The Republican Resume

John Q. Republican
555 Hicksville Road
Sister Fucker, Alabama

EXPERIENCE

HELD DEBT CEILING HOSTAGE (2011)

• Caused the United States to lose its AAA rating
• Blamed it on a black guy

FAILED TO GET OSAMA BIN LADEN (2001 - 2008)

• Took credit anyway

PRETENDED TO CARE ABOUT THE DEFICIT (2008 - PRESENT)

• Blamed it on a black guy
  

CLAIMED HEALTH CARE BILL WAS A COMMUNIST/KENYAN CONSPIRACY EVEN THOUGH IT WAS ORIGINALLY THEIR IDEA (2009 to PRESENT)

• Blamed it on a black guy
  

STARTED TWO WARS THAT WEREN'T PAID FOR (2002 - PRESENT)

• Dick Cheney: "deficits don't matter"

THE BUSH TAX CUTS, ALSO UNPAID FOR (2002 - PRESENT)

• Dick Cheney: "deficits don't matter"
  

TURNED SURPLUS INTO DEFICIT (2001 - PRESENT)

• Dick Cheney: "deficits don't matter"
• Blamed it on a black guy
  

WORST ATTACK ON AMERICAN SOIL SINCE PEARL HARBOR ON THEIR WATCH (2001)

• "Osama Bin Laden is determined to attack on American soil"

EDUCATION

• General Equivalency Diploma
  

SPECIAL SKILLS

• Ability to communicate with Jesus
• Huntin'
• Fishin'
• Palin