Bachelor Pad 2nd Season, Ep 1

3 hours? 3 hours?!!! My excitement for this show really took a hit when I found out the premiere was 3 hours. I love Bachelor Pad as much as anyone, but this is at least an hour too much.



But what can I do? This is the business I've chosen...



In the house:



JUSTIN "RATED R". The wrestler from Ali's season. We all know he's evil, and perfect for the Pad.



JACKIE. She's from Brad's second season, and would've been way better than Ashley as the Bachelorette. But you could pretty much say that about anyone.



MICHELLE "MONEY" MONEY. Brad's second season. She could've skipped the Bachelor all together and just gone straight to the pad, that's how much she brings to the table. This show was created for her.



Immediately, she does what she does best: cries. Her dad has colon cancer, she's doing this "for him". Yeah, it has nothing to do with not getting any acting gigs, right?



GIA. Her second tour of duty on the pad! I love Gia. She tells us that she broke up with her boyfriend to go out with Wes, who was known to be a complete asshole, and he ended up cheating on her with Vienna. With Vienna! What a slap in the face.



Does Vienna look way better in person or something? I don't understand what is happening with this girl. It makes no sense. Well, Gia hates Vienna's guts now, so there's that.



VIENNA. See above. She's horrifying, and I'm just talking about her looks. But she's even worse than that as a person.



She announces that she's no longer with Wes, and has found someone that can "guard and protect my heart". Oh shit! That is great.



KASEY "FROG VOICE MCGEE". My favorite bachelor guy ever. Is he deaf? Is he speaking English? No one will ever address it, so I must continue to speculate.



Because he's now going out with Vienna, he hates Jake. I mean, really hates him. And he kicks things off with, what I believe, is the quote of the night (and we're only 4 minutes in):



"I'm gonna go take a Jake, and rub my Pavelka. That's what I think of him".



That's what you think of him? I gotta be honest, I still don't know what you think of him from that statement because that is pure crazy talk and I love it. I didn't even know Frog Voice had a pavelka.



JAKE. He hates Vienna. Not sure why, I think she refused to suck on his pavelka.



Bachelor Pad has really upped its special effects budget, cause they're making it look like Jake is able to fly a plane.



ERICA. She calls herself "The Princess", either because she was on Prince Lorenzo's season or because she wears a tiara.



She appears to have had some plastic surgery, or at least, a gallon of botox and collagen.



She claims that she will be able to use her "sex appeal". It would appeal to me to never think of her in a sexual way.



GRAHAM BUNN! He pulled a Constantine before pulling a Constantine was cool. He was on DeAnna's season, and was way too attractive for her and had no interest, so he dumped her before the rose ceremony.



They show Graham playing basketball, and I'm reminded that when he was on the show he claimed to be a "professional basketball player". Sure. He's much skinnier in the face now, and apparently has just ended a serious relationship that I'm being told was with a girl from All My Children.



ELLA. The single mom from Jake's season. She's hot. I was always a big fan. She tells us that her mom was murdered in front of her by her step dad. Not sure why that's relevant, but it's an FYI.



She's doing this for the money. As opposed to rest of these people, who are doing for the camaraderie.



HOLLY. From Matt the Englishman's season. I barely remember her, and she looks different. She got engaged to one of those breakdancing white guy identical twins named Michael (the other is married to DeAnna - lots of incest on this show), and she recently called off their engagement. Which leads us to...



MICHAEL. So this should be awkward.



BLAKE. A newbie from Ashley's season. He must be so stoked to be on TV around girls who are actually good looking.



It's funny how all these people know each other. Graham says to Michelle "I've heard good things". Uh, I haven't heard one good thing.



Blake on Erika: "I don't know, she's a little thick. Not for me".



AMES. The token gay guy.



When Gia enters the house, Blake and Ames are standing together. Blake goes, all horndog, "I hope that's Gia". And Ames just kind of awkwardly looks at him, not saying a word.



Oh, I forgot that Rated R's arch nemesis was Kasey. And he scores are second quote of the night!:



"Kasey sounds like a frog, and Kermit the Frog went out with Miss Piggy, and I'm gonna break them up"



It's not just that he talks like a frog though. He also talks really fast in a strange mumble and he's very hard to understand. That shouldn't be overlooked.



They are basically taking a page out of the Challenge Rivals playbook, and just bringing enemies together under one roof. CT should be in all of these shows. Who doesn't want that?



ALLI. Not Ali the Bachelorette, but Alli of the giant, James Caan shoulders, Alli. Everyone in the house likes her, but she's MY arch nemesis.



MELISSA. Crazy blond bitch, that's all I remember about her.



Holly is falling in love with Blake, and it's funny because he looks exactly like Michael. She has a type. Keep her away from that twin brother.



KIRK. From Ali's season. And he looks exactly like Blake too! Jesus, I cannot tell them apart.



WILLIAM. Oh thank God, the comic relief is here. There's gonna be no shortage of laughs now that we have a professional comedian in the house.



They have to subtitle Kasey! That's what I'm talking about.



Chris asks Jake why he's doing this, and he's absolutely stumped. He makes up something about getting closure. Did you want to get closure with Heidi Montag and Big Pussy on VH1's "Famous Food" too? Cause you seem to be on whichever reality show will take you.



An hour has passed. And all it has been are introductions. Amazing.



After Vienna's big buildup about what a monster Jake is, he comes into the house and is quite pleasant to everyone.



Ranking the girls in the order I would have sex with them:



1. Gia

2. Ella

3. Jackie

4. Holly

5. Michelle

6. Ames

7. Erica

8. Melissa

9. Alli

10. Vienna



Kasey has put on 30 pounds of muscle in order to beat up Jake. He's like Jennifer Lopez in "Enough", except J. Lo can speak English and hear.



As with last season, there's going to be a competition, and then the girls will vote a guy off, and the guys vote a girl off. They need to get "coupled up" for the contest.



Immediately, some coupling up occurs. Inexplicably, Graham is hugging it up with Alli. Gross. Blake admits that he's sacrificing himself and hanging out with Melissa.



Kirk says he had too many drinks and ended up with Erica. At least he came with an excuse, I respect that.



Oh no! Ames and Jackie are hooking up. I guess of all the girls, she looks the most like a 15 year old Asian boy. But as part of a strategy, he's coupling up with Michelle and Jackie's with Jake. I woulda thought Jake and Ames would be "partners".



The guys are strapped into a harness, and then the girls have to wrap their legs around the guy and whoever hangs on the longest, wins.



Gia is the tiniest girl there, and William drops her very quickly. Comedians aren't known for their strength. Holly goes down next. Graham drops Alli, of course he does. Her shoulders alone weigh 100 pounds. Melissa is next. Then Erica. Kirk should be commended for holding onto that giant princess for that long.



Michelle drops. 3 couples remain. And they've been holding for 30 minutes. Ella drops. And now it's the Kasey vs. Jake showdown we've all been waiting for.



Jake's leg has turned purple from being up there. Side note: we hung Daniel in a harness for a bit a few weeks ago, and after 5 minutes he wanted down. Those things are extremely uncomfortable.



This is good, because they both want it so bad. And Jake wins. Vienna is pissed, her man let her down. She chose the wrong stallion. That's how freakishly intense Jake is. It's that kind of discipline that has allowed him to remain in the closet his entire life.



Guess what, everyone? We're only halfway through!



Vienna goes up to Kasey "I was expecting a little more from you". Holy shit. Both of his legs were turning black. Then she calls him an asshole, and "you promised we wouldn't fight on camera". I assure you Kasey is subtitled for this whole argument, even though they have him mic'd.



Jake and Jackie get to go on a date, and then they can hand a rose to someone else, and they will be safe from elimination too.



Kasey and Vienna scramble to form an alliance. I should note here that it's not very clear why certain people are friends. Apparently, Graham and Michelle are friends with Kasey and Vienna, so they are a voting block. Then they get Michael, Kirk, Alli, Holly and Erica. But they need Rated R on board.



Rated R realizes they need him, and he loves being in this position. He tells them he's in...and then immediately tells the others what's up. Unfortunately, Alli is there, and she immediately goes back and tells the original alliance. These people are really bad at "playing the game".



Jake and Jackie go on their date. He tells her the story of he and Vienna's breakup. It goes on way too long. For some reason, "Jake has to talk to Vienna". Really? Hasn't it been more than settled? I believe there was an entire TV special devoted it.



Jackie suggest they give their rose to Vienna so they can talk, and just for that I might have to move Jackie down on my sex list.



Rated R says that if Jake gives Vienna the rose it "would be the biggest mistake in Bachelor Pad history"!



Jake: "By me saving Vienna tonight, she'd see the guy I really am". Holy fuck.



You should really hear Gia's version of the Trojan Horse story. Sorry, the Trojan Elephant story.



And Jake gives the rose to...Vienna. What a psychopath. Gia loses it, and so do I.



Jake gets Vienna and Kasey alone, and lays out this huge apology. Basically the only reason he did all of this is to make himself look better to the Bachelor audience. That breakup special scarred him, and he had lots of people accusing him of being an abusive boyfriend. It's almost like his agent told him to do this.



Everyone keeps saying that Vienna and Kasey are "running the show", but I don't get how anyone likes them.



Gia scrambles and gets Deaf Boy alone and tries to make a deal. Froggy keeps going "you and I have alliance, you and I have alliance". They promise not to vote for each other.



You would've thought that Michelle would be an alpha dog in the house, but she is not. Vienna is a beast. And Gia is behind her. But she should be using the fact that she's a thousand times better looking a little more.



The Vienna alliance say they are voting off Gia tonight. But I don't know if they know about Froggy. Gia's alliance say they're voting off Alli. Alli doesn't know why, other than the fact that she completely sold them out yesterday.



All the girls were planning on voting on Rated R. But, these geniuses finally realized that if they did that, Kasey and Vienna have an easy road to the end. So Kirk thinks he's some kind of mastermind for coming up with the plan to vote off Kasey. They have 4 votes, they need 5. The 5th? Gia. Will she turn on him? Will he turn on him? Let's find out...



And the two people going home are:



RATED R and BIG SHOULDERS!



Wow, I guess Kasey has "integrity" after all. Gia and Froggy stuck to their alliance, even when it didn't look like they would. I am very pleased, I didn't want to see Gia go home. But they're still idiots for keeping Kasey.



This season: Blake double dips, Kasey has a promise ring, but comes to his senses, and Vienna is the worst.



But if next week is 3 hours, I'm not doing this again...







WAIT. For some reason, at the end the Mask Guy from Ashley's season sneaks into the house and takes a poop. Bizarre! And appreciated!