Backup Quarterback Syndrome

Matt Cavanaugh is the greatest quarterback in San Francisco 49ers history. In 1984, the year they went 18-1 and won the Super Bowl, he threw zero interceptions.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, he was also sitting on the bench as Joe Montana's backup.

But that's the exact reason why he was the greatest. He could do no wrong. And when he actually got into a game, he had a golden arm. That season he threw 4 touchdowns and no picks. Extrapolating that to a 16 game season, that works out to something like 100 touchdowns and no interceptions.

That was the Matt Cavanaugh in our heads. It seemed like he could do that.

And that's the backup QB syndrome. It happens every year. There's always a guy who seems like he could be the savior, even when you don't need one. The backup always is filled with possibility, while the guy on the field is a known, limited, boring quantity.

Here are some famous ones:

Billy Volek, Doug Flutie, Bill Musgrave, Gary Kubiak, Scott Mitchell, AJ Feeley, Tommy Maddux, Jason Garrett, Elvis Grbac, Matt Schaub, Kevin Kolb, and Tim Tebow.

There's one name we need to add to that list:

Chris Christie.

Chris Christie is the Republican Matt Cavanaugh.

And I guess after today, he's gonna stay on the sidelines with the clipboard. And that's probably a good decision, because you can't fuck up on the sidelines. He gets to stay perfect, a conservative voter's fantasy: He'll never raise taxes, never allow a Mexican to cross the border, and always hate black people.

When the truth is that if he ever got in the game, the Republican base would find out that he's into gun control, he believes in science, and worst of all, he's constantly staring down his receivers before making a pass. Sorry, that last one was about the actual Matt Cavanaugh.

The fact is, when most backup QBs get their shot at the starting job, they end up looking like Rick Perry.

And that's why the real genius in all of this is Sarah Palin. If you think she looks retarded now, think of the retardedness we'd see if she was actually running. Right now, this is Sarah Palin looking like she has potential. How fucking scary is that?

The field is a mess. You know it's bad when Herman Cain has moved to the front of the pack. Leave it to the Republicans to get behind the most racist black guy there is. They could never like a regular black guy, it has to be the guy who wants all Muslims deported.

I think it all comes down to one thing: they know Obama can be beaten, and they're scared to death to put their money on a Mormon.

So they're testing every non-Mormon out to make sure they're not complete fuckups before they take that plunge. And thus far, Pawlenty, Bachmann, Perry, they've all been a bunch of Scott Mitchells.