Here's what we're all expecting: Ben chooses Courtney. After the final rose: they're already broken up. Let's see if we're going to waste 3 hours finding out what we already know:
Oh, by the way, I saw this headline today: "Ben the Bachelor Explains Why He Comes Off So Boring on TV". Didn't read it, I assume it said it's because he's boring in real life.
We are at the Matterhorn. Ben's mom and sister are there, and they both try to not look exactly like Ben and fail miserably.
It almost looks like Ben is shaving the sides of his head and then the hair from the top of his head is hanging over. That's the only way I can describe it.
Ben's sister tells him that a girl who doesn't get along with other girls is a red flag. Uh, where were you 5 episodes ago?
Lindzi is up first. She meets Ben's peeps. Again, so bizarre that she's here in the finale. It seems like they've barely had even one legitimate conversation. Lindzi is nervous and keeps dropping her utensils. She's babbling. It's like she's suddenly realizing that "winning" means actually being with Ben.
At one point, Lindzi confuses Ben's sister for Ben and starts to make out with her, but then realizes her mistake when the sister didn't lick her lips first. That's how much they look alike.
Ben's sister asks Lindzi about Courtney and the girls not getting along with her. I don't even remember Lindzi ever talking to Courtney. She's barely been on the show! Sadly, she's the worst representative to talk shit about Courtney.
Courtney's turn to meet the family. She immediately gets grilled about her relationships with the other girls. She tries to explain herself. However, Ben's mom and sister are already biased against her because Courtney's a model and they are unattractive.
It appears that Courtney's magical manipulations don't work as well on women. Imagine that. Maybe she should invite his sister to go skinny dipping.
Hold the phone! Courtney has still got it. She completely tricked Ben's sister and got her on her side. She's amazing. Is there something in those eyebrows that hypnotizes people?
Time for the last one on one dates. Lindzi first...
Oh boy, more horses. Ben drives up in a horse drawn carriage. I bet the Bachelor Copter is jealous.
They go skiing. But first, they take a gondola ride up the mountain, stop in the middle, and say lame stuff to each other. Lindzi "This love I feel is bigger than any love I've felt before". What a shitty life she's had.
Later that night, they cozy up next to a fire and drink wine. Lindzi claims that she uses humor to shield her feelings. We have seen no evidence of her using humor ever. Maybe she meant to say horses instead of humor.
Lindzi spills her guts to Ben. Every time she says I love you she does a weird thing with her face, like it's the most painful thing to say in the world.
I hate when Ben says "I was waiting for you to get to this point, and be able to say this stuff to me". It's like he thinks every girl will eventually fall in love with him at some point, and Lindzi is some kind of asshole because it took her longer than everyone else.
Courtney's turn. And the Bachelor Copter returns. They fly above the Matterhorn and make out.
Everyone always sends me this so I might as well post it:
Ben cooks. They chat. They kiss. So of course Ben does this:
Courtney makes one of those dumb scrapbooks. I used to know the percentages on scrapbooks given before the final rose, but I forget it. I think it was usually bad to give one, but she might break that streak.
If this was a football game, Courtney was already up 45-17, and that scrapbook was a completely unnecessary Hail Mary with time running out just to run up the score.
And now, she goes in for the real kill. We've seen this pattern before. Courtney brings on the water works, and makes Ben feel like he has wronged her. She tells him she was surprised his mom and sister brought up the other girls thing and that wasn't cool of him. Since we've been watching all season, we can only assume this is totally working and messing with his head in just the right way.
I don't know if anyone has a better life than Neil Lane. He flies to awesome places, sits with some dumb schmuck for 2 minutes and sells him a ring that will be immediately returned, and then enjoys the rest of his vacation.
The girls get ready for the final rose, and for some reason Lindzi dresses like Robinhood. She's got a cape on. Maybe it's the Green Lantern, I don't know, it's something inappropriate.
FINAL ROSE TIME
The first woman shows up, and getting out of the helicopter it's...
A green cape. Who could it possibly be? They slowly pan up on the cape like we're a bunch of idiots. It's LINDZI, the Green Hornet. And this has indeed been a complete waste of time.
Ben gives her the big speech. Says he fell in love with her, then does the giant sigh. The sigh that says I'm about to make you look like a big idiot on national TV. He apologizes. She is stunned and says nothing, and then Ben awkwardly says "Can I walk you out?" Out where? You're on a fucking mountain.
Lindzi still hasn't spoken.
Finally, she says she's mad at herself for not giving him "what he needed". I think she's talking about handjobs.
"If things don't work out, call me"
Oh Lindzi, that's even more embarrassing than Kacie's crazy limo hysterics.
Shit, Courtney is sort of wearing a cape too. I didn't know it was cape weather. Hers is white. The cape comes off and she's wearing a pretty hot black dress. She knows what she's doing.
Ben gives her the big speech, and then the sigh and a "BUT". But it's all trickery, because he is indeed proposing. They tried to fake us out and it was shitty. Courtney resists the urge to punch him in his dumb face.
He gets down on one knee and pops the question, and she says yes. You did it, Courtney. You "won". I bet she's regretting not going on Survivor or something where when you win you get a million bucks. Instead, she gets a ring and a dork.
Courtney looks about a thousand times too good looking for him right now. It's odd seeing them next to each other as a couple.
All right, it's time for After the Final Rose, you can scroll up for that...
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