And sadly, this is when real bitterness set in for me. All I ever wanted was to be wanted, and here I was, writing on a hit show, and no agent wanted me. I didn't understand it. Especially because I watched as writers who had never written on a show that made it on the air in their entire lives were selling pilots every year.
Plus, I wasn't even asking to sell a pilot, though that would've been great, I just wanted an agent. I was a writer making money. There's a lot of writers who have agents who don't make any money. Again, this seems crazy. I was offering 10% of a weekly salary and they would barely have to do anything. Who turns that deal down?
But whatever. I pressed on.
While working on my staff job, I was still writing tons of other stuff. I had optioned "Wife is Beautiful" to Lionsgate and was hopeful. But after 6 months, nothing had happened. Then they came back to me, filled with confidence, and paid me a bunch more money to option it again. Nothing ever happened.
And now a word about "TV specs":
As a writer who wants to work, you have to keep writing specs. These can be scripts of shows that are currently on the air, or original pilots. I had written both. Of course, Blumberg couldn't be bothered to read them so nothing ever came of the many I'd written.
There's also another kind of spec that people write, and that's the "gimmick spec". That's where someone will write an original episode of "Family Ties", or an episode of "Two and a Half Men" where Charlie Sheen's character stabs Alan or gets addicted to crack. In other words, it's something that would never be on TV, but it's funny and a little more creative.
I think of this kind of spec as cheating. Anyone can do this nonsense. The hard thing to do is write a real episode of "Two and a Half Men" and make that funny and original. That takes talent! It's easy to step outside CBS and make a crazy episode that doesn't have to conform to the restrictions of TV.
But as time went on, assholes kept getting work off this bullshit. So I decided, if you can't beat them, join them. And I wrote a gimmick spec.
Aaron Sorkin's "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip" had just started up. Thus, I wrote a spec called "Studio 69 on her Landing Strip", which was the porn version of that show.
I sent it to a friend to read. Unbeknownst to me, he gave it to a manager at Brillstein Entertainment. The manager loved it, and called me in.
We had a meeting. I actually already knew the guy, and despite the fact that he was very familiar with my work on Mencia, it was this dumb porn script I wrote in 2 seconds that inspired him to want to sign me. Seeing as how I had no other options, and really wanted to get out into the world, I signed on.
He got off to a slow start. He did negotiate my deal for Mencia, which was a good one. But there were not a lot of meetings. Okay, there were none. But I had an idea. It was a TV pilot, I pitched it to him:
"Becoming a Hero"I quickly wrote the script, and really thought I had something with it. He read it, and politely put it in a drawer and I never heard about it again. No notes, no nothing. It just didn't exist anymore.
LOGLINE:
A high school kid, tired of being bullied, decides to start training to make himself into a real superhero.
This was in 2006. You may recall that in 2010, a movie came out called "Kick Ass" with exactly the same premise of my show. They are practically identical. But for whatever reason, this idea didn't "spark" to him.
By the way, when I heard about that movie, I barely resisted the temptation to stab myself in the eye.
Then I made a major life decision. I decided that the one thing I wanted to do, the one non-scripted show that would make me happy would be a sports version of "The Soup". And I knew that Norm MacDonald would be the perfect host.
I pitched it to him at a Chinese Restaurant - I fucking hate Chinese food, but these are the lies I put myself through so I won't bother people. He, famously, nixed the idea and told me to try politics.
I told this story in detail here. Now that exact show is doing well on Comedy Central. Thanks!
I brushed that off and pitched him my next feature idea:
"Boy Breaks Into Rehab to Meet Girl"He sorta liked it, but not really, and I went off and wrote it anyway. I finished it in the beginning of summer, and he gave it to this script reading kid that he made read stuff. It didn't seem like he read anything himself. Basically, whatever this 23 year old who had never done anything in his life said, was law.
LOGLINE:
An average shlub with a dead end job and no girlfriend decides to break into rehab to meet a famous actress - a Lindsay Lohan type - and win her love.
So this kid, who I didn't know, gave me a bunch of notes. Fine. I went and addressed them, and rewrote it.
After a few weeks, my manager finally called me at the end of summer, and said simply, "You didn't get it".
"You didn't get it"
That was it. That was his code for, the script still sucks and I'm not going to give you anymore notes or make that kid read it another time. We never spoke of it again.
Now, at this point you're probably thinking, "maybe you just suck". I agree. That is definitely a strong possibility. I would not deny that. If I had written better stuff, everything probably would've been great.
However, in my defense, before I signed with this manager, I had no representation in the feature world. And the 3 previous scripts I wrote, again, with no one helping me, resulted in:
Script 1: "Putz" - optioned twice.
Script 2: "Wife is Beautiful" - optioned twice
Script 3: "In the Mix" - sold and produced
Those are pretty good results. So you're telling me now all of the sudden I'm so bad that this manager, my manager, can't even send it to a few companies for feedback? That seems a little harsh.
Plus, he didn't get me any meetings or job opportunities at other TV sketch shows, which I was well qualified for.
Until he did.
The difference between agents and managers is that managers can be producers on things, agents cannot. And my manager was producing a show for Spike TV. He convinced the temperamental, older host - who in the past only worked with "his" writers - to also hire a couple of new writers.
I was one of the new writers he hired. The other was my manager's friend. An older guy who hadn't written on anything in years, and from all appearances, was troubled. Apparently, my manager was doing him a favor by throwing some work his way because he needed the cash.
And then this happened. If you haven't read this story, please do. It's one of my favorites. Just an amazing experience.
So the one job he got me was a complete debacle that he was responsible for screwing up.
Looking back, I really have no idea how I kept writing when I was virtually assured of failure. But I did. And while walking the picket line during the writer's strike, I had another feature idea:
"Mail Order Bride"Let me be honest: this script is good. Lots of jokes. Pretty good story. I was proud of it. People liked it. I think my manager might have even liked it. Well, he didn't do anything with it, but he did hook me up with an agent.
LOGLINE:
Michael Cera and Jonah Hill are best friends until Michael Cera's girlfriend comes along. Left out and alone and drunk, Jonah Hill orders a smoking hot mail order bride from Russia and he and Michael Cera both fall in love with her. But she's not what she seems...
I met with the agent, and surprisingly enough, loved him. He was at a smaller agency, and the place seemed more my style. Plus, he brought in a feature agent to talk to me too. Even better, they loved "Mail Order Bride"! Thank God.
I decided to sign with them. They gave me notes on the script and I rewrote it. Then, together with my manager (supposedly), sent it around to various feature companies.
I got a lot of polite "nos". But I'll tell you what, I was happy. I only wanted my script to be read by these people, it's all you can ask for, really. It was exactly what my manager hadn't been doing. But at least I didn't get rejected before I was rejected. I considered this a success.
Honestly, if I could be assured that everything I wrote would be seen by potential buyers, I wouldn't be fantasizing about stabbing myself in the eye.
After this, I got inspired by "Rescue Me" and "Friday Night Lights" and Bill O'Reilly and decided to write a one hour dramedy for cable.
"Talking Points"I sent it to my new agent, he went crazy for it. He had no notes. He said "you have found your voice!"
LOGLINE:
An over the top, hooker loving conservative radio host who is adored by many, and hated by many more, secretly roots for Obama to win the 2008 Presidential election so he can have more material for his show.
I sent it to my manager, he had notes. Well, he just didn't like it.
My agent went to work trying to sell it. My manager did nothing.
Many months went by, and I hadn't heard from my manager. Finally, I called him and told him we needed to have lunch. My plan was to give him a stern talking to. I had no intention of firing him, I just wanted to light a fire under his ass to start working for me. That is their job, right?
We met for a meal on Pico Blvd. I told him I thought he wasn't doing anything for me, that it didn't seem like he was interested.
He apologized, said he was getting consumed with a show he was producing. But then he added: "I don't think your writing is very good. It's too...predictable".
I was blown away. WHAT?! I tell him about how much my agent loves the script, and how I'm getting all these meetings about it - more meetings than I've ever had in my life, and people are really into it and quoting lines from it, and how a production company wants to buy it and attach a big name actor, etc. He just shrugs his shoulders, "meh, it's not for me, I guess".
I took a deep breath and said "well, if this is how you feel, then I guess there's no need to continue this relationship. It's over".
But then he tried to save it! He's like, "no, no, it doesn't have to be like that. Let's keep working together, and see..."
I'm like, you think my writing sucks, dude. What's the point?
We kind of left it at that, I didn't explicitly say "you're fired". But I never spoke to him again.
Team Handleman was back down to one. Fortunately, he was the only one I needed. Because I've been with the agent ever since, and he's been exactly how I always wanted an agent to be. He reads stuff! He calls me back! He sets meetings! He believes in me! It's very strange.
So it all worked out in the end, I guess. But I regret those wasted years. That's what happens when you're working from a position of weakness. I took the first manager who came my way. I was desperate, and that desperation led to being around bad people.
I think it's better in this business to think you're God's gift, soon enough, people will believe it. Just look at Chelsea Handler.
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