In a related note, yes, I can identify each of these guys just by seeing their magnificent pecs.
We open with...little Steve Zahn! Emily missed her so much, or at least she says she does. Hey, are you guys noticing this one interview with Emily they keep showing where she looks a little different? And the skin on her arm and chest is all splotchy and weird? If not, please take note.
Thank you, Samsung, for making me see the ugly parts of everyone.
Apparently, the hometown visits weren't that interesting, because they open the show with Emily recapping all of the guys and her history with them. Yes, we know. Chris has no lips, Jef is not a man, Ari is homely, and Sean will pin you to a wall and stick his tongue down your throat.
The first date is in Chicago with No Lips. Just think, this could totally be Wolf right now. He'd be doing Wolf things, like, remember that time he played for his high school basketball team and led them to the state champtionship, even though he played the final game as a human. Alas, that was when Wolf was a teen, and he's gone now and we need to move on.
Chris tells us how Polish he is. You know how Polish guys take showers? They piss into fans.
Emily tells us that Chris knows "all of the cool places to show me" in Chicago, and they go into a tiny bar that no one is in that doesn't look cool at all.
This guy fell apart last episode, and he's continuing the descent here. He's just mumbling, and seems on the verge of tears. I can't understand what he's saying, which is understandable, it's impossible to read the lips of someone who doesn't have any.
I hate his mannerisms! He's so awkward it's hard to even watch him.
Chris says his parents are "going to be pumped to meet their future daughter in law". Too bad she's not here.
We meet Chris' parents and two sisters. He wasn't lying, his Dad is super Polish. And one of Chris' sisters is the ugly version of Emily. She must be so sad at that dinner table, "oh, that's what I'm supposed to look like? Shit".
Oh no! Chris' other sister, the better looking brunette, has Chris' lips! God, and genetics, are cruel.
The sister tells Emily that if Chris isn't the one, get rid of him now. Thanks a lot, sis, that gives Emily the easy excuse later. If I got eliminated from this show and then found out my sister said that, I would lose my mind. Let me get to the fantasy suite, bitch! What a cock blocking move. This is the worst episode to leave on. It's right before the overnight. It's pre-ass! You wanna go post ass, that's just basic science.
The visit ends with a big Polish party and some awkward dancing. Since they're Polish I have to assume they got confused and think this is Chris and Emily's wedding reception.
The second date is with Jef in Utah. Remember, they're not in South Carolina where his parents live because they are on their Mormon mission. I'm no expert, but I thought just young people go on missions, but that's how much Jef's parents love winning hearts and minds. They're the Bush and Condi of Mormons.
Jef's family has a ranch and Emily loves it. They ride a dunebuggy of some sort and then shoot guns. Emily is surprised, Jef "in his skinny jeans" is more country than she thought. I love how Emily is pretending she's country, when she revealed a few episodes ago that she's a hoodrat. Her shooting skills come from taking down liquor stores. Luckily she resists the urge to hold it sideways like a G.
LOOPING ALERT! Okay, there's some voice over from Jef. He says "my parents are in South Carolina...doing charity work". And the "doing charity work" part is totally recorded at a different time. That was changed for some reason. It's a Mormon conspiracy. Call Howard Hughes.
Despite the fact that the parents aren't here, there are tons of people meeting Emily. It's not clear who all of these folks are, but it's brother and sisters, possibly some in law. Another drawback of bigamy - too much family. I just hope the little kids with them aren't married too.
Jef's brother Steve is the dick of the family, probably because he's losing his hair while Jef is sporting a prolific mane. Steve grills Emily about love. I bet Emily wishes they allowed alcohol in Utah right now.
Emily is still pretending that she would move somewhere for a guy. Yeah, right.
Steve says: "Jef is a little more wild and moving and shaking..." Yeah, he's real wild. In fairness though, Steve makes Jef look like Tommy Lee.
Later, Jef reads a letter to Emily. They don't have email in Utah yet.
The third date is with Ari in Scottsdale, Arizona. She goes to a track where Ari is racing his car. I guess he wanted to remind her of her dead fiance. Emily describes Ari as looking "stupid hot". I agree with the former, not the latter.
Ari talks to Emily like she's never been in a race car before. For the next part of the date, Ari is going to take her on a small plane to an Indy car event. Jesus. Recognize, son.
I just realized who Ari looks like...
Ari is being all spooky about his parents possibly being jerks, scaring Emily for no reason. Apparently, they're very European. I think they might still be mad about the Revolution or the War of 1812 or some shit.
Sure enough, his parents speak Dutch in front of Emily and make it seem like they're talking trash about her. Emily's hood rat senses are up. "Oh, hell no!"
Ari's Mom gets Emily alone and asks her why it didn't work with Brad. Aren't Europeans supposed to be chill about stuff like this? Where is that dude who raped that maid when you need him?
The Ari's love Emily. There has not been one ounce of drama thus far, every intriguing promo and teaser has been completely manufactured.
And the last date is with Sean, in Dallas. Emily calls Sean perfect. You know who else she called perfect? Doug.
Sean has tremendous confidence. But it's that creepy kind of confidence where he thinks everything is God's will, and Jesus is his co-pilot.
Emily was worried about Sean's house and family being so perfect, and I have to say, it really is perfect. Who is this guy? Everyone is good looking and the place is nice, and there's a giant dollhouse. But then Sean drops the bombshell...
Sean still lives with his parents. Emily interviews to us, "mmmh". Not happy. Then Sean takes Emily up to his room and it's a mess.
Uh oh, I'm smelling a bit. This seems like a prank.
And indeed it is. Oh Lord. They really had nothing this episode, so they made up this crap to try and get something for the promos. This is depressing. Emily doesn't seem to think this "joke" is too funny.
Sean is a big hunk of a man, there's just no denying it.
Sean's Dad is awesome. Maybe he is perfect! But not the Doug kind, the actual kind.
Just in case you were wondering, Sean's Mom? Also perfect!
These people are making the Ari's look like the Mussolini's.
It's funny, after watching the first date, you could almost make a case for Chris. Then you see the last three guys and you can't believe Chris is still on this show. Not for long...
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
Jef looks like he should be sitting at the kids table at this cermony.
ARI
JEF
Gee, will she go for Lipless or the greatest guy who has ever lived...
SEAN
Maybe Chris should've called for a talk with Emily before she said the final name like last week. Wolf is still kicking himself over that maneuver.
They go outside for their final chat. Chris is incensed! What the hell? He's like, "do you have an explanation? It was me. Yes, it was! I don't understand. I told you I loved you!" Guy. Settle. If only you knew how not even close you were.
I knew Wolf, I was friends with Wolf, and you sir, are about the same as Wolf. And have you seen Sean? Have you seen Sean's parents?
"Everything seemed like it was perfect". Chris, maybe that's because you didn't have to look at you.
In the crying car, Chris claims "I'm 10 times the man the rest of the dudes are". You're 10 times worse.
Next week: they head to the Caribbean and Sean says the L word. And it looks like she finally separates the men from the Jef's.
And during the credits, we discover that Sean's family isn't perfect. Their lone flaw: huge fans of the show Punk'd.
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