Bachelor Pad 2nd Season, Ep 3

I just learned that Vienna got her nose job done by Erica's dad, who also performed Erica's nose job. That's interesting. Guess we know why Erica is on Team Vienna, her dad needed the business.



We start the proceedings with crazy ass Melissa yelling at Blake. He played her. Yeah, he did, it's a competitive reality show, that's kinda the whole point. Also, they didn't cast you because of your looks, they cast you because you're out of your God Damn mind.



Melissa goes to Holly with it, and says she saw Holly and Blake flirting. Holly tries to calm Melissa down by explaining that she's a whore with all of the guys, so you can't blame Blake. She does have a point.



Kasey is extra unintelligible tonight. He says this about Jake: "we just want him to go home, but he won't go home. He's got alligator blood". Kasey has a frog voice so it's only natural that they're enemies.



Today's competition involves synchronized swimming. Vienna's excited because she was on the swim team in high school, and did dance and cheerleading. I'm guessing she was a base.



Chris: "who doesn't love synchronized swimming, right?" A nation of TV watchers just raised their hands.



Huge surprise: Erica is a piece of shit, she can't do anything. She can't dive. She can't dance, she can't follow directions, she can't talk without me wanting to punch her in the face.



Michelle says that "synchronized swimming is a lot harder than it looks". Actually, it looks really, really hard.



The guys wear speedos, and the girls cheer. They love looking at dick, apparently.



The judges are a synchronized swimming lady, and David and Natalie - last season's Pad winners. And after watching the girl's routine, I realize the producers ran out of competition ideas after the 2nd episode.



The guys are way better than the girls, with Jake and Michael the standouts. Erica remarks that Jake has a "large package", and says she is "secretly rooting for him". I guess we know what she looks for in a man.



The winner is...Michael, which probably spells doom for Jake. And for the girls...Michelle. Aw, poor Vienna. But she did stuff in high school! That has to count for something.



Whoa, Erica is really coming hard for Jake now. I guess she doesn't care that much about her dad's nose job business.



Uh oh, Vienna was impressed with Jake's synchronized swimming skills (and possibly his penis) and compliments him. Kasey is pissed, "she's being too nice!" He literally gets out 2 words to Vienna about it, and she breaks out into a crazy hissy fit "you swore to me that you would protect me and all you've been doing is getting mad at me about everything". I guess having "guard and protect your heart" as your catchphrase has its drawbacks.



They keep talking about protecting her. Why does Vienna need so much protection? She thinks she's fucking Obama or something. To go out with this girl you have to be in the Secret Service...and deaf...and probably blind.



For her date, Michelle chooses Graham, Kasey, and Blake. Last week, Blake fucked a girl for a rose. I'm not sure Michelle will be as compliant, plus, she's Graham Bunnz Bunn's girl.



Michelle pulls Blake aside to get to the bottom of the Melissa thing. But instead, she just talks the whole time. She says you need to fix it or else you're in trouble. He just goes along with it, instead of explaining that Melissa is a crazy bitch, probably because Michelle is a crazy bitch and wouldn't understand.



Michelle gets Graham alone and explains to us that she has a crush on him but isn't sure if he "is that into me". Ha. DeAnna felt the same way right before he dumped her blinky ass.



Graham uses the "I'm still not over my breakup with ex who is on All My Children" defense, and basically gets Michelle to agree to a just sexual relationship for now. Hey, when you're a single mom and a known psychopath, you readily accept the minimum.



Michael chooses...Ella, Vienna, and Holly. They go horseback riding, and have to wear helmets. Vienna complains the entire time, and even Ella, the nicest girl in the world, can't take it anymore.



There's a funny shot of Vienna bopping up and down on her horse, with her helmet and fake tits flying every which way. She needs little helmets for her boobs.



Poor Blake. Now he goes to Melissa and tries to make things better so he won't get voted out. He sucks it up, and of course tricks her into liking him again. She's like an even less attractive Ashley.



Michael and Holly have a moment together. I have no idea what's happening, but it appears that they love each other so much that they want nothing to do with each other.



Jake tries to pull Blake into his alliance to vote off Kasey and Vienna. Blake is skeptical. WHY??? What do you have to lose, you moron? It's either you or Jake out this week, so wake the fuck up. Jesus, I say no more dentists on this show. They suck.



I love watching Jake flirt it up with Erica. Score! You got the girl who the guys have deemed the most unattractive in the house. Finally, he takes the plunge and kisses her. Or, she kisses him. This is what she says:



"I definitely have good lips, that I maintain with getting injections every 6 months, and I'm a good kisser".



What's the record for most amount of money spent on someone's face and having it still look like that?



Michael gives Holly the rose, and then for no reason Bret Michaels shows up. I can't handle when reality shows cross the streams. Holly can't believe that Bret told her she's beautiful. Has she seen his show? Cause he tells the nastiest skanks in the world they're hot every second.



Take one guess as to what song Bret sings...



Yep, you got it.



There's a moment in the show you have to see. I know I talk about Kasey's voice a lot, but this one takes the cake and I have to mention it. He says to Vienna:



"I know how stressed you've been how stressed we've both been"



He says it in one breath and I had to rewind it 3 times to decode it.



He gives a speech, and then hands Vienna a box and the first thing she blurts out is "I don't want it to be an engagement ring!" Kasey is completely deflated. It really was rude and lame. And then he reveals a promise ring and she giggles "okay!". If I was Kasey, I would immediately take that ring back...and then get my ear, nose, and throat checked out by a board certified doctor.



Oh no! Kasey sings! It's so uncomfortable. Holy crap. I can't describe it. How does Vienna sit there and listen to that? He sounds like Michael McDonald having a stroke after suffering a hearing problem.



It appears that the worm has turned and Melissa might be gone. It's her or Erica, so Erica goes around trying to make sure it's not her. She spies on Melissa, and does a crab walk that she thinks no one can see, but her giant ass is about 6 feet in the air.



Erica does a brilliant job of making Melissa lose her mind. Actually, it's not that brilliant because it's the easiest thing to do in the world. Here's my list, from craziest to a tiny bit less crazy:



Melissa

Michelle

Vienna

Erica

Holly

Ella



Vienna is third on a list of crazy. Think about that.



Melissa cries to Jake. He says "let me guess, they're being mean again". From anyone else, that would've come across as sarcastic. But from this dweeb, it's as sincere as can be. Melissa wants to quit, but Jake tries to calm her down because he needs her to vote for Kasey.



I need to mention that William is flying so far under the radar that it's amazing. He hasn't said a word for 2 episodes, doesn't have a girl he's aligned with, and yet has never been mentioned as possibly being voted out.



Chris announces that tonight everyone will vote for one guy to leave and no girls.



Kasey believes he has all his ducks aligned to get rid of Jake. And he and his loyal stooges - Graham, Michelle, Holly, and Michael vote for Jake.



But as the vote is going on, Kasey and Vienna suddenly get word that people are (gasp!) voting for Kasey to go home. He is shocked that everyone could be so cruel and that Jake could be such a manipulator! Yeah, eat it, you frog voiced fuck.



Jake pulls Kasey aside and says it's down to us and good luck, etc. Oh man, I wish I was Jake right there. Cause if I was him and had the votes, I would've said "Kasey, it's been a good run. Unfortunately, you're going home tonight, but I promise you, I'm gonna stay here and fuck your girl".



FINAL ROSE CEREMONY



And the man going home is...



JAKE



Wow, they had me going there. And it was a strange "Sopranos" style ending. As soon as Chris said "Kasey", it cut to black. And then they showed the masked guy frolicking in the pool. Very strange.



Shit, I thought they had Kasey's number tonight. What a bummer. Never thought I'd be pulling for Jake in anything, but that's why the Pad is great. Fortunes turn on a dime.



Goodnight.