The Real World Awards

Okay, let's get this out of the way first. The new season of The Real World, in Portland, features a cast member who was born without a hand. This comes after a season of The Bachelor which had a girl who was born without an arm. Is this a new trend in reality show casting? If this keeps up, we're just gonna be watching drunken torsos arguing with each other. 

Moving on, since The Real World is starting up again, Vulture ranked the best Real World seasons of all time. As I am the foremost authority on The Real World, it's a list specifically designed to make me angry. And it succeeded.

As you know, I've seen every season of The Real World and The Challenges. I know my stuff. More importantly, my opinions are correct and cannot be questioned or challenged.

Sadly, we are coming off one of the worst seasons in Real World history. A season which almost forced me to quit watching. It featured the most unattractive group of horrible looking losers the show has ever seen. And I'm not one of these guys who longs for the old days, I'm not sentimental or grading on a curve, the St. Thomas season would be an abomination no matter when it aired.

It and Brooklyn are by far the worst seasons ever, with London nipping at their heels. In the biggest travesty of that Vulture article, they have London ranked 7th. HA!!! That shit was excruciating. Every single person in the cast sucked, except for that British dude who got his tongue bitten off. And even that wasn't that cool, cause he kinda asked for it.

Also, they have Hawaii at 5. Hawaii was garbage. 

But the biggest falsehood in the list and that I've seen elsewhere is that the first Las Vegas season somehow killed the show, or ruined it somehow. Bullshit! The Vegas season saved the show. It became the model for all future seasons. You know what would've killed the show? Another season like London. That version of The Real World was headed for a burial plot right next to Road Rules.

Vegas realized the value of casting hot people and having hot tubs. Of infrared cameras. Of cocaine and condoms.

You don't want another Real World that is completely like it. But you want every Real World to at least have some of it.

Here, without further ado, are the top 6 Real World season of all time:

Las Vegas I
San Francisco
Seattle
New Orleans I
San Diego
Los Angeles

If The Real World was like the NBA and you needed an All Star team, this would be mine:

Isaac (Australia. Co-Captain of the All Star Team. Easily the coolest, funniest dude in Real World history. )
Melissa (New Orleans. Co-Captain. Easily the funniest/hot girl in Real World history)
Dustin (Vegas II. The man did gay porn and got a female roommate to date him. Respect)
Trishelle (Vegas I)
Eric (New York I)
David/Stephen/Irene (Seattle)
Tami (Los Angeles. Token black girl on the squad. She's so good at reality shows, she's still on one - now on "Basketball Wives")
David (New Orleans I. Token black guy. Come on be my baby tonight)

2nd TEAM

David (Los Angeles)
Rachel (San Francisco)
Brad (San Diego I)
Jonna (Cancun)
Ace (Paris)
Cameron (San Diego I)
Alton (Vegas I)
Coral (New York II)
The Beast (San Diego II)
Joey (Hollywood. Where's Joey?! Joey's dead)

Puck was a first teamer, but the team voted to kick him off for unsportsmanlike behavior (it involved peanut butter).

Getting back to the present, I enjoyed the first episode of this Portland season. Yes, the cast doesn't have as many hands as I would like, but still. There's at least one cute girl and multiple crazies. That's a winning formula.

Even more encouraging, the producers have decided to enter a sassy black girl into the mix at some point during the season, who looks like she will fist fight everyone. It probably won't be enough to crack the top five of all time Real World seasons, but it's fist fights! And sassiness! London didn't have any of that.