Let's begin...
Oh shit. I forgot Lindzi was still here. She's the first hometown visit and guess what? She's riding another horse! Dance with the one that brung ya, I guess.
Lindzi is from Florida, that makes sense. Lindzi: "If Ben ends up with me, horses are going to be a big part of our life together". Lindzi, don't you understand that Ben is constantly on the move, his schedule is unpredictable and he never knows where he'll be next! He can't be tied down with a horse.
The wind is not doing Lindzi's hair any favors. Ben has never done his hair any favors.
Ben seems a little annoyed that Lindzi went out with other people before he met her. That bitch.
Ben kisses her, and does the rare double lick of his lips! Have you people been picking up on this? He licks his lips right before every kiss in a really gross way. This time, possibly because of the windy conditions, he doubled up. Here he is mid-lick...
We meet Lindzi's parents, and guess what they want to do? Carriage racing! Ugh, enough with the horses. Maybe this is why Lindzi is forced to whore herself out to a reality show just to find a man. She's probably rejected tons of awesome dudes just because they wanted to drive a car instead of saddling up.
We hear a lot about Lindzi's heart break with her last boyfriend, but don't get any real specifics on why she got dumped. My guess is he horsed around on her.
Lindzi is an only child. Huge surprise there. Her favorite TV show is Luck. Favorite movie actress: Julia Roberts. Favorite TV actress: Sarah Jessica Parker. Football player? Peyton Manning. She's strongly in favor of the new rule adopted by the NFL which penalizes teams 15 yards for horse collar tackles. Face masks? Well, that's a horse of a different color.
Kacie is next. She's from Tennessee. A high school band greets Ben, along with Kacie. She looks like a mess. Oh, it's raining. This girl's hair needs pristine conditions to look okay. She's like the boy in the bubble, if her hair leaves that bubble it will die, and by die I mean turn into an afro.
Kacie tells Ben that her dad is a probation officer and doesn't drink, she says "we're in the Bible belt, Ben". This is a slight problem because Ben pretends to make wine for a living. Thank God it's all a lie.
We meet Kacie's mom, dad, and sister. They appear to all be white. She looks nothing like her dad. It's possible that her mom banged Steve McNair. RIP.
Kacie's sister is cute in a backwoods, cousin fucking way. I'd say it's a toss up between the two.
Ben always acts like he's shocked that he likes someone. "She's really surprised me!" Shut up, you're lucky to be here, stop acting like you're not.
Kacie's mom is a huge fan of the Bachelor, as a TV show. So she knows how this is all playing out, I like it. She doesn't want Ben and Kacie to live together before getting hitched. Considering the circumstances, it's a very strange concern. I mean, she knows the Fantasy Suites are coming up next week. I'd be much more worried about what Ben intends to do with his penis on national TV.
Kacie's parents are emphatic about her not living in sin. They are so against that. I will never understand the south.
Her dad says that if Ben asked for his permission to marry her, he would say no. These are the people who vote for Rick Santorum.
Nicki's up next, she's from Fort Worth, Texas. I feel so sad for Nikki's body. Her face is fine, her boobs are good, but she is really shaped like a pear. She has the anti-Courtney body.
Since they're in Texas they have to go shopping for cowboy boots and hats. Is the Civil War still being fought?
Ben: "I don't think you're beating a dead horse". Thank God he didn't say that to Lindzi.
Ben seems more affectionate with Nicki.
Nicki is a good person. A real, normal, good person. She's making me feel bad about the pear thing. But wait...incoming!
We meet Nicki's mom, dad, and brother. Her parents have been divorced almost her whole life. The way Nicki is talking to her mom, it seems like she's in love with the idea of being married. I think she wants to make up for what her parents didn't have. There's some fairy tale life she thinks she missed out on growing up. And she's wrong.
I love Nicki's dad. He feels bad for letting Nicki marry that good for nothin', sum bitch. He cries. Rednecks, they're just like us. Except racist.
Ben didn't touch his supper.
Guys, this might sound crazy, that I'm falling for the editing, but Nicki is moving up my list. Now I think it could be Nicki vs. Courtney, with the more obvious, more reasonable finale being Nicki vs. Kacie.
Courtney's turn, so Ben heads to Crazy Town, Arizona. Courtney says she hasn't been with a guy who didn't break her heart or let her down, but Ben is different. Yeah, he is different, he's not cool or good looking.
We meet Courtney's mom, dad, and sister. She looks just like her mom. Her mom is skeptical. She sort of implies that while Ben is polite, he's clearly not at the Courtney level. He's not pure evil enough.
Courtney keeps saying two things: that she's "falling" for Ben, and that all men have "betrayed" her. I don't believe either one, but I hope the betrayed thing is true.
She takes him for a picnic where a wedding is setup. Courtney is wearing white. She announces that they are going to write vows. She also brought a bow tie for him. It's all annoying and lame.
They exchange vows. Just what all guys love to do! Why have just one wedding when you can have a bunch of fake ones?
Courtney plagiarized her vows from "Sex and the City". Seriously, she does. She can't even come up with real words to say to him. I think she's using this as her audition reel.
She reveals that she's in love with him. Ben probably believes it.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
Oh man, Nicki just lost all of the goodwill she built up with the dress she is wearing. Yikes. "Do you have that in a size dumpy?"
COURTNEY - the dream lives
LINDZI - WHAT THE HELL?!! I just yelled at the TV and now my voice is horse.
NICKI - unreal.
I can't believe he got rid of Kacie, but here's an important thing to note: Kacie's dad very specifically told Ben if you're not going all the way with Kacie, let her go now. That has to be what this is, but still...she was the front runner in my book.
It's not so much that Kacie's going home, it's that she's going home and Lindzi is still here. Lindzi is ridiculous, I barely remember that she's even on the show.
Ben says goodbye to Kacie and she is totally cool about it. Until...
Kacie does the limo cry. She squeals "Why am I not good enough, like, I don't get it!" And "this is why I don't love, this is why! I loved him and I don't know what to do now. How did this happen? What the fuck happened? What the fuck happened?!"
So unfortunate, yet so funny. Oh Kacie, don't go out like that. It's only Ben. It's only Ben!
To me, this means that Courtney "wins". I see no other way.
Next week: we're off to Switzerland. It's majestic. And the producers send in one of the rejected girls to talk shit about Courtney. Well, at least they're trying.
Goodnight.
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