Chris Harrison starts things off with some audience hyping. Translation: he yells "how about Sean with his shirt off!!!" And the women lose their minds, soak their panties, etc. And I let out a little squeal myself. It's the nipples. So hairless.
Then we cut to some video of Chris and Sean showing up at Bachelor viewing parties and surprising people. The first house features a bunch of 12 year old girls, who hug Sean and he is immediately arrested. It's uncomfortable for everyone. I was just thinking how awesome it would be if as I'm typing this, there's a knock on my door. It's Sean. We embrace. It's magical.
Then they go to a sorority house. I think it's the Delta Gamma house. Which at my school, the DG's were known as the "Dick Grabbers". Nothing makes a pack of hot girls ugly like being super into their sorority.
The sorority girls, now holding pitchforks, demand that Sean take his shirt off. Really? You even have to ask? I didn't even know he owned shirts.
Finally, the women are introduced. Everyone looks the same, except for one person...Bangs! As in, Desiree has rid herself of her bangs. This is a game changer, I have to reevaluate this whole situation.
Selma is there, she just flew in from Yemen, and got a fresh supply of shoe bombs. She looks hot, of course, And Jackie and AshLee are both very attractive and have done nothing to diminish themselves.
I don't think they introduced Tierra. Maybe she and her sparkle will be brought out later. Or maybe the Sparkle is out there and we just didn't notice it.
The first order of business: Tierra and how awful she is. Sorry, I'm a little distracted by Desiree's forehead right now. Hard to focus.
Poor Kacie B. is there. She is really a pathetic character at this point. She won't say no to anything. Bachelor again? Yep. Girls Tell Again? Yep. Bachelor Pad? Yep. Someone's having a Bachelor party? Sure. Bachelor Party starring Tom Hanks? Absolutely.
Whoa! Brooke! The only black girl eliminated on night 1 suddenly speaks up. She defends Tierra. Apparently, you gotta do what you gotta do and the other girls are haters, according to her. Um, you left on night 1, you didn't do shit.
Robyn blames getting dumped on Tierra. She was too focused on her and not on Sean, or something. Oh, shut up, he just didn't have a taste for chocolate.
Chris tells the girls that Tierra is backstage and will be brought out after the commercial. I said it last week, but come on, this really is just professional wrestling now. And escorting Tierra to the ring is her manager, Bobby the Brain Heenan!
Okay, Sparkle time. First question: coming on the Bachelor, did you think you would be this girl that everyone's talking about? And she does not disappoint with her answer:
"It's difficult for me because I light up in a room...I walk in a room and I bring this joy".
Wait a minute...joy AND sparkle?! What a woman. You throw in a rogue eyebrow and that's the total package.
She gets judged by what she looks like, you guys. Um, at least 5 of the girls are hotter than you, but okay. She says they didn't like her because they thought she didn't want to be friends with them, but the truth is, she didn't want to be friends with them.
She says she doesn't regret a thing and has nothing to apologize for. This gets "oohs" and "aahs" from the audience. Robyn then calls her delusional. The crowd loves it. They want blood. Are you not entertained?!
Uh oh, Brooke is piping up again. She's mad at Tierra for defending herself. "Stick with your convictions!" You're a bitch, own it! Brooke loves the bitchery, as long as you're up front about it.
Tierra vs. AshLee. It's like the first presidential debate, with Sparkle as Obama and AshLee as Romney. A total Romney rout. In this analogy, Selma is Ahmadinejad.
Chris asks about her eyebrow. She insists she can't control it, as proof, she brags that it has it's own twitter. That is a pretty good case.
Uh oh, now the sparkle is brought up, and Tierra says she won "Little Miss Nevada". That tells you all that you need to know about this girl, doesn't it? Nevada. Little Miss. Pageant. Come on.
Tierra is engaged. Chris, very smirkily, questions her about it, implying that she came on the show already having a boyfriend. Then she refers to herself in the third person. Then Chris sort of wonders aloud if this fiance is a Lennay Kukua situation.
Time for Nub McGee to get on the hot seat. Seriously, would she get time on the hot seat if it wasn't for her arm, or lack thereof? Answer: Nope. Fucking affirmative action.
I know we are supposed to feel bad for Nubby, but she is very whiny and all "woe is me". Her voice cracks the whole time as she describes her history of failed relationships, which sound like pretty much every 25 year old's history of failed relationships. She says "I don't want to blame the arm...". But she blames the arm.
Desiree is up next. How much better would this be if her brother was there instead? He just calls Chris the N word and stomps off to start a fire with a stick. Now that's good TV.
Chris brings up the brother. Should be noted that Harrison is asking all of the right questions, he needs to replace David Gregory. "Speaker Boehner, are you willing to include revenue to end the sequester...and did you finger AshLee in the fantasy suite?"
Desiree: "I value my brother's opinion". See, there's your first mistake. Never trust a man who grew up in a tent and has a tattoo sleeve. And is illiterate.
AshLee's turn. She tells us what we suspected, that Sean was blowing smoke up all of their asses. He wasn't giving her the hint, like, you're gonna go home. A dick move. AshLee says "I was thinking 'I got this'". Ha. Guess you didn't remember how crazy you were acting, ie blindfold.
Lesley is not getting the hot seat treatment. You have to think she was nudged out by nub. Stupid handicapped, they get all the hot seats and parking spaces!
Sean comes out. AshLee asks him what happened. Sean says "from day 1, you were my frontrunner". Gee, thanks. Again, you know you get to choose, right? If she's the frontrunner, you get to pick her.
He also says "I couldn't find that laughter with you". Maybe it was hiding underneath her blindfold.
Am I wrong or does Sean have a terrible haircut and the rumblings of a mullet? Might have to get a picture of it...See it?
AshLee is mad at Sean for getting rid of her at the rose ceremony and not coming to check on her. And he didn't act like a gentleman, etc. But most of this is just not understanding the basics of making a TV show.
Uh oh, Ashlee: "You had pretty much said some things overnight that, I honestly believed I was the one". Yeah, he said some things...with his dick!!! Oh snap.
WHOA! Bombshell. AshLee says that Sean told her that he "absolutely had no feelings for the other women". Damn. Sean denies it. The audience is stunned. Sean looks guilty. AshLee is like, "Sean, come on", like she's his mommy. Then, "Do you think I would just make up something like that?"
Then she takes it back. And says the exact quote was "There's absolutely nothing between those two. That's exactly what you said". He continues to deny. This is getting crazy. She might be bonkers, but she's probably telling the truth.
Damn. AshLee came for a scalp. And I hope she gets it because his haircut sucks.
By the way, I'd hate to have any of my quotes that I said while trying to fuck a girl recited back to me on national TV.
They come back for a commercial and give us a behind the scenes sneak peak. It's Sean and AshLee talking, thinking they're not on the air. They keep going back and forth about the quote, a he said/she said thing.
And yes, he definitely said it. But his penis was hard. You can't control your words when your penis is hard and AshLee is sitting there blindfolded.
The blooper reel is solid.
And that's about it. Not enough Selma, that's for sure. But a lot of uncomfortableness, and that's what the Women Tell All is for. Next week: The Finale! Will Sean wake up and realize Lindsay is Lindsay? Is AshLee right and he hates them both? Probably.
Goodnight.
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