Advice From a Failure

If I ever write a book, that's what I want the title to be. "Advice From a Failure".



I've been putting a pitch together the last couple weeks, and I'm always worried that I haven't done enough to prepare. I have a process that I always do, that I'm very comfortable with, and that I think works. If I do all of those things, I feel confident that I'm ready to go.



And that's when it hits me:



I have never sold a pitch.



My process is based on a losing formula!



Clearly I'm doing something wrong. But what can I do? It's all I know. And then I read about people that are selling things similar to my things. And usually someone like Jerry Bruckheimer is attached. I need Bruckheimer. That's the secret. That's the missing part of my formula.



As I was driving to my first pitch the other day, I had a realization. I'm going to walk into a room and tell a story of make believe to a man in a suit. That's sort of weird. And yet, that's what I came here for. Well, not really. I came here to sit in a darkened room alone and send stuff in and not have to talk to people ever, but that turned out to be a fantasy.



Here's how this actually goes:



I write up the pitch. I start with an introduction, a logline of the show, how I came up with the idea - why it's personal to me, essentially, and then I give a more detailed account of what the show is, how it works as a series, etc.



Then I go through the characters, a brief, hopefully amusing description of each. And finally, I talk through the beats of the pilot.



I read this out loud to myself many times, making sure it makes sense and I can say it to other people without wanting to throw up.



A lot of times when you write stuff, it's great on the page, but when you say it out loud it sounds retarded. So saying it repeatedly helps make it sound more conversational, and you can start memorizing it.



I think many writers memorize their pitch, I don't. Well, not completely. I go in there with my script, and talk through it without looking as much as possible. I'm not a God Damn actor. Come to think of it, maybe that's a good idea. Maybe I should hire an actor to play me and read the script that I write. That seems like a Curb episode.



"Hello everyone, my name is Irwin Handleman". "No, you're James Franco" "For the purposes of this pitch meeting, I'm Irwin Handleman".



So back to my drive in. Under the best circumstances, I have taken my pre-pitch nervous stomach poop in the comforting confines of my remodeled bathroom and my Toto washlet. But it doesn't always work that way. Sometimes the nerves don't kick in until I arrive, and then I have to take one of those awful, crowded bathroom, is the guy I'm pitching to in here right now listening to my poop? poops.



I go up and check in, and meet up with a member of Team Handleman. He is oblivious to the fact that this is actually hard work. So while I want to feverishly check my notes and make sure I have everything straight in my head, he's talking to me about his Krav Maga class.



Finally, we are called into the meeting. My agent makes small talk with the execs, and I usually try to jump in and say something funny and that always ends badly.



Then they look at me and say "well, what have you got?"



This is the cue to begin pitching. Now, usually there are multiple people in there. There is the decision maker, and one or two of his or her underling execs who two weeks ago were getting them coffee or cocaine.



This is my ideal situation.



Because the decision maker guy will just look at me with no expression on his face, a thousand year stare developed from listening to 10,000 hours of stupid show ideas like mine.



But the young execs, they're just happy to be in the room. While I talk, they smile and nod and write things down, and generally act interested. You know, like polite human beings with manners.



I focus on them. They make me feel better after I occasionally glance at the dude who doesn't give a shit.



Afterwards, I will make a self deprecating comment about my ability to pitch. And they will lie and say, "no, you were great!"



And then there will be an awkward silence. You see, when big time writers go in, many times the execs will buy the show IN THE ROOM. The pitch will end, and they will say, "Interesting UFO idea, guys from Reno 911. We love it, and we want it, we'll call your people with an offer".



But when I finish up, they stammer and say, "okay, well, we've got a lot of stuff to look at, but we will discuss it internally and let you know".



That's a phrase I've come to despise: "discuss it internally". Nothing good ever happens internally. Internally is where everything bad that ever came out of Hollywood starts from. Internally are a bunch of men and women who never wrote a thing in their lives who have to answer to people who can fire them, and taking a chance on a guy who didn't write genius stuff like Reno 911, Taxi, and Herbie Fully Loaded is too much of a risk.



Alas, I still give it the old college try, because what the hell else am I supposed to do?