Ben the Bachelor No One Wanted, Ep 6

I might actually be semi-excited about this episode. Why? Because of Kasey S's moan during the commercials.



Let's begin...

We are now in Panama, so you know what that means...Courtney is gonna open up her canal. Vaginas!

Here's a shock, Courtney is still talking about skinny dipping. I feel like she's just using it as a euphemism for "fuck". That has to be what she's talking about because no adult could be this impressed by swimming naked with someone.

The first one on one date is with Kacie B. Blakely responds by putting her in a sleeper hold. Seriously, she does. Even Kacie B can't believe she's getting a date at this point. She's embarrassed by it, because the other girls so clearly have not been involved in the process. Nevertheless, she busts out the hair straightener and commences Operation Don't Look Like Buckwheat.

Bachelor Copter! That thing is international. They see the canal. The real one, not Courtney's, though Ben will be seeing that later.

They go to a private island, which actually looks pretty cool. Of course, Ben takes credit for it. For some reason, they are turning this date into Cast Away. They have to survive on the island with a few items. Though I'm holding out hope some Fed Ex boxes will wash ashore.

Oh, this is because "relationships are about team work and overcoming obstacles", or something. Know what relationships aren't about? Acting for camera crews.

They show them struggling to cut coconuts down and drink from them, but then they cut to another shot and they're both drinking champagne out of glasses. Relationships are also about getting free stuff.

Later, they go to another place for dinner, and Kacie B's hair is starting to get crazy. Maybe her hair is like a chameleon cause it's starting to resemble the rat's nest Ben is sporting.

Kacie "opens up" to Ben by telling him she had an eating disorder in high school. Didn't everybody? I don't think this is what Ben meant by "opening up". I think he just wanted to hear how great he is.

Kacie gets the rose, looks into Ben's eyes, and then pukes, but I'm sure that had nothing to do with the bulimia.

Group date. Only Rachel (60 year old Cheryl Tiegs) and Blakely (Hooters VIP waitress) aren't on it, so that means they're in the double date showdown! I love that. They better hurry up, both of these ladies are seconds away from menopause.

Ben pulls up in a boat to pick up the women. Jamie describes Ben as a "man's man". I don't think a man's man would wear those nut hugging red shorts. Or maybe he would, I wouldn't know because I'm a Man's Man's Pussy.

It starts raining and Courtney is all, "I am so wet!" and touches her boobs. She really knows what she is doing.

They go into some weird tribal village where the natives demand that the women take their tops off. Or maybe not and Courtney just completely misunderstood. She starts swinging her tits around for the little boys wearing loin cloths. They could have used those pitched tents on the Cast Away island.

Ben comes out in a loin cloth in his awkward body. He's a little bulkier than he appears, but not in a good way. He notices Courtney's nipples, and says he appreciates that. Ben is not a complicated guy.

I must say once again: Casey S is very attractive. How are we not seeing more of her? Well, I guess we're about to. But still, it's bizarre that she hasn't been a bigger focal point, she must be even more boring than Ben.

Courtney shakes her boobs again and says "I've got moves they've never seen". I'm pretty sure most guys in the LA area have seen those moves.

Lyndzi gets alone time and we probably hear her speak more than she has the whole show. She gets a smooch in, and after what Ben did to Jennifer last week, it could actually be a bad sign.

The words "skinny dipping" have been said 12 times so far.

Courtney gets Ben alone and spins her magical vagina web around his brain. She tells him her room number. That's what the greats do, they learn the rules, they know the rules, and then they break the rules.

Jamie worries that she hasn't stood out enough to Ben. Honey, you haven't stood out enough to America, we don't know who you are.

Jamie gets him alone and tries to make up for lost time, while Courtney strips down into a bikini behind them. It's so funny, because Jamie is babbling a thousand words a minute, and it's so annoying. Meanwhile Courtney is bouncing around and that's all it takes. That's a lesson, ladies, less talky, more naked.

Emily gets Ben alone and tells him she has to get something off her chest: oh boy, we expect her to bust out with the Courtney trash talk. Instead, she fakes Ben out by pretending she's in love with the Chief (from the date earlier). Ben is baffled and is probably still thinking about Courtney's boobies.

For some reason, Emily goes back to the girls and apologizes to Courtney. And of course, Courtney is a total bitch about it. She's not here to make friends!

Lyndzi gets the rose on the date. I should also note that Nikki has not yet spoken this episode.

It's funny when Courtney complains about not getting the rose on dates, you're getting the dick, that's better!

But Courtney waits for Ben in her room and he doesn't show up. She starts telling us her sob story about how men always take her for granted. Well, you know, people tend to take things for granted that are easy.

2 on 1 time! 1 gets the rose, 1 goes home. Blakely or Rachel? In the real world, this wouldn't even be a contest. Rachel would stay, Blakely would go. But in Ben land, I think Blakely gets to stay.

I'll say it one more time: Rachel and Kasey S have to be 2 of the sneakiest hottest girls ever to appear on this show. Does anyone remember Matt the English guy's season? It was like monsters inc.

They go dancing. Blakely is excited because she's a stripper, I mean, whore, I mean, slut, I mean, hooker, I mean, dancer.

Rachel is mad that Blakely is using her sexuality with Ben. Yikes. No wonder you have bangs.

Rachel is also wearing an awful dress which does nothing for her, while Blakely's dress makes her look as good as she can possibly look. Yes, I'm referring to her cleavage.

They go to dinner. Ben looks frightened. I think he hates both of them.

Rachel gets Ben alone, and the darn bitch has the nerve to use her sexuality! How dare she. Ben has this habit of licking his lips right before a kiss and it's grossing me out.

During Blakely's alone time, she starts crying about not getting a one on one. I wish these girls could see what Courtney does on dates, because I think they could learn a lot.

Shit. Blakely gives Ben a book. It's a scrapbook of sorts. Is she 34 or 4? Actually, she's probably 40.

It's time for Ben to make a decision. This is strange, they didn't really draw this out like they normally do. Suddenly, almost out of nowhere, Ben just goes "Rachel, will you accept this rose?". Blakely is stunned. But she made a scrapbook!

That was a poorly produced moment. Yet something about the lack of production with it was kind of cool. It's was just cold ass shit.

Poor Blakely. That's gonna be a long plane ride back to Hooters.

Oh, they must have cut that short because of the Casey S drama to come. Or maybe they made this Casey drama because everything else is so boring. Chris comes to the hotel and asks Casey S to talk privately.

Chris: "It was brought to my attention by 3 different people that you're in love with somebody else. Michael is your boyfriend back home?" Kasey says "he's my ex-boyfriend".

Chris says that Michael claims that they're still in a relationship, and they were practically living together before she came on the show.

Oh, now that I've seen Casey speak, she's getting less attractive. She says: "maybe I need to be in therapy or something". Basically, she says that she's still in love with that guy, but she wanted to come on the show and fall for Ben but it COMPLETELY DID NOT HAPPEN.

It's obvious that she has no interest in Ben whatsoever. This has barely anything to do with that other guy. She was fine with going home.

First of all, this is bullshit. Notice that Chris didn't step in when this same situation happened with Bentley. Why? Because he was making good TV! Meanwhile, Casey wasn't saying shit. The only way to make good TV with her was to bring it up, cause Lord knows she was never going to say anything.

Funny moment: Chris brings Casey up to speak with Ben, and Ben opens the door and there are cameras in there already. And Ben acts all "shocked".

Casey sits with Ben and says "I came into this wanting to get over a guy that I was in love with who never wanted to get married". She says she's not completely over him. Chris awkwardly sits nearby as all this is going on.

Casey says "honestly" a lot. Casey starts crying about how she "should" want to be with a guy like Ben who wants to get married. Ha. Yeah, that's about all he has to offer at this point.

Ben says: "I think you should go home", and he says it like he's the one making the decision. Fuck you, buddy, that wasn't your call at all. Guess what sound Casey makes:



Let's be clear: Casey is not crying over Ben. She's crying because that Michael guy still isn't going to marry her.

Casey says "it wasn't Ben, now I have to find someone else!" like it's a horrible chore. I'm sure it's really hard for her to find guys to go out with. Well, after that crying exhibition, it might be.

Nikki's the girl who thinks that what she and Ben have is really special, with no clue about how much better it is for him with the other girls. She is going to be really sad.

Chris' hair doctor is genius.

Jamie decides it's do or die time, and I love that decision. Most women sit back and assume they're good to go. Jamie knows extreme actions are required. Thus, she straddles Ben, rips her skirt, and then makes out with him. It's very uncomfortable because it's completely not her, and also she keeps laughing when she starts kissing him because the whole thing is so ridiculous.

Jamie: "I feel like I'm sexy and pretty and whatever".

Oh my God, she's so bad at everything, and that includes whatever. She's making me hate sex.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

If Jamie is still here after this, I will start pulling a Costanza and doing the opposite of every instinct I have.

NIKKI - she might go to the final four, but that's her limit

COURTNEY - skinny dipping

EMILY - thank you

The Jamie era has finally ended. It's a travesty she lasted longer than Jennifer, or anyone else for that matter, but I'm glad it's over.

Jamie: "I've never met a guy like Ben before". Be thankful for that!

Next week: Belize. Courtney was like, there two weeks ago. She's from Belize. She once owned Belize. She was the queen of Belize but she relinquished her throne because they wouldn't let her go skinny dipping.