Bachelor Pad 2nd Season, Ep 2

Really? Only 2 hours this week, Bachelor Pad? You don't think your show deserves to be as long as "The Godfather" anymore? Here we go...



Not a good start tonight, as it begins with a voice over by Kasey and no subtitles! What the hell? That's a horrible way to kick off a TV show. I have no idea what he's saying, but it's something about how he hates Jake for no reason.



Chris explains to them the game they are playing. They will be throwing eggs at each other. So basically this show is just summer camp. It's called "Target on Your Back", and the men all have, well, targets on their back. They turn their backs. And Chris asks each girl "who are you least attracted to?" and the girls have to throw an egg at that person. If they hit, they get a point.



Gia goes first. And she knows how to wear a bikini. I can't tell who she hits, but I think it's Blake. Melissa hits William. Nicely done. He must feel like he's at one of his standup comedy performances.



Princess Erica hits Kasey, and he is offended. Here's what I can interpret from what he says:



"I got hit with an egg for being unattractive. I mean, come on, I got the hottest girl in the house as my girlfriend, I mean obviously I'm not unattractive"



Wait, Gia is your girlfriend? Claiming that Vienna is the hottest girl in the house is even crazier than some of the songs he wrote for Ali. If she's the hottest, how come she got a nose job immediately after the show ended?



I should mention here that it doesn't even matter if they hit the target on their backs. Any egg to body connection at all counts. So, it's sort of a badly titled game.



2nd question: Who least deserves the $250,000 dollars?



3rd question: Who do you want to go home this week? And everyone throws their eggs at Jake. Way to hold your cards close to the vest, ladies.



The last question is a tiebreaker between Jackie and Melissa: "who is the dumbest?" And in a great moment, Jackie throws it as hard as she can at William's head and misses wildly. But I love her passion.



Melissa goes next and pegs the shit out of Graham Bunn. Bunn doesn't need brains.



Melissa wins, so you know that means...bulimics are okay at throwing!



Now it's the guys turn to throw. Question 1: Which woman do you think would cheat on you if you were dating?



Jake immediately throw it at Vienna...underhand. Why does he always get great opportunities and ruin them? He also tells us that he believes she cheated on him with "three men". The way he says it is so gay, yet so obviously true.



Oh, apparently the producers are making them all throw under handed.



Kasey brags that he "plays baseball". I guess he means softball since they're throwing underhand. And of course he misses completely. Can't hear, can't throw, can't speak coherent English. And after his comments about how hot Vienna is, can't see.



WAIT!!! Hold the fucking phone. Blake steps up and throws an OVERHAND strike. So what's going on? I guess it was just the usual Jake and Kasey being their normal, sucking selves.



Every guy is throwing every egg at Erica. It's brutal. That's no way to treat overweight royalty.



Here's a shocker: Ames isn't good at this.



Another question: Who are you least attracted to? Graham hits Erica. So does Blake. So does Kirk. So does William. So does Michael - and he throws an overhander, Nolan Ryan style fastball. Holy shit. That was a head shot, if this were baseball she'd be charging the mound right now.



Erica does make a good point, saying the other girls are skinny with fake boobs, and she's all natural with real boobs. Yeah, and also fat.



The craziest part about this, and no is mentioning it, is you didn't have to answer correctly. It was just about connecting with the egg. Any one of those guys could've seen Erica taking a pounding and just thrown one at Michelle for fun. They didn't. They're like the Honest Abes of the "Target on Your Back" game.



Jake tells us that he "feels like I might be going home". Really? Is that because every girl answered that they want you to go home next? Was that your hint? The constant eggs smashing against your back?



It hasn't been explained yet why they wouldn't vote Kasey off. You break up the power couple, Vienna is left floundering, hell, she might even quit. It's the obvious move to get you closer to the money. But I guess that's why these idiots are so desperate for money in the first place.



Michael gets to choose 3 girls to go on the date with. He picks Michelle, Erica (sympathy pick), and Holly. They go to a haunted insane asylum for some reason. Maybe he should've picked Vienna and she could've given them a guided tour.



Not sure what Michael sees in Holly. She has that kind of face where you suspect her parents were brother and sister, or at least first cousins. Or related to Ames in some way. Michael gives her the rose, of course.



This has always been the fundamental flaw of this show. They win "dates" but in a lot of cases, there are no romantic feelings between the people. They're trying to make it sorta related to The Bachelor, but these people, in general, either don't like each other or already together.



Michael pours his heart out to her. He cries. Man, he really, really loves her. She's not that into him. Maybe it's because of his odd black leather jacket and super deep green V.



Melissa picks her 3. Blake says that he knows she likes him, but there's "no way I want any part of that. She picks him, his twin Kirk, and Kasey. Melissa tells Kasey her plan to save him tonight, if he'll save her next week. Shit. There goes my plan.



But wait, there's still hope, because Blake announces that he's willing have sex with Melissa to get the rose. Money makes people do strange, disgusting, anorexic things.



Blake and Kirk look more alike than Chad and Brad. Blake is pulling a full Bentley. He is disgusted by her, yet is forcing himself to touch her.



Vienna is the biggest bitch that has ever been on this series. I mean, really. She is awful. Thank God Kasey is deaf so he doesn't have to hear any of this.



While she talks shit about Jake, Jake tells us that he's going to ask Vienna for help. He is so stupid. Although, he could parlay her terribleness into some sympathy from the girls.



Kasey is wearing a strange Don Johnson number on the boat. He's got a pink shirt with a gray mesh looking jacket. It's as bad as his voice.



Blake makes his move and kisses Melissa. Afterwards, they both go and throw up - he because he's disgusted, she because she just had a meal. Blake describes himself as a prostitute.



And Melissa gives the rose to...Blake! Ha, ha, I don't think Kasey is going to take too kindly to that. That puts a crimp in his whole svengali attitude. Just imagine for a second Kasey trying to say the word svengali.



Blake laughs at Kasey's stupidity, and then forces himself to have sex with a girl he despises. You sure showed him.



Gia makes a helpful chart for Graham to see that he should kick out Vienna next. He's sort of receptive to this, but it's hard to tell, because he's from the south and a moron.



Blake lies in bed with Holly and they mock Melissa. Melissa searches for him, finds him, and then lies down with them, completely not getting it. It's delightfully awkward. Blake says she's unstable and it's not hard to see why she's still single at 32. Well, at least she's not as ugly as Erica.



Jake goes up to Kasey and Vienna and asks them to save them in the most annoying scene ever. Kasey is sitting up there like he's somebody. He's like "why do you deserve to be here?" Jake announces that he's going to donate every penny to charity, and Kasey says "you expect us to believe that?" But he says it in the frog voice that he has.



Vienna laughs and says she knows he's in debt and needs the money. But I think Jake is also following my plan, because the other people are seeing this and hating the two of them.



There is no reason not to vote them out!!!



In an interview to us, something amazing happens. Kasey shows off his "guard and protect your heart" tattoo on his wrist, and makes the heart beat by flexing. Then he says "it's guard and protect time..." then looks into camera "are you ready?" He thinks we think that tattoo is cool! Ha ha ha ha ha ha.



It turns out Vienna claims to be upset that the Bachelor producers have "forced" her to be here. Uh oh, now you've angered Chris Harrison. He's like, the doors open, please leave if you want. And of course she doesn't.



Then Chris announces a curveball: all the guys are safe tonight. Two women will be going home. Ha! Vienna loses her mind. Jake is stoked. And I can't believe I'm on Team Jake, it's the greatest reversal in Bachelor history!



Vienna tries to rally everyone to protest against the Bachelor Pad! "You guys sit down right now and say we're not doing this because this is cheating". Easy there, Norma Rae. No one is following.



Kasey's like "let's go home, let's go home". So is she going home? Uh, no.



Gia laments that everyone, especially Michelle, believes Vienna's bullshit. Michelle tells Jake, "there's a good chance you're not gonna win so you should just leave right now". Ah, there's the evil bitch we remember. It's funny to see such a nutball get completely manipulated by an even bigger nutball.



Gia talks with Kasey again. But unfortunately, fucking Graham Bunn went to Kasey with what Gia and him talked about. Unbelievable. I thought Graham and is Buns were one of the good guys.



Graham pleads innocence, but then says "yeah I told him you were trying to break up the power couple". Uh, that's not innocence. Then he interviews, "yeah, I told Kasey everything". Dude! I mean...dude!



Gia's gonna walk off the show now. And I don't blame her. But this sucks. Irwin is gettin' upset!



Gia cries to Chris about how everyone is strategizing and she can't take it. Well, I will say that Gia was doing a lot of that too, and a lot of the talking behind people's back, so I guess she's mad that it didn't work for her. And honestly, I don't know why it didn't. Would you rather be on Gia's side or Kasey's? Maybe Gia is too easy to understand when she says words.



Gia cries in the limo, and says "Kasey is supposed to guard and protect, and the only thing he's guarding and protecting is himself". I'm sorry, but that is awesome.



This is so stupid, I can't take it anymore. They're all talking about voting Ella off. Or Jackie. Retards! How do you not see how obvious this is?



Ella frantically searches for a guy to couple up with, and chooses Kirk. He's game. I love how this show is forcing people to hook up with people they have no interest in. Instead of Bachelor Pad they should call this Rape Pad.



Psychologists should study this show and attempt to explain how human beings need leaders. There is no other explanation as to why these people are just blindly going along with what Kasey and Vienna are saying. There is some sort of fear of stepping up and taking responsibility for things. They love being told what to do. Anything to not have to make decisions.



FINAL ROSE CEREMONY



And the woman kicked off is...



JACKIE



Poor Ames. Who is he gonna hook up with now? There is only one obvious choice, Jake.



I can tell you in what order people are going to get voted off if there's no revolt. Do you think any of them have figured that out? No, probably not.



Ames claims he fell in love with Jackie like no one he's ever fallen in love with before. And oh yeah, he is wearing pink pants.



And then he runs after her limo and joins her, leaving the show for love! I think I know where the honeymoon is going to be...in a young Asian boy's pants. That was kind of amazing. Well, Ames is a hopeless romantic. And by hopeless I mean there's no hope for him actually liking vagina ever.



At the end of the show, the masked guy makes himself a midnight snack. I don't know why, but I'm okay with it.



NEXT DAY UPDATE: Ames and Jackie are no longer together. Gee, what a shock.