Bachelor Pad 2nd Season, Ep 4

Long day of shooting today, I apologize for my lack of energy...



If you recall, last week ended with Chris saying "Kasey" and then the screen going to black, Sopranos style (by the way, how angry would David Chase be if he knew anyone was comparing Bachelor Pad to The Sopranos?). Which meant that Kasey was staying and Jake was going home. That's where we pick things up.



Jake says some parting words, and Kasey says "kick rocks, dude" a lot. Not only does he talk funny, as well as talking in a mumble you can't understand, he also uses strange expressions like "kick rocks" and "alligator blood". It's a jumbalaya of incoherence.



Oh, the look on Vienna's face, so annoying. She really deserves to have bad things happen to her. Even worse things than the nose God gave her. Michelle does a strange chicken walk in celebration. Even when I hated Michelle before, I at least respected her alpha dog status. But seeing her now as Vienna's brainwashed bitch, it's just sad. It's like if Dick Cheney took a job as Obama's secretary.



The competition this week is the much vaunted Kissing Contest. You may remember that they did this last year and Gia cried, because of her beloved boyfriend who she later cheated on with Wes (and then later cried when Wes cheated on her with Vienna. Ah, the circle of sluts).



Anyway, a person gets blindfolded, and then gets kissed by everyone else. The blindfolded person then rates who kissed them the best.



Chris gleefully announces it, and then immediately Kasey and Vienna announce that they're not doing it. Neither is Michelle, because apparently when they implanted her boobs they exported her brain. Her empty head is now being operated by Vienna.



Blake feels like this is his event because he is a whore for money. He will kiss or fuck anyone for cash, and proves it by tonguing down Holly (right in front of her fiance), gross ass anorexic Melissa, and Ella. But remember, he probes young women's mouths for a living, he's a dentist.



Oh, wait. Vienna is doing this. This is where I feel bad for the guys. They claim they're holding back because of Kasey, but we all know it's because she's hideous.



Ella looks like the makeout queen. Michelle claims she's not doing this because of her kid, but I love the fact that Ella doesn't give a shit. Fuck that kid, I'm gettin' mine.



Ha! The girls are all grossed out by Kasey's awful breath. Dude, maybe he seriously has an ear, nose, and/or throat problem. Something is not right up in there, I'm telling you, this has to be yet another symptom.



Hold the phone, so I guess no one was serious about not doing this except for Michelle.



All of the guys know which one Erica is because her giant boobs can't help but rub up against them. Also because her lips are not made of actual lip.



Chris announces that the final vote was not even close. An overwhelming majority voted for...Ella and Blake. And that's kinda the way it looked. Ella says "my son would be very proud". Yeah, I'm sure he's gonna tell all of his friends all about how his mom caught mono on national TV.



I wish Ames had been here for that competition. No one can awkwardly kiss someone and make me so uncomfortable the way he can.



Ella gets to choose one person for the date, and she picks...Kirk. They drive off in a Ferrari, and of course cheese ball William is jealous. Not of the date, of the car. How is he still here again?



Blake is a complete douche snake, but I sorta feel bad for him. He's got Melissa yapping in his ear about taking her on the date. She's a psycho, but he has to hang onto her just to stay on the house a little while longer. What should he do? I say screw it, pick Holly, enjoy your life for 2 seconds, and go home. You're not winning this thing anyway.



Back on Kirk and Ella's date, they trade sob stories about near death experiences and mothers being shot in front of children. It's sad. I have to say, if these two won I wouldn't be mad at all. Ella has moved into the #1 position of my who would I bone list.



They go on the Bachelor Balloon and make out.



Back at the house, Erica busts out her boobs and some massage oils to try and convince Blake to choose her for the date. This is actually a smart move. Blake needs someone else to be coupled up with, and Erica would provide an alternative to Melissa. As Blake says, she makes a compelling argument.



Finally, it's time for him to choose. Melissa? Erica? Holly? He chooses...Holly. Thank you. It's drama time, this is what the Pad is all about.



Melissa: "That's fucked up...You made me 800 promises! You pinky sweared!" Oh well, if he pinky swore, that's legally binding.



There's kind of a funny scene where Melissa goes bonkers, and starts complaining to Michael. And Michael goes, "I was engaged to Holly!" As in, I was engaged to that girl and you met Blake two days ago, are you really the wronged party here? And then Melissa goes nutty on some yogurt.



After no one in the house will tell Melissa what she wants to hear, she goes back to see Blake. But he makes her wait 5 minutes while he finishes brushing his teeth. And they show the entire 5 minutes as she just stands here, watching him brush. It's nice to see the producers taking some creative chances with comedy...but don't push it.



Blake and Holly take a jet up to Mammoth to go skiing. Holly can't ski. Well, Melissa can't think rationally but she's still here, so deal with it.



Man, Blake is seriously in love. He's talking about her like she's "the one", and then they cut to a shot of him aggressively wrestling her to the ground. What is this, Clan of the Cave Bear?



This is probably the best case scenario for this show. Here you have two people starting up a relationship, going on actual romantic dates, while one of them has an ex back at the house getting pissed about it. These are the moments we live for.



Back at the house, Michael is freaking out. It's 2am, and they're still not home. And guess what? They're staying the night in Mammoth cause Holly doesn't want to leave. They edit it in such a way that infers that she takes it doggystyle from Blake.



The next morning...behold the power of going out with someone else: suddenly Michael is all over Holly and professing his love. Now he keeps saying that she's "irreplaceable". Shoulda thought of that before she got taken to pound town in the snow.



Holly: "you said you didn't want to be back together". Michael: "did anything happen?" Holly: "well..."



By the way, Michael is sporting a pretty bad comb over.



Kind of a relief to have an episode without too much of Kasey's talking, cause that requires a lot of reading of subtitles.



I want to like Holly, but her face keeps getting in the way.



Looks like it's going to be between Kasey and William for elimination. Kasey announces that he has "a really sneaky strategy" to make everyone vote for William. We then see him go up to Kirk and Ella and say:



"I'm not trying to sell a story...but just know that the money is necessary for my grandma to live"



Ha ha ha! His grandma is too big to fail, people. What a sneaky strategy. Who could possibly see through that? Oh yeah, these people can't, cause they're idiots.



On the girl's side, Melissa is going home, the first no doubter so far. Everyone is tired of sleeping with one bunny rabbit's eye open.



FINAL ROSE CEREMONY



The two people going home are...



WILLIAM and MELISSA



These people are certified loons. Really? You believe the Kasey grandma story? That's all it takes? I think we should be allowed to murder Kasey's grandma.



You know there are a bunch of evil fucks on this show when it takes this long to get rid of Melissa.



Funny shot of Melissa crying like a full blown retard.



Very disappointed: they didn't do the masked man ending this week. You have to stick to that bit, that's what made it good.



Sleepy time...