Before we really begin, Sean gives a summary of his relationship with each of the girls. To recap, Catherine is Filipino and fun and goofy, and if you believe her sisters, a moody, attention starved commitment phobe. Oh, and a tree once fell on her friend's head. AshLee was adopted, molested, and would prefer to be blind. And Lindsay is a teenaged slut.
By the way, Sean is going on Dancing with the Stars. But I'm sure right after that he'll go back to selling insurance in Texas and settle down with one of these 3 girls. There's no way that won't go according to plan.
First up, it's Lindsay. She is tiny, and wearing something that makes it appear like she has boobs. It's quite an illusion, a Copperfield-esque performance.
Whoa! All right, something crazy is happening. They are showing tweets about the show on the bottom of the screen. Way to introduce this 20 seasons and 9 episodes in. Can we just stop it with the social media ploys? If I wanted to know what people were saying on Twitter, I'd go on Twitter.
They go eat weird food. And then Sean attempts to force Lindsay to eat bugs. He's such a dick about this stuff on dates, and he gets mad when the girls don't do all of the horrible shit he wants. He loves torture. He's like Dick Cheney, with hairless pecs.
Lindsay, weak minded as she is, eats the bugs. She hates it. Sean gleefully smiles to camera, "she's a sport, she did it!" Of course she did it, she saw what you did to Selma. She's not a sport, she's a fucking hostage.
Sean tells Lindsay that she's "the best friend that I've been looking for". Really? You were looking for a 24 year old best friend who can't talk and makes up for it by dressing up in wedding gowns and sticking her tongue down your throat? I'm looking for a cool bro to shoot hoops with as a best friend, but that's me.
At long last, Sean takes his shirt off. And then they feed monkeys. Do not feed the monkeys! Have they not seen Hangover 2? I'm asking because I hope they haven't, it's a terrible movie.
"Lindsay has it all". He said it with a straight face.
Sean seems to really be into this girl. And they aren't really setting up the "she's too young to get married" grenade. If anything, they are going overboard trying to say that she's totally ready. Well, we know she has the dress.
At dinner, guess what Sean compliments Lindsay on? Eating all of the gross stuff at the market. See? It was a test. And she passed by being as insecure as humanly possible.
The fantasy suite card makes it's first appearance of the season. And holy shit, Lindsay says no! Just kidding, he showed her the card and she immediately got naked and spread her legs.
They tease it for a long time, and finally Lindsay tells him that she's in love with him. I don't think I can be in love with someone until I've had sex with them. That's part of love. Hello? It's called love making, people. You can't know if you haven't made it yet. But seriously. Some people suck at sex, and then afterwards, they'd be all, "I thought you were in love with me?" And then I'd have to say, "well, I was, but then you kind of just laid there, so I fell out of love". So let's save us both the heartache and wait 'till after to exchange pleasantries.
Lindsay comes out of this date as the clear favorite. Because yes, Sean is that dumb.
Second date is with AshLee. Sean says that on their last date, AshLee told him she loved him many, many times. And he says that like it's a bad thing. Cause it is.
Sean brags about how on this date he's gonna make AshLee do a bunch of shit she hates. He says, "this is gonna be scary for her". Hey, how about instead, you just let her have fun and be happy? No? Okay. Commence water boarding.
They have to swim in a cave to get to their hang out spot. AshLee is freaked out, especially because she was molested in a cave.
She keeps saying that she's more vulnerable and terrified than she's ever been in her entire life. She was adopted by a cave.
It should be mentioned, for the record, that AshLee is smoking hot. Bat shit crazy? Yes. But smoking hot nonetheless.
AshLee talks some nonsense about how she wants to go to the fantasy suite, but morally she can't do stuff if he's gonna do that stuff with the other girls. Whatever. You know you're gonna suck some dick. You're in the final 3, it's no time to get soft! (pun wasn't intended but now it is)
Sean presents the card, and then explains to AshLee that he's not going to fuck her...yet. They're just going to "talk". Yep, that's what I tell the ladies too. Let's just talk! How many times do you think "let's just talk" has led to insertion? How about, every fricking time.
Someone from "BachelorNation", just tweeted "if I went to the fantasy suite with Sean I would only allow heavy petting". Okay, maybe this twitter thing isn't the worst thing in the world.
Third date. Catherine. The Asian. Let's hope she's not in one of her "moods". I wonder how Sean is going to torture her on this date. Deadly eels? Face eating monkeys? More time with her family?
Instead, they go on a boat and Catherine does her best Titanic impression. If the boat goes down, you know Sean isn't sharing his piece of wood.
For absolutely no reason, Sean begins questioning if Catherine could settle down with him in Dallas. I'm not sure why he would doubt her more than the others, but he does. Thus, either setting us up with a giant mislead, or giving himself evidence for the dumpage to come.
You know what they call Filipinos? Asians with asses. Not so in Catherine's case. Sadly, the white half of her went to the ass. Bummer.
This is how selfish this motherfucker is. Look how he kisses her:
Sean says that Catherine "gets him" better than anyone else. There is tons to get with him, you guys.
Everyone keeps saying how weird Catherine is. You know what weird girls love to do? Get engaged and then run for the fucking hills. I have to say, I don't know if the sisters got to me or what, but Catherine really does seem different to me now. She is kind of a downer.
"You're such a hunk!" Ha. "You're so beefy and hunky". What is happening?! "I never thought I'd be with someone like that". Whoa! Catherine just revealed that she was made fun of a lot and she used to be a fat girl. Ladies and gentleman, it's Monica Gellar!
Such a weird little piece of dialogue, basically saying that she still feels like a fat girl and can't believe that she's hooking up with a good looking guy. We've learned a lot about Catherine tonight.
Oh my God, a horrible promo for the movie "Oz" is introduced by Chris Harrison. I feel terrible for everyone. Someone has to pay for those fantasy suites, I guess, I just never imagined it would be James Franco.
Who is going home? This is tough. Usually the Bachelor drops some hints to the girls in order to lessen the pain, but I feel like Sean acted like he was in love with all of them. The only one he showed a little bit of doubt over is Catherine. Though he did seem a bit wary of AshLee's craziness. Combine that and the fact that she's practically a spinster, I say AshLee is toast. If he brings a blindfold to the final rose ceremony, we know it's her.
Sean watches video messages from the girls, mostly because they didn't have enough content for this episode. They are as normal as they can be, until it's AshLee's turn. She cries through hers, not helping herself at all. Sean looks concerned. Or maybe he just has to poop.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
Sean gives a speech about how Emily dumped him at this point in her season, and his worst fear is that one of them will feel "blindsided". Um, then maybe you shouldn't have taken the girl you're getting rid of into the fantasy suite and acted like you loved her!
As Sean lifts the first rose, Lindsay says "fuck" out loud. Cause she's marriage material.
LINDSAY - man's best friend.
(the pauses are the longest they've ever been)
CATHERINE - I think she's going all the way. That would be historic - breaking the yellow barrier.
Okay, prepare for water works.
Instead, AshLee looks PISSED. And then, on cue, Lindsay says "she looks PISSED!".
AshLee doesn't want to even talk to him. But he makes her. He calls it the hardest decision he's ever had to make. She doesn't say anything back. She just gets in the car. She interviews "this wasn't a silly game to me. This wasn't about laughing and joking". Of course it wasn't, you're over 30! This was your last chance at a hunk. Now you have to slum it with dudes like me.
The only thing that could make this worse is if a cave didn't give her a rose.
It's funny, Lindsay and Catherine really did look like two little girls standing next to AshLee. They didn't seem worthy. If you were just looking at the 3 of them together, you would guess AshLee would be the clear winner. Maybe I'm undervaluing the ability to not be bat shit crazy.
Next week: The women tell all! I guarantee they tell all...about how much they hate Tierra.
Goodnight.
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