Emily the Bachelorette We Wanted: Ep 5. Get the F Out

Emily and little Steve Zahn have traveled to England. They look at some buildings and Emily says "we don't have anything like this in Charlotte". You mean indoor plumbing?

The first one on one date is with Sean, the blonde insurance agent with an an amazing body and an even more amazing love for Jesus. He's sitting squarely in second place at the moment.

(Side note: pretty sure I saw Alejandro in the restaurant I ate at tonight, he was very handsome, but that is neither here nor there)

The first part of Emily and Sean's date is on one of those dumb double decker tour buses that people from Charlotte ride in when they visit foreign places. For some reason, Emily is giving this tour and talking like a retarded person. "This. Is. Where. Prince William. Got. Married". Stick to your day job, Emily, you know, pretending to run charities and getting botox.

Emily tells Sean that guys that look like him are usually boring, but he's not. I guess, if you consider John 3:16 not boring...

They go to speaker's corner, and Sean gets up and talks about love. He also talks in that. same. retarded. style. It's all very strange. He says he doesn't know love yet but he's hopeful. You know what he does know? How to smile in the goofiest way possible.

Later that night, Emily has lost her voice. She's sick. It's probably mono, or whatever mutant viruses little Stevie Zahn is carrying around. Kids are disease factories.

Emily likes how humble Sean is. Because he's so awesome but he doesn't sell himself like that. Maybe we should start calling him Tebow. He's big, buff, and boring, and can't throw for shit. Made that last part up.

Sean gets the rose. I'm not sure what was even talked about on this date, other than Emily constantly telling Sean how great he is. It's these kind of conversations that lead couples on the Bachelor to immediately break up after production ends.

The group date involves doing scenes from Romeo and Juliet. They are all terrible, except for Kalon, who is worse only because he's actually trying.

It's possible that Arie has a full head of gray hair.

I've stopped paying attention during rehearsals. I apologize for this recap, but they are seriously giving me nothing.

Kalon and Ryan are rehearsing and Emily comes over. After Ryan is talking to her for awhile, Kalon says "uh, we need to rehearse. You can run along". Such a dick. And so weird. Who does he think he needs to impress here? Is Baz Luhrmann nearby?

They perform in front of an audience filled with bad teeth. Kalon does his best to get a part in Kenneth Branagh's latest, and it's embarrassing. The rest of the guys do the right thing and make a joke out of it. Arie gets brownie points for his role as the nurse. Kalon is upset at him for making a mockery of the theater. Well he doesn't say that but he thinks it.

Ryan gets to kiss Emily in the death scene and milks it for a few extra smooches. Emily calls Ryan "the perfect Romeo". Uh no, if he was the perfect Romeo he'd be dead now and we'd all be happy.

Later that night, Arie gets alone time and does not do anything for us to doubt his hold on first place.

Ryan: "When a girl tells you you're trouble, and she's smiling when she says it, I think maybe sometimes she wants to get in trouble". And 10 other things rapists say.

Ryan gives Emily some jewelry, but while this is going on Kalon is depressed. No Lips Bradley Cooper tries to console him by saying "you'll get a chance". Kalon says "yeah, I'll get a chance to talk to an exhausted, sick mother who has a child waiting on her". Uh oh, that's gonna earn you a ticket to get the fuck out ville.

The guys start talking shit about Kalon, and it's revealed that he referred to Ricki as "baggage". Of course Doug, Mr. Perfect who doesn't have rage issues at all, declares that he is going to beat the shit out of him.

The guys confront Kalon about it, and he says he's "not going to retract it". Smart move. Stick to your guns!

So Doug goes to Emily and tells her, and she is pissed. She says "I want to go West Virginia, hood rat, backwoods on his ass". I have to tell you, I don't know what that means, but I'd like to see that. 

They go back out to the group, and Doug announces "Kalon, you're on the spot". Again, Kalon doesn't back down. Awesome. He says he knows it sounds like a "negative connotation". Emily gives him a scolding, and tells him that Ricki is not baggage, and anyone can see that. Well, not anyone.

Emily: "Is there anything you can say to say no I didn't say that?" Kalon: "No". Emily: "Then get the fuck out!"

And what's Kalon's retort to this: "All I was trying to express was that I always dreamed that my first child would be..."

Emily cuts him off, damn! I wanted to know how that sentence ends. He tries to say something else dumb but she ends the conversation and kicks him to the curb. I wonder if Kalon just gets immediately taken to the Bachelor Pad. Is there a direct flight from London to the Pad? I think the Concorde used to have that route.

I have to say, I'm a little disappointed in this West Virginia, hood rat, back woods stuff. I thought it was somehow going to involve bitch slaps and incest.

Emily's worried about her judgement because how could she let such a horrible person through the cracks? I like this, because no Bachelor/ette ever questions their own judgement. I'll give Emily props for some self awareness.

She's also mad that none of the guys told her until now. In fairness, if you watched the last Bachelor, it's that kind of shit that got people in trouble. Ben hated when people narc'd out others, so let's ease up, Emily. Plus, Doug did tell her, so there you go.

Oh boy, Steve Zahn thinks "the dragon" lives at Buckingham Palace. We got another Einstein on our hands, folks.

The final one on one date is with Jef Bieber. They go to etiquette school. The teacher, Jean, won't shut the hell up. Jef hates Jean. Also hating Jean? Whoever gave her those bangs.

Emily and Jef dine and dash, and head to a pub. Then Jef immediately steps on a landmine. "I was the one sitting there when Kalon referred to Ricki as baggage". Stay away from that, Biebs!

Jef: "If Ricki's baggage, then she's a Chloe handbag that I will have forever". Oh Jef. Please. I think Ricki's more like a set of Amelia Earhart luggage. Also, Jef...Chloe handbag? Gay!

Emily says she's unsure of Jef and needs him to "show her rather than tell her how he feels". You know what that means: finger bang.

Emily forces Jef to pour on the compliments. Once again, Emily tells us that Kalon is lucky that she didn't go West Virginia on him, and pull out her ear rings and go crazy. Was Emily from the hood? Was she a hood rat? Why aren't the guys asking her these questions on the date?

Wait a minute, let's do the math: she's a single mother, has fake hair, is a bad parent, and goes out with NFL players. Yep, a hood rat. 

Poor Jef. He's so young and Mormony. Very awkward moment: Emily asks him what would happen if her and a 6 year old moved to Salt Lake City. Would it be "party's over"? And Jef says "the party would just begin! Dance parties every night! You'd come home from whatever you were doing and me and Ricki would be singing and dancing". I can't express how uncomfortable I am with this whole section of the conversation. He's a sincere dude, and that's what makes it so much worse.

Jef gets the rose. Does he finally go for the kiss? Yes. And it's just as bad as we anticipated. And also now he has mono or throat AIDS or whatever she has. Maybe sickle cell, she is from the ghetto.

Cocktail party. And I just realized, you know what this episode has been missing: a steady dose of Wolf.

Emily drills all the guys again for not telling her about Kalon. I don't blame these guys for not saying anything. I get standing up for your girl, but you know, there is a thing called being a rat. Also technically Ricki is baggage.

I hate to say it, but Ryan is doing good things this episode. He tries to "do something" every time he's with Emily. This time, he does some more Shakespeare for her in a good way. I'm not saying he's redeemed himself, but he is at least making the effort. Then again, Emily wonders how she lets these douches through the cracks. This is why.

Oh boy, Emily says that Sean makes her feel "taken care of". That is definitely what she's looking for. After all, why should she have to work or be equal to a man?

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

Does Wolf know that he has absolutely no chance with this girl? Is he just along for the ride at this point? Who can ever truly know the mind of Wolf.

DOUG - the rat

RYAN - he's in full woo

CHRIS - if he had lips he would say that he accepts this rose

JOHN - who? Yep, classic...WOLF!

TRAVIS - how is he still here?

ARIE - oh Bachelorette producers, as if we really thought Arie was going home

Coincidentally, Alejandro, who I ran into tonight, is a goner. So silly that they would want us to wonder if she was going to pick Alejandro, who has never spoken, over Arie. I have to say though, the man is very good looking in person. But you can't forget that he is a brown skin, and that don't go over in Charlotte.

Next week: Croatia. And Wolf gets a kiss!!! Wait, so does everyone else. Huge shocker: Emily's edict of wanting them to rat people out totally backfires as they all start getting confused about what they have to tell her.

Goodnight!