I'm Genuinely Excited For the Summer Movies

The last few summer movie seasons have been disappointing. It was always Spiderman, or a sequel to Spiderman, or the reboot of Spiderman, or the reboot of the sequel of Spiderman. I don't give a shit about Spiderman. Enough already. Maybe if Spidey finds an attractive girl to go out with I'll start to care again.

It's not that I'm opposed to big summer movies. I like them. Last year had The Avengers, but it mostly had things like Battleship and Men in Black 3. I can't even pretend like going to see those might be a fun thing to do. You have to at least give me hope. And Rock of Ages did not give me hope. It gave me Catherine Zeta Jones singing in a church.

But this year, there is some hope. Several movies look promising. I just read this little preview on Grantland about what's coming out and I was surprised by my excitement. Let's look at what we've got:

IRON MAN 3. I liked the first one, the second one sucked. And I thought my days of paying to see Iron Man were over. However, this one is written and directed by Shane Black, which brings me back on board.

Shane Black got famous in the '80's and '90's for selling action screenplays for millions of dollars (back when that was possible), like Lethal Weapon and the very underrated The Last Boy Scout. And then when the spec market disappeared, so did he. I have no idea where he went from like, '96 to 2005. He must've gone to wherever Ax Rose went, and where Keanu Reeves is now.

Then he made a comeback with a small movie, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, which was good, but that was 8 years ago. He's done nothing since. But for whatever reason, the powers that be decided to hand him the keys to the Iron Man franchise. Seems like a weird decision, but I'm not complaining (and I suppose what Joss Whedon did with The Avengers somewhat justifies it).

Of course, if Shane Black isn't enough for you, there's always Gwyneth Paltrow. Who doesn't love Gwyneth? Oh, everyone? Well fuck you, haters. Goop 'till I die!

Next, THE GREAT GATSBY. I'm not a Baz Lurhmann fan. Probably because I'm straight. But I kinda dig this idea. I want to see what the roaring '20's would've been like if Jay Z was rapping over it. So shockingly, I'm in.

The biggest movie of the summer might be STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS. Not interested. Next...

THE BLING RING. Didn't know much about this movie, then I watched the trailer:



Couldn't enjoy that more. Only downside: Sophia Coppola is involved. Shit. She has a habit of making good things terrible (see: The Godfather 3. Yes, I'm still blaming her for that. I rewatch that movie every 10 years hoping it's suddenly good. Nope, still awful). But also, Somewhere should've been rad. Instead, it was 2 hours of Stephen Dorf driving around in a circle. Seriously, that was the movie!

My other concern: it could be this year's Savages. That movie had a great trailer and was really bad. I mean, seriously bad. Did anyone see that? We should probably discuss the ending of that movie at some point. But anyway...

FAST & FURIOUS 6. If I was still engaged, I'd have to see this in the theater. Luckily, I'm not! So I'll see you on TNT, Fast & Furious 6. (on a side note, I'm fascinated by successful movie franchises that star actors that can't get any other work. Paul Walker? Vin Diesel? Jordan Brewster? Their only appealing to the public if they are in these movies. They must HATE cars at this point).

MAN OF STEEL. Here's another one featuring a director with a knack for screwing the pooch. But I love Superman. Growing up, I was known as the kid with the cape. So of course I'm seeing it.

Here's my worry (other than Zack Snyder): are there only 2 Superman stories to tell? Superman Returns was just a rehash of the very first Superman with Christopher Reeve. The bad guy in this one is General Zod. I'm gonna be pissed if it's just another remake. Is there nothing else in the Superman world? No new ideas? Okay, guess I'll just have to enjoy Michael Shannon's ginormous head.

WORLD WAR Z. I might be the most excited for this movie. But it seems like no one is that into it. Specifically, people who have read the book. They say it's "totally different" and violates the spirit and blah blah blah. Well, check out the trailer...



Super fast zombies forming human ladders to kill everyone? Sorry, purists, but I'll take it.

WHITE HOUSE DOWN. Whoops, there must be some mistake, this movie already came out. Like 20 times.

Speaking of movies we've already seen...THE HANGOVER III. 

THIS IS THE END. I don't know what to make of this. I don't know if I will see it or not, I don't know if I will love it or hate it, I just don't know. This is the movie with everyone who has ever been in a Judd Apatow movie, playing themselves, as the world ends.

So Danny McBride is in it as Danny McBride. And Jonah Hill as Jonah Hill. And so on. Since I'm in comedy, I feel like I have to see it, at the very least to mock it.

BEFORE MIDNIGHT. You want to talk big summer trilogies? Iron Man ain't got shit on Ethan Hawke and Julie motherfucking Delpy. Love these movies (maybe I'm not straight).

And finally...

AFTER EARTH. I just don't think Jaden Smith is believable as Will Smith's son.