Bachelor Pad. Season 3, Ep 2.

We begin with the twins. Henceforth known as the Jersey Shore Twins. For some reason, they scream at each other constantly. It is not explained why. Then they hug and laugh. Oh, and everyone in the house hates them. This shouldn't be surprising since everyone in the Jersey Shore house hated them too, and the people in the Jersey Shore house are the worst human beings on Earth. Yes, even worse than Blakely.

Synchronization!!! Tonight on the Pad, in honor of the Olympics, everyone will be doing rhythmic gymnastics. Thanks for reminding us that we are idiots and should be watching the Olympics right now.

Erica's version of rhythmic gymnastics can best be described as "Elaine Benes Dancing".

Everyone sucks except for Donna, the fan with the butt and the boobs. She wants to win so she can have groupie sex with Michael.

Lipless is so gross, I don't get it and I'm angry about it. Stop liking him.

Things just got worse: judging the competition is stupid Ashley and the likeable JP. Another judge: Tasha Schwikert. She has a bronze medal, allegedly. I will enjoy those deliberations. While Tasha considers tenth of a point deductions, and yellow range scoring, Ashley will have her awful bangs (she actually doesn't have her bangs anymore, but to me, they're like 9/11, never forget).

The girls go first and they are unbelievably bad. It made all of them 50 percent less attractive in my mind.

The men are better. They understood the situation and embraced it. Michael in particular, let it all hang out there, but then I remembered he was a breakdancer back in the day. So he grew up embarrassing himself.

Not surprisingly, Erica gets voted the worst. That means she has a vote against her at elimination. Ed is voted the worst of the guys.

The winners are Blakely and Michael. Tasha calls him "brilliant". No wonder she won the bronze, her standards are far too low.

Donna calls Michael her "perfect guy". She's been in love with him since she saw him on Jillian's season. She says back home she can get any single guy she wants, but Michael doesn't even notice her. Um, yeah he does. Last week he kept you around "for physical reasons".

Funny conversation between Michael and Erica where Erica completely hears something she wants to hear. She thinks he's going to choose her for the date to save her, which he is completely not going to do. Instead, he chooses Donna, Lindzi, and Rachel.

Lyndzi? Still don't get it.

On the date, they go to a concert for some band. It's so awkward because they populate the show with random people, but like, not enough for a legitimate concert. So it just looks weird. They should go back to their old formula of it being awkward for just the people on the date.

Judging from the crowd, this band's fan base is old, fat, weirdos.

You can tell Michael hates the band and wishes this was a Run-DMC concert.

Sort of shocking: Michael is dancing with the girls, and then all of the sudden he and Rachel make out. Yes! Finally, a Michael we can all enjoy. Well, except for Donna.

It's Jamie's birthday. And Ryan gets her presents and it is uncomfortable for everyone. Cause first of all, she likes Lipless. Secondly, Ryan is gay and we all know it. Ass sex doesn't count as still having your virginity.

Donna shows Michael a drawing she made of him, and it's funny yet sort of good. So he decides to give her a "present" back, by allowing her to make out with him. What a guy! It's very tonguey.

UGH. Chris hangs out with Jamie, while telling us how he's "playing the game". Then Jamie says to him "I can't believe you like me so much". Everything about that is gross.

The best part about this Michael date is that Lindzi is completely not involved in it at all.

Lipless tells us that being a whore is something that you have to do. He says this while we see him making out with Blakely. I'm not sure which one of them he is talking about, so I'm going to assume it's both.

Jamie tells us how Lipless is so into her and hates Blakely, then walks in on Lipless making out with Blakely. She cries. Happy birthday!

It is unclear what Lipless was thinking here. Jamie and Blakely sleep in bunk beds! This guy is the worst strategist I've ever seen. He'd be laughed off of Survivor or even For the Love of Ray J.

For the date, Blakely chooses Chris, Ed, and Dave, the fan. Dave cries. Man, the fans are making us all look bad.

Why is no one seeing how dorky Lipless is? He is a straight up dork. 

They go soap box racing. Afterwards, they go to a house that Dave tells us that Jillian once stayed in. Jeez, this guy is a fan. And a crazy person. He tries some voo doo shit on Blakey to get her to give him the rose. He uses info gleaned from watching her season!

But alas, she gives the rose to Lipless, because every decision Blakely has ever made has been wrong.

They go back to the Pad, and the party gets started. They quick cut over the fact that Erica and Donna are making out. That should be a whole show on it's own, and they gave it 2 seconds of air time. Unreal.

Pretty sure Ed is an alcoholic. Not kidding. He needs help.

Sarah says that Ed "reminds me of myself...he's so overly confident and good looking". What?! He repeatedly yells about his pickle (that's what he named his boxcar, and evidently, his penis). He reminds me of Fun Bobby from Friends.

They're also glossing over the fact that Kalon and Lindzi are now clearly a couple.

The twins start fighting with each other again, and this seems to go on for hours. One of the twins wants to leave. The other twin wants to hang out with Dave. She says an emotional goodbye to him, and he's sleeping and doesn't care. It's really an annoying segment. Fucking 10 minutes of this, and 2 seconds of Erica and Donna kissing? Um, excuse me? Does anyone there know how to make TV?

When Dave is told that the twins have left, he says "I can't believe they didn't talk to me first". Ha.

While it seems obvious that Dave is going home, Kalon decides that Ryan "bugs" him. Translation: Kalon hates black people. So he tells Lindzi to get all the girls to vote off Ryan

Reid suddenly gets fired up, and makes an attempt to get Ed voted out. This is only interesting because no one seems to realize that Kalon is having influence here. But now people are wary of the Chris/Ed power duo. Which is as stupid as it sounds.

In an awesome move, Sarah TELLS Ed that she has voted against him tonight. And last night? Well, she fucked him!

Sarah cries about it and says it wasn't smart and she feels she's smarter than that. You're not! You thought Chad was Brad. And also you had sex with Ed.

You know how you hear about these cults, like Charles Manson and shit, and wonder who the people are that get sucked into stuff like that? I give you Sarah.

THE PERSON GOING HOME IS...

Ryan.

If you're not going to have sex, there's really no reason for you to be here. Now please, never appear on any of the Bachelor shows again.

Next week: Ed vs. Reid.