Emily the Bachelorette We Wanted: Ep 6

Croatia. The land of ethnic cleansing...and surprisingly well played basketball!

It's the perfect setting because Emily has turned into a kind of Heinrich Himmler with fake tits. She's forcing these guys to rat out their brothers and name names. Even though Angry Doug did in fact name names and give up Kalon, it didn't matter, she demands unquestioned loyalty!

Jef calls Croatia "the perfect place to fall in love". Well, unless you count Thailand with Ames!

The first one on one date is with Travis. Jesus, he's still here? He's gonna be one of those dudes on the Bachelor Pad where you go, "who is he again?"

We immediately get more awkward Emily as tour guide cue card reading. Travis is just happy to be here, and answers "sure!" to everything Emily says. He also has a giant zit on his neck that I can't stop staring at. Remember when we didn't have HD? How did we live? It puts a ton of pressure on dermatologists.

They go to a special wall where you stand on a little step and if you're able to take your shirt off that means you're lucky in love. Travis stands on it but doesn't take anything off. Not sure why. But Emily says she's been wondering what's going on underneath that shirt. I'll tell you what: a doughy, doughy body. And possibly some bacne.

Travis' eyes are very close together as he talks about his broken engagement. Emily asks "what did you do wrong?" So you assume it was Travis' fault? At least he didn't get pregnant at 17.

Emily picks up the rose, and you know this dude is screwed. She gives the "friend zone" speech, and gets rid of him. It's about time.

Emily says this about Travis "in so many ways...it was so perfect". If she's not looking for perfect, thank God Ryan is still there.

Outside, while walking in the rain, Travis dejectedly tosses his umbrella aside, just as the producer told him to do.

Now it's time for a commercial for the movie "Brave", except for they're pretending like it's part of the show. Emily: "I. Love. This. Movie." You don't say? Thanks, Roeper, but I'm not gonna trust that opinion.

After the movie, the guys have to get dressed in kilts and participate in "The Highland Games". What a perfect idea...for Croatia? Nice planning! They were in London a few days ago, going to Scotland would've been way out of the way, Croatia made perfect sense for a place to do all of this Scottish stuff.

First up, they shoot a bow and arrow. All of the guys are shockingly good at it (with massive triceps), except for Chris, who shoots like a resident of West Hollywood.

He's also awful at the log toss. Maybe not having lips is affecting him. Jef also is sorta sad, but Sean is an absolute beast. That's Jesus power. I keep forgetting how much he's like Tebow. Although he threw that log better than Tebow has ever thrown anything.

Emily gets to give out "the bravest" award, and she gives it to Chris. I think bravest means suckiest. Or liplessiest.

Emily to Sean: "What's going on in your brain right now? I feel like there's more than you're telling me". Sean: "No".

I believe him.

Arie gets some strong make out time. Then it's Jef's turn. He says it took some time to get physical with Emily, but he "finally got over that hump". Hump.

Emily asks Jef what took him so "dag gone" long to kiss her? He says, with total sincerity, "I'm scared of you! I'm scared to death to kiss you!" Oh Jef, that's not gonna do anything to quash those internet rumors.

Jef: "Can I tell you a secret? I'm fricking crazy about you". Emily: "Me too". Yep, they're both crazy about Emily.

She just said "dag gone" again.

I was just mocking Chris for thinking he was going to get the rose, and I was making jokes in my head about him having to cry his tears into his "bravest" cup. But dag gone it, she just gave Chris the rose.

Ryan gets the final one on one. He's had a lot of insane quotes, too many for me to list here. But just trust me, he's coming strong with the crazy tonight. Equally crazy: his facial hair.  It's like he has extra hair in the spot where most guys don't have a lot of hair. Maybe he is better than all of us.

Ryan is so stupid, but in a great oblivious way, it's just funny. At least he's bringing something to the table, unlike a Travis type who never says anything interesting.

All of the guys are laughing at Ryan and mocking him, but it's like, "hey fellas, Emily keeps picking him, doesn't that worry you at all?"

They go oystering (don't know if that's a word, but that's what Ryan calls it), and we all find out that Emily is a spitter.

Ryan calls Emily a trophy wife again. Emily says "trophy's don't talk back". He replies, "you'd be the first of it's kind". Emily seems okay with this. Perhaps south of the mason dixon a trophy wife is the height of feminism.

Ryan is one of those people who doesn't listen to a word anyone says ever. He's too busy telling himself how well things are going for him to hear anything else.

For some reason, they used the same reaction shot of Emily twice. Just thought I'd point that out cause I know you'd nail me in the comments if I didn't. 

Ryan unveils a list of the "12 things he's looking for in his wife". My favorite part: "Number 6 is a nurturer...I like that!" Just his delivery is amazing, it's like he's astonished himself by how great this list is!

Emily says she feels pressure to be perfect around him. And then she relieves that pressure by sending him home.

And she does it because of the list! She blames the list! She would so not get along with Schindler.

(I like that I accidentally compared Emily to a Nazi twice in this recap)

Ryan takes a long pause, and then says "that is very shocking. I would not have seen that coming". I imagine that happens to you a lot, brother, awareness of anything going on around you is not your strong suit.

He presses her hard, "you're making the wrong choice". She brings on the water works, and he even calls bullshit on that! Yes!

She says she's unsure, and then they make it seem like she's going to relent and actually give him the rose. But she sticks to her guns, and Ryan is toast. Shouldn't have gone with that facial hair.

I predict a huge future for Ryan on the Bachelor Pad. He might be the next David Good. Also, you know they're bringing him back for the finale for some ginned up drama.

Worth mentioning: Ryan has some funky blue shoes on. He also wonders how shocked the guys must be that he's going home. Ha. Meanwhile, the guys just wish they could see his face right now.

Sorta funny, as Ryan drives off, he says that he hopes that the producers edit him together well and not portray him as "an arrogant ass". In the same sentence, he mentions he's been "blessed with many worldly gifts". This is why reality TV is popular, you can't make this stuff up, and if you did, no one would believe it.

The producers arrange for Arie to visit Emily at her place so he can tell her she was right in dumping Ryan. It's kind of unfair, since this is so clearly a setup. Usually, they make it seem like the person honestly went down to the Bachelor's house on their own, but this is so obvious that it doesn't seem fair to the other fellas.

Arie likes to work the hair when he kisses. Maybe he's overcompensating for his sad gray mane.

This is a first: Emily tells us that John and Doug "are on the bubble". Who the hell is John? Wait a minute...

Yeah, Wolf deserves to go home, he's never been a contender, he's just been the best Wolf of any of the guys.

Wolf tries to save himself by showing Emily a ripped picture of Jesus or something that represents his Grandpa who died. Classic Wolf.

All of the sudden, now it's Angry Doug who finds himself behind the eight ball. I guess his strategy of not kissing her isn't paying off like he hoped.

Also troubling: Doug can barely talk. Remember when he had no weaknesses? The only thing that was wrong with him was that he loved his kid too much. Emily begs him to show some balls and he can't. Instead, he cries to us about his kid and it's kinda funny. No, it's really funny.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

SEAN - it's him, Jef, and Arie at this point, with Arie way ahead

JEF - when he gets eliminated, it's gonna be a great cry

ARIE - cheater

Before she gives out the final rose, Emily silently turns and walks the hell out of there. She goes outside to where Chris is standing with some random girl. This is hilarious, because Chris just said "this is the final rose of the evening", then what? He went out for a smoke break?! Why would he be outside now? Bizarre!

Chris: "I told you before, there are no rules here". Uh, pretty sure there are a few rules, otherwise all of them would be gone and she'd be dating Arie right now.

Basically, what it all boils down to is that she wants to get rid of Doug AND Wolf. The double eliminator! WAIT, hold the phone. No, she wants to KEEP both of them. What the fuck?

Oh man, that would've been so much better if they both were sent home. They have no business still being here. No business!

On the other hand, one more week of Wolf. Still needs to be mentioned: she hasn't asked him why his name is Wolf.

Next week: Emily finds out that Arie used to date a Bachelorette producer. Things stop getting polite, and start getting real.

Goodnight!