Sean the Boring Bachelor, Ep 3

Bacheor Producers: "Hmmm, how should we start this episode off? With Sean shirtless again? YEP". And so here are, gazing lustily at Sean as he goes through his workout routine. However, they neglect the part of the routine where he shaves off all of his body hair and thanks Jesus.

The first one on one date is with the Washington DC girl, Lesley. You may remember that last week she was revealed to have a nice stomach. She is cute. But is she flashy enough to win this thing? Off stomach alone, I'd say yes. Is Sean smart enough for her? Who cares! Have you seen his perfectly bald body?

They go to the Guinness World of Records in Hollywood, and both seem miserable to be there. Lesley can barely pretend that this is a "fun date". Something you guys need to know is that Sean's Dad likes to "do stuff outside of the norm". Apparently, his Dad has the world record for driving through the 48 states in the shortest amount of time. That is outside the norm. The norm would've been doing fun things with his life.

Sean thought it would be fun for them to break a record of their own. They're really using his bio here. Maybe that's not the best idea. The record they will break: longest on screen kiss.

Lesley calls the idea "the coolest thing I can imagine". Look out Guillermo Del Toro, someone might have your imagination beat.

The record is 3 minutes and 16 seconds. So basically this is just a way to kill time on a show that's 2 hours and should really be 1. We literally just watch them kiss for 3 minutes. It's as boring as all of Sean's kisses, only multiplied by 3 minutes.

Some girls on the street tell Chris Harrison that it's "a little awkward watching someone makeout". First of all, this is not making out. Second of all, sounds like you've never been on spring break.

Sean: "Lesley is a great kisser". They are seriously barely touching lips and laughing the whole time. Does no one know how to do sex stuff on this show?

You know who I hate the most? The guy with the clipboard and the stopwatch acting all official. Fuck off.

I might be falling for Lesley. She's too good for him! Am I crazy? Or is she a million times better than Desiree, who seemed to jump into the lead last week?

We've got our first tongue! Sean finally unleashed it. Sometimes when you ask what Jesus would do, the answer comes back tongue. Hallelujah. Mary may have been a virgin, but her mouth wasn't. Hey oh! Cause it was filled. With tongue...shut up.

Lesley says "the evening has been magical. In a very good way". As opposed to the bad, black magic Voldemort way.

Group date. Beach volleyball! You know what that means: bathing suits and a lack of coordination. The girls demand that Sean take off his shirt, and then there's this really embarrassing pan up as Sean takes it off very slowly. Then the black girl starts massaging his pristine pecs. Is anyone else hard right now?

Then someone else sits on him while he does pushups. I think they're just recreating the Rocky 3 montage.

Many of these women are flat chested. That could be good for their volleball skills. Seriously though, no one has boobs! Desiree = nothing. Jackie, zip. Kacie B. has an inverted chest. You'd think getting fake boobs would come before going on a reality show. What has happened to the priorities in this country?

The Tierra girl is chunky. The Asian is the only one who has improved her hotness by being in a bikini. That's a sad statement of affairs.

"This volleyball game is the most important game of my life". 

Let's just say the US Olympic volleyball team won't be looking to pick up any prospects from this game.

The team with Kacie B. and Desiree wins. Chunky, Kristy, the Asian and some others lose. That means they have to go home. The black Leslie is crying. Sweetie, the less he sees you, the better.

Lindsay, drunk wedding dress girl, was on the winning team. She gets some alone time. She says to Sean "Oh my gosh, I am just so amazed by you. You are everything I'm looking for. You're handsome, on paper, and I feel chemistry". So he's only handsome on paper? I'm gonna give her a pass, that might've been a bad edit.

Sean likes her. You know who Lindsay is exactly like? George W. Bush. She set the bar incredibly low for herself at the beginning, and now everything she does seems semi-impressive because you assumed she was retarded.

They makeout and once again Sean goes hardcore tongue. What has gotten into this guy? I mean, besides the spirit of the Lord.

Tierra has a God Damn spare tire around her belly. Jeez. She's this season's Kacie B., even though we already have the actual Kacie B. 

Amanda gets alone time, and Desiree hates on her some more. She calls her a groupie. And she's "kinda dark". And she doesn't mean in the African American way. Oh fuck, Kacie B. is taking it on herself to bring up this Amanda thing. Wasn't she the one pissing Ben off by talking shit about that other girl? Chill out, Kacie, B. Do you, girl.

She gets Sean alone and says Desiree and Amanda are fighting. Dude, he doesn't want to hear about your girl problems. Nobody does. That goes for women in general, no one wants to hear it! Sean asks the appropriate question "Why are you saying something to me?" and "Why are you involving yourself?" Exactly!

Kacie says she's stuck in the middle so "I have to tell you what's going on". What does that even mean? Oh Kacie, you are turning awful. I'm so glad I'm with Lesley now.

Ha! Sean says "I want you to act like Kacie, not this crazy person I'm seeing now". Sean is suddenly very appealing. Between tongue and keeping it real, I want him to give me a rose.

Sean gives the rose to Lindsay. Comeback player of the year.

The last one on one date is with AshLee. She's hot, but she's 32, so she's got one foot in the grave.

She's got two big advantages over the rest of the house - left booby and right booby.

As she's waiting for Sean to arrive, Tierra takes a spill on the stairs. Oh my God! This is just like the documentary I told you about, "The Staircase"! Maybe Michael Peterson did it. Or...maybe he was just nearby and it was a coincidence.

Hey, at least she had a lot of padding for the fall.

Sean explains that he's had "several concussions". Shocker.

The ambulance comes, but only because they wanted something to put in the commercials a thousand times. They give her one of those funny neck braces. Those neck braces are always funny.

The whole time, Tierra is saying "I don't want to do this". It feels like she's not hurt at all and they're forcing her to go to the hospital for the drama. Finally, they let her get up and she's fine. The other girls basically say that she probably has Munchausen Syndrome.

Raise your hand if you only know about Munchausen Syndrome from that one Eminem song.

Sean and AshLee go on a date to an amusement park. Because Sean is super into charity, they have to also hang out with some sick kids. Romantic! Nothing makes the panties wet like young death.

The little girl has a thing in her neck and it's really sad. Not good for the jokes, people. I don't know how the date is going, but I know that we are all going to die.

AshLee: "This is the perfect date for Sean to take me on". Women are liars.

After going on rides, they listen to Sean's favorite band, The Eli Young band. Who? I don't know. This is what the hillbillies like, I guess. Everyone awkwardly dances. Did I mention that life is pointless and miserable? Cause this date keeps reminding me.

Ashlee is so cute you almost forget that she's old as dirt. She's appealing to Sean's religious side. Smart. She was adopted when she was six, and when she was in a foster home, she was abused. Yikes. What the hell are they trying to do to me with this date? Please, tell us more about the time you were given away and then taken advantage of, it's making me want to marry you. 

It seems like this particular date was coordinated for this girl. She's one of those people who have all this terrible stuff happen to her and then tells you how lucky she is. Well, if it doesn't work out with Sean, there's always Tebow.

Uh oh, she says she's "falling in love". And that it feels so good to tell him everything. Maybe it's just me, but I wait for the 2nd date before I tell people about my childhood being ruined.

She is way too invested right now. Life altering trauma part 2 is coming soon to a rose ceremony near you.

Cocktail party. Hey, those sick kids were great and all, but how about they cheer us up by showing us that chick with one and a half arms. There she is! She didn't go out on any dates. Sean decides to cheer her up by bringing her dog to the house. And by "Sean decides" I mean "The producers decided".

Sean talks with Tierra, and she's gained 10 more pounds since her head injury. The only way to tell if she's really hurt is if she suddenly turned into a nice person.

Desiree "steals" Sean away from Tierra. Then, Tierra steals him back! The double steal! Maybe because of her concussion she doesn't remember talking to him the first time.

Kacie gets her chance to apologize for her misstep on the date. Kacie informs him that it's a "two way street". She knows that she's not the one giving out roses, right?

Kacie's conversation gets interrupted by two other women, one of them being that hot Osama Bin Laden lover, Selma. Nose job and Muslim Brotherhood be damned, I like her!

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

Sean is about to announce the first name, and then pauses and asks to talk to Kacie alone. Uh oh. The women note that he brought a rose with him while going to talk to her. These girls become very intelligent when it comes to other bitches getting some.

But they're wrong. Sean doesn't want to humiliate Kacie at the rose ceremony, so instead he humiliates her on the front steps. Very kind. He sends her packing, supposedly because he couldn't move her out of the friend zone. Or maybe it was because of that time that she turned into a gossipy, flat chested, hater.

TIERRA - bummer for the guys who work in catering, start cooking!

BLACK LESLIE - how?! Why?!

CATHERINE - the Asian. She is getting better looking every week.

DANIELLA - she is what those in the gay world call, a hot mess

ROBIN - the other black girl. She didn't speak the whole episode. Good strategy.

SELMA - Allah Akbar.

SARAH - the one armed bandit

JACKIE - great face, bad boobs

AMANDA - gross!!!

DESIREE - duh

Were they really trying to pretend that the last rose was dramatic? Desiree was a lock.  But that means that Kristy is gone. I'm not all about looks (yes, I am), but she's about a thousand times better looking than Black Leslie, Amanda, and Daniella. I don't understand religious people. Too charitable and not superficial enough for my tastes.

Taryn is also gone. I don't know who she is either.

Next week: Finally, some time for Selma! Someone alert Al Jazeera. And the black girl does a double entendre with chocolate. Someone else gets injured. And Tierra loses it (not weight, just her mind).

Goodnight.