Ashley the Bachelorette No One Wanted, The Finale

Jeez, it seems like just yesterday I was writing about this show. Oh yeah, it was yesterday. I'm surprised there wasn't more outrage about the guys tell all. But then again, maybe I just give a damn.

Fiji. Two men. One finds happiness, the other proposes to Ashley.

We meet Ashley's family, including her tatted up better looking sister. For some reason, Ashley "trusts her sister's advice more than her parents". Yeah, I wouldn't be taking life lessons from the girl with a sleeve of flowers on both arms and a ring of fire between her tits.

Ashley's sister looks like Kate from "Lost", if Kate was raped by an awful tattoo artist.

JP is up first. He seems to be doing well with the family. There's a quick shot of him telling a joke where Ashley appears to be looking down her shirt at her boobs. Look all you want, honey, there's still nothing there.

Ashley's psycho sister gets alone with Ashley and their mom, and after JP was a complete hit with everyone, she claims that JP isn't the one. The reason? Because when she asked if JP made her laugh, Ashley said "I make myself laugh". Yeah, great reason. I got news for you, every girl thinks they're the funny one in the relationship.

Ashley starts crying, and her sister is like "why does that upset you? Why does me telling you the guy you're in love with sucks and you have no chemistry whatsoever bother you?"

Ashley's sister claims that she's "much more rational". That's scary.

I guarantee you if this sister was around in episode 2 she would've declared Bentley the perfect man for Ashley.

Ashley's brother has a severe sweating problem. He looks exactly like Derek from the Real World/Road Rules Challenges.

The sister gets JP alone and immediately tells him that he's not the one for Ashley. What a fucking bitch. Where's William when you need him to roast someone? He could put her in her place with his cutting wit. "JP was hoping he'd be meeting EMILY'S sister right now".

JP is very nervous, it's like being interrogated by Sipowicz.

She's concerned about their age difference. Guess what, Ashley's sister? I'm concerned that you have a giant Geisha on your left arm, you cunt.

She tells JP that Ashley wasn't being herself with him, and that she saw more of a connection between her and Brad. Well, honey, Brad was a thousand times too good for her. Your sister isn't Emily, so this is the best she can do. And I'll add, it's pretty good for her.

Ashley calms JP's fears by telling him "I am heavily influenced by my family". Oh great, thanks for that.

And rightfully, JP is pissed at Ashley for not going "my sister doesn't know what she's talking about, I don't care". Yes! Leave now! Run away while you still can.

It's so sad and pathetic how reliant Ashley is on what other people think. She has no ability to think for herself.

Ashley's sister once again tells us how much more rational she is. I don't think rational people tattoo a skull necklace around their neck, you fucking piece of shit.

Hey, Ed Hardy called, he wants his shirt back. Oh, that's just your tattoos.

Finally, Ashley calls her sister a bitch, but while doing it, Ashley tells her that she's saying the things she's thinking. What?

Apparently, the sister's theory is: Ashley's been wrong before about a guy, so she will never find love ever again. Oh, is that how love works, Nicholas Sparks?

Ben's turn on the chopping block. Talk about a guy who is hilarious? With his slow, monotone, stories about picking grapes, Ben is a laugh riot.

Oh shit, dog talk. They both have dogs, and talk in a dog voice. I'm uncomfortable.

Ashley's sister seems to love Ben. Wait, I think I've figured this out. She's anti-Semitic. She hates Jews. I think her real name is Bombshell McGee.

Guess what? Ashley's sister is divorced. Really, Ms. Perfect? You're a failure, I never would've thought that. You're so rational and all.

Okay, we're done with the family. It's on to the last date. Ben goes first. And the Bachelor Copter makes its final appearance of the season.

And they're taking yet another aerial tour of Fiji. Jesus, Ashley could do a topographic map of the island at this point.

They get into a strange pond and spread mud all over each other. Pretty sure that's how you get malaria.

Later that night, they hang out in a hotel room and Ben tells her that he loves her. They kiss. Non passionate kisses. Ben: "I don't think I'm going to sleep tonight". I think he's trying to tell us they banged.

JP gets sloppy seconds. He's still shaken by his encounter with her sister. JP says she was wrong, but Ashley is defending her because she can't have opinions of her own.

They're having this odd conversation where JP is having to argue that they won't be an old, boring married couple. The sister has completely made this up and put it in their heads and now they're talking about it like its happening. He's 34 not 54, damn.

JP confesses that he's madly in love with her. Yeah, we were pretty clear on that about 5 episodes ago. I wonder if JP plucks his eyebrows. They are very little.

JP kinda got screwed here, Ben got a mud bath. JP just had to sit and talk to her. Brutal.

Later that night, they go to the hotel room. Are they on the same bed that Ashley got her ass worn out by Ben the night before? That's what I'd be wondering. JP gives her a journal or something. This is an ominous sign. I'm pretty sure that finalists are about 0 for 11 when giving gifts before the proposal. You think the Elias Sports Bureau has these kind of stats? Hell no.

That ring guy they use every time is here. How great is his gig? He gets a trip to an awesome island resort twice a year. Maybe he's bad luck though. He must have the worst success rate of any engagement ring seller in the US.

JP's nipples are sorta weird.

Ben's ring looks like a nickel. He's confident. JP is not. They don't even show if JP got a ring. This has to mean that JP is gonna "win". I'm sticking with him. Ben is too boring to get a woman.

They get on some little planes to fly to the proposal sight. It's like their flying to Fantasy Island, with Ashley being the midget and the fantasy is Ashley saying no.

The first man out of da plane is...

BEN

I knew it. They were really pushing Ben hard this episode. But I never bought into it. It almost feels like the sister was told what to say in order to mess with our minds. In fact, that is what happened. JP was too obvious, and they needed something to fill 2 hours.

Ashley starts to talk, then starts to cry, and dumb Ben doesn't pick up on it and says "before you start, I'm totally confident..." He gives a big speech, and then gets on one knee...

This is so mean. Why do they make them do this now? Just awful. So rude. Ben goes "will you marry me?" Ashley lets him sit there on one knee for way too long before finally pulling him up.

Well, JP breaks the "giving a gift before the proposal" streak.

Ashley starts to say "it's not easy" but he cuts her off and doesn't want to hear it. He walks off, she chases after. She tries complimenting him, which is the worst. And he's like, "I don't need you to sugarcoat it". Good call.

Ben says you can't leave something like this on good terms so don't even try. He says he's in "utter shock". Man, he really thought this was gonna work out.

And then, in a very funny way, he says "JP's a wonderful guy, I'm sure you'll have a nice life together". I can't describe it, but it was very sarcastic. He kinda did Eddie Murphy's "white guy" voice there.

Ha! They make Ben leave on a dinky little rowboat. Talk about insult to injury. Oh wait, it has a motor. Well, at least there's that, Ben.

The boat heads off to nowhere, it's like the last scene of season 2 of "Lost", when Michael and Walt leave the island.

JP flies in. They are really drawing this out, must be to give Chris Harrison is contractually obligated 2 minutes of screen time.

JP gives his big speech, and then Ashley breaks "character" and reveals that she's been wanting to tell him she loves him for "forever". I guess forever means 3 weeks ago when Bentley dumped her.

JP proposes, she says yes. And then the sounds of REO Speedwagon swell as they kiss. "I can't fight this feeling anymore..."

Hey JP, guess who Ashley's maid of honor is? You have to deal with that whore for the rest of your life. Enjoy that.

Great news, this season is over! In even better news, Bachelor Pad next week!