Bachelor Pad. Season 3. Ep 1.

Back to back nights? Yep. Hey, at least I'm getting paid for this. Oh.

Let's meet the new members of the pad...

LIPLESS. It appears from the previews that he is going to emerge as a strong personality on this show. I find that weird because he could barely talk to Emily without breaking down in tears. He tells us that he's most excited to meet Lindzi, from Ben's season. What?

LINDZI. I forgot she made it to the final 2 in Ben's season. By the way, whatever happened to Ben and Courtney? Why weren't they at the "After the Final Rose" last night? They must want to keep that Courtney stink away from Emily.

REID. Back again for another try. How crazy is it that he got denied TWICE by Jillian? That is embarrassing.

ED. Remember him? He "won" the Bachelorette. Unfortunately, winning involved sleeping with Jillian. But he did cheat on her, which is respectable.

BLAKELY. The VIP Hooters cocktail waitress. Wait, she says she's had an epiphany! And now she's a professional waxer. She removes hair from taints for a living. That was her epiphany. Oh Blakely, I've missed you.

JACLYN. She's from Ben's season. Okay, this young lady found me on twitter and yelled at me for making fun of her in my recaps. Ha! But actually, she was kinda cool about it so I can't hate. It was funny though. Let's just say, in the looks department she's not my type.

KALON. Is this guy actually rich? Why won't they tell us? What does he do? They present him to be exactly like Patrick Bateman from American Psycho, but even more detestable.

NICK. He's the (formerly) blonde personal trainer guy. Funny, he has also contacted me. He emailed me to say he enjoyed the recaps. He also vowed to get on the Bachelor Pad and rip it up. Seems like a cool dude, doesn't take it that seriously. I'm on Team Nick!

RACHEL. She was on Ben's season, and is another person I'm a big fan of. Her body is crazy. Yes, she might possible be 40 years old, but I don't care.

SARAH. This girl is a bit of a mystery. Why? Because she's from Brad's first season. That was a long time ago. She reminds us that she got eliminated when she couldn't tell the difference between Brad and his (not) identical twin brother Chad. Holy shit! I love it. I totally forgot about her, but now that I remember that, she's in my Hall of Fame. That was possibly the greatest episode in the history of this show.

RYAN. Another mystery. Why? Because he's (sorta) black! They don't let black people on this show. Well, I guess they used to, because he was on DeAnna's season. He was a virgin. Oh yeah, I remember him now, he's gay. Totally gay. He tells us he's still a virgin..and 32 years old...and gay.

TONY. He's from Emily's season, and got real vocal at the Men Tell All. He's the guy who is always saying how much he misses his kid, yet here he is on another show. Guess he doesn't have any custody. Or he's just a deadbeat.

MICHAEL S. People love this guy, except women who go out with him for any length of time.

ERICA. This is her job now. She just comes on this show, that's it. She tells us that she knows Kalon from "the Houston social scene". What the hell? Houston has a social scene? And there's white people in it? She says that she went to the tabloids about Kalon and is nervous that he's in the house too.

Whoa. Erica just called Kalon "American Psycho". She asks Kalon not to bring how she looks. Kinda hard not to do that. Although her lips do look better. Her dad finally got the right amount of CCs in there.

JAMIE. From Ben's season. She's the girl who never said a word, and then tried to "spice it up" with a lap dance, and it was awkward cause she tried to tell him how to kiss. That was bad. Especially because it was Ben.

Also coming into the Bachelor Pad this season: some hardcore Bachelor fans. As mentioned before, this is stealing from the Real World/Road Rules Challenge formula, which I am totally fine with.

PAIGE. She's dorky cute, though mostly dorky. She tells us that she likes Lipless.

CHRIS. A SWAT officer. They show him training. And then, and this is the GREATEST, they show him in his pajamas, sitting on his couch with a glass of wine, watching the Bachelor. It's the most embarrassing thing ever. Even more embarrassing: right now I'm in my pajamas on my couch drinking a glass of wine.

DONNA. She says the Bachelor Pad is "literally" made for her. She loves wearing bikinis, and she should, because her body is fantastic. She loves Michael S., in fact, she loves him so much that they show her sketching his face. What the hell is happening? Maximum creepiness!

DAVID. He's not attractive. So of course, he loves Lindzi and Blakely. Gross. This was the best they could do for fans?

ERICA and BRITTANY. The blonde twins. They're not even cute, they're just twins who are blonde. Instead of talking about who they like, they just hate on everyone. Okay, these are real fans. One of the twins is a virgin, I forget which. I wonder if when the one twin got fucked, the other had an orgasm.

Jaclyn says she can be fake and manipulative, so she's the full package. That's the full package, all right. Well, except for looks and a lot of other stuff. 

Ryan says the fans are gonna have an advantage because the Bachelor people don't know anything about them, but the fans know all about the Bachelor people. You're forgetting that no one knows who you are, Ryan.

I cannot express to you enough how insane Donna's ass is. Also, her boobs.

David walks into the house and starts calling everyone by name without being introduced. He looks to Nick, "you're a personal trainer". I hate to say this, cause I really hate David already, but this guy is kinda my surrogate.

FYI: The twins are playing as one person.

Sarah is a huge hater. And she needs to settle down, because she couldn't tell Brad from Chad. So shut up.

Ed immediately gets hammered. He strips down and jumps in the pool. It's so funny that he's the guy Jillian chose, like they were going to get married. Man, I hate her. That was her problem, she was even dumber than she was not fun to look at.

Harrison tells them they have to couple up for a competition tomorrow. Reid picks Paige, because she's sweet and her name is Paige. Erica picks Nick. Chris picks Blakely, and quickly regrets it as Blakely starts ordering him around.

Donna picks Kalon. Jaclyn picks Ed, who is passed out in the hot tub. Only a drunk ass would accept her invitation. Every one of Ed's actions make Jillian look even stupider. She could've had Reid!

Sarah is with Michael. The twins are with Dave. Lindzi is with Tony. Rachel is with Swat.

The first competition involves them having to stay inside a heart shaped contraption that is hanging upside down. Whoever stays inside the longest, wins. The first couple to fall out, automatically gets a vote against them for elimination.

It's not really fair because Nick is too big to fit in the heart. And he falls out first (with Erica).
It comes down to Reid and Paige, versus David and the twin. Nobody wants David and the twin to win, cause they're all new people and everyone hates the twins. Even Kalon hates the twins. So of course, they win.

They go to Santa Monica for their "dream" date. And since their fans they have to nauseate us with remembrances of Bachelor dates past. In honor of Ben and Courtney, they go skinny dipping. Okay, that was kinda good. I respect the knowledge and the shout out.

Back at the house, Jamie attempts the robbery. She pulls Chris aside, and they go into a room and make out. Not sure if Jamie gave him instructions first. Blakely sniffs it out and intrudes upon them. Poor Blakely. It's not easy being 50 years old and a waxing specialist.

David and the twins wisely get together with the other new people and vote as a block. They want to get rid of my boy Nick, and Erica. But stupidly, David tells everyone his plan, completely ruining it.

By the way, how is Erica still 30?

Basically, David fucked over the new people by blabbing. So Swat is going home over Nick. And then it looks like Paige over Erica.

But Reid likes Paige, so he wants to save her. Funny conversation happens as Michael tells Reid that they are voting out Paige. He adds, it could be Donna "but some of the guys don't want to do that, for physical reasons". Ha.

It looks like Paige is a goner because all of the guys are voting for her. BUT WAIT! There's a wild card: Kalon. And he tells Reid, yeah, I'm fucking with everyone, of course I'm voting against Erica. Yes! See, you can root for Kalon.

The other guys think Kalon is in their pocket. Chris says "Kalon is my bitch". Nice try, Lipless, but nobody is your bitch. In every equation, you are the bitch.

Kalon tells us that he's telling everyone what they want to hear, so we don't really know what he's going to do. But we have to think, because of the big Houston social scene, he is going to vote out Erica.

FINAL ROSE CEREMONY

Going home is...

SWAT and PAIGE

The newbies are gone. Kalon did vote out Erica, but dumbass Swat voted for Paige to leave! Idiot! Fans are stupid. And so are non-fans. So they have that in common.

Swat says "I'm part of the Bachelor family now. I mean, I got a picture with Chris Harrison, how cool is that?" Not that cool, actually. 

Goodnight!