Well, nothing we can do about them.

Right off the bat, you can see that this is a weird story to tell. We're not saving the people being tortured, we're getting the people that live next to them! That is a little difficult to swallow as a premise. Talk about setting the bar low.

How can we feel good about success when their are 66 people left behind? It's a hollow victory, at best. 

Okay, next: The Hollywood Connection.

To save the 6 people, many ideas are floated. They are all absurd and deemed impossible. Ben Affleck's character comes up with the idea to make a fake Canadian movie. A science fiction film that would need locations similar to those found in Iran. Then he'll go into Iran pretending to be the movie's producer, get the 6, give them identities as Canadians who are working on the movie, and then fly out of the country.

To set up this fake Canadian movie, Ben flies to Hollywood. Hollywood, Canada? No! Hollywood, America. Wait a minute, what happened to that whole "Canadian movie" thing?

Second, are they reading Variety in Iran? Is a full table read necessary? We really need to go to these great lengths to fool these people into believing this is an actual movie? Who are they, Nikki Finke? Is there a Mahmoud Finke?

The most ridiculous aspect of all of this comes at the end. The "hostages" and Ben are at the airport. The airport security guy, who looks and acts like a Persian Charles Manson, dials a phone number given to him by Ben Affleck.

The number goes to a phone in the production office in Hollywood for the movie. Tension mounts as we wonder if the Hollywood guys will answer the phone and confirm that this is a movie.

Okay. Iranians know what movies are being produced, but they don't know a United States area code?

Also, how about just giving the number to the CI fucking A in Langley and tell the boys there to pick up and say "Argo"? You really need a whole office and idiot Hollywood types manning those phones?

None of this makes sense! It's completely and utterly ridiculous! Why do you need to go to all of this trouble. The phone number could go to anywhere. Anyone could pick up.

The filmmakers clearly try to buy back this whole Hollywood idea at the end when they have one of the hostages start showing the storyboards and describing the movie. There are a million simpler ways for this cover story to be achieved than having a whole table read and everything else. Besides, the guy who spins the yarn at the airport wasn't even in Hollywood learning this. He picked up the story in about a day.

Now, remember those crazy ideas they had before this movie thing that they decided couldn't work? One of them was to get the hostages bicycles, and then have them ride to the border. We are told that this is craziness because the border is 300 miles away.

But here's the thing: Ben Affleck picks up the hostages in a van! How about just driving to the border? If they thought bikes had a chance, wouldn't a van work even better?

Finally, the ending. The ending of "Argo" ended in exactly the same way that every single episode of "The Amazing Race" ends.

The team that finishes each leg of the Amazing Race last is eliminated. So it always comes down to two teams trying to finish ahead of each other to avoid elimination. The simple reality of racing is that you're not gonna have a neck and neck finish every time.

And yet, at the end of every race, the editors always make it seem like it is extremely close, even though it usually isn't. There is rarely one team that is so far behind that there isn't some nail biting. It does happen, but only when they can't avoid showing how hapless a team is at one of the stops along the way.

"Argo" has an Amazing Race ending. The timing of that "almost missed" phone call doesn't add up. The guys raiding the Canadian's house are perfectly late. It all feels like putting lipstick on a pig. Or rather, putting lipstick on a race that wasn't all that close.

There's also a bit about carbon copied paperwork that I won't get into here. But 6 Caucasians at the Iranian airport who all have missing paperwork? That doesn't send up any red flags?

Can you tell I had some issues with this film?

But still, it's well made, well acted, and a cool story. Everyone who is saying how great it is aren't lying and I respect their opinion. I just think a lot of these flaws are getting overlooked because this is a true story. But I couldn't overlook it. Because I like things to make sense.